Friday, June 15, 2007

Erosion of manners -- tonight, I'm the guilty one

I’m always complaining that guys seem so ill-mannered these days, especially when it comes to canceling dates at the very last minute.

I think this behavior may be contagious – I just did that thing that I hate having done to me – tonight I cancelled on a guy about 30 minutes before we were due to meet. However, there’s a back story here.

Meet “Nice Smile”.

NS and I were initially due to go out nearly a month ago. When I didn’t hear from him by 5 pm the day of the date, I left him a message. He left me a message a little while later – apologized profusely, a work thing came up for that night that he couldn’t get out of. I called him back, we spoke, he seemed genuinely apologetic, could we try to re-schedule for the following week? We agreed to talk a few days later.

Days later: he left a message, asking if I’d like to meet for a drink that same night. I left HIM a message: “Can’t do tonight, maybe later in the week?”

No reply for about a week and a half: he e-mails, saying “sorry we keep missing each other” (?). A few e-mails back and forth. We make plans to go out a few days later, but I quickly realized the planned night wouldn’t work – I was going out of town for the day, probably wouldn’t be back in time. I cancelled days before the planned date -- ample time.

Days later: he leaves a message: free tonight for a drink? My message back to him: “no, I generally plan my whole week in advance – how about Friday? (tonight) I’m going out of town for the day, but if you don’t mind meeting up late, around 10 pm, we could meet then.”.

Tonight: I re-confirmed with him as I was on my way back into the city – but once I got back (later than expected), I had to call him to cancel – too exhausted.

To be honest – if it was a guy I was really excited about, I’m sure I would have mustered up the energy to meet up. But I feel like he set the tone by canceling last minute that first time, then the requests to meet up on the same night gave me the feeling I was his Plan B. I suppose now I’m feeling the same way about him.

Thoughts? Should we do unto others as others have done unto us? Or should we keep the bar high, and just treat others the way we want to be treated?


Cute Jewess said...

Hmmm...perhaps the answer is to evaluate how ambitious we can be about our plans? I tend to err on the side of not packing in too much, knowing I'll probably get tired.

But you're fine to cancel on this guy; now it's 1-1. You'll see what happens--and whether he's worth the trouble :)

sexagenarian and the city said...

you're not guilty. he has cancelled on you & made you only his default date. when guys say 'i'm busy this week; i'll call you next week' and are unable to plan social life ahead [when they do have that skill for business, presumably], they're just looking to see if something better turns up. don't waste a moment's serious ethical thought on him.

wineandthecit said...

I found your blog when I googled something about Foodies and dating, and your entry about Super Foodie Guy came up. I lived and dated in Manhattan for three years but just moved to London three weeks ago.

just ignore NS. Youboth know you're not that interested. moving on...

Anonymous said...

it was fine for you to cancel.

but, to be fair, people have different ways of doing things. my schedule is governed by unpredictable deadlines and is basically unplannable. i don't mind meeting spur of the moment. often i prefer it.

the real issue is that neither of you seems to care enough to make meeting a priority.

Anonymous said...
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Jay C.M. said...
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acaligurl said...

hmmm i say (in a perfect world, treat others the way we want to be treated) in the dating world, sometimes stuff just comes up or we are really not that interested. personally if a guy cancelled more that 1 or 2 times on me he would be off my list permanently.