Sunday, July 15, 2007

Go with your gut.

Looks like my gut was right about Smiles – tonight he admitted that he had indeed pulled away a bit this week. Our extra-long date last weekend had felt a bit too long to him, made even longer by spending the night at my place, when he would have preferred to have gone home. (As far as his canceling on our previously planned date, he really did have a work event.)

I’m happy we were able to talk about this – this kind of thing isn’t always easy to discuss. Too often, I’ve been in relationships where we both sense there’s a problem, but try to bury it – as if not talking about it will make it go away. What almost always ends up happening is that the problem festers until one of us explodes. If things continue with Smiles, this could be a good precedent – this “communication” thing. Go figure. Might be something to it.

In light of this talk, it just felt a bit strange to ask if he’s seeing anyone else right now. Too soon. My sense is that he really does want to give this a chance (as do I), and he certainly doesn’t seem like a player. I do notice that he logs onto Match rather regularly – and the fact that I know this means I’m logging in as well. Touché.

However – I did bring up the fact that I don’t want us to sleep together until we’ve established that we’re dating exclusively. He was in agreement with this.

In the meantime – we’re not sleeping with each other (yet). I think it might be a good distraction to arrange a date or two with other guys in the meantime (my friends advised this as well). Even if the e-mails back and forth don’t actually LEAD to dates (not unusual), the mere fact that someone else may potentially be interested in meeting me may be a good distraction from Smiles, and help me turn down the crazy just a little bit.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you generally feel it's OK to date other people until you have the "we're exclusive" talk?

15 comments:

VJ said...

I'd ask, I've got my suspicions already though. It never hurts to know what page you're on. If it's page one, fine. But no glove, no love. Simple, right? Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

jgo said...

This is one thing I dislike about online dating... being able to stalk the other person and find out if they have been logging into the site you met on. While I dont expect someone to stop looking after a first date, I find myself being strangely jealous when I see they have been on there. I wonder, what are they doing? Are they browsing? Are they actively seeking? Are they communicating? After a few dates, it becomes a double standard.... I dont want to see them logging in but it is perfectly fine for me to do so. Is it because we are all looking for something better? This damn city breeds that kind of behavior and yet I feed into it. But I hate that feeling that someone is only keeping you around till they find someone better. It's so nerveracking.

walt said...

Hey - I'm a newbie here. The answer to your question is yes, you should date other people. However, I'm concerned that you said that you don't want to sleep together until you're exclusive, and his only response was to agree. If a woman I like and find attractive tells me she doesn't want to sleep together until we're exclusive, my response is "I agree. Let's be exclusive!" Ya see, from a guy's perspective, his choices when presented with the "exclusivity needed for sex" thing are to 1) agree to exclusivity and get ready for some wild sex; 2) Seek easy women instead who don't care about exclusivity (I'd be worried about a guy who'd make that choice), or 3) Have sex with nobody (I'd be even more worried about a guy who'd make that choice). So, sorry to be a downer, but the fact that he wasn't ready for the very limited commitment of exclusivity in exchange for sex has me a bit worried. Maybe he's just being strategic. Hopefully the next time you see him he presents you with the brilliant concept that you are now such a perfect couple that you are ready for exclusivity.

Starboard Tack said...

I agree with Walt. It sounds to me like he is just not that into you ... agreement with you on the exclusivity before sex -- rather than taking that as an opening to be exclusive and get sex -- means that you are his Plan B, his backup.

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Yikes! Walt and Starboard are scaring me. Is there such a thing as a "good guy" who wouldn't casually agree to, "Sure, let's be exclusive" just so he can get some sex? I think your gut is also telling you that Smiles isn't a total dickwad and maybe being honest. I've known guys who actually mean it when they say they want to hold off on sex until they know it's going somewhere. OK, not a lot of them, but aren't there a few out there? C'mon guys, give us a little hope!
That being said LV, there is the chance Smiles is not fully invested in this thing, so by all means..KEEP DATING! And try to have fun....

Cute Jewess said...

I think in this situation, there's not much more to do than wait and see, which is such a maddening place to be in. But you'll see what he's like next time you see each other...and hopefully he won't be as distant.

Anonymous said...

Your overly long third date was a strategic mistake. You should leave him wanting more rather than risk overstaying your welcome.

Walt writes: "The fact that he wasn't ready for the very limited commitment of exclusivity in exchange for sex has me a bit worried."

"LIMITED COMMITMENT OF EXCLUSIVITY."

Limited?? Huh??

I've known guys who withdraw from a girl because they are worried she will get "too attached."

LV, my suggestion is to back off. For example, on your next date, suddenly get sick or have an emergency phone call just when the date is peaking and you are having a wonderful time. Leave him wanting more!

walt said...

Hey DT - I didn't mean to suggest that all guys are dogs who will say anything just to get sex (although we probably both know guys like that). But if a guy is saying no (or not right now) to the exclusivity and sex thing, it probably means he isn't feeling it. Unlike women, most guys know pretty quickly what their level of interest is, and if he's feeling good about the girl he certainly wants to move on to sex as soon as possible.

walt said...

Hey Anon - by "limited", I meant that it's not marriage - any time either party feels it's not working or wants to see other people, he/she can just move on. But you're right, there are a lot of guys out there with an abnormal fear of having to deal with an emotional woman. These are the type who tend to just disappear, rather than formally breaking things off. So, if a guy is worried about the girl getting "too attached", he's probably got that issue (probably not the type LV wants anyway), or again, is just not feeling it for the girl.

Actually, I think the long third date helped LV flush out this guy's real level of interest. If he was really into her, a long third date would have pushed things forward in a positive way.

Loverville said...

Thanks for all the advice. I think my best bet now is to be patient and take the "wait and see" approach.

We have another date planned for later this week -- I'll certainly be sure to NOT have one of those super-long dates.

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Hey Walt - Very thoughtful replies and glad you clarified. I feel a little bit better about men now. Check out my latest posting www.datingiswarfare.com. I'd love to hear your thoughts there!
Take care, DT

Heather said...

Holy cow-I have no idea what to tell you except that not all men are dogs. My husband wanted to wait to have sex until we were married-and we were 16 at the time LOL That didn't stick, I wouldn't let it hehe--but my point is that maybe he DOES like you, and doesn't want to lead you on- in any sort of attachment w.o you both being sure! ya know? Wait and see is a good idea-i hope you have a great date and things progress in a positive way!
Thinking good thoughts!
Hugs!

a&v said...

Wow. You've gotten such good, varied comments! I have nothing to add except: Yes, date other men. (For many reasons, squelching the crazy being one of them.) Though I will admit that I have a hard time dating other men when I'm excited about one man in particular, so you have my wishes of courage and all that good stuff!

Sanani said...

If a girl tells me she doesn't want to have sex until we're exclusive, I sometimes feel like she's trying to squeeze a commitment out of me. That can tempt me to put the brakes on for a little while, even if I'm interested.

If your man is at all intuitive, though, he will spot game playing, so I would NOT get an "emergency phone call" or engage in any other theater with him on your next date. You're likely to make him feel manipulated (which he may already be feeling given the exclusivity talk).

Guys like to control the pace in a new relationship -- we're all commitment-phobic, to some extent (at least if we're not desperate). Just focus on ENJOYING your life and your dates with him and let him initiate when he's ready.

MATCHinform said...

In response to Sanani, "until" is not the same as "unless." Maybe I should read the posts again, but I was under the impression that the concept was "no sex unless we are exclusive." You can assume that 99% of men (over the age of 16 and without principles such as waiting for marriage)want sex often, most likely daily. Thus, if he isn't getting it from you, then where? I agree with Walt et al. This guy may very well like you and want to date you, but if you have put sex on the menu and he has not ordered then he is likely weighing his other options first. Waiting to see will let you know if you finally win out.