I have a feeling I’m not going to be seeing Smiles much longer.
We had a talk tonight – he was brutally honest, and said, amongst other things, that he sensed that I was more into him than he was into me, and that while he does like me, he wants to continue taking it slowly until we (maybe) reach a point when / if we decide we want to date each other exclusively.
This made me think: where can we possibly go from here? Now I’m feeling self-conscious about being too demonstrative. I think this is what happened: in the beginning, he came on strong. I followed his lead. He pulled back. I chose to ignore that he had pulled back, and kept pushing in his direction until he doused me with ice water and opened my eyes to what was really happening.
After I went home, I was in a bit of a funk about this – and it dawned on me. Am I really into HIM, or am I into the idea of having a boyfriend, a lover, a companion? I do have fun with him, and we have good chemistry together. However, there are some striking differences in our worlds that I'm only admitting to myself now: our lifestyles, our careers, just our lives overall. I know relationships are about compromise, and about embracing each other’s differences. But in this case, now that I’ve come down off my cloud, I’m seeing what’s really there. And it’s not what I want in the long run.
We have plans this weekend, and I’ll probably stick to them. But I’m planning on pulling back, staying a bit cool, just keeping my feelings in check.
In my last post, I mentioned that I was communicating with some new guys on Match – at that time, I was really just going through the motions. Now – I’m actively looking again. Might even have another new date this weekend. Wish me luck!