Thursday, July 26, 2007

The wake-up call.

I have a feeling I’m not going to be seeing Smiles much longer.

We had a talk tonight – he was brutally honest, and said, amongst other things, that he sensed that I was more into him than he was into me, and that while he does like me, he wants to continue taking it slowly until we (maybe) reach a point when / if we decide we want to date each other exclusively.

Ouch.

This made me think: where can we possibly go from here? Now I’m feeling self-conscious about being too demonstrative. I think this is what happened: in the beginning, he came on strong. I followed his lead. He pulled back. I chose to ignore that he had pulled back, and kept pushing in his direction until he doused me with ice water and opened my eyes to what was really happening.

After I went home, I was in a bit of a funk about this – and it dawned on me. Am I really into HIM, or am I into the idea of having a boyfriend, a lover, a companion? I do have fun with him, and we have good chemistry together. However, there are some striking differences in our worlds that I'm only admitting to myself now: our lifestyles, our careers, just our lives overall. I know relationships are about compromise, and about embracing each other’s differences. But in this case, now that I’ve come down off my cloud, I’m seeing what’s really there. And it’s not what I want in the long run.

We have plans this weekend, and I’ll probably stick to them. But I’m planning on pulling back, staying a bit cool, just keeping my feelings in check.

In my last post, I mentioned that I was communicating with some new guys on Match – at that time, I was really just going through the motions. Now – I’m actively looking again. Might even have another new date this weekend. Wish me luck!

18 comments:

Cute Jewess said...

There's nothing wrong with pulling back--let him miss you a bit...Hmmm, I hope you don't feel too self-conscious! Other guys will help, indeed.

pt said...

Bummer.
I hate it that guys flake out when, early on, you let them know you like them.
It just reinforces the idea that you simply must remain more aloof than you wish. Making them think you don't care is what seems to draw them in. Guys are freakin' weird.

Anonymous said...

Can't wake up on time....here is the a tip.

Sign up for a free Snoozester account

Always wake on time...schudule a wake up call.

molly said...

ouch... where did that come from? It sounds like he really enjooyed his time with you. My feeling is that after a few dates, there should be a mutual feeling of "into-ness", if not, I doubt it will come later. But good strategy for the weekend. have fun and great attitude!

Loverville said...

For maybe the first time ever, I found a spam ad to be amusing -- see two posts above.

Hm, you think Snoozester gives wake-up calls in relation to dating? That would be nice:

*RING RING* "You've been on this date five hours already -- time to go home, leave him wanting more!"

jgo said...

In response to what pt said, I'd like to add that it can go both ways. I've been into women who just didnt feel as strongly about me and vice-versa. I think we have all done it to someone else before. I just wanted to say that it's not a guy thing. I can say that the only reason I pull back like Smiles is doing is because I sense that I'm not that into someone. But I like to give people a chance which is why you keep seeing them. Although experience has shown that instincts are usually correct. Anyway, if I really like someone and I sense they really like me, then nobody hesitates. But finding that mutual like at the same point is no easy feat. We all go out on tons of dates and it happens very very rarely. When it does, thats when you get an LTR. What do y'all think?

molly said...

jgo is right, if someone is hesitating, let that serve as a red flag to the other party. It may turn itself around but unfortunately, doubtful. LV, you sound like you have a good grip on it and are handling it perfectly.

Heather said...

LOL to your comment about the ad hehe

Good luck this weekend! I'm sure it'll be a bit awkward but try to have a good time and enjoy yourself.

b said...

If you realize there are things about your lives that are incompatible,--do you really want to keep seeing him? I've seen friends who have been dating in droves (looking for Mr. Right) that after something like this, do a lot to get the guy re-interested to a level of their liking only to then be the one who says forget it. I don't understand why they go to the trouble of doing so unless they have to be the ones who walk away.

If you spent some time not so close to him would you want to be close again after the areas where you may potentially clash?

just wondering...

wak said...

Consider doing a complete pull-back. Tell him that you don't see any point in continuing in view of his uncertain interest, and wish him the best of luck. He'll either come running back, in which case you can decide what you want to do, or disappear, in which case you were better off not dragging it out.

pt said...

What wak says make a lot of sense.
I think you should be unavailable to see Smiles this weekend. You could either give him a reason, like wak suggests, or just have something suddenly come up and be unable to make it. Leave him guessing.

It's hard to predict, but I'd guess that if you saw him this weekend, that would be your last date with him ever.

MATCHinform said...

Do you think that he is dating someone else and hedging his bets?

a&v said...

These kinds of realizations/awakenings are the hardest. At least he says he's open to the possibility of seeing what will happen in the future (does he really mean it???). (When this happened to me, I got dumped flat on my ass.) But then, you've also said he may not be the person you want anyway. So. Go forth and actively pursue those new matches!

Michele said...

Dating really is a big, ole game. What a hassle. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I agree with the statement pull away and let him miss you. Sadly, it usually works!

Loverville said...

Lots of very good points here!

For now, I'm feeling this: I'm happy to have an occasional date with a guy I have fun with (in this case, Smiles) -- even if I feel that there may not be a real future together.

I'm sure we've all felt that way, at least once -- sometimes it's better to be with an imperfect person than to be totally alone.

But... I'm optimistic that the "right" guy for me is out there somewhere. Which is why full-on dating is commencing once again -- I have a date with someone new on Sunday. So far he's good on paper, as in, we share a lot of the same interests. Whether we click in person remains to be seen!

Matchinform: answering your question... this came up the other night, and he admitted that he's been on other Match dates since we've met -- but none have progressed to a second date.

As far as stepping back: I'm about to go on vacation for a week, so that takes care of that. (yes, I know... not the same thing!)

pt said...

Interestingly, the guy goes on other match dates looking for someone better. The girl goes on other match dates to distract her from waiting for the guy to call.
Kind of an offensive maneuver vs a defensive maneuver, to use a sports metaphor.
(Though I find it offensive in the usual sense of the word.)
I admire your perseverence.

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

LV, Sounds like you are in the right place. I might agree with the other folks who said to blow off this weekend's plans with Smiles, but if you really think you can go ahead with it just for the fun of it (and not to "demonstrate" you are cooling off too) than do it. But I think sometimes we get so into the game that we forget to take care of ourselves (sometimes protect ourselves too) when we need it.
I really liked pt's offensive/defensive analysis. That pretty much nailed it. Warfare, sports, whatever...it's all the same. Can't wait to hear about how the weekend went!

londongirl said...

Guys do sometimes seem to scare themselves - they get keen, you respond, and then they back off. I call them changeling boys.

But anyway, I'm glad you're feeling ok about it - it can be quite denting. And great to keep your options open.