Monday, October 29, 2007

Happy Monday

I’m happy to say… I *think* TC and I are back in the Good Place!

I had an intimate little cocktail party last night with TC and a dozen of my dearest friends (both guys and girls). He had met a few of them before, so I wasn’t completely throwing him into the (friendly!) fire.

I was in a bit of a tizzy as I flitted about pouring drinks, prepping food, greeting new people. TC is the perfect party guest – he has no problem chatting with new people, while checking in with me every so often and helping out. When I saw that he was washing dishes at one point (unasked)… well, I couldn’t help but fall in “like” with him just a little bit more.

We didn’t have a chance to have much alone time, but that should come in the next few days. It was no surprise that my friends thought he was a lovely guy – he liked them as well.

As is often the case with these parties, it was a blur, and I felt that I didn’t have a chance to talk to each person as much as I’d like. However, it was a (re)confirmation that I’m very lucky have a group of fabulous friends – who (thankfully!) like my cooking.

As for TC – I can’t help but think that he wouldn’t have spent a whole evening with my friends if he didn’t see “us” continuing. For now, I’m OK with letting my doubts of the past week go by the wayside. Here’s hoping…!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Stupid insecurities

I feel like I’ve gone from happy and optimistic about TC… to insecure and doubting.

He’s been away for work all this week, and he barely e-mailed and didn’t call once (I left him a message midweek). This is quite a departure from his last business trip, when we e’d just about every day and talked a few times during that week.

Yes, I know how busy business trips can be, blah blah blah… but if you really want to call or text, you’ll find the time to do it.

So many questions in my mind, as I try to think, did I do something to turn him off?
Maybe we spent too much time together last weekend?
Maybe some recent pics I sent him felt too boyfriend / girlfriend-ish?
Maybe he's simply lost interest?

Logically, I'm trying to think, a few days without him calling really isn't that much. But now I'm in "preparing for the worst" mode. Ugh. I can't help but think, just when I've finally met someone great... it's going downhill already. (“cue the violins, Drama Queen…”)

We have plans this weekend, will just have to take a temperature then. And if it does end? Yes, that would suck, but I have to remind myself – it certainly wouldn’t be the end of the world. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Good advice

When I started this blog, I simply wanted to vent and share stories about how ridiculous dating in NYC can be… and to get feedback and advice from anyone who may be in a similar situation.

I’m in a slightly different place now. I know full well that it’s still early with TC – and one can only guess where this may lead -- but I’m in a happy place with him right now, and feeling optimistic about “us”.

When I wondered aloud about telling him about the blog, there were some pretty strong responses (THANK YOU for those, by the way!). Pretty much opened my eyes. True – just because a few close friends and a dozen or so strangers know about my recent dating history, does the guy I’m dating need to know? Would I want to read the equivalent of HIS blog, if he had one? (who knows, maybe he does…?) The answer to both of those is a resounding NO.

So not only have I decided NOT to share the blog with him (probably not ever)… I’ve also decided to put most of the posts from the past 8 months in the vault. Sure, I’ll have a laugh over them from time to time, but for now? I just don’t want or need to have them “out there”.

Wish me (continued) luck! Especially this weekend: we’re going to a party with quite a few of my friends, most of whom TC will be meeting for the first time. He’s met a couple of my friends in recent weeks (I’ve met some of his as well) – but this will be the first time so many will be gathered in one spot. He’s already told me that he’s looking forward to it – he’s a good egg. (ha! That’s an expression my grandma would have used!)

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Sunday weigh-in... and um, my "boyfriend" (???)

Good news: I managed to lose 2.4 lbs this past week, bringing me back to my most recent low weight of 132.8 – big celebration! (confirms that last week’s gain was indeed most likely due to PMS – thanks for all your knowing words of support!).

Now – got to keep this loss moving along. 130 is a big hurdle I haven’t crossed in years, so that’s my current goal – to jump that hurdle!

It’s been a fun weekend, with lots of TC time. We enjoyed a rather elegant dinner out last night, with both of us drinking a bit too much – wine pairings can be fun, but dangerous! But WOW, did he look dapper, all dressed up!

Towards the end of the night, in a slightly inebriated state, I asked TC how I should introduce him today – I was bringing him to an event where he was likely to meet some of my friends. At first he joked, what about “gentleman caller”? Or “lov-ah” – but you have to say it like that, “LOV-AH”! (yes, he's the joking type) He soon admitted that recently, in conversations with some of his friends, it felt natural for him to refer to me as his “girlfriend”, since we’ve already established that we’re only dating one another, and he’s “enjoying the progression of the relationship”.

As far as that last line -- at least I THINK that's what he said! I know he used the word “relationship”, and even in the moment, I found myself wishing I had a tape recorder so I could remember exactly what he was saying. Damn wine, doing fuzzy things to the memory!

Today at the event, when the moment came for me to introduce him to a group of friends (acquaintances, really), I quickly said, “This is my boyfriend, [TC]”. (I had to say it quickly, for fear that I'd choke on the words!) I’m not sure how much he remembered of last night’s conversation, but he didn’t seem at all fazed by the intro. I’m not sure if I’m really ready to jump into full “boyfriend / girlfriend” jargon (we’ve only been dating a little over a month), but I think if we ease into it like a warm bath, that will be the most natural way to go.

It’s been in the back of my mind: when / how to tell him about the blog? This blog has been an amazing source of catharsis for me these past 10 months – when I was having my most depressing and frustrating dating experiences, I found out through reader comments (and other bloggers) that I’m certainly not alone in these feelings. And I even made a Real Live Friend though our blogs, Cute Jewess.

I think I’ll know when the time is right – and it’s not just yet. TC is a pretty open-minded and laid-back guy (two of the many things I like about him)… and I sense that he’ll be nonplussed when I tell him about the blog. Eventually.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Happy day!

I had a feeling it was going to be a good night with TC when I received this comment from a stranger as I was en route to the restaurant where we were meeting:

Scene: I’m waiting to cross the street – near me is one of those eccentric types that make up the fabric of New York.

Suddenly, Eccentric Guy says to me, “Isn’t it amazing”… (pause… now I’m very curious to see what he finds amazing!)… he continues, “how nice you look!”

I burst out laughing, and I hope I remembered to say “thank you”. It gave me a rush of good feelings, and I had a big smile on my face as I continued to meet TC. I was feeling more confident than I had felt in days, wearing a flattering wrap dress that had garnered compliments at the office.

TC had a Friend/Colleague in town, and had asked earlier in the week if it was OK if he joined us for dinner, since it was the only night available to do so (and he also wanted me to meet said friend). No problem there – I tend to make a good impression on the friends, so I was happy to oblige.

As soon as I saw them, TC gave me a big kiss and hug hello, and I felt any nervousness dissipate immediately. I enjoyed dinner and conversation with the two of them, but was longing for alone time with TC.

It was a happy moment when, after dinner, F/C said he was going off to meet other friends, and TC and I headed back to my place. He admitted that while he was pleased that F/C and I had a chance to meet, he couldn’t wait to have time alone together – that he had missed me while he was away, and needed his “[Loverville] dosage”.

So – things are looking good right now. I’m still giddy about him, but also feel (in a grounded / rational way) that something very positive is happening here.

Tonight’s the night: I’m going to attempt to cook dinner for him! Ssh… it’s a surprise – he thinks we’re just meeting at my place, and winging it from there. Wish me luck! I’m having heart palpitations already…

QUICK UPDATE, the next day: dinner was a success! Well - I thought it was just OK, but TC really liked it. He seemed pretty excited to get a home-cooked meal -- that doesn't happen every day in NYC!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Nervous

Finally – TC will be arriving back in town late tonight, after having been away all week – and I’m nervous.

All signs seem to point towards things going well between us – we talked and e’d regularly while he was away, and while he wasn’t quite as romantic / effusive as he was in person, he did include a “miss you” at least once. But there’s a part of me that still feels that I should be prepared to expect the worst, that things might be different when we see each other again. Can’t explain it. I’m just afraid to get too excited about him.

I’m normally an optimist (too much so!), and generally don’t worry about things until I’m actually given reason to do so. It seems that having quite a bit of dating disappointment in the past two years has made me rather cynical – so unlike me. It’s a strange feeling – I don’t like it.

I think it’s not helping matters that I gained nearly a pound this week (didn’t write about it because it was too depressing!)AND I’m experiencing a wicked PMS. (hm, maybe the weight gain is because of that). In a nutshell, I’m not feeling my most confident.

I suppose the usual advice applies here – wait and see. TC and I have plans tomorrow night – wish me luck! (what to wear, what to wear??!!)

Friday, October 12, 2007

What's cookin', good lookin'?

(I know... cheesey subject line! Has anyone said that since 1972?)
It’s been a fun-filled week – a few nights out with friends, a dance class, a movie – but in the back of my mind, I’m counting down the days until TC is back in town. The wait is agonizing!

I knew it would be good for us to have a bit of time apart – after all, we spent half of last week together. I feel that we talked and e-mailed just the “right” amount this week – little enough to still have some time to miss each other, yet constant enough to still maintain a connection. We already have some fun plans lined up for next week.

This is big! I’m planning on surprising him by cooking dinner for him one night next week. I’m only an occasional, albeit enthusiastic, cook. Once I came up with the crazy idea to cook dinner, I got excited: researching recipes, thinking about what type of wine to include… so much criteria to consider! The meal shouldn’t be too heavy… not too labor-intensive (definitely don’t want to spend the whole night in the kitchen)… and certainly nothing that could induce, well, gaseous anomalies.

Any menu suggestions?

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Good news / bad news

First, the good: things are still lovely with TC (though, alas, he left town today, to be gone for a week).

Now, the bad news: I’m supposed to be losing a pound a week in my “10 in 10” plan… instead, I gained 1.6 lbs this week! Ack! Will have to plan fewer nights out with friends this week and spend more time in the gym, with more focus on healthier eating (I abhor the word “diet”). This is week #6 in the 10 in 10 plan – I started at 138, and as of today, I’m 134.4 – down a total of just 3.6 lbs. I took a challenging yoga class today, so that’s a good start. Still – I should have been down to 132 today, so I’m a bit disappointed in myself.

Back to the good news: things continue to develop with TC. I find myself replaying so many wonderful moments in my head from this past week: the way he looks at me... our lengthy discussions on politics/travel/food/our families... his kisses… (I miss his kisses already).

Knowing that he was leaving town this morning, I found myself wondering when I’d hear from him again, assuming he was going to be busy on this trip – he answered my (unspoken) question by calling me from the road. Just a simple gesture that made me like him even more.

Friday, October 5, 2007

TC update... and finally, the talk with UN

It's been a fabulous week -- spent lots of time with Teen Crush. Actually, I think we were teetering on the edge of spending *too* much time together, but he’s about to go out of town for a week. I sensed that we both were trying to condense in as much together time as possible before then.

And, well, all these events kept popping up: in New York, it seems that you always have a friend whose band is playing, or is giving a reading, or is in a play in a little black box somewhere downtown. This week I happily accompanied TC to see his friend perform, and he came with me to a similar event for my friend -- both of us meeting the other's friends in the process. This can be quite daunting, the meeting of the friends, but in both cases it was as smooth as could be. Even fun. My friend e-mailed me the next day, saying she thought he was a cutie (he is indeed!) and that we looked great together (I agree!).

And when he mentioned his friend who I have to meet, who is coming to town in a few weeks? I mainly heard the “in a few weeks” part – a not-so-subtle suggestion that he sees this as a good thing that he’d like to continue – as I do. (if that didn’t come across already!)

UN update: FINALLY, after days of left messages, we had “the talk” today. Cute Jewess urged me NOT to use the old cliché of “you’re a great guy, but…”, and I took her advice. After some small talk about how busy each of our jobs has been lately, I finally asked if he had a moment to talk, then nervously launched into my speech: while I’ve had a fun time with him, I just wasn’t feeling the kind of connection I was looking for. His response: he was very sweet and gracious – said he totally understood, that it wasn’t the sort of thing you could make happen. A bit more small talk – “we should still meet up to go biking one of these days, if you like” – and that was that.

He’s about to go out of town as well – he has a fabulous lengthy vacation planned. I actually could see us staying friends. After all, I liked him as a person – I just didn’t really feel a romantic connection between us.

SO glad that’s out of the way! Good dating karma is important. Well... just good karma in general.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Surreally good

Just a quickie post from work... will include more details soon (promise!) -- it's been a busy week!

Brief summary -- things are going REALLY well with Teen Crush. I've been having a fabulous time with him, and it's quite clear that he's into me as well. And -- this is big -- we've already discussed that neither of us wants to date anyone else right now*. I must admit, after our first few dates, I'd look at his Match profile to see when he had last logged on -- and saw that he hadn't logged on since the day after our first date. Whether or not that was because of me, it was still nice to see. I cancelled my own Match account yesterday.

Part of me is (of course) still remaining skeptical, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a bit surreal, this feeling of being very much into someone and knowing that he likes and respects me right back. Just trying to take it one day / date at a time.

* I still have to "officially" end it with UN -- we've been playing phone tag for the past few days. Surely he knows what's up, based on my "there's something I need to talk to you about" message. Still, I hate this kind of talk. Just want to get it over with.

More later!