Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Perspective

Thanks again, everyone, for your words of advice and support. I’m truly grateful for this little blogging community, and the feedback we give each other! So again… thank you.

I’m a planner. I do a lot of planning for work, ironing out every minute detail, needing to know what’s going to happen for this particular project, when, how, where, etc. And I love it. I’m often the planner involving social events with my friends as well. (um… control issues much?)

As my friend CJ often reminds me – you can’t plan relationships, no matter how hard you try. There’s no roadmap. You can’t predict what’s going to happen next week, or next month. All you can really know is, are things going well today? And do you still want to date each other beyond today? I’m trying hard to keep this in mind.

After the “talk” with TC the other day, I was worried that things would be a bit awkward between us, and decided to step back a bit. I was relieved when things seemed completely normal from his end – he e-mailed me the next day, saying that he was looking forward to our upcoming plans for next weekend, but was I free to get together before then?

Day by day.

I didn’t write about this earlier, but there were other reasons why I got overly emotional after the talk with TC the other day. Yesterday was the four-year anniversary of the death of a close family member who died way too young – a terrible, unexpected death. His death happened the day before Thanksgiving that year – and naturally, every family Thanksgiving since then has been emotionally charged. (I can’t even type this without my eyes watering up).

After that traumatic experience, I developed a new philosophy on life: don’t sweat the small stuff. After experiencing the worst grief I’ve ever felt in my life, I realized that (short of another close friend or family death – perish the thought) nothing else could ever be that bad. When people moan about flight delays or traffic or not being able to get into the “restaurant of the moment”? Please. I scoff at those “problems”.

Granted – I guess I’m sounding hypocritical, as I’m clearly not coming across as being as Zen-like as I claim to be. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I need to apply this philosophy towards my situation with TC. For now – for today – I should consider myself lucky that I’ve met this wonderful person – for as long as it lasts.

And if it doesn’t last? So be it. I’ll always have my network of wonderful friends and family. (though I really do want to fall in love, possibly get married, possibly have a child)

Again… day by day.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The ups and downs of the birthday weekend

Why does this have to be so fricking complicated?

Backing up: had a fabulous pre-birthday night out with Best Friend on Friday. At one point, wonderful guy friend “4” joined us for a drink – there was lots of talk about TC, as well as 4’s new almost-girlfriend. After 4 left, he texted me a beautiful message: “(LV) – I mean this sincerely. (TC) is lucky to have you. You are a wonderful person. For that matter, Best Friend and I are lucky to have you too”.

What an amazing birthday gift! Having wonderful, supportive friends – I felt / feel truly lucky.

Then there was last night: TC had cut short his Thanksgiving out of town with his family to spend my birthday with me. He brought me to a fabulous restaurant (I’d had a sneaking suspicion that we’d be going there), and we had a wonderful, decadent dinner, complete with wine pairings. I knew it was a huge splurge, and was touched that he thought to take me there.

The restaurant was right near his apartment, so it was easiest to go back to his place. I don’t know why – I never sleep well at his place, and last night was no exception. I tossed and turned and got maybe 3 hours of sleep.

I've been feeling lately that I need to have a bit of a talk with him -- take a temperature of where we are. Ugh -- it's always so hard to start these talks! Nerve wracking. We were sitting on his couch drinking coffee this morning, and I finally blurted out that I've been enjoying the time with him, and he's always struck me as an honest, straightforward person... and I just wanted to see what he thinks about where we stand.

He said that he loves spending time with me, and while he has no interest in dating anyone else right now, he's not sure what he’s looking for at this time. He feels that a lot of aspects of his life are in limbo (not his exact words... but you get the gist) – he’s in a strange place re: his career, and feels that he needs to work on himself right now.

I'd had the feeling that he wasn't 100% into this, but actually hearing it was still hard. Don't recall how we wrapped it up... something along the lines of, glad we talked... let's continue to be honest with each other, etc. Still -- I couldn't help but feel somewhat rejected.

After the talk, we grabbed bagels and took a walk in the park - it was beautiful and sunny out, and relatively mild. Under any other circumstances, it would have been a wonderful, romantic moment. Instead, I was on the verge of tears. I finally said I should be going home, and it took all my strength to not cry on the subway -- I burst into tears the second I stepped into my apartment, and am still putting a serious dent in a big box of tissues.

Ugh. I feel so sick about this right now. I know we've only been dating 2½ months, but I've felt more optimistic about him than I have about any other guy in a long, long time. It doesn’t help that I’m physically exhausted from lack of sleep... maybe that's contributing to my feeling emotional and dramatic.

UPDATE: after writing all the above (and consulting with some wonderful friends), I just had to call him and talk this through some more. The one question that I hadn’t asked earlier was, did he see potential with us? I brought this up – and felt reassured when he told me that, yes, he does see potential. And while he admitted, “I’m not sure where I am right now” – he still wants us to date exclusively, and see where this can go. We had a little bit of a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation, but he re-affirmed his good-guy status when he told me to talk to him any time I had lingering questions. A guy who wants to have the awkward talks? Even though he’s not sure “where he is”? Still a good guy.

I’m exhausted. Time for a nap.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Birthday

I have a birthday coming up this weekend – having conflicting feelings about reaching this age (somewhere between mid- and late-30s), more on that later.

In the meantime… looking forward to celebrating with Best Friend tonight, then TC tomorrow! Both have surprises planned for me.

Best Friend and I always plan a special surprise for each other’s birthdays – she’s already told me that tonight’s theme will be a “blast from the past”. I’m guessing we might visit some of our old haunts – we used to be quite the party girls, staying out past dawn every weekend – besides that, I haven’t a clue!

Tomorrow night, dinner with TC – a few weeks ago he asked if I wanted to know where we were going, or if I preferred to be surprised. (how sweet of him to give me the option!) I opted for the surprise… but I have a feeling that we might be going to a restaurant that we recently discussed and said we both wanted to try. But I could be wrong!

For now… time for a little disco nap to prepare for tonight…

Sunday, November 18, 2007

In a happy place

My first night with TC in over a week was a mellow, lovely, wine-filled evening, just enjoying each other’s company. There’s something special about that first hug and kiss when you haven’t seen someone in a while – it just feels like a deeper, more meaningful embrace.

At one point I was telling him some story about my trip, when he interrupted me to say, “you’re really pretty!”. I smiled and got a bit flustered – but felt myself glowing in his compliment.

I eventually got up the nerve to ask if he’d like to meet up with me on my upcoming trip next month (I was so nervous!) – and while I expected him to say there was no way he’d be able to make it, I was pleasantly surprised when he said he’d think about it! He has to check with work first. He actually has some distant family in that country, family he hasn’t seen in many years. So yay for the “maybe”!

This led me to think – if he comes on the trip, chances are, we’ll spend some time with my parents there. Probably best to introduce them before the trip – which would mean the big Meet the Parents moment would happen sometime next month. How daunting! Luckily, I don’t have to think about this just yet… will wait to see if he’s on board for the trip, then worry about it.

Not that there's really anything to *worry* about... my parents are fun, wonderful people, and there's no doubt that they'd adore TC. It's just such a big step, meeting the parents for the first time. It states loud and clear that you're serious about this person.

Anyway... no need to think about this at this moment!

As far as my ongoing insecurities about “us” -- one thing I need to keep in mind: a while ago, I re-read old journal entries from when I first started dating Kosher Guy (which turned into a four-year relationship), and found myself wondering why I was so angst-ridden about him early on… why not just relax, and enjoy the new-ness of the relationship? I have to remind myself that about TC. Enjoy these early days. He’s giving every indication that he’s enjoying this as well – and he seems like a very honest, straightforward person.

I’ll continue to keep my guard up – but I have to remember not to get antsy if one of his e-mails isn’t as romantic as the previous one, or if we go a day or two without talking.

Good news! My weight is down to a new recent low – as of this morning, it’s 131.6! Big huzzah! Before my most recent business trip, I felt huge – bad PMS, not paying attention to the crap that I was eating, no time to go to the gym. In the few days since I’ve been home, my usual, um, "healthy" appetite has diminished somewhat. If I can get below 130 before the holidays, I’ll be ecstatic!

Friday, November 16, 2007

She's back!

My, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted! Most recently, I was away on a business trip – it’s SO nice to be home, sleeping in my own bed.

Things continue to go swimmingly with TC – while I was away, we stayed in touch by e-mail, with just one phone conversation (I was out of the country, so e-mail was best). Early in the trip, I was having a difficult time with one of the people I was working with, and vented about this in an e-mail to TC – his response was so sweet and supportive that I’m still feeling warm and fuzzy re-reading it.

After sending his words of support he added:
Wishing you a successful, fun, exciting, lovely trip. I think you are all of those things.

What a sweetheart! I can’t wait to see him this weekend.

Despite his lovely sentiment, I still can’t shake this feeling in the back of my mind that this is too good to last, and the other shoe will drop soon enough. I can’t figure out if I should try to bury that feeling altogether, or just acknowledge it and keep it in check.

Hm.

In other news: I have a big trip planned for next month – I’ll be with my parents for a week during this trip, and was planning to spend the rest of the time traveling alone (which I quite like doing). I’m considering asking TC if he’d like to join me on that leg of the trip – I think I’ll ask him this weekend. If I had to guess, I think he probably won’t be able to make it – it’s halfway around the world, a rather expensive flight, and he might not be able to take the time off work. But if he can…? That would be an amazing, special trip together.

Watch this space for updates!

Friday, November 2, 2007

New addiction

While I’m not quite “feeling the love” like I was in the beginning with TC, it seems that we’ve plateau-ed into a comfortable, level, “let’s see what happens as we continue to get to know each other” place.

We got together a few nights after my cocktail party, and rehashed the night – he said he really liked everyone, and could tell I had a wonderful, warm group of friends. I didn’t mention that my friend S had told me that it seemed that TC was “was gazing with admiration your way for much of the night”!

More fun plans coming up with him this weekend. Normally I find myself taking the reins when it comes to planning (I do this often with friends, family… and generally, dates) – I don’t mind, and actually enjoy doing it. But when TC talked about this weekend's plans… and went ahead and not only researched, but also booked everything? He won some serious points in my book.

In other news: I resisted for so long, but finally signed up for Facebook. Who knew this would be so addictive?! Not only have I uncovered old friends and past work colleagues, but I’ve enjoyed sending “plants”, having my “zombie” fight other friends’ “vampires”, and “throwing sheep” at friends. Yes, I’ve turned into a 15-year-old boy. This phase had better pass, stat!