Why does this have to be so fricking complicated?
Backing up: had a fabulous pre-birthday night out with Best Friend on Friday. At one point, wonderful guy friend “4” joined us for a drink – there was lots of talk about TC, as well as 4’s new almost-girlfriend. After 4 left, he texted me a beautiful message: “(LV) – I mean this sincerely. (TC) is lucky to have you. You are a wonderful person. For that matter, Best Friend and I are lucky to have you too”.
What an amazing birthday gift! Having wonderful, supportive friends – I felt / feel truly lucky.
Then there was last night: TC had cut short his Thanksgiving out of town with his family to spend my birthday with me. He brought me to a fabulous restaurant (I’d had a sneaking suspicion that we’d be going there), and we had a wonderful, decadent dinner, complete with wine pairings. I knew it was a huge splurge, and was touched that he thought to take me there.
The restaurant was right near his apartment, so it was easiest to go back to his place. I don’t know why – I never sleep well at his place, and last night was no exception. I tossed and turned and got maybe 3 hours of sleep.
I've been feeling lately that I need to have a bit of a talk with him -- take a temperature of where we are. Ugh -- it's always so hard to start these talks! Nerve wracking. We were sitting on his couch drinking coffee this morning, and I finally blurted out that I've been enjoying the time with him, and he's always struck me as an honest, straightforward person... and I just wanted to see what he thinks about where we stand.
He said that he loves spending time with me, and while he has no interest in dating anyone else right now, he's not sure what he’s looking for at this time. He feels that a lot of aspects of his life are in limbo (not his exact words... but you get the gist) – he’s in a strange place re: his career, and feels that he needs to work on himself right now.
I'd had the feeling that he wasn't 100% into this, but actually hearing it was still hard. Don't recall how we wrapped it up... something along the lines of, glad we talked... let's continue to be honest with each other, etc. Still -- I couldn't help but feel somewhat rejected.
After the talk, we grabbed bagels and took a walk in the park - it was beautiful and sunny out, and relatively mild. Under any other circumstances, it would have been a wonderful, romantic moment. Instead, I was on the verge of tears. I finally said I should be going home, and it took all my strength to not cry on the subway -- I burst into tears the second I stepped into my apartment, and am still putting a serious dent in a big box of tissues.
Ugh. I feel so sick about this right now. I know we've only been dating 2½ months, but I've felt more optimistic about him than I have about any other guy in a long, long time. It doesn’t help that I’m physically exhausted from lack of sleep... maybe that's contributing to my feeling emotional and dramatic.
UPDATE: after writing all the above (and consulting with some wonderful friends), I just had to call him and talk this through some more. The one question that I hadn’t asked earlier was, did he see potential with us? I brought this up – and felt reassured when he told me that, yes, he does see potential. And while he admitted, “I’m not sure where I am right now” – he still wants us to date exclusively, and see where this can go. We had a little bit of a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation, but he re-affirmed his good-guy status when he told me to talk to him any time I had lingering questions. A guy who wants to have the awkward talks? Even though he’s not sure “where he is”? Still a good guy.
I’m exhausted. Time for a nap.