Sunday, November 25, 2007

The ups and downs of the birthday weekend

Why does this have to be so fricking complicated?

Backing up: had a fabulous pre-birthday night out with Best Friend on Friday. At one point, wonderful guy friend “4” joined us for a drink – there was lots of talk about TC, as well as 4’s new almost-girlfriend. After 4 left, he texted me a beautiful message: “(LV) – I mean this sincerely. (TC) is lucky to have you. You are a wonderful person. For that matter, Best Friend and I are lucky to have you too”.

What an amazing birthday gift! Having wonderful, supportive friends – I felt / feel truly lucky.

Then there was last night: TC had cut short his Thanksgiving out of town with his family to spend my birthday with me. He brought me to a fabulous restaurant (I’d had a sneaking suspicion that we’d be going there), and we had a wonderful, decadent dinner, complete with wine pairings. I knew it was a huge splurge, and was touched that he thought to take me there.

The restaurant was right near his apartment, so it was easiest to go back to his place. I don’t know why – I never sleep well at his place, and last night was no exception. I tossed and turned and got maybe 3 hours of sleep.

I've been feeling lately that I need to have a bit of a talk with him -- take a temperature of where we are. Ugh -- it's always so hard to start these talks! Nerve wracking. We were sitting on his couch drinking coffee this morning, and I finally blurted out that I've been enjoying the time with him, and he's always struck me as an honest, straightforward person... and I just wanted to see what he thinks about where we stand.

He said that he loves spending time with me, and while he has no interest in dating anyone else right now, he's not sure what he’s looking for at this time. He feels that a lot of aspects of his life are in limbo (not his exact words... but you get the gist) – he’s in a strange place re: his career, and feels that he needs to work on himself right now.

I'd had the feeling that he wasn't 100% into this, but actually hearing it was still hard. Don't recall how we wrapped it up... something along the lines of, glad we talked... let's continue to be honest with each other, etc. Still -- I couldn't help but feel somewhat rejected.

After the talk, we grabbed bagels and took a walk in the park - it was beautiful and sunny out, and relatively mild. Under any other circumstances, it would have been a wonderful, romantic moment. Instead, I was on the verge of tears. I finally said I should be going home, and it took all my strength to not cry on the subway -- I burst into tears the second I stepped into my apartment, and am still putting a serious dent in a big box of tissues.

Ugh. I feel so sick about this right now. I know we've only been dating 2½ months, but I've felt more optimistic about him than I have about any other guy in a long, long time. It doesn’t help that I’m physically exhausted from lack of sleep... maybe that's contributing to my feeling emotional and dramatic.

UPDATE: after writing all the above (and consulting with some wonderful friends), I just had to call him and talk this through some more. The one question that I hadn’t asked earlier was, did he see potential with us? I brought this up – and felt reassured when he told me that, yes, he does see potential. And while he admitted, “I’m not sure where I am right now” – he still wants us to date exclusively, and see where this can go. We had a little bit of a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation, but he re-affirmed his good-guy status when he told me to talk to him any time I had lingering questions. A guy who wants to have the awkward talks? Even though he’s not sure “where he is”? Still a good guy.

I’m exhausted. Time for a nap.


midnite99 said...

Happy birthday! Go you on being open and honest and asking the questions...always better to know where you stand, for sure. And he does sound like a good guy. I'm glad that you are feeling reassured and that he's not shying away from the awkward talks. And I hope he figures out "where he is" sooner rather than later!

Samantha said...

So glad to see the update! I was going to recommend that you call him to clarify also. I think it sounds like everything is moving forward. You guys are dating exclusively, both into each other, just taking it day by day. That's plenty to be happy about after 2.5 months. I'm glad you had a wonderful birthday with your friends!! Happy birthday!

Loverville said...

Thanks for your sweet comments! Keeping fingers crossed.

sexagenarian and the city said...

He sounds like a very lovely guy, especially his willingness to talk, and his openness to more talks. That's so important. Men do always feel the need to get their professional lives on track, and it's good he's honest about that. You know it's not you. It's possible that a steady relationship with you will inspire him to get everything else on track. All you can do is let some time pass and see how your feelings, and his, develop. Good luck to you (and belated Happy Birthday). -- m.

jessica said...

Of course, I understand you being upset, but I do not think you need to be. He was totally honest and if he did not feel it, it sounds like he would have let you know so you do not waste your time. His answer was fine. He said the most crucial thing, that he sees potential. After 2 months, that is a perfect and acceptable answer. Is he your age (mid to late 30's)?

jgo said...

Hey LV -- I would say keep trying. He communicates his feelings and wants to date just you. I dont see any reason to not believe what he is saying.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the need to take an emotional/relationship temperature so soon. Try to just enjoy it for a while without analyzing it so much. (Better said than done though, right?) Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Why did you have to have a "talk" the morning after he splurged on you for your b'day? Did something happen? Seems that gesture would have made you secure, but it didn't.

Loverville said...

Thanks, all, for your words of support! I'm feeling much more level-headed about things now.

Jessica, he's my age.

As far as the question, why did I feel a need to take a temperature now? I guess I just sensed that his interest was sometimes quite strong... sometimes not quite as apparent. I believe in honest communication, and absolutely don't regret our talk.

If anything... our talk made me realize that I need to NOT overthink things, try NOT to predict the future, and just take it one day at a time.