Thursday, December 20, 2007


Probably my last post til next year – happy holidays, everyone!

I really should be packing for my trip – but I’m such a procrastinator when it comes to packing. It takes me hours – I need to research the local weather, figure out how many casual / dressy items I’ll need, determine what kind of “active” clothing I’ll need (will there be swimming? Hiking? Snorkeling?), remember to pack the iPod charger, cell charger, camera battery charger, local adaptor… I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

It’s been nearly a week since TC went out of town – we exchanged a few messages and e-mails, but only managed to connect on the phone today. He sounded strangely distant, and when I asked if everything was OK, he gave the old chestnut that he was tired. I still have that nagging feeling that he’s having doubts about us – but since I’m about to go out of town as well (for a few weeks), I need to just hit the “pause” button and accept that there’s nothing I can do right now.

Actually, I’ve had a bit of a distraction from TC of late. I have a good friend who has fabulous parties on a regular basis – at one of these parties about a year ago, I met one of her guy friends (let’s call him Flirt) who I thought was quite cute and charming. I also met his girlfriend at that same party, so needless to say, I immediately wrote him off as potential date material.

Fast forward: about a month ago, we ran into each other at another party, and he seemed, well, quite flirty. I learned that he and his girlfriend had broken up, but as I had heard stories about his amorous exploits on a recent vacation, I just assumed he was flirty with every woman he encountered. (Not that I would have taken him up on any potential offers anyway, as I was quite happy with TC).

Post-party, Flirt sent a few flirty messages (aka, Superpokes) via Facebook – I “Superpoked” back with more chaste messages. I must admit, the attention was somewhat flattering (even if it seems like he flirts with everyone) – especially in light of not feeling so much attention from TC.

Fast forward a bit more: another party, this past weekend. Flirt was there – TC was not. Flirt was definitely noticeably flirty. He’d pull me close in a group picture, he’d make sure I had a drink, and in a self-timer picture, he planted a big kiss on my cheek. I must admit, the attention was quite flattering. However -- even if I were single, I don’t think he’d be boyfriend material – but it was a fun, innocent distraction from my TC angst.

It should be pretty obvious on these pages that I really want things to work out with TC. But would it help to cushion the blow a bit if I had a (possible) fling to fall back on if we were to break up? Maybe. Let’s not think about that right now.

Happy Holidays! Here's hoping for less angst on these pages in '08!

Friday, December 14, 2007

See you next year

Had a lovely, romantic time with TC last night – but now I won’t see him until next year – actually, our next date is set for a month from today.

I have my big exotic trip coming up, and while I know I’ll have a blast, I’ve been a bit bummed about not the thought of not seeing TC for almost 3 weeks. Well – he just found out a few days ago about a big business trip he needed to go on this week. He left today, and he’s not coming back until the end of next week, after I leave for my trip. So much for that final, romantic weekend I'd been looking forward to!

This was a mentally draining week. Earlier in the week, I went from not really “feeling the love” from him to being convinced that it was over between us… mainly on the basis of his not calling and e-mailing as regularly as he normally did. Maybe it was a combination of a bad dose of PMS, stress from work and lack of sleep, but for a day or so, I got on the crazy train and couldn’t find my way off. Many supportive e-mails with wonderful friends were exchanged (thanks, everyone!), and they really helped me put things in perspective.

Thanks also for the advice here as well. Trust me, in my head I know I need to just relax, and stop overthinking this, and stop trying to predict what might happen with us. I wish it were as easy as that.

I’m in a better place today, and will do my best to stay here! Actually, this time apart might even be good for us – sometimes it’s good to be in a situation where you’re missed. This will certainly be an amazing time for me – a new country to explore, a new culture, some time spent with my parents. I’m excited for the adventures that await me!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

That little voice (again)

I’ve been too busy with work and holiday parties to dwell much on TC (thankfully!). But now that I actually have a moment to stop and unwind? I’m fluctuating between not “feeling the love” from him and realizing that I really have nothing to worry about, that all this angst is unfounded.

One example of not “feeling the love”: he mentioned that he might be going to New Orleans for the next Mardi Gras. A part of me felt a bit “harrumph” – it would have been nice to have been asked to go along. (even though I can’t because of a work conflict… that’s besides the point!)

Then there’s the other side: I just realized that I saw TC three times this past week, all fun nights: my company holiday party, a belated birthday gathering I threw for myself, and a night out with just the two of us being goofy, playing pool and ping-pong before going for burgers. Would he continue to hang out not just with me, but with my friends AND co-workers if he wasn’t enjoying this?

I know I really should just enjoy the moment… but if I have this nagging little voice in the back of my head, how much should I acknowledge it? I’m sure it’s there for a reason. I’m sure a big part of it is self-preservation. After playing the dating game for so long, I’m so happy to finally be dating a guy who I really adore. I’m just scared of having the rug pulled out from under me.

I’ve seen a therapist in the past, but stopped a few months ago because of trouble with insurance. I’m switching to a new insurance plan next month, so it might be good to start seeing a shrink on a regular basis again, and get to the root of this.

Wow – I just looked at a calendar and realized that next weekend will mark three months since my first date with TC! Many people consider the three-month mark to be the “make or break” point. Maybe this means I’ll start feeling more secure if we make it past next week…!

Hm. The question now is, do I point out to him that a celebration is in order, since we have an “anniversary” approaching? (I would be absolutely gobsmacked if he brought it up!) Or save such celebrations for future, more significant “anniversaries”? Methinks the latter.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Wait and see... blah blah blah

In an e-mail exchange about men and relationships with my very wise friend M, she wrote:

Sooner or later everyone gets married and has kids; but does everyone get to have an interesting life? So I take the latter as my goal and figure the former will probably take care of itself.

Love that… I’m going to try to make that my new mantra. Though to be honest, I’m not really sure if marriage and kids are guaranteed for me… but really, are there any guarantees in life?

TC update: not much communication this past week, and I was a bit disappointed when he had to cancel our mid-week plans (though he had a good reason – long work day, blah blah blah). However, we had a wonderful night out last night – went to a friend’s performance, then out to dinner with her and a group of extended friends.

It hit home what a wonderful guy TC is when one of the other guys in the group, P, kept finding something to kvetch about: “this bar is too noisy!” and “we really shouldn’t leave that big of a tip!” Funny sidenote: I had a Match date with this guy P about 3 years ago. Just that one date… that was more than enough. (In the years since, our paths have crossed a few times, as we have a few friends in common).

I’m always telling myself that I just need to “wait and see” when it comes to relationships, yet I generally find it hard to put that into practice. Well – shocker of shockers – I think I’m finally in a place where I’m OK with the waiting and seeing.** It certainly helps that I have a busy month coming up – lots of parties to attend (some with TC, some without) – and a big, exciting trip planned for later this month into next. **(at least for today -- let's see how long this streak can last!)

Speaking of… this is the same trip that I had asked TC to meet me on (why the hell can’t I write that sentence in correct English? Feel free to help me here, someone). Anyway – he told me today that most likely, he won’t be able to meet up with me on said trip. No problem – that would have been fun (and quite interesting, in terms of the “relationship”), but I know I’m going to have a fabulous time anyway.

Looking forward to tonight: drinks out with CJ – we haven’t done this in a while, and we have lots of dishing to catch up on!

*** ps: I know I shouldn’t read into this, especially since I finally convinced myself that I’m in “wait and see” mode: last night, Performer Friend told us about another show she’s planning for the spring. Later in the night, TC told me that he’d really like to catch that next show. The old me would have read this as him telling me “I’d like to catch that performance in the spring… with you… which means I see us together beyond just today and tomorrow”. But the new me? Just says (to herself) that we’ll just wait and see.

Is this mantra getting monotonous yet?