Monday, January 28, 2008

Another one bites the dust.

(Now I have that Queen song stuck in my head)

Someone / something out there is making it very clear that I am NOT meant to be dating right now.

I got an e-mail from the Skydiver today explaining that while he’d had a very nice time on our date last week, he needed more time to clear his head – and thus needed to cancel our date this week.

No biggie – and I’m not all that surprised, since he did tell me early on that he was just out of a long-term relationship. I’d much rather him tell me this NOW than six months down the road! I can’t explain it, it just struck me as kind of … funny. (as in funny, ha, ha) I’m not taking it personally at all, but still found it very amusing when, after writing to three different friends with the news, they each wrote back that he was a “pussy”. (all three of them used that same word! Is it currently in vogue or something?) I love my friends.

*****

I had a blast on my non-date with Good Hair Guy yesterday – over brunch, I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation (mostly about dating, travel and NYC real estate), and found myself thinking that I need to hang out with him more often. We then went to a local bar where he thoroughly kicked my ass at both pool AND ping pong. Not much of a surprise there – he had already warned me that he was 1989 Springfield Junior Ping Pong Champion*, and man, was he competitive!

There was some very mild, innocent flirting going on… every so often I’d lean over and flash a little cleavage in an attempt to distract him from his ping pong game. It would work momentarily, until he’d regain composure, and would subsequently score another point. Overall, just a fun time.

I walked home thinking this was one of those times I was really happy to be single in New York City – it just felt “right”.

Lots of social activities this week, then heading out of town for work next week. A lot going on, keeping busy!

* not his real championship title.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Closure. And the (occasional) FWB.

I hadn’t planned on bringing up my J-date “discovery” with TC – my feeling was, just let this thing die.

But when he left a casual, breezy message on my voicemail (pretty much reflecting the way we left things off), I had to get it off my chest, but I didn’t feel like talking to him. I sent an e-mail that stated that I noticed that he had revised his profile while we were still dating, and found it quite hurtful – if he was interested in dating other people at that time, he really should have said something to me.

His response: he would occasionally see that he’d received an e-mail through the site, and would log in to read it – but he never responded, and hadn’t dated anyone else. He said he understood how I might feel, and he apologized.

Not entirely satisfactory (why would he feel the need to stroke his ego by reading incoming e-mails on a dating site?) – but by this point, I was just done. I had already spent too much time and energy on him, and was ready to close this book. I e-mailed him with a simple thanks for the explanation, maybe we can be friends down the road, but for now, it’s best to have some distance. He wrote back: I understand, best of luck, etc.

I don’t know why I feel / felt the need to have so-called closure – but I did (feel that need), and I do (feel that I have the closure on him now).

Moving on. Still in “non-dating” mode – it’s a good feeling, NOT having to worry about the usual questions / wondering that go along with even the most simple exchanges! (at least in my stupidly overly-analytical head)

OK, one exception to my non-dating status: a second date is planned with Skydiver later this week. We’re both recently out of relationships, so it seems that there’s an unspoken rule to take this (whatever “this” is at this moment) at a snail’s pace. No problem there.

And (I’m not considering this a date) – I’m having brunch today with a guy I’ll call Good Hair Guy (GHG). GHG and I met through Match about two years ago and dated casually for a few months – he was clear from the start that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, and, at the time, that was fine by me. We had fun – no pressure, no questions.

We gradually stopped seeing each other, but every so often would meet for a drink – sometimes we’d wind up spending the night together, but not always. Last time I saw him was over the summer, when we had a very nice chat over a drink (purely platonic).

Today? I’m not feeling particularly FWB-ish. I’m anticipating a fun day with a cute guy friend. That’s it. (but will keep him in mind if a tryst is needed down the road)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Mofo

While checking out the J-date options today, out of curiosity, I just *had* to look up TC's profile -- only human, you know? Just wondering if he was back "out there" yet.

Well, guess what -- it showed that he hadn't logged on recently, but he HAD revised his profile in the end of December. Revised his DATING profile. While WE were supposedly still dating. Exclusively.

That mofo douchewad.

It certainly makes it easier to get over him -- I'd rather hate him than be sappy and moody over him.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Date #104: Skydiver

(ie, this is my 104th “first date” since my last serious relationship ended, nearly 3 years ago… and my first “first date” in over 4 months)
Quick summary:
· cuter than I had expected
· total gentleman – insisted on not only picking up dinner (he chose the restaurant – good spot), but after-dinner cocktails as well at another bar
· good conversation
· seemingly good connection – quick kiss goodnight, but discussed plans to get together later in the week
· one of the best things about him? He doesn’t do internet dating (this only came up briefly, and we didn’t get into MY own internet dating history).

Nice time, but still – no expectations. One date at a time.

Lots of social events planned with friends this week: a dinner party, some volunteering, a screening, an “intercambio” (dinner with a friend who is going to help me with my Spanish).

In a nutshell, lots of “me” time, with a sprinkling of good friends thrown in!

Dating hiatus

Out of curiosity, I’ve been doing a bit of window shopping on Match and J-date to get a vibe of what’s out there. So far, what I’m seeing is NOT inspiring me to invest the chunk of change required for “premium membership” – which should simply be called “membership”, because if you want to actually be able to send and receive e-mails, you have to pay the rather steep price. (on J-date, it’s a flat rate of $150 for a six-month membership, or you can pay month-by-month at $40 per. Match is a bit cheaper.)

Costs aside, I’m not feeling especially inclined to jump back into the dating pool at the moment, especially anonymous online serial dating. At least for the next few weeks, the plan is to enjoy some (pardon the cliché) “me” time – catch up with friends, stay busy with work projects, log some serious gym time, etc.

I'm so relieved to NOT have to worry about the TC situation any longer that I don't want to jump into a new dating / worrying situation. Not that dating always has to be about worrying... but there's always that thought process: will he call back? Did he like me as much as I liked him? Did he think I was an OK kisser?

This is the first time in a long, long time that I’m not investing significant time and energy into finding a mate – and it feels pretty good.

Saying that – I do have that first date with Skydiver tonight (the friend of a friend), but am feeling very calm and non-expectant. IF I like him (always a big IF), will strive to keep that relaxed feeling rolling.

This made me laugh – I came across a J-date profile with a picture of a very good-looking guy, nice height, etc. Then I read what he’d written about himself: into cooking, loves the city, blah blah blah… and “masculine, tall, dark, handsome and smart men”. A quick glance at the header revealed that he was in the “men seeking men” category, somehow slipped past my search radar. Too funny! Of COURSE the best profile belongs to a gay man!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Thanks.

Quick one before dashing to work (I’m a bit wary / superstitious about being on my blog in the office!).

THANK YOU to everyone for your words of support! I’ve read and re-read them and feel very warm and fuzzy to have received this sort of response. So really – thanks. It means a lot.

My “real life” friends have also been amazing. Lots of social events planned – had a rousing, voice-losing night of karaoke with CJ and other friends. Some parties and happy hours coming up – very much looking forward to the weekend.

And… Skydiver (the friend of a friend who spotted me on Mutual Friend’s Facebook page) left a message, asking if I’d like to get together this weekend. Nice!

Don’t get me wrong: since I last wrote, there have definitely been quite a few teary moments over the breakup with TC (despite what I wrote before, now I’m acknowledging – yes, it’s a breakup). I even had a bit of a cry in front of my boss when I told her the news – very embarrassing, but thankfully, it’s a casual office, and I’ve known her for years. She was wonderfully supportive, and gave me a big hug.

But overall, I’m very much relieved to not be in limbo any longer. TC and I haven’t been in touch since “the talk”, probably for the best. I’m certainly not going to be the one to make contact next. I’m sure we can be friends down the road… in time.

[One “silver lining” to the breakup – leading up to it, and for a day or two after, my appetite was just GONE, and I felt myself becoming a bit slimmer. Now that I’m getting over it? Appetite coming back. Damn!]

Sunday, January 13, 2008

And that's that.

Just got in from seeing TC. We had “the talk”: we're not exactly in "broken up, never going to see each other again" mode, it's more like we're in "casual, see each other every so often when he's in town" mode. But it’s pretty much official that we’re no longer boyfriend / girlfriend (it hasn’t felt like that for a while now anyway).

I was so, so nervous before he came over – felt physically ill. When he came by, it felt extremely awkward and stilted at first – I got the sense that he barely wanted to kiss me hello. Went out to dinner, and things gradually got a bit more relaxed, as we talked about each of our trips.

Finally, after dinner I said something like “I think we both know that we have to talk”. He admitted to a bit of a disconnect a few weeks before our trips, couldn't explain it. It may have started after the talk just after my birthday, when we established that I was looking to get serious, and he wasn't so sure.

The overall talk was that we’re in different places right now – I’m looking for something long-term, possibly marriage, and he doesn’t see himself in that kind of situation at this time. Also, he’s going to be traveling a lot for work in the near future, at times spending weeks on end on the road, and feels that it wouldn’t be fair for me to wait around for him when he’s in limbo like this. Even though it was an awkward topic, it felt much warmer than it had earlier in the evening – he acknowledged that he liked me a lot, and really enjoyed the time we’d had together.

I told him that at this point, given what I’m looking for, I’d probably start seeing other people. He said he understood. We said goodbye on a rainy street corner (how cliché!), and that was that.

I felt fine as I walked home in the rain – actually felt a huge relief to no longer be in limbo with him. It was only as I was leaving a message for Best Friend that I broke down crying. She called me back, and it was a huge catharsis to be able to spill the events of the night and reflect on the overall situation. (thanks so much, D!)

So – that’s that. No idea when we’ll talk again, but at least I won’t be waiting around for his call. Yes, I’m sad… but I felt this coming for a while.

I’m in no hurry to start serial dating again, will probably wait a few weeks before I think about joining J-date again. Work is going to keep me very busy for the next few weeks, so that will be a welcome distraction. But if Skydiver or Cute Young Aussie guy were to get in touch? I’d certainly be open to a date with one (or both) of them.

Queasy

Finally seeing TC tonight, for the first time in over a month, and I’m nervous. In the past, after one of us had been away, I’d prep for his visit by lighting candles and putting on mellow music. This time, I think I need to play it safe – no overtly romantic welcome planned. Trying to keep it as neutral as possible until I assess his vibe.

Our phone conversations felt a bit stilted over the weekend – details about both our trips, work, etc. He finally threw me a bone when we made plans, and he added “looking forward to it”. That’s about the extent of his warmth these days.

In the meantime, I’ve had a very nice distraction: a guy friend e-mailed me, saying a friend of his saw my Facebook profile, and wanted an introduction. Said friend then e-mailed me a bit about himself – let’s call him Skydiver, as he does that quite regularly – but also mentioned that he’s only recently out of a long-term relationship, so if I’d like to meet up, maybe we could do that a few weeks down the road? (OK…) I wrote back, no problem, take your time. So we’ll see. I must admit, it’s nice to have a possible Plan B.

Another very fun distraction: went dancing last night with a group of friends, and our group got along swimmingly with a group of very cute Aussie guys, dancing up a storm. Numbers were exchanged before the guys left – and a few hours later, one of them called me (I missed the call) but didn’t leave a message. I doubt anything will come of it – I think he’s too young, I’m guessing about 6 or 7 years my junior – but the dancing and flirtation was heaps of fun.

Wish me luck tonight! I’m feeling queasy just thinking about it. Stupid, I know. I just can’t get over that terrible feeling that a relationship with the first guy I’ve really liked in three years may be coming to an end.

I know, he’s not the last guy on earth – and if he’s not interested, well, he’s just not the right guy for me. And blah blah blah, the right guy will come along someday, etc. I’m just wallowing in this today… I’m sure tomorrow (or the next day) I’ll be back to my optimistic, fabulous self!

But for today? Dating sucks.

Friday, January 11, 2008

He's back... then there's the Sexy Older Guy...

TC just got back from his international trip this morning, and e-mailed me to make plans for the weekend. (and yes, I thought it was strange for him to e-mail rather than call… ) I already had plans in place for most of the weekend (including a party tomorrow night that I’m very excited about), so we’re seeing each other Sunday night.

I feel that he's certainly pulled away, and I'm in two minds about what to do now. A part of me feels that if he's not in this 100%, then we should call it quits. Another part feels, why not keep him around and enjoy the fun times together? (but also start seeing other guys). I guess I have to wait til I see him to figure it out.

During my trip, I was at a location where it’s traditional to make a wish – in addition to good health and happiness for my family and friends, my wish was for inner peace for myself. I’m not particularly superstitious, but I really do feel a little less angst-ridden about TC than I was before my trip. Then again… a month apart could have that affect.

Some of you asked, if the opportunity for a vacation fling were to come up, what would I do? Well – no such opportunities arose. But there may be a chance for a future fling: on my last night, I had a drink with a much older (about 20 years my senior) guy, a friend of a colleague – let’s call him Richard Gere, as there was quite a strong resemblance. “Richard” is a very charming international traveler, with homes in three different countries. I sensed a bit of a connection, but had to dash to catch my flight. He later texted me that it was nice to meet me, and so on… and added “smart and cute? Now that’s nice”. Flattering! He has followed up with e-mails since -- I have a feeling we'll stay in touch...

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Happy New Year!

Just a quick one – I’m back from my trip, and completely jetlagged and loopy! It was a great trip – some time spent with my parents in Foreign Country #1, then some quality time alone in Foreign Country #2 (but hung out with some very cool Aussie women for part of the time).

TC update: he wound up going away as well, to visit a buddy in yet another foreign country – when he last wrote a few days ago, he “thought” he was coming home by this weekend. Over the past few weeks apart, we kept in touch occasionally, but his e-mails were generally short and perfunctory. At this point, I’m pretty much resigned to the fact that this may be ending soon – none of his e-mails had the “miss you” or “can’t wait to see you” that they had in the past. I just can’t devote any more energy to something that seems like a lost cause.

Saying that, I’ll still keep an open mind when I see him next, ensuring that he’s the one who initiates plans to get together. Better act fast buddy, my weekend is filling up quickly!

Next time: info about the Sexy Older Guy and the wish for inner peace...