Just got in from seeing TC. We had “the talk”: we're not exactly in "broken up, never going to see each other again" mode, it's more like we're in "casual, see each other every so often when he's in town" mode. But it’s pretty much official that we’re no longer boyfriend / girlfriend (it hasn’t felt like that for a while now anyway).
I was so, so nervous before he came over – felt physically ill. When he came by, it felt extremely awkward and stilted at first – I got the sense that he barely wanted to kiss me hello. Went out to dinner, and things gradually got a bit more relaxed, as we talked about each of our trips.
Finally, after dinner I said something like “I think we both know that we have to talk”. He admitted to a bit of a disconnect a few weeks before our trips, couldn't explain it. It may have started after the talk just after my birthday, when we established that I was looking to get serious, and he wasn't so sure.
The overall talk was that we’re in different places right now – I’m looking for something long-term, possibly marriage, and he doesn’t see himself in that kind of situation at this time. Also, he’s going to be traveling a lot for work in the near future, at times spending weeks on end on the road, and feels that it wouldn’t be fair for me to wait around for him when he’s in limbo like this. Even though it was an awkward topic, it felt much warmer than it had earlier in the evening – he acknowledged that he liked me a lot, and really enjoyed the time we’d had together.
I told him that at this point, given what I’m looking for, I’d probably start seeing other people. He said he understood. We said goodbye on a rainy street corner (how cliché!), and that was that.
I felt fine as I walked home in the rain – actually felt a huge relief to no longer be in limbo with him. It was only as I was leaving a message for Best Friend that I broke down crying. She called me back, and it was a huge catharsis to be able to spill the events of the night and reflect on the overall situation. (thanks so much, D!)
So – that’s that. No idea when we’ll talk again, but at least I won’t be waiting around for his call. Yes, I’m sad… but I felt this coming for a while.
I’m in no hurry to start serial dating again, will probably wait a few weeks before I think about joining J-date again. Work is going to keep me very busy for the next few weeks, so that will be a welcome distraction. But if Skydiver or Cute Young Aussie guy were to get in touch? I’d certainly be open to a date with one (or both) of them.