Sunday, January 13, 2008

And that's that.

Just got in from seeing TC. We had “the talk”: we're not exactly in "broken up, never going to see each other again" mode, it's more like we're in "casual, see each other every so often when he's in town" mode. But it’s pretty much official that we’re no longer boyfriend / girlfriend (it hasn’t felt like that for a while now anyway).

I was so, so nervous before he came over – felt physically ill. When he came by, it felt extremely awkward and stilted at first – I got the sense that he barely wanted to kiss me hello. Went out to dinner, and things gradually got a bit more relaxed, as we talked about each of our trips.

Finally, after dinner I said something like “I think we both know that we have to talk”. He admitted to a bit of a disconnect a few weeks before our trips, couldn't explain it. It may have started after the talk just after my birthday, when we established that I was looking to get serious, and he wasn't so sure.

The overall talk was that we’re in different places right now – I’m looking for something long-term, possibly marriage, and he doesn’t see himself in that kind of situation at this time. Also, he’s going to be traveling a lot for work in the near future, at times spending weeks on end on the road, and feels that it wouldn’t be fair for me to wait around for him when he’s in limbo like this. Even though it was an awkward topic, it felt much warmer than it had earlier in the evening – he acknowledged that he liked me a lot, and really enjoyed the time we’d had together.

I told him that at this point, given what I’m looking for, I’d probably start seeing other people. He said he understood. We said goodbye on a rainy street corner (how cliché!), and that was that.

I felt fine as I walked home in the rain – actually felt a huge relief to no longer be in limbo with him. It was only as I was leaving a message for Best Friend that I broke down crying. She called me back, and it was a huge catharsis to be able to spill the events of the night and reflect on the overall situation. (thanks so much, D!)

So – that’s that. No idea when we’ll talk again, but at least I won’t be waiting around for his call. Yes, I’m sad… but I felt this coming for a while.

I’m in no hurry to start serial dating again, will probably wait a few weeks before I think about joining J-date again. Work is going to keep me very busy for the next few weeks, so that will be a welcome distraction. But if Skydiver or Cute Young Aussie guy were to get in touch? I’d certainly be open to a date with one (or both) of them.


Samantha said...

You poor thing :( I'm at least glad that you aren't in limbo anymore, I know that is a relief but I'm sorry things didn't work out with him. You are going to be ok in time, and I know you know that. I'm glad that you at least have some clarity.

a&v said...

Well, shoot.

It's true that it feels better not to be in limbo, but (until the weirdness started) TC seemed so promising. Thank god for good friends, though, right?

pt said...

I'm so sorry.

If it's any consolation, this reminds me of what happened with a good friend of mine. A guy she was super-serious with, after 5 months, stopped calling. So by the time she saw him a week later, she just knew. Later, her regret was that she didn't "break up" with him first.

She met the man she married exactly one year later, and they got married exactly one year after that. She sensed not one shred of ambivalence from this guy. Actually, he was casually dating someone else whom he dumped for her.

I can't help but wonder whether being the first one to make it clear you want something serious is *always* a bad move. If it comes from the girl, it seems to make guys freak. Just an observation, but the pattern is annoyingly consistent.

I totally hope he regrets it and comes crawling back. And by then you will have found someone better.

r. partygirl said...

:( I'm sorry it didn't work out.

That's funny, my NY boy was the 1st guy I liked in about 3 years also. & I just recently accepted the fact that it wasn't going anywhere & I have to move on. But we never did talk about things, I had to figure it out on my own (& with the help of my friends) which does not make it easier.

I am glad that at least TC was open to discussing it & he was honest with you. It is a huge relief to know what's going on.

midnite99 said...

Oh, I'm sorry you are feeling so bummed. But I'm glad you got things out in the open (yay communication!) and I'm glad you've got good friends who let you vent. Taking a bit of a break before going back on JDate makes sense. And maybe you could call Aussie Boy in the meantime and at least have a drink with someone who makes you feel sexy and fun. Hugs to you!

Loverville said...

Thanks, everyone, for your words of support! It's 3 am, and I can't sleep, as I'm re-playing tonight's talk in my head (as well as events from the past 4 months with TC) -- so finding that I had all these comments made me feel so much better!

PT -- as far as my being open that I wanted something serious -- I think that even if I'd brought it up further down the road, it would have had the same reaction. Better off knowing sooner rather than later, eh?

I'm still optimistic that the "right" guy won't freak out at that sort of thing!

Thanks again, everyone! And if you know a cool, cute guy in NYC between, oh, 36-44-ish, with a good head of hair and a great smile... send him my way!

acaligurl said...

oh shoot, sorry things aren't working out. i agree with you, better to know now. although that does not necessarily lessen the broken heart feelings.
keep calm, carry on.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sad...but what a relief you knew what was coming. I think you were very wise to have "the talk" at somepoint early on (obviously not too early) just to insure you are not totally wasting each other's time. If the guy freaks, than you are right, so much better to know now than later. You will find the one, it is clear you have a great attitude and a lot to offer. Jessica

dv in the 51st state said...


Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

I would say I'm sorry except the real tragedy would have been if you hadn't been straight with what you were looking for (something serious) and he hadn't been pretty honest in his response (not so much) and you still hadn't given it one last shot and then ended it kindly and before too much time and emotional effort got wasted. Basically - you handled it just right. The basic round of dating and all you can say is you met a pretty good guy, gave it a shot and will move on in a few weeks when you feel better.

You should congratulate yourself on being courageous and honest and "out there." I bet you will feel better sooner than you think too since you knew this was coming for so long that now that it's off your chest you will breath a sigh of relief. Take care of yourself, LV!

mimi of sexagenarian and the city said...

oh lv, i'm really sorry. i know exactly how you feel; friends are _so_ important at a time like this. it's easy to think, well, he was never right, never really 'committed' etc., but that doesn't mean it isn't painful to think of losing the fun and the joy of having someone to spend time w. and plan things with.

on to the future: my friend -- male -- who asked for advice on internet dating is v. eligible, tho possibly not yr type. who knows? contact me offline and i'll tell you more.

pt said...

What dating trooper has written is very wise.

I agree, LV, that you would have gotten the same response in the long run.

I think, however, the very fact that you (meaning any couple) are discussing your "future" and whether you want to be serious/exclusive is a bad sign. By this I mean that, if you feel the need to "talk about us," it is a symptom of a less-than-ideal relationship. If the relationship is really right, it's a foregone conclusion and you just kind of know. It doesn't need to be discussed. It's simply clear that you are included in each other's lives naturally, now and the next day and the day after that.

Still, if the issue needs to be discussed in order to be resolved, than that's only a good thing. It is always better to know, and sooner rather than later.

Another beef I have with the online thing is the intentionality of it all. You are meeting with the purpose of seeing whether you can develop a relationship -- as opposed to developing a relationship with a person you happen to meet and like. It's backwards.

I know how frustrating it is to finally meet someone with promise and then have it dissolve. I was hoping your blog would turn boring because you had no more horror stories.

londongirl said...

V.sad indeed - I'm sorry it didn't work out. But as others have said, it's better for it to be out in the open and honest than wondering is he/isn't he interested.

And you never know whether he'll now realise he does want a serious relationship or whether you'll just meet someone better.

Keep your chin up hon.

Tess said...

Take your time. There's plenty of fishes in the ocean. You had that coming with TC and it ended well. No need to feel sorry about yourself.