Sunday, January 27, 2008

Closure. And the (occasional) FWB.

I hadn’t planned on bringing up my J-date “discovery” with TC – my feeling was, just let this thing die.

But when he left a casual, breezy message on my voicemail (pretty much reflecting the way we left things off), I had to get it off my chest, but I didn’t feel like talking to him. I sent an e-mail that stated that I noticed that he had revised his profile while we were still dating, and found it quite hurtful – if he was interested in dating other people at that time, he really should have said something to me.

His response: he would occasionally see that he’d received an e-mail through the site, and would log in to read it – but he never responded, and hadn’t dated anyone else. He said he understood how I might feel, and he apologized.

Not entirely satisfactory (why would he feel the need to stroke his ego by reading incoming e-mails on a dating site?) – but by this point, I was just done. I had already spent too much time and energy on him, and was ready to close this book. I e-mailed him with a simple thanks for the explanation, maybe we can be friends down the road, but for now, it’s best to have some distance. He wrote back: I understand, best of luck, etc.

I don’t know why I feel / felt the need to have so-called closure – but I did (feel that need), and I do (feel that I have the closure on him now).

Moving on. Still in “non-dating” mode – it’s a good feeling, NOT having to worry about the usual questions / wondering that go along with even the most simple exchanges! (at least in my stupidly overly-analytical head)

OK, one exception to my non-dating status: a second date is planned with Skydiver later this week. We’re both recently out of relationships, so it seems that there’s an unspoken rule to take this (whatever “this” is at this moment) at a snail’s pace. No problem there.

And (I’m not considering this a date) – I’m having brunch today with a guy I’ll call Good Hair Guy (GHG). GHG and I met through Match about two years ago and dated casually for a few months – he was clear from the start that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, and, at the time, that was fine by me. We had fun – no pressure, no questions.

We gradually stopped seeing each other, but every so often would meet for a drink – sometimes we’d wind up spending the night together, but not always. Last time I saw him was over the summer, when we had a very nice chat over a drink (purely platonic).

Today? I’m not feeling particularly FWB-ish. I’m anticipating a fun day with a cute guy friend. That’s it. (but will keep him in mind if a tryst is needed down the road)


mimi of sexagenarian and the city said...

i've heard that, too -- he logged on to jdate because he had to answer the messages. the thing is, he (whoever he is), if he's dating you (whoever you are) seriously, should have taken his profile down. but they do like to know what's out there.

it's not good.

i've been on the other side of that a few times, e.g. when 'x',last may, read & responded to my messages while still nominally w. his girlfriend -- or so she thought. it's good you wrote & told him; generally good practice (so I'm finding) to speak your mind directly, once you know what 'your mind' is. it can sometimes take a while to know.

hang in there, LV.

midnite99 said...

Closure rocks. Never underestimate the power it has. Now it's time to focus on YOU, and what YOU want. Have a date if you want, have an FWB if you want, have quality time with girlfriends if you want, have quality time with yourself if you want. Best of luck!

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

As far as I'm concerned, if a relationship is definitely over (no chance of reconciliation) and you desire closure, do what you can to get it. Many times it helps - unless of course you get an answer you didn't want, which is what happened to me. But any answer - even if you don't like it - is better than nothing. Keep the focus on you now!

eH-what? said...

I've pushed for closure based on a lot less (and by that I mean disappointing information such as TC on Match or after only a few dates) and no matter what the answer,--it's best to get things off your chest.

I'm going to disagree with the DTrooper here and say that in a good relationship you should always be able to communicate about your feelings (good, bad, whatever) and if you want to ask someone about something that bothers you, you don't have to wait until there is 'no chance of reconciliaton'. If you'd seen TC with the updated profile on Match and you were still dating,--I'd hope you'd have said the same thing. I think you would :)