Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Dating karma

THANK YOU, everyone, for your feedback to my latest dating query.

After discussing with shrink, and telling her that, in my gut this just didn’t feel right, I sent an e-mail to Fun Bobby that I thought it best for us to not see each other right now. I didn’t feel the need to go into detail, but told him that certainly, if he wanted to call me to discuss this, he should feel free to do so.

A few of your comments hit home – how would I want to be treated in this situation? It reminded me of my situation with TC a few months ago – I sensed for a while before we broke up that he was losing interest, but I was afraid to ask (deep down, I knew what the answer would be). When we actually broke up, I asked him why he hadn’t brought this up sooner – his response was that he didn’t want us to break up just before the holidays and just before I was leaving the country for a few weeks. What wound up happening was that even though I was on vacation, I was still pretty miserable, wondering what was happening with “us”. It sucked. In retrospect, I wish we had nipped that thing in the bud earlier.

With that in mind, I feel like I did the right thing with FB. Now just waiting for his response.

I had a lovely conversation with Good Voice earlier today, and it’s pretty clear that we’re both excited to see each other again later this week.

And yet – in the meantime, I had a date with a new guy tonight (which we had arranged last week) – my 108th first date in the past three years. And guess what – that didn’t feel right either.

Let’s just call him Nice Guy. Nice Guy, under other circumstances, could have been a contender (no, I’m not trying to evoke Marlon Brando here). Smart, reasonably good-looking, interesting, well-traveled. And yet – I kept thinking about Good Voice, wishing I were there with HIM, holding his hand instead of trying to think of things to say to the perfectly nice guy sitting across from me.

I wrote earlier that I had planned to still date other guys as a distraction from Good Voice until I get to know him better – but now that just doesn’t feel right. I feel like I’m just using them – and in a sense, I am.

I’m thinking that there has to be other ways to stay level-headed about a guy in these early days of dating, without dating other guys for sport. I’m happy that I have lots of plans with friends in the near future – that’s a good distraction. Work is also keeping me busy these days. And – I’ve been meaning to blog about this, more details to come – I’ve embarked on a new “10 in 10” plan (lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks), which means I’m going to try to spend more time in the gym – another good distraction.

I’m open to any advice! What’s YOUR suggestion for turning down the crazy in the early days of dating someone with potential?

UPDATE: got a response from Fun Bobby that he appreciated my honesty, and that he had sensed that I wasn't fully into this. A few e-mails exchanged after that -- he truly is a very nice guy -- I could see us staying friends.


Samantha said...

Oh man. I wish there was a way to turn down the Crazy when you like a new guy. If you find out a method, PLEASE let me know, lol! Honestly, I think it's more about keeping yourself busy so you aren't waiting by the phone for him to call and that can mean dating other guys, going out with friends, getting involved at work, etc. Very excited for you though!

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

I totally get the whole "turning down the Crazy" thing, but be careful not to confuse Crazy with Excitement. Excitement can be a GOOD thing remember?!

I think we've all been so beaten down by dating (and crappy men) that we forget that we are allowed to get reasonably excited about a new guy. This doesn't mean picking out names for your children in your head but it does mean dreamily thinking about your next date with him, passing up other dates if you feel like it, and just plain enjoying the rare feeling you get when you actually click with someone new.

So if you don't want to date other guys right now- don't (but don't think that means you are "exclusive" of course - now that is Crazy)! Just enjoy this giddy feeling and know that you are taking a little bit of an emotional risk by caring, but that you've bounced back from far bigger hurts before so if this one doesn't work out, you will bounce back yet again.

Have FUN!

bella said...

I agree with the second comment. We so often unhappy about dating, and talk about how all we want is to find someone who makes us happy. Then we do, and we immediately want to find ways to distract ourselves from NOT feeling happy. As if "happy" is a bad sign, a warning light, a threat. We actually WORRY about being happy. We spend WAY more time in the misery of dating, than the excitement. Why? Because we're afraid of HAPPY going away.

But here's a secret: If it goes away, you'll be just fine. You'll be sad for a bit, but goodness knows you'll meet someone else soon enough. You're good like that.

So, enjoy the smiley feelings. Follow your gut. Keep yourself in check. Know that dating in NYC always makes a person inevitably crazy, so instead of fighting it, share the crazy with your friends (therapist, blog). But not the boy.

With the boy, share the smiles.

Trish Ryan said...

I'm not sure it's possible to turn down the crazy when you meet someone you really like. At least not if you have the full range of normal human emotions swirling through your system. It sounds like your instincts are right on, though..maybe dial back on the dating other guys if that feels weird, try to focus on work. Reading fiction from another era helps me...if the language is complicated, your mind can't wander quite so much.

Still though, the excitement won't be ignored for long. Enjoy :)

Single Girl said...

Everyone else has said it all!! Just enjoy the feeling!! It can be scary, but it's a good thing, so soak it in and enjoy it.

mimi of 'sexagenarian and the city' said...

i find it hard to date anyone else when i've met someone i really like. after only one date with the ultimately-but-not-immediately-disastrous Performer, i couldn't date anyone else. turned down a date w. Man1, whom i had liked during our date. and the same situation arose with SDP and Plan C -- only 15 minutes into my date w. Plan C, i found myself thinking,'eat yr heart out, SDP!' -- perhaps an exaggeration of what he i guess i have this symptom to an extreme degree. when someone fated to be LT comes along, i feel it at once and just can't date anyone else. HOWEVER, if you don't feel that way, i certainly don't recommend acting as i did and burning all bridges.

Anonymous said...

I think it was not a very nice thing to do to break up with Fun Bobby via email. Sounds like you were trying to give yourself the easy way out with no explanation and no personal contact. Kinda rude and very self-centered action making him be the one ask why and wonder why which I bet he didn't do, because it would be a very emabarrassing and needy thing to do. I'd think about how you would prefer to be broken up with.....

teresa said...

I'd go date Mr. Good Voice meantime until the magic wears off. You don't have to date anybody else unless you want to.

Anonymous said...

I never could just keep dating random guys when there was I liked in the mix. You, and everyone said it, just keep busy w/work, friends, etc and IF it does not pan out, resume the dating whirlwind. And, lets say you went out w/the contender and there was not someone else in the picture, maybe things would have been different. Does that make sense, not to sound negative, but you burned that bridge, and maybe it would have been something different down the line, hessica

eH-what said...

All of the above with regards to the fun/crazy feelings,--a small note on Fun Bobby,--Anonymous up there can go suck it! You did a great job with Fun Bobby and the fact he thanked you for his honesty goes to show...

I find many of the dating bloggers complain about how badly they get treated at the same time treating others in undesirable ways.

You are a good person for bucking that trend!

Take care :)