Saturday, May 24, 2008

Disappointment

Had another talk with Good Voice last night (and this morning). And THIS time it’s really over. For good.

As I mentioned last time – we had decided we’d see each other casually, and I truly was fine with it. Relieved, even. So why not continue with our plans to go to dinner with a group of my friends?

Dinner was great, though too much heavy food. GV was his usual charming, friendly self with my friends. I had decided earlier I wouldn’t go back to his place, but maybe it was the wine that got the better of my judgment. There was a party in the apartment next door to his place, and we popped in and drank even more wine.

Back at his place, we were about to fall asleep, when I told him about a dream I’d had a few nights earlier, in which he was dating another woman. It never occurred to me to ask earlier (silly, naïve me), but this time I asked him, “were you dating other people when I was out of town?”

And I was shocked by the answer – yes, he had started dating other people. But (he said) he hadn’t slept with anyone, and there was nothing serious happening.

What happened next is a blur – we talked about it for a little bit, and tried to go to sleep. After he fell asleep, I went to the bathroom and started crying out of frustration. I wanted to leave, but people from the party next door were milling about in the hallway, and I couldn’t bear the thought of passing through with my tear-streamed face – passing people I’d just met a few hours earlier. (I know... I shouldn't care about these things, but at that moment, I did)

So I tried to sleep, but between the rich meal that had me running to the bathroom every half hour, and my feeling betrayed… I managed about a total of an hour of sleep, my head spinning with all the things I wanted to ask him.

This morning, he offered to drive me home before he went to pick up his son. I told him we had to talk first – he asked if we could talk in the car, but I said this had to be a proper, sit-down, face-to-face talk.

I unleashed everything that had been in my head all night. I reminded him that I had asked him several times along the way to just be up front and honest with me, including dating other people. I asked him why he had introduced me to his son if he was ambivalent about me, or introduced me to other people as his girlfriend. I told him I felt really hurt, betrayed and disappointed in him... that I felt more hurt now than I would have if he'd told me about his doubts BEFORE he started seeing other people. He was very apologetic, saying he never wanted to hurt me. We said all there was to say.

Anyway... it's all moot. Just a few days ago, I really WAS relieved that it was over with him, as it wasn’t going anywhere anyway, and I was trying to generate stronger feelings for him than I actually felt. Maybe I’m upset about this because I’m sleep deprived, or suffering from PMS – and that’s magnifying this feeling of being rejected.

I think it’s just indicative of the big picture -- I'm just frustrated with the whole dating machine. It really, really sucks.

**********
More to write about … later:
· The other night with Flirt (note: *after* GV and I had had “the talk”)
· Meeting Mimi – finally!
· Date tonight – seems like a nice enough guy, but the way I feel now, I’m wondering if I should cancel. Or… maybe the way I feel now is the reason WHY I should go out with this new guy, and have the best time possible.

ps...
A big THANK YOU to all my wonderful friends who have (already!) been giving me heaps of support and party invitations! Much appreciated!!! I love you all!

UPDATE: I *may* have caught GV in a lie: ever since we started dating, I suspected he may have been lying about his age. IF the two different search websites I just checked (thanks, Mimi!) are indeed correct, his actual age is 51, not 47, as he first told me. It's only four years... but it sets the tone that it's OK to lie. Creepy asshole.

4 comments:

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Well, your tag "I am so fucking sick of dating" pretty much sums it up. You are frustrated. Understandably so. Wouldn't it be nice if he played by the rules you so clearly set up beforehand?! Argh. Sorry. If I were you I'd take a little break and immerse yourself with people you trust for a little bit just to get your bearings back. But that's just me. Either way, get some sleep and can't wait to hear about your face-to-face with Mimi! I'm jealous. I have to come to NYC soon so we can all meet!
DT

Loverville said...

Hey DT -- as always, thanks for your insight!

And yes -- I thought about canceling tonight's date -- but felt it would be bad form to cancel on the same day. And (this is silly) -- but in my head, it's my way of giving a bit of an "F you" to GV.

Wouldn't THAT be a great success story, if tonight's guy turned out to be amazing? :-)

More to come on Mimi, soon, I promise! As you can imagine, she's way cool!

Anonymous said...

i gave up on the whole online dating machine thing a few years ago. i couldn't imagine it would work for me and the constant disappointment was taking a psychic toll. the minuscule chance that i might meet someone was so small compared to the distress i was putting myself through. so i completely understand your frustration.

think of yourself, not of him! he wasn't someone YOU felt was a long-term prospect. he was not the right guy for YOU. i know it stings to have him be such a jerk by dating others, but ultimately it's better to have him out of your life so you are free for someone who is the right guy.

The City Gal said...

OMG! So so sorry to hear that.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been here. Exactly there.

I think you are stonger than me, because I got messed up forever! I now think everyone is lying and dating other people when they are with me.