Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Surely, abducted by aliens

Any guys out there – question for you. And women, of course I’d love your insight on this as well.

Background: Great Smile and I had what seemed to be a really nice, six-hour date last weekend. Fun, flowing conversation. Some very nice kisses.

A few days passed. No word from him. I decided to throw caution to the wind, sent a light, breezy e-mail, including some information he’d asked for on the date.

More days pass. Still nothing. Part of me got a bit worried – maybe something happened to him, run over by a garbage truck, perhaps? Well – unless someone else is logging onto J-date for him, he seems to be alive and well, considering he logged on today.

I get it. After only two dates, he certainly doesn’t “owe” me an explanation. And yet – how do you go from e-mailing almost every day for two weeks to NOTHING?

Common courtesy? Not so common, apparently, in the wonderful world of dating.

Sigh. Guys. I wrote this to CJ earlier today:
This "dropping of the face of the earth" thing -- I can understand if the guy is in his 20s. But this one is in his late 30s -- he should know better. Dillhole.

Her hilarious response:
I think dropping off the face of the earth knows no age. Only knows penis.

[DISCLAIMER: I’m certainly not putting ALL guys in that category – and yes, I know women can be flaky as well.]

Moving on! Currently in talks with some decent-sounding new J-guys. It remains to be seen if any of them push my buttons. Somehow, I remain optimistic.

In a "why not" moment, I e-mailed Great Smile this morning -- asked if he'd want to get a drink next week, to "let me know either way".

He wrote back shortly after... apologized for not being in touch, and that while he had a nice time last weekend he's not "feeling the love, and doesn't want to waste anyone's time".

I wrote back simply, "thanks for the update, wish you the very best". Of course, what I really wanted to know was, WHY bother kissing me til 1 am if you're not "feeling the love"??! (unless of course, he thought he was going to get more than just a few kisses)

Anyway! Right now I have too many potential J-guys on my platter... I'm starting to forget what I've told to whom. Must take better notes.


bella said...

i am seriously impressed with your jdate skills. HOW do you find SO many men on there to date? Even if that many men were asking me out through there, i don't even think i'd want to go out with 98% of them! Tell us, what is your technique? :-)

Regarding your issue, I agree that after two dates he doesn't OWE you an explanation, but you certainly DESERVE one. Or at least, an acknowledgment of your experience together. There are ways to not pursue someone without actually dropping off the face of the earth. It's just the right thing to do, and the right way to treat someone. Sorry for his inadequateness.

You clearly have a remarkable ability to bounce back and jump back in there. Another technique I'm curious about!

midnite99 said...

Argh. How frustrating! As Bella said, I totally commend you for your awesome, upbeat attitude. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I think guys do online dating to NOT find someone. If they wanted to find someone, they would do so in the real world.

Actually, to be fair, I think they feel enormous pressure so that if they continue asking for dates, they fear they will get your hopes up and you will be ready to book the chapel and order the cake. I have actually heard guys say that they need to dump the girl before she gets too attached. And the way to let her know this is to make like a tree and leave.

Remember, guys don't like "talking about it," so it is easier for them to avoid doing so.

This doesn't excuse him for being a jerk -- just explains maybe a little.

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Yes, avoidance is the tool of male dater. And the longer they remain single, the worse they get at it. If you recall, I wrote a post called "The Invisible Man" about this very thing. No matter how much sense we are able to make out of their behavior though, it still sucks. Sorry. Next!....

walt said...

Oddly, the fact that he disappeared after two dates probably indicates that he IS looking for a long term connection. Here's my seemingly backward logic - generally, if a guy is looking for "only one thing", he won't disappear until he has secured it. My read of this situation is that that did not occur yet, but he disappeared anyway. When a guy disappears before he "gets anything", I think it means he has decided that the girl is not a relationship candidate for him, and the easiest thing to do is just walk away without a word. Rude? Absolutely. I would never do it, but this is how a lot of guys behave. Unfortunately, online dating breeds this kind of behavior, because you have no connection in the real world to the person you are dating. I'm currently seeing someone I met through a friend, and am aware that I need to treat her right, even if things don't work out, because I don't want to create a rift with my friend. So, the lesson is, if you hate this kind of "ghosting" behavior, pump your friends for introductions instead of dating online.

mimi of 'sexagenarian and the city' said...

i guess dt and walt make sense of this disappearing-behavior, and walt speaks, i infer, from the male POV. still and all, it's really irritating. all you can do -- all anyone can do -- is be braced for it to happen. but it's still frustrating. very sorry about that. on to the next -- and the next...try not to waste any more time thinking about him. hey, at least you didn't get strep from him.
- m.

Anonymous said...

There is a psychological thing called the mum effect, which is the tendency to keep mum when delivering "undesirable messages."

It places an emotional stress on the conveyor of such a message.

Here is an experiment about it:

Loverville said...

Bella: as far as finding enough suitable guys? It comes and goes. Often, I'll give a guy a chance and go on a first date even if I think we might only "maybe" click -- and well, usually (in that case) we don't.

As far as bouncing back? You learn not to take these things personally after a while. Generally. I definitely have my moments of frustration!

Midnight: thanks! As I'm sure you know, you have to laugh at these situations sometimes.

Anon: hard to say -- sure, some guys are just using online dating hoping to get a quick, easy lay. But I have some guy friends who really do want something serious, and online dating is just another option.

DT: I'll have to go back to that post -- thanks!

Walt: trust me, I'd much rather meet a guy through my friends, as I did in my 20s. But now, in my 30s? They just don't have as many single guy friends -- especially ones I'd like. But I'm certainly open to that.

Also -- see update -- no idea if GS was looking for something long term, but it's clear that he just doesn't want it with ME. And I'm fine with that. Just have the balls to say so! (as he finally did when I called him on it)

Mimi: indeed!

Anon: thanks, I'll check out that link.

Anonymous said...

hmmm.....your comment about having the balls to say so got me to thinking.

i think there is a whole new (or not so new) kind of etiquette- rules that govern online dating. kind of like everyone knows what "i'll call you" means.

because there is no context and no common friends, as walt said, and because you are meeting strictly to see if you will become a romantic couple, the next step is very black-and-white. you either continue down the romantic path or you stop dead in your tracks. you can't "get to know each other" naturally.

so the rules, i think, include this one -- if someone just vanishes, their message is clear. it's not that his phone fell in a puddle or he got busy at work. he's just not that into you. and he conveys that message not by having balls and letting you know, but by disappearing into silence.

i can actually forgive the kissing, because i have necked with boys i didn't know well and had little reason to think i would see again, and didn't much want to. i once kissed a date and he was such a lousy kisser that it confirmed i didn't want to see him again! so i don't think kissing is an indication of anything on his part.

i want so bad for things to work out well for you.


walt said...

Totally agree with JAC on both her points. I'm guessing you've probably had the experience of going out with someone and having a good time, maybe even some kissing, but then deciding he's not the right long-term connection for you when you have a chance to think about things afterward. I know I've had that experience - maybe a lack of common interests or a different lifestyle convinces you when you have a chance to think about it that it would never work, so why continue? So, none of this is really surprising, but the good news is that you took the bull by the horns and demanded a response, so that you could move on. Some would say that the woman should never make contact, but why set yourself up to be left wondering?

*Juliette* said...

I have just gotten back into online dating, and I take inspiration from your dating skills and your ability to "give a guy a chance". It occurs to me that maybe it's because we give men so many chances in the beginning that we feel we deserve an explanation from them at the end. Thanks for some enjoyable and encouraging reading!

jess said...

I do think that there is a difference between a man in his late 30's vs a younger one. Although he did not "owe" you a call it would have been nice. At least you persisted enough to get something from him. It is better just to know.

That being said, when I was dating, I was horrible. If I went out with a guy a couple of times (usually not more than twice) and did not want to go out again, I just did not answer the phone (this was pre texting, jdate, etc.) Looking back, I was just a total wimp.
You should have a jdate clinic. I agree with everyone, your skills/technique is amazing. fantasitic.

bella said...

Juliette said: "It occurs to me that maybe it's because we give men so many chances in the beginning that we feel we deserve an explanation from them at the end."

I thought that was so funny and true. Here's a script men should use from now on:

"I just wanted to thank you for overlooking my inadequacies and shortcomings. I realize I in no way measure up to the type of man you deserve, but I appreciate how you gave me a chance under the guise of "openmindedness" and "youneverknowishness". I also recognize that you were never really that into me, but that you chose to look on the "bright side" and "think positive" even when I dropped hints regarding my commitment issues while we were making out. Thank you for "being cool with" my pot habit, my bad jokes, and my narcissism, in general. Much appreciated. However, I will not be able to continue dating you due to recent statistics proclaiming there are 10 women to every guy in NYC right now. Woo hoo! Score!"

Loverville said...

Bella, that's hilarious! I should print that out and give it to guys who fall into that category.

Jess, thanks for thinking that my skills and technique are amazing... but alas, I haven't dated anyone longer than ~4 months in the past 3½ years! So I must be doing *something* wrong.

Anonymous said...

Seriously lol I had no such luck with Jdate. I would also like to know your techniques. I did find lots of success with an online website called Great Expectations. They also do background checks, which really eliminates the creep factor. Good luck!