Wednesday, July 16, 2008

FWB

Summer is just flying by! It’s my favorite season, and there’s so much going on – someone is always organizing a picnic in Central Park to watch the Philharmonic, or there’s a film playing under the stars on a pier, or a happy hour, or bike rides… it’s been a wonderful, social time.

No new guys to report – you’d think that I’d meet some at some of these events, but that just hasn’t happened yet. But there has been a bit, well, “recycling” of late:

Teen Crush:
Last time I wrote that we’d made plans to meet up next time he came to town. And so we did.

I got to the restaurant early to freshen up a bit, and to get a sip or two of wine in me to calm my nerves. No need to worry – the second he walked in, I immediately felt comfortable – and also very relieved. I’d been worried that I’d feel a sense of longing once I saw him, but it wasn’t like that at all. It was more like… oh, that’s it? He still looked attractive, but not quite as much as I seemed to remember. He was still smart and interesting and charming – but not in a way that made my heart a-flutter.

We lingered over drinks for a while, then had a leisurely dinner. Conversation was easy-going – no real talk about “us”. He walked me home. Somehow, we wound up kissing... just a bit.

It was just a nice, casual evening. We e-mailed a few times in the days following, and he left town again. I’m sure we’ll stay friends, but that’s it. Any mystique of what “could have been” just wasn’t there. It is as it should be.

Good Hair Guy:
I met GHG about 2½ years ago though Match – he was clear from the start that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, as he was just out of a relationship. (more info here) A few times since then, we’ve had flings here and there – a fun, casual “friends with benefits” situation.

I enjoy his company – he’s funny, smart and interesting, and yes, cute. Then there’s that fabulous, thick head of hair – I just love running my fingers through it.

We’re currently taking a class together once a week. After the first class, we went to dinner and he walked me home – and we kissed at my door. We had a good laugh about it, mentioning that that was the first time that had happened in a long time – the past few times we hung out were purely platonic. Maybe because it’s summer now, and there’s strappy dresses, and tan bodies…?

After the second class the following week, we once again went out to dinner – a bit more wine was consumed. There was some kissing… and more. Again, just all in good fun.

I’m in two minds about this. On one hand, I’m just enjoying being single and having fun and being flirty. On the other hand – yes, I do want someone to love, who will love me right back. Will this type of flirty behavior be an obstacle to finding a serious relationship?

I read recently that if you want to attract something into your life, make sure your actions don’t contradict your desires. Even my shrink has warned me about this – why spend an evening with a guy with whom there’s no future, when I could be meeting someone with potential? Saying that… I’m not exactly spending all my time with guys like GHG or TC. Currently playing phone tag and exchanging e-mails with a few J-guys, but no dates lined up right now.

It’s a tough call – wanting to live in the moment, versus thinking long-term. To be continued – would love your thoughts in the meantime.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

"If you want to attract something into your life, make sure your actions don’t contradict your desires." I'm a firm believer in that--at the same time, it's hard not to have fun once in awhile!

Anecdotally, though, a couple of years ago I was in a fwb situation (with a great, ooh la la guy--chef and sommelier and generous with both fabulous meals and wine) but I ended it exactly because of your quote above. I wanted more and, for me at least, I couldn't spin my wheels with Chef Guy while I waited for Mr. Right to magically appear.

I guess we just have to find out what we want and go for it. And sometimes an fwb is exactly what we want! --a&v

midnite99 said...

I think it's all about trusting your instincts. If you're having fun with it and not holding yourself back from trying to meet someone "real," then enjoy! But if you find yourself wanting more from an FWB (or from someone else), then it's probably time to move on. I'm glad you're enjoying the summer!

maggie said...

"If you want to attract something into your life, make sure your actions don’t contradict your desires." I don't believe in this at all. I was having fun and dating several different people (especially one that was wrong for me), and my "Mr. Right" came waltzing through the door about a year ago and we haven't looked back. My best friend was heavily embroiled in a dramatic and angsty FWB-type situation and met another guy who she just started out as friends with (and told him a LOT about said angsty situation), woke up one day and realized she was in love with him and had a good thing going, and now they have been married four years and have a 16-month old daughter.

For people who need drama (and you seem to be one of those people, no offense), it's not as simple as deciding to be loved. It just happens, so don't sweat it, and have fun till it comes along.

Girl Friday said...

I have stumbled across your blog and if I may be so bold, have some thoughts on your dilema. While I agree as well with the "begin as you intend to carry on" way of thinking, I agree more with midnite99 that you must trust your instincts.

I met the person who I am most certain I will end up with while dating several people and really enjoying being single. We began and ended rather abruptly as he wasn't ready for what he knew we would have. When he was ready(about 6 months later) he came back and we are now talking marriage and kids after about 8 months. Well, 1 year and 5 months since first meeting, but whose counting ;)

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

First of all, I don't agree with Maggie that you seem to be one of those people addicted to drama. Assuming you are being forthright here, you are enjoying the moment while still leaving yourself open to what you seek in the long run. Now, if you found yourself having to decide between a blind date with a guy who might have potential to be the one and an old FWB, and you pick the FWB...then I see your shrink's point. But it doesn't sound like that's what's happening. Live in the moment and keep your eye on the future. And I'm jealous of your wonderful summer. Sigh.

maggie said...

To clarify, I didn't mean any negative connotation in the "addicted to drama" comment. Just that some people want more activity and flurry surrounding them, and some are content with the first nice person that happens along. Neither is quantifiably "better" than the other - it's just a different way of going about life.

ALM said...

Personally - I ended up marrying my (ex) husband -- and just went out with him to enjoy a summer. I remember saying to my friend: "But he's not Jewish, seven years younger, from another country!" and she said "Ahhh, just relax, have fun, enjoy the summer!"

I guess what I'm saying is: you never know what's going to happen.... and I don't regret it at all.

Loverville said...

Maggie, thanks for the clarification, but no offense was taken anyway. I DO generally like to keep a flurry of excitement going -- and I think drama is OK as long as it's *good* drama!

Cara said...

I vote: live in the moment.

Long term will take care of itself.

:-)

Cara