Friday, October 3, 2008

Guys and their patterns

It seems this pattern has been playing over and over – not just for me, but for friends as well:
1. Cool, great guy comes on strong – very flattering, very attentive.
2. Girl tries to keep a level head – but, well, after dating so many crappy guys, the attention is seductive.
3. Things seem absolutely fantastic for a little while – girl thinks, wow, I don’t even want to date anyone else right now!
4. Guy retreats. Sometimes disappears altogether. Girl is left thinking – WTF?

This isn't exactly what’s happening with New Guy… but we’re somewhere in the early moments of Phase Four. His sweet, lovely e-mails from the beginning, filled with excitement about when he can see me again? Now – not so much. Much less frequent – not nearly as flirty.

To be honest – I just realized: THIS is how it really should be. This early on, after a few weeks knowing a person, you really don’t need to talk or e-mail every day – and really, should you be gushing over the other person when you barely know them?

And yet, even with this knowledge – why does it feel like a bit of a downer? (answer: because I’ve received a wake-up call, but I kind of enjoyed the fantasy…)

So – with that knowledge – I’m happy I never cut ties with Super Cutie. We just made plans to get together sometime next week. And there’s another J-guy I need to write back to.

And New Guy? Well – he’s going out of town this weekend, but said he’d be reachable by cell, and that he’d be in touch. Not sure when I’m going to see him again – I HATE not having those plans in place, but am learning to exhale and deal with it.

In the meantime… other plans are being made, and, well – we’ll see where I can fit New Guy in.


Anonymous said...

You might check out the great book from Judith Sills, "A Fine Romance," which is about the stages of courtship.

There is the initial pursuit and then the "switch," when there is a noticeable retreat. This is definitely part of a pattern. Her advice for women in this situation is to totally back off. The book is extremely insightful and helpful.

Anonymous said...

damn the patterns! what is it already? and i'm sure j. sills didn't say anything you can't find in As You Like It or Twelfth Night.
Shakespeare knew all about that. But he only had 5 acts to resolve the romance...and we have a lifetime. All i can say is, detach yrself emotionally as much as possible, keep Very Busy, and date as many other guys as possible. xxoxox from mimi in london [where no romance looms on the horizon but it's fun to be somewhere new]

Anonymous said...

Your post makes me wonder if you slept with him and was it then that his behavior got cooler.
The reason I wonder besides the obvious is recently an old boyfriend contacted me to "try again". Made some promises like I want more, said he missed me, thought we had great chemistry and lots in common, etc., etc., but when I pressed, and made it clear that if we slept with each other again that it would have to be exclusive after a few weeks, he made it very clear that he was only looking for an easy hookup. Of course, he didn't say that, but he was noticeably cooler in behavior and in emails and then disappeared. Although now during some moments, I'm ticked off that he put me through that dance, I'm also very happy I didn't believe his compliments, waited to make sure of his intentions and made my position clear.
So that's my story and I hope everything works out for you.

Anonymous said...

Your analysis of the pattern that leads to disappointment is good, but what does a good pattern look like? How does the guy who has true promise approach things at the beginning? That's what you really need to figure out, right?

Anonymous said...

I really loved the way you summed up the stages. I can only comment at this point on the long term relationship and yes it does change of course too. I think my guy is more attentive and complimentary than other guys from what I hear but it seems to be similar in the early relationship phases as well.

It's good you are aware of this. Hang in there with him, but keep those other doors open. Maybe he needs a little room to get used to his feelings about you. I think taking it slow is best.

Mo: )

Anonymous said...

The only thing I can say is that when it is right, there should not be a major drop off in communication. Maybe not as gushy as before, but still, things should progress, not slow down. You are smart to view this as a red flag... but you never know. I hope things work out for the best, Jess

jgo said...

Man, you and CJ have been having shit luck lately. Sucks. Me too.

Anonymous said...

Great post, wrote the below comments on Bonny Albo's post on about your site:

The Loverville post evokes some interesting thoughts for me. I have pretty always acted the same irregardless of who I am seeing. Whereas alot of my guy friends tend to get 'head over heels' quickly depending on the girl. I am not aloof, far from it, I am very affectionate and reasonably attentive :) I do notice 2 things happens as the relationship progresses, especially after we consummate. 1. The frequency of contact they expect becomes higher and higher. Which is fine if I really like the person. But can quickly become annoying. 2. The person can become very insecure and needy when before they were quite confident. I think this is a function of them becoming more vulnerable to my opinion once we have slept together. I think for a lot of desirable guys this becomes a turnoff and with other options we walk away rather than deal with it. Cruel but reality...Click on my name for my blog about dating.

Anonymous said...

Wow does that pattern sound familiar to me. None of my friends have this pattern going on for them and I have no idea what I do differently. Sucks, but glad I'm not the only one.