Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Date #150: Claudius Interruptus

A wise person once told me: the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Ok -- I'm not rushing to get "under" anyone (or on top of him, etc) in the immediate future. But when I sensed that things were beginning to go downhill with Smiley this past weekend, I went into my Jdate archives and re-emailed a few guys with whom I'd previously lost contact.

One was Claudius -- name explanation will soon become apparent. His emails were funny and pleasant, and he was nice and smiley in the pics -- but in person, on tonight's date? I was considering blog-naming him Dour Dan, but I think Claudius Interruptus is more appropriate. I couldn't tell a fricking story without him interrupting me with his story. eg, he told me all about his marathon running, then asked if I'd ever run a marathon. I said I did a skate marathon, and before I could continue, he jumped in: "oh, I do roller hockey at Chelsea Piers, it's really different than ice hockey, blah blah blah".

And .. the Dour Dan name came from his negative take on just about everything: the false patriotism in this country since 9/11, he won't go to China because he heard they eat cats there, etc. "How can I go someplace that eats kittens?" I said they probably focus more on full-grown cats -- more meat. I don't think he found that very amusing.

Onward!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Gray clouds, coming and going and coming

Let me start this on a sunny note: the fabulous Mimi invited me to her place for a lovely Christmas Day brunch (my family does a very casual Jewish Christmas Eve get-together -- ie, we just sit around and eat all day). I not only met her mom and a few friends -- I met the famous Funny Guy! He IS funny -- and charming and smart, as you might expect. They look so happy together, and I'm thrilled for them.

I wrote this on Saturday:
Thanks again for your words of support re: the situation with New Guy. Deep down, I still don’t think he’s a bad guy – but at this point, it feels rather pointless to try to continue a friendship with him. If I have even an inkling of feelings for him (which I guess I do, considering my reaction to the news about his girlfriend having their baby) – then I can only imagine how awful it would be to eventually MEET this girlfriend (and baby, in the future).

It’s as if a strong wind came along and blew away that dark cloud I was under – thankfully, it only lasted about 24 hours (and was exacerbated from the lousy night of sleep I had that night). I’m pretty much fine now – the funk has lifted. Life goes on!

In other news (also written on Saturday):

I have a feeling Smiley will soon be history. (hm, yet another one-month “relationship”, following Capt Awesome). I knew more or less from the start that he wasn’t looking for anything serious (he’s currently unemployed and considering a career transition, and needs to focus on himself right now). For a little while, I figured, we’re having such a good time, so it’s OK – a part of me was thinking, in a few months’ time he’ll have a job, and we’ll have grown closer, and all will be fabulous. We were spending so much time together that it certainly felt like the makings of a relationship.

But now – the little signs that he’s just not for me are adding up, and I’m finally paying attention to them. He can be very sweet and lovely – but he can also go on these 15-minute soliloquies, talking about whatever subject interests him at the moment (a certain type of music or the intricasies of brewing beer), without gauging MY interest. I do listen, and try to give input – but sometimes it’s just a bit much, a bit self-absorbed. I didn’t mind at first, but the fact that I DO now is quite telling. Just one example.

Even more telling: I’ve noticed that he seems a bit less into “us” than on previous dates. The last time or two I saw him (we had dinner a few nights ago), he didn’t seem as affectionate as in the past. I haven’t decided yet if we should have “the talk”, or if this will die of natural causes. Will feel it out.

Seeing Quentin again tonight – and even more exciting, I’m meeting his dog! I have a serious case of dog envy, as I can’t have one in my apartment. I’m sure I’ll absolutely adore his pooch, which will surely only garner points for me.

Today's update:
I did have the talk with Smiley after all -- you know when something is just building up inside you, and you just have to get it out? Yes -- that.

I don't have the energy to go into details right now, but to sum it up: same issue as from the start -- I want something serious, and he doesn't. There was more to it -- it was a very sweet, open, honest talk -- why do these talks usually seem to come at the end? Seriously.

We were at his place, and he asked if I'd like to spend one last night together -- I did. I'm having trouble putting this into words (maybe because I'm crying... again!), but it might have been the most romantic, warmest, most affectionate time we've had together. Saying goodbye this morning was quite bittersweet. We talked about maybe hanging out every so often, and he said he'd follow my lead -- but that might be tough, emotionally. We'll see.

Oh, how cliched, not appreciating something til it's gone! Or -- maybe it's just wanting what you can't have? Or both? I think I'm extra-emotional right now from not sleeping well, combined with a hefty dose of PMS -- what a lethal combination! AND combined with overall dating frustration / fatigue -- oy!

Then there's Quentin -- we had another date over the weekend. I met the dog, who was sweet as anything. But later, kissing Quentin, I realized -- we don't have very good kissing chemistry. Can't explain it... and I felt terrible, as I couldn't help but think of the wonderful chemistry I have (had) with Smiley. Anyway, it's not a deal-breaker. These things can sometimes work themselves out. Not sure if / when I'll see him again.

It's been a rough week. 2010 can only be better!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

OMFG.

A few weeks ago, I wrote this:

Blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...


New Guy and I wound up canceling those plans that night -- we were both exhausted from work -- and rescheduled for tonight. Being the wonderful, thoughtful person he is, he brought a belated birthday present for me. We had our usual, easy, fun banter about everything and nothing.

Until seemingly, out of nowhere, he mentioned that he had moved out of his place. Then came the news that he had moved in with his girlfriend (when I last saw him in June, he still wasn't quite ready for a "serious" relationship with her, even though he felt that he couldn't date anyone else).

Then -- the really big news -- they're expecting a baby together. It wasn't planned, but at the same time, he's excited about it. And this has made him really want to work on a healthy relationship with her, so they can be the best parents they can be for this baby.

I was rendered speechless. I told him I was very happy for him, gave my congratulations, and all that. I then walked home in a stupor. The second I walked through my door, the dramatic, heaving sobs began, and I went through a big pile of tissues.

One good thing, I guess (because it's all about "me", right?) -- at least now I can really, truly, officially close that door. I mean... it's actually been closed for a while. But now it's sealed firmly shut. I'm sure another will open... soon, I hope.

****
Smiley is still in the picture, still moving along as we were: seeing quite a bit of each other, but moving at a reasonable pace. Slow and steady. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, but am SO happy I already have the day planned with a friend first -- it would have been tough to go straight to a date with him without having a chance to properly rehash this news about New Guy first.

Then there's Quentin -- we had that second date last week (and a first kiss). Another date is set for this weekend.

****

Ok -- I just have to admit to myself that it's OK to be sad about New Guy. It's hard to describe here, but he's just one of the most amazing, remarkable, smartest, sweetest, most considerate guys I've ever met. Maybe I've inflated him in my mind because of his unattainability -- who knows.

I think a big part of my sadness is, in fact, frustration: I just want to meet someone fabulous, who also thinks I'm fabulous. It's just taking way too long.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Smiley, Quentin and Flirt

When I last wrote, I mentioned that I'd been out twice with someone as-yet-unnamed. I'm at a loss for a really creative blog name for him, so let's just call him Smiley. It's appropriate - he has a lovely smile that he flashes often. Suffice to say, I like this guy. He's smart and thoughtful, and we just seem to fit well together.

In the past three weeks, we've hung out quite a lot. We've been to parties together, we've cooked, we've become Facebook friends, we've smooched, etc. It was starting to feel a bit relationship-y, but I had to keep reminding myself: it's only been a few weeks. Seven (or eight?) dates does not a boyfriend make.

To try to keep the crazy at a manageable level, I thought it best to still see other guys. I had a date with a guy I'll call Quentin (#149) - he bears a strong resemblance to Tarantino (just a little better-looking). I was very much in a "Smiley" mindset when I met him, and while I thought he was a cool guy, I didn't exactly emit strong liking vibes his way. Regardless, he emailed the next day that he'd had a nice time, and we should hang out again soon.

I know myself -- I tend to get a bit too emotionally invested in a new guy too soon. I'm mindful of that, and have been doing my best to keep that in check with Smiley. With that in mind, I wrote back to Quentin: yes, let's plan another date soon. (second date is planned for later this week). However, I felt that I was just going through the motions, that this was something I "should" do, rather than something I was excited about doing.

And well -- I'm glad that my brain took the lead for once, rather than my heart. Smiley and I had a talk a few days ago (we'd had quite a bit of wine, so the details are fuzzy) -- it wasn't set up as "the talk", but we did cover some important ground: namely, that since he's in between jobs right now, he feels that he needs to get his life in order before he can really think about a relationship.

I'd had a feeling this might be the case, having been in similar situations before (see: Teen Crush, two years ago -- and there have been others). It's actually kind of a relief to know where we stand -- I feel that I can go on other dates with a clear conscience now. Before the talk, I had felt, by default, that we were on a relationship track – now, this actually makes me take a step back and assume nothing – just enjoy moment by moment. (which I should have been doing anyway... )

****

That could also be the reason I found myself kissing Flirt last night. I met Flirt through a mutual friend a few years ago, and while we sometimes wind up kissing in the corner of a party, we've never actually "dated".

We discovered through Facebook that we were both taking part in yesterday's SantaCon madness, and by coincidence, found ourselves in the same part of town at the same time. Our groups merged, and we spent the rest of the day (and evening) bar-hopping together. I can't remember when we started kissing -- it just seemed to happen.

Many hours (and drinks) later, my friend Red said she simply couldn't understand why Flirt and I aren't a couple: we're both great people, with similar interests, etc. For one, he's currently living in California -- so there's that. I guess I just never thought of him "that" way. Maybe it was the booze talking, but he and I decided that if / when he moves back to NY, if we're both available, we should give this a shot.

***

Last time I wrote that it seemed the mutual fade-away was happening with Capt Awesome, aka Ralph Furley. I finally decided: we'd been dating for a month -- I DID want some acknowledgment of "us" being no more. I emailed him that it seemed we were on the same page -- that we'd had a nice time, but sometimes these things just don't work out, but I thought he was a lovely person. He wrote back a similar message. I felt satisfied to have that closure.

Happy Hanukkah!

Monday, November 30, 2009

In like with like?

After a few weeks of mentally wanting to give Capt Awesome a chance, I finally had to admit to myself: I'm just not that into him. The attraction just isn't there. It doesn't help that he sometimes makes a facial expression that evokes Don Knotts -- aka, Ralph Furley from "Three's Company":



We haven't seen each other in nearly a week, and aside from a "Happy Thanksgiving" text, haven't been in touch. I thought about how I felt during our brief "honeymoon" period: I liked the attention he lavished on me, and how thoughtfully he planned our dates. But did I like him? I wasn't sure. I had a hunch that I was just enjoying the feeling of maybe liking someone, rather than liking the actual person. Does that make sense?

Now -- it seems like we may be having the mutual fade-away. I feel like maybe we'll have "the talk" soonish -- or maybe not? I'm actually fine with it either way. I generally prefer the "closure" of the talk, but if another week or so goes by with no communication -- well, there's the answer.

In the meantime: I've had two dates with someone new. It's too soon to say I'm feeling giddy about him, but he does make me smile. We have another date planned for this week -- maybe I'll have a blog name for him after that. A nice touch: we met on Jdate, but it turned out that we already knew some people in common -- he went to high school with one of my very good friends.

And -- blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Over the course of a week...

Someone recently commented on here that I tend to get giddy quickly over guys I like. That's true -- if I meet someone with whom I sense a good connection, I like to focus on that person, and find it hard to get to know other guys while learning about the recipient of my giddiness.

And yet -- I also realize that the giddiness may be fleeting -- but I still like to enjoy that good feeling while it lasts. Better to have felt giddiness temporarily, than never to feel giddiness at all, to paraphrase Tennyson.

Saying that, the update on Capt Awesome: it seems that mutually, the giddiness seems to have waned somewhat. There was that one week where we were emailing and texting just about every day -- this week, not so much. We saw each other one night this week -- it continues to feel easy and comfortable. But when a friend asked if I was excited about him, I had to admit to myself: I wasn't, really. Can't explain why.

I'll continue to date him, and see if anything develops. In the meantime, Smooch and I have been exchanging messages, trying to make plans to get together. I've been exchanging emails with a new guy on Jdate. All very "wait and see" right now, and I'm just fine with that.

Last time I mentioned that Capt Awesome had taken down his Jdate profile. This week, it was back up. And that's OK too.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

And in the lead...

Things are feeling really good with Capt Awesome -- "really good", as in, I think I'm not going to date anyone else at the moment. I just can't get to know other guys when I really want to get to know just one guy in particular.

This was pretty evident on my date with Smooch the other night. I warned him earlier in the day that I was getting over a cold -- this was somewhat true (I seem to have had a mild cold for the past few weeks) -- but I mainly wanted to establish that this would be a relatively nookie-free night. (note: not sure what YOUR definition is of "nookie" -- in this case, I'm just referring to kissing)

I'm sure he sensed something was different -- it just wasn't as comfortable and easy as it had been on our two previous dates. Who knows - things might have been different if we had carried on dating consistently after our first date in the end of August. But it just is how it is. So.

Capt Awesome and I have been emailing and texting every day. We have a fabulous, long date planned for tomorrow... and he has already invited me to a party next week.

AND... I did a bit of cybersnooping, and discovered two things:
1. he took down his Jdate profile -- wow!
2. we're not Facebook friends, but he has no privacy settings up, which means I can read his wall, check out his pics, etc even though we're not FB "friends". In one status update, he wrote that he was having a particularly good week -- when a friend inquired about that, he responded that work was going well and he'd "met a new girl".

I'm just feeling giddy and smiley about him right now. And if I hear from Smooch again? I'm not sure. Do I tell him that I've met someone? (perhaps a bit premature) Or do I tell him that work / life is too busy right now, and maybe we can touch base in a few weeks? Hm. Will cross that bridge when I get to it. (interesting sidenote: it just happens that Smooch wrote to one of my friends on Jdate this week -- of course, he has no idea that she's my friend. Coincidence.)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Brace yourself

In rough chronological order -- updates on the dates from the past few weeks. (I DID manage to have a social life in between episodes of "Mad Men"!)

Mr Cool: To recap: we'd had a great first date, with some back and forth followup, before he disappeared. I was disappointed, but quickly got over it -- I simply resigned myself to the fact that this sort of thing happens all the time.

Well -- surprise, surprise -- two weeks after I last wrote to him, he wrote back: he was very sorry that he'd lost touch. He had moved out of his place, and it turned out to be quite taxing. He's currently working in Another Country for a month or two, and wasn't sure when he could see me again -- "probably not til next year". He said he'd had a wonderful night with me, but it was a shame we met at such a crazy time in his life, and could we please stay in touch?

I took my time in writing back -- sure, let's stay in touch. Meanwhile, I still think it's rather lame -- if you like someone, you CAN find the 30 seconds to respond to their text message. Not giving him any further thought at the moment, but if / when he comes back, depending on what's going on in my life, I'd maybe -- MAYBE -- see him again.

Smooch: we have our third date tomorrow night. We're averaging one date per month (he was just out of the country the past few weeks, but did a pretty good job at staying in touch). I think it may have a bit of a "first date" feel, it's been that long... but there's also someone else on my mind at the moment... that would be:

Captain Awesome: (date #142) We've been out four times now -- he's a great guy. So why is there some part of me that's holding back? Details to come soon -- but first, the other dates that didn't progress further...

Date #143: Tom -- not his real name, he just looked like a "Tom" to me. Took me to a jazz show on our first and only date -- quite generous of him. Perfectly nice guy, just no spark on either end. He wrote a followup email saying as much a week later.

Date #144: Elvis (as in, Costello - not Presley) Smart, quirky guy -- just lacking a certain sophistication. It's hard to describe this without sounding elitist, so I'll just leave it at that. Saying that -- for some reason I felt that he's someone I could have as a friend. We'll see if that happens.

Date #145: the Sourpuss. I think he cracked half a smile in our 90 minutes spent together. Reminder to self: ALWAYS talk on the phone first to get a pulse on the guy before a date! (we kept missing each other, and the date was arranged via email and text)

Date #146: Kojak. A rare NON-internet date -- we met at a party, where we shared many mutual friends. We had our second (and last) date tonight, watching the World Series in a bar. I was excited about him at first because it was a nice change to have met someone where there was actually a personal connection -- but it just wasn't enough. Nice guy, a true gentleman, but the vibe just wasn't there.

Date #147: Opie. New to NY, his "gee, whiz", wide-eyed personality just didn't do it for me. Actually, it was quite painful for this cynical New Yorker -- the words "fucking agony" keep appearing in my mind during our brief brunch date.

Back to Captain Awesome - we have plans in place to see each other this weekend. Just the thought of him makes me smile -- and recalling all these other lame dates is certainly helping to put things in perspective. I'm just not getting that immediate giddy feeling that I had for Teen Crush and New Guy -- maybe I'm just more cautious these days?

More to come!

** note: his blog name came from some Mad Men-related blog. I just loved the name.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

My new boyfriend.

I have a new boyfriend, and he's been occupying nearly all my free time these past few weeks. His name is Don Draper.

I was a bit late to hop on the Mad Men phenomenon -- but once I did, it was full steam ahead. Netflix couldn't get the DVDs to me fast enough -- I had to start downloading them from iTunes. Every night, I was sucked into the goings-on at Sterling Cooper. On weekend days, entire afternoons were devoted to the latest drama between Don and Betty.

FINALLY, I'm caught up! I watched all three seasons in as many weeks, and I'm relieved to have my life back. I did manage to have a few real-life dates in the meantime -- updates to follow soon. There's even one guy who has my attention more than the others (besides Don Draper, that is -- our relationship has nearly run its course, as this season is about to end).

One last tidbit of amusement:

A few days ago, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I didn't pick up. I then received this text from the same number a few minutes later:

Hi, it's Joe Shmoe from a few years ago. I have a crazy idea, and would like to discuss if you have an open mind -- if you know what I mean.

Background: "Joe" and I dated about 3 years ago (pre-blog) for a few months, but it was never serious. It just didn't have the makings of a great romance. (or even a not-so-great one, for that matter)

I texted back asking for details, and he said it was easier to discuss on the phone. I called him, more out of curiosity than anything else -- he said that he got married last year, and he and his wife have been talking about having a threesome, and would I be interested?

I laughed out loud, and sarcastically thanked him for thinking of me, but it just wasn't my thing. It's especially bizarre because he does NOT seem like the kind of guy who would be into that at all -- I recall that he was a pretty straight-laced, button-up kind of guy.

Check back in a few days for updates on Mr Cool, Smooch, a new guy I shall dub "Captain Awesome", and someone who will simply be known as "Sourpuss". (just one guess on how well that date went!)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's surprising, but it's not.

Last time, I wrote that I'd had a wonderful date with Mr Cool. You know that feeling, when you're really "in the moment" with someone -- you find yourself thinking, wow, this could really be a good thing! This guy is fabulous! What could go wrong?

Which is why it's such a shock when that fabulous guy disappears. Even when you're used to dating in NY, and it happens all the time -- it's still a shock.

For a few days after the date, Mr Cool and I kept missing each other, leaving messages on each other's voicemails. I realized that medium of communication was proving difficult, so I last followed up with an email. Three days ago. That doesn't sound like a lot of time -- and check back with me in a week or so -- but I just have a feeling I'm not going to hear back from this guy. My gut usually tends to be spot on about these things.

Just to make sure -- maybe he didn't get my email?, as deluded people the world over ask themselves -- I tried one last ditch effort, and texted him this morning. Nothing.

Sure, I'm bummed. I also realize that you know nothing about a person after one date, and more likely, you're just subscribing to some fantasy of what you want this person to be. Saying that, I've been in a funk about this guy the past few days... but today I was thinking about the blog, and realized that posting about this would be my way of getting this out of my system. I'm feeling better already.

Is it some kind of karmic retribution that at the exact moment Mr Cool called for the last time, I was kissing another guy?

I mentioned the Young'Un once before -- we'd been emailing and IMing for months, but always seemed to have conflicting schedules. In one very candid conversation, we even established that we probably wouldn't be a match -- he wants kids, I most likely don't -- but there still seemed to be an attraction there.

Earlier this week, we were IMing, and it came up that we were both free that very evening. We met for a few glasses of wine. We kissed. We IMd the next day along the lines of, "that was fun, but we should just be friends". End of story. (he was date #141).

There's some early communication brewing with a few new J-guys, but no one I'm really excited about right now.

Oh -- pleasant surprise -- Smooch has been emailing from the foreign country where he's currently traveling for work, even including some pictures of his activities. Some flirtiness in the emails. Something to look forward to, his return in a few weeks.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Jim and Pam and dates #139 and #140

Did you catch Jim and Pam's wedding on "The Office" this week? I just watched it -- and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I found myself bawling at the end. It was incredibly sweet -- and it hit home the fact that I really, really want to find that kind of love with someone. Yes, I know it's fictional. And yes, I know that no relationship is perfect. I'm just SO ready to meet someone amazing, and every so often, I just get tired of yet another failed date.

Whew -- with that rant over, let's recap the latest updates.

Date #139: Dr Foodie. Dr Foodie and I seemed to connect by email, then we had a very brief phone conversation -- he seemed a bit dry, but I was willing to take a shot. He was good-looking (in a clean-cut, boy-next-door way -- not my usual type), and the conversation flowed easily -- but there was just a certain warmth missing. When he said he had an early meeting and kissed me on the cheek goodnight, that pretty much sealed the deal that he wasn't interested. No big deal -- I would have gone on a second date with him, but wasn't exactly smitten.

Date #140: Mr Cool. While out with Mr Cool, I thought (for a second) about my date with Dr Foodie a few days earlier, and realized, "now THIS is what a great date feels like!".

Mr Cool was adorable, fun, funny, smart. And he seemed into me. We wandered all over the lower east side and the village, popping into one place for wine, then another for a bite. We eventually kissed. We walked some more. We flirted, we laughed. He texted me after we parted ways.

And -- he has texted a few times in the three days since that night, without making a suggestion of when we should see each other again. I'm trying really, really hard to leave this up to him, but I hate waiting.

I'm keeping in mind that despite a really fun night, and despite talks of next time, there's no guarantee that I'll see him again. That would be a bummer, but life would go on.

THIS sucks: even if I do see him again, sometime in the near future he's going to another country for a work project -- for a month.

Smooch update: the irony of Mr Cool telling me that he had this big international project coming up is that Smooch is also out of the country -- in his case, for three weeks. What's up with this?? Normally I'M the one leaving town!

As I mentioned last time, Smooch and I had a really fun second date. Then -- nothing for nearly a week, when he texted me that he'd been busy prepping for his trip, and he'd try to call me later. In the "Guys Are So Strange" department: Smooch called me one night, but didn't leave a message. I emailed him the next day, wishing him a good trip. He called the next night (when I happened to be out with Mr Cool) -- again, no message.

A very helpful reminder in this timely post by Moxie -- if he's not making much of an effort to get in contact, then he's not that interested. Period.

If he gets in touch when he's back in town, I'd be happy to see him again -- in the meantime, I'm not going to devote any mental energy towards him.

Friday, October 2, 2009

30 second update

Busy work day, so just a quick summary:

* I ended things with Insta-BF -- it was actually a rather easy, civilized conversation. He followed up with a very thoughtfully written email, saying he'd like for us to remain friends. I'd like that as well -- and I'm relieved that we had this talk.

* Had a second date with Smooch -- a really fun time -- good chemistry there. He texted me the next day that he'd had fun, and we should do it again soon.

Unfortunately, he's going on a long business trip next week -- for three weeks. I'm hoping to see him before he leaves, but am waiting for him to initiate those plans. Get cracking, dude!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Oy oy oy

I need to do something about Insta-BF soon. It seems like he's getting in deeper, while I'm sliding further away from him.

Time for a pros / cons list:

Pros:
* He's sweet.
* He dotes upon me.
* He's reliable.
* When we have schedule conflicts, he tells me that he'll be the luckiest man in the world if he can take me out to dinner that week.
* We have pretty good chemistry, though I feel that it's starting to wane a bit on my end.
* We met in a "real life" situation, and have lots of mutual friends.
* Very open communication -- though maybe a little too open.

Cons:
* He's unsettled -- he's in between jobs AND apartments right now. Currently crashing on a cousin's couch.
* He has a bit of an immature streak -- he has a tendency to mock other people. I've called him on this.
* other issues that I just can't go into here, of the "unsettled" nature. Just trust me on this.
* I'm going to sound elitist by saying this, but there's just a certain lack of sophistication. (and maybe I lack sophistication just by saying that -- so be it).

The other night, we were texting back and forth, trying to decide if we should meet at a mutual friend's party, or meet at my place and travel there together -- he mentioned that he wanted to come to my place first, because he wanted to talk.

Oh shit -- the talk! I was filled with dread -- really, were we going to have to do this right before going to a party together? Was he going to ask what I thought about "us"? I had a pit in my stomach for the next few hours until he arrived.

It turns out he was simply having some family issues, and just needed to vent to someone. Whew. But later, I realized that we really DO need to talk about "us", soon. I enjoy his company, but I'm not sure I see a future here -- meanwhile, he's already made references to birthday gifts he wants to buy for me, with my birthday being a few months away.

Ugh. I wondered about the feasibility of doing a gradual fade-away (don't initiate contact, take my time in replying, etc) -- but I think this situation will require A Talk after all. I have a very full week ahead with work and social engagements, so I'm considering having this talk over the phone. Face-to-face would be preferable, but I'm not sure we can get together before the weekend, and there's a chance we may both be going to our mutual friend's lake house over the weekend.

One of my social engagements this week is a date with Smooch. I'm excited to see him again -- our previous (first) date was over a month ago. His recent e-mails have been smart and funny, and I have a feeling our next date will follow along those lines.

Any advice regarding Insta-BF is most welcome. What would YOU do in this situation?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A little happy dance.

Remember Smooch?

Recap: we had one great date a few weeks ago, then I was momentarily sidetracked by Insta-Boyfriend -- I'm still embarrassed to admit this, but all rational thinking went out the window, and with my head in the clouds, I wrote to Smooch and said I'd met someone else, and would like to explore that possibility. (he'd left a message and texted while I was feeling heady about Insta-BF, and I felt pressure to tell him something. Next time, a simple "work is busy right now" will suffice -- which happened to be true as well).

Once I came down to earth and started to realize that maybe Insta-BF wasn't going to be my beshert, I realized that I definitely wanted to give Smooch another shot. It had to be a perfectly crafted e-mail: humble yet confident, a little apologetic yet subtly sexy.

I guess it worked because he wrote back: at risk of seeming like a pushover, he'd love to see me again. Yay! I actually did a little happy dance in my office. Maybe I've built him up too much in my head, but I'm excited to see him again. Unfortunately, we have completely conflicting schedules right now: I'm going to be out of town this week, then he's away over the weekend. Hopefully that will be enough time for him to forget that I temporarily rejected him.

********
Insta-BF update: I'm not sure what to do here. He's definitely into me much more than I'm into him. I'm not sure I see this as a long-term thing, so maybe I should just enjoy his company for the moment, as long as it's fun...? At the same time, I really don't want to give him any false expectations.

I'm seeing him tonight for the first time in a week, will have to see what the vibe is like. Might just have to let this simmer quietly for the moment.

*******

Hey, Guy Friend, start planning our dinner out! I know I still have another month to go, but I don't anticipate seeing Martin any time soon! Our last e-mail exchange was a week ago, and I'm too busy to feel tempted by him these days.

So! Momofuku, or Ippudo, or the Redhead, or Hearth... Just throwing a few ideas out there.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The bet.

Insta-Boyfriend still seems to be in the picture, though things have taken a much more chill pace. We haven't seen each other since the weekend, and won't have much time to see each other this weekend -- I'm really busy at the moment with work and a friend's wedding.

In the meantime, we've been emailing and texting here and there. He generally signs off with something sweet and sappy like, "good night, beautiful". I'm staying a bit cooler. No need to rush into anything, especially while I'm still trying to figure out what I think about him.
*********
Remember Martin? He's the guy I dated semi-casually twice this year, but I ended it most recently when he told me he'd slept with someone else while I was out of town. He was rather emotional when we had that breakup talk a few weeks back.

Nearly two weeks after the breakup, he emailed me:

Hi [LV],

I thought of writing earlier but thought it better to let more time pass.

When we spoke last, all the things I said to you, I just want to reiterate. I think the world of you and really adore you. I really, really miss you. I miss your company. You will always be one of my favorite people in the whole world and I want you to know that I would be there for you for almost anything.

My heart was broken before we met and I am still finding out it is not so easy to mend. But If I ever get down on the world and want to think of something good, I just need to think of you.

I would always do my best not to hurt or harm you so I might only commit to loving you like a sister. But please know that, easier and quicker than any woman I have met before, I fell for you.

I'll let you call the shots if and when you are ever ready.

Love always,
[Martin]


I'm still not sure what the "loving you like a sister" part meant. I happened to be with my wonderful but very cynical friend D when the email came in, and even she had to admit that it was nicely written. I just wasn't sure how I wanted to respond.

I wrote back nearly a week later, explaining that maybe we could be friends at some point, but he couldn't blame me for remaining skeptical. I pointed out that he had hurt me not once, but twice -- and to my recollection, I don't think I ever got an apology.

He wrote back:
Maybe I took it for granted that you should know how sorry I am for hurting you. I am sorry. Those were not crocodile tears of mine that night. I agonized and hated having to have that conversation with you. I do care for you much more than you know.

I am sorry. I never wanted to or meant to hurt you. I wish that love was easier.
[Martin]


I still didn't quite get the "love" reference, since we were never even close to that -- we hadn't even dated all that long. We'd had 17 dates in total (yes, I keep track of these things).

A few innocuous emails were exchanged after that -- a happy birthday wish (for him), what I'm doing at work these days, etc. He left a message on my phone (while I happened to be with Insta-Boyfriend), but I later emailed that I wasn't ready to move our friendship to phone lines just yet. I hate to admit, I do feel some kind of pull towards him, but I'm going to keep that can of worms closed.

I told Guy Friend about this most recent exchange, and he remarked that it's probably just a matter of time before I see Martin again. I insisted that I absolutely will NOT -- after all, I have *some* semblance of integrity and pride.

We now have a bet going: if I see Martin before Halloween, I lose, and I have to take Guy Friend to dinner at the restaurant of his choosing. If I stay strong and do NOT see Martin, I win, and GF pays for dinner.

Per Se, here we come! (or, more likely, some East Village noodle joint)

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Insta-Boyfriend

Oh my. Where to begin. For starters, I found myself a new boyfriend this week – yes, “boyfriend”, as in, someone who wants to date me exclusively and is already talking about the future. And no, this guy wasn’t around the last time I posted here.

Let’s go back a week or so…

Labor Day weekend. I had plans at a lake house with a large group of friends and many extended friends. Insta-Boyfriend was amongst them. After spending some time (with the rest of the group) hiking, biking and drinking over the long weekend, we kissed. He was a good kisser, very charming and sweet, seemed smart and interesting.

He drove me home on Monday, and we talked a lot during the drive. There was a real honesty about him – we both openly shared details of our past relationships, disappointments, failures, successes, etc. It was one of those giddy-making moments where I found myself thinking, “I like this guy! And he likes me! Yay, no more annoying dating websites and blind dates and uncertainty!”. I also thought to myself that if I knew a friend in this same situation, I'd warn her to slooooow the hell down -- but I was too wrapped up in my own head.

The excitement continued as we got together two more times during the week, with texts and phone conversations sprinkled throughout. He cooked me dinner (how thoughtful!) – he snuck a cute note in my bag (how sweet!). Sure, I knew he was just out of an intense relationship, but he assured me he wasn’t on the rebound.

I’m not sure of the moment when I came back down to earth – maybe it was when I realized that he has a slight immaturity about him. Maybe it was when I started to think that maybe it does matter that he doesn’t exactly seem settled right now – he’s in between jobs and apartments at the moment.

I finally had a talk with him and told him we needed to slow things down – it’s way too soon for us to even think about using words like “boyfriend / girlfriend”. He listened and said he'd follow my lead.

So – back to taking things at a slow, normal pace – in the meantime, maybe I’ll follow up with a few J-guys. I’m going to be crazy busy with work over the next few weeks, so most dating will be shelved anyway.

In the “I’m a complete moron” department: while my head was deep in the clouds over Insta-BF, I got a message from last week’s great date, Smooch, asking to get together again. I foolishly emailed him, saying that I’d had a great time with him, but I’d met someone new, and wanted to explore where it would go. No surprise – no response from him. And it seems doubly flaky to email him now to admit that I got carried away with giddiness for this new guy. Maybe I’ll write or call him again in a few weeks. We’ll see.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A yes (136), a no (137), and a maybe.

Two recent dates to tell you about:

Date #136: Fabulous. Lots of fun, great conversation, wonderful chemistry. Drinks, dinner, lots of smooching while we walked along the street, or sat on a park bench, or rode in a taxi. He texted the next day, then called just to chat the next night. For an hour. A rarity indeed. I'm stuck on a blog name for him, so let's just call him Smooch for now.

The surprise for me: I've mentioned that a lot of my exes have had more or less the same look -- thick, curly hair, very Jewish-looking. (from the "David / Steven store", as dubbed by my buddy Brian) While Smooch is Jewish, it stops there -- he has more hair on his face than he does on top of his head. (but certainly not in a gone-crazy Joaquin Phoenix kind of way -- no big, furry beard here, thankfully) He's not my "usual" type, but I don't care -- I think he's adorable. (and smart, funny, vivacious, etc.) We're both going to be out of town for the holiday weekend, but hopefully we'll get together next week.

And -- he also has an old Jewish man's name -- again, it doesn't matter to me a whit. Rather, I find it somewhat endearing.

Date #137: Not so fabulous. Blog name "Wallace", because he reminds me of this guy:



I tried really hard to like him -- he's smart and semi-interesting -- but it just wasn't there for me. "Nebbish-y" was the word that came to mind. After an hour or so of milking my drink, I think I sent a clear message that there was no interest by announcing just how tired I was, and that I needed to call it a night.

Talked to a new guy tonight -- let's call him The Young'Un for now - he's five years my junior. We've been emailing on and off for a few months now, and might finally get around to meeting in person next week. This was a first for me: Young'Un and I talked via video IM tonight -- kind of surreal to talk to a potential date that way.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Welcome back, A&V! (and some non-updates)

My old blog buddy, formerly known as Amore & Vino, has found herself a new URL home -- Single in the (Napa) Valley. Pay her a visit to say HI, and pass on a few words of encouragement!

Minor updates:

* I heard from Martin for the first time since the breakup early in the week -- a mass email, inviting me to his upcoming birthday party. No thanks -- no response necessary.

I felt a twinge of missing him for a half-day or so after the breakup -- but as I biked through his neighborhood a few days later, I realized that I was feeling relief to NOT be dating him any longer. He just wasn't right for me, but I was initially willing to overlook that for the sake of a good connection and fun companionship. Lesson learned, I hope.

* I'm convinced that DogMan isn't interested in me, despite hours of easy convo on our date the other night. I know -- "The Rules" dictate that a woman should wait for a man to make the first contact after a date, but I got impatient: two days after the date, I emailed him some info that I had promised I'd send, signing off with a breezy "have a great weekend -- talk soon". (eh, I've always been a rule-breaker anyway)

He wrote back a short while later, thanking me for the information, and wished me a great weekend as well. Polite, but not exactly warm. No suggestion of talking soon or getting together again. It's fine. Onward!

* As Guy Friend reminded me: it doesn't seem like it's a match with him, but you've got 5-6 other chickens in the oven, so to speak. It's true. I already have two dates planned in the next few days, in addition to communication with other J-guys simmering away. Details to come!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Date #135: DogMan

As Tiny E recently stated -- the best way to forget about someone is to go out with someone else. I did that tonight, and didn't think about Martin for a nanosecond.

Last night (post-breakup, post-karaoke) I forked over the $39.99 to subscribe to J-date again, my first time in months. I had kept my profile active the past few months, but since I wasn't a paying member, I couldn't read emails that were sent to me. Last night I played a bit of catch-up, writing back to guys who had written to me months ago.

After a few email exchanges, one of them IMd me today. I'm not much of an IM-er, but the timing was perfect -- I was in the process of responding to his email. Some nice chit chat, and next thing I knew, we had a date planned for tonight. (he's going out of town this weekend, and we had conflicting schedules for the rest of the week) He seemed just semi-decent looking in his pics, but I have to admit that I was partially won over by his adorable dog.

We met for a drink at a cocktail bar with good lighting -- very happy surprise, he was much cuter than his pics. (but not *too* cute to be intimidating) Interesting, smart, funny guy -- spent some time living abroad, which is always a plus. The time flew -- we both looked at our watches at one point and were shocked to see it was 11 pm -- we met at 8:30.

He walked me home, and there definitely would have been the opportunity for him to give me a nice kiss goodnight -- but he didn't. Even his body language at the bar earlier kept changing -- sometimes he'd face me, sometimes he'd face away a bit.

It would be nice to see him again, but I won't be heartbroken if I don't. He made a reference to "next time" we get together -- so we'll see.

I'm guessing -- if a guy doesn't grab the opportunity to kiss me at the end of the night when we're just chatting in front of my place -- chances are, he's just not that into me. Thoughts?
*******
PS -- Just had to add this -- this email just came in from some new guy:
I like your profile so if the feeling is mutual, and you don't always wear that orange/red lipstick (sorry, just not a big fan of lipstick in general) then feel free to say hi sometime.

Dillhole! Dude needs some charm lessons.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Déjà-fucking-vu

A few months ago, I wrote that I went on a business trip, and during that one week away, things went from "pretty nice" with Martin to "over". I should just copy and paste that exact same blog post -- it happened again.

Last week, during the first few days of my business trip he wrote lovely emails, saying that he missed me and looked forward to seeing me when I got home. Then... nothing. Four days of radio silence, which is a lot when you've been communicating nearly every day. I got the vibe that something was definitely up.

Tonight, the night after my return, we had plans to go to a party together. We met at my place, and that feeling that *something* was amiss was palpable. I sat next to him on my couch and came right out and asked: I was getting a strange vibe, and was anything wrong?

With difficulty, he finally spit it out: he'd hooked up with another woman last week, someone he used to date, and (I'm paraphrasing here), he's not sure if he's ready for a relationship at this time. We had never said that we were exclusive, but I was always straightforward about the fact that I couldn't be with someone who was sleeping with other people. Up until now, this wasn't an issue.

The strange thing: he was genuinely upset that I couldn't date him any longer. He told me that he adored me and really enjoyed spending time with me, but understood where I was coming from. It was a bizarrely heartfelt discussion -- he actually got a bit teary. I told him I wasn't exactly angry with him (since we'd never said we were exclusive) -- just hurt and disappointed.

The truth is -- this time around, there was always *something* I couldn't place about him -- I just never felt that I could trust him 100%. Sure, we had fun, and the sex was great -- but I just didn't get The Feeling that I had for New Guy. (and maybe still have. Sigh.). But I would have been willing to wait it out and see what developed -- anyway, it just wasn't meant to be.

I skipped the party, and instead met up with a group of friends from work who were out singing karaoke -- it was a great night, and I'm still a bit tipsy. "Love is a Battlefield" felt especially appropriate.

Onward! I'm going to re-join J-date for the first time in ages. There's a guy from J-date from months ago whom I've never met, who just happened to leave a message the other day -- I think it's time for us to finally get together.

PS. A THANK YOU to you readers in this little blogging community! I can't express how cathartic it is to put these words out there and get support, words of encouragement, etc. It just does.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Thanks for the blog material, Dillhole!

I last wrote that I was considering a date with a new J-guy (now known as "Dillhole", for reasons revealed below) -- we IM'd, then talked, then made a plan to get together a few days later.

I decided to cancel the day before. I wrote to him that I'd met someone new, and wanted to see where it would go -- this being only a small part of the real reason that I decided to cancel on him. He just didn't seem all that interesting, but being the tactful person that I am, I didn't feel the need to state that.

He, on the other hand? Not so tactful. His response:

No issue here - I wasn't going to come into the city to meet you anyway. As cool as the IM we exchanged was, as soon as we got on the phone the conversation felt dead. I have enough experience with JDate to know not to expend the effort to meet someone with whom any kind of initial connection is missing.

It's all part of the process. Best wishes on your quest to find a mate.

- Dillhole


Note: this was *after* he'd already made plans to meet me... so does this mean he was simply planning on standing me up? Don't know, and don't care at this point.

*****

In other news -- things seem to be going nicely with Martin. I'm trying not to read into the fact that he just emailed me info on an event that's taking place in October with a note that read, "this looks like fun!". Nosirree, no thoughts along the lines of, "does this mean he still sees us dating then?" Nope, nothing of the sort. Just cool as a cucumber. More or less.

I have a business trip coming up -- will take a temperature when I'm back in town in a week.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Martin, Part Two

A few weeks (and a few more dates) in -- still enjoying Martin's company. It doesn't seem like the casual fling that I had envisioned -- go figure, I'm starting to like like the guy! And the feeling seems to be mutual. Over a lovely dinner this week, he told me that he was really happy to be at that place at that very moment... with me.

I still have my guard up, but at the moment, I'm just taking this day by day, and enjoying it.

This dilemma always seems to come up in the early days of dating someone: we're nowhere close to declaring exclusivity with each other, but it just doesn't feel right to date other guys at this time. This mainly comes from my ridiculous paranoia, imagining the awkwardness of being out with Some New Guy, and running into Martin (after having said goodbye to him maybe ten hours prior, that very morning). I know -- New York is a big city, and it's unlikely -- but not impossible.

Saying that -- I recently talked to a new J-guy, and while I'm not exactly wowed by him, I'm contemplating a drink with him this week. I've been trying to think of places to meet for a drink where I'm unlikely to run into Martin... but I'd rather not shlep up to the Upper East Side unless absolutely necessary.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Out with the new, in with the old.

Thanks to Dating Trooper for the suggestion -- McC is now Blaine. Love it -- finally, a name that fits! (though he is not an appliance)

Then again: this will most likely be his last blog appearance. After nearly a week of silence after our last date, I sent an innocuous email along the lines of, hey, are you going to that get-together our mutual friends are having? He responded in a not-exactly-warm fashion: not sure, I'm going to try.

I decided not to beat around the bush. Sent another email with my real question, noting that his previous interest had seemed to have morphed into silence, and that if he was no longer interested, he should feel free to say so. He wrote back thanking me for the opportunity to be honest (um, the opportunity was always there, dude...) -- I was the first girl he was really interested in since his last breakup a few months ago, but he needed more time off, and work is really busy, etc etc. Said he wanted to chat -- we've played phone tag since then, but I feel like I've already heard what he has to say. So that's that.

****

Blast from the past: Martin seems to be back.

If you recall, we dated rather casually a few months back -- I ended things because one, he had gotten somewhat flaky with communication, and two, because he said he wasn't in a mindset for a serious relationship.

Well -- he's been contacting me rather regularly since then (we had said we'd stay friends), and we wound up getting together a few days ago. That same chemistry is still there. I enjoy his company -- he's a fun, smart, affectionate guy.

My friend D, bless her heart, was very skeptical when I told her that he's back in the picture -- I wrote this to her:
To be honest, I see HIM as someone to have fun with right now, and don't really see us getting serious. Yes, I DO want something serious, when I find the right guy... but I think I can enjoy the attention of someone else (for now, him) in the meantime. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. At least for the moment, he's fulfilling some need in me -- the need to be affectionate, the need to have fun with a cool guy, etc.

It's only been a few days since that most recent date, and maybe it's because my expectations are so low, but I've been pleasantly surprised so far. He's been calling and texting on a regular basis, making plans for this week and beyond. (eg, did I mind that he made a reservation for us for a fabulous restaurant that he's been wanting to try?)

So -- we'll see.

Friday, July 17, 2009

"The Dude" is now McCarthy.

"The Dude" just didn't feel like the right moniker for him -- it sounds slightly obnoxious (he's anything but), and evoked images of Jeff Bridges's stoner character in the film "The Big Lebowski". (great movie, by the way).

I was describing this new guy to a friend the other day, and mentioned that he looks a bit like Andrew McCarthy -- so his blog name is now McCarthy, or McC for short.

This is a big departure for me -- my general "type" is a guy who is on the short side, is Jewish-looking, with dark, curly hair. A friend once commented that I shop for my guys at the David / Steven Store (named after two exes of mine who perfectly embody this type. Not their real names).

If I'd come across McC on a dating site, would I have written to him? Maybe not. I'm delighted about the way we did actually meet -- naturally, in a "non-date" setting (at a weekend house out of town). I met a number of his friends that weekend as well, so it was nice to see him in that setting.

We had a break of a few weeks while I was out of town (with a few emails and texts exchanged during that time), and had our first reunion date this week. It was as fun and easy as I'd hoped it would be -- he wanted to plan a really nice date for us, and he did a great job of it.

From the little I know about him at this early stage, he seems like the kind of smart, fun, unconventional guy I've been hoping to meet. Trying to keep my excitement under wraps -- as usual, it's the old "wait and see" game. We have another date planned for this weekend.

I haven't yet decided if I should go out with SexyBoy again when he's back in town next week (that is, assuming he contacts me). That old dilemma of wanting to give one person a chance, vs not putting all your eggs in one basket -- I think I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it. (my, I'm just spouting out the clichés today!)

PS. Update a few days later: I wrote the above while slightly tipsy from an afternoon drink with the fabulous Tiny E -- yes, she's as cool as she seems from her blog! Alas, work is about to get busier, so E, I won't be able to help you resurrect the three-martini-lunch. Yet.

Other update: had another date with McC. Maybe too soon to tell, but he didn't seem quite as warm as he did the last time. Eh, once again, wait and see -- but I'm feeling more level-headed than just a few days ago, and will be willing to go on dates with other guys if asked. (well, no one is asking just yet...)

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Back in town.

Just back in town after a lovely time away in a Somewhat Exotic Country. Barely thought about NY dating life while I was away... a refreshing change from my usual MO. And it didn't even occur to me to have a casual vacation fling -- it just wasn't that kind of trip.

Just before I left, I met two guys in "real life" circumstances (meaning, not through online dating). One could be a casual summer fling -- he's a few years younger than I am, and very sexy, but not someone I could really see as a long-term boyfriend. Let's call him SexyBoy.

The other, I think I'd want as more than just a fling. There's something about this guy -- he's quirky, cool, unconventional, cute, smart. I'm intrigued. We e-mailed a few times while I was away, and have a date planned for this week. (these guys are dates #133 and 134, respectively) I'm having trouble coming up with an appropriate blog name for him -- at least for now, "The Dude" feels right.

More to come -- I need to write about context. I wonder if there would have been a click if I'd met either of these guys online? In both cases, we have mutual friends -- that goes a long way.

Update on previous post: I seem to have once again filed away those feelings for New Guy. Maybe for good this time? We'll see.

George: after that really fun first date, never heard from him again. Only mildly surprising.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sigh.

Several months ago, I wrote about an evening out with New Guy (I really need to come up with a better name for him) -- a refresher: he and I dated for a few months last fall, but he was just out of a serious relationship (and a long marriage just before that), and needed to have some solo time. We stopped dating, but remained friends.

On that last night out (platonic, with mutual friends), he mentioned that he was dating someone new, but was clear with her that he absolutely was not looking for anything serious. I realized at that time that I couldn't help myself: I still had feelings for this guy.

He and I have remained friends, but hadn't seen each other since then -- until this weekend. We've been meaning to catch up for ages, but one of us always seems to be traveling lately, so we finally picked a date a month in advance and made plans to cook dinner at his place.

It was a fabulous night, eating in his yard on a perfect, balmy summer evening -- but holy cow -- I realized that I *still* have feelings for him. He's just one of the most remarkable guys I've ever met -- smart, considerate, a great listener, funny (and he happens to be a good cook) -- we just click.

And yet -- very appropriate that the issue of timing has come up on this blog of late -- maybe it's bad timing, maybe he's just not into me. Whatever it is -- it's a sucky feeling that I still care for him (a lot), but he's just not available right now.

Oy… for so long, I had done such a good job of filing him away in the recesses of my mind. Seeing him brought all those feelings back to the surface, maybe more so because I’m in a frustrating place right now. Nothing I can really do about it, except try to stifle these feelings (again) and hope they stay buried. And maybe meet someone equally amazing who IS available.

*******
The next day, I had lunch plans with a new J-guy -- let's call him George, since he resembles my high school boyfriend with that name (he's First Date #132 since March 2005). I went into the date feeling physically heartsick over the situation with New Guy, and found myself thinking that if this was a bad date, that would only drive me deeper into the black hole I'd dug for myself.

Thankfully, George was a good distraction. Funny, cute, fun. He expressed interest in seeing me again, so I'm hoping that happens sometime this week.

And then -- another good distraction from New Guy, and the NY dating scene in general -- as of next week, I'm going to be out of town for almost three weeks, on vacation with a good friend to Some Exotic Country. The timing couldn't be better! (for a change)

Friday, June 12, 2009

And another one's gone, and another one's gone...

Just a few days ago, I wrote:

I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.

I came to the conclusion: fun and easy wasn't enough. Tonight, I ended it with Mr Easy. He was disappointed, but in the honest discussion that followed (we'd never talked about "us" before), he said he's not in a place for anything serious at the moment. And truthfully, while I enjoyed his company, I'm not sure I was feeling a future with him. We had a lovely hug goodbye (along with what seemed like one of our most passionate kisses ever), and that was that.

I know I made the right decision, but I'm just in a funk right now. I'm really, really sick of dates that don't go anywhere. I had dates #130 and 131 this week -- I wasn't swept off my feet by either of them, but I'd consider a second date if I hear from them. Thankfully, neither was doing the Master Cleanse during the date.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Date #129: the Guru

This was my first "first date" in over two months, and I was a bit nervous. The Guru and I had nearly missed each other, like the proverbial two ships in the night: we'd had a few encouraging e-mails via Match, until he said he was getting off the site, and to write to him at his real email address.

I did -- no response. I was a little surprised, but not so much -- it's not unusual for a Great Connection Guy to go MIA on the internet.

About a week ago, I got an alert that he wrote to me again via Match (I couldn't read the content, as I was no longer a paying member). Again, I wrote to him at his e-mail address. Nothing.

I finally did a bit of detective work, and discovered that I'd misspelled his e-mail address. Once I realized this, I let him know, and he quickly wrote back, and a date was planned. I couldn't help but think that if we hit it off, what a great story that would be -- the romance that almost didn't happen, thwarted by technology!

However, that was not to be.

My request to talk on the phone prior to the date was met with "I'm not much of a phone person, but ok...". We wound up leaving messages for one another, and went into the date un-talked. Had I talked to him beforehand, I might not have had to write to this e-mail to a friend immediately after the date:

So... the date with (Mr Guru): for one, those pics on his profile are really old. Two: he suggested we meet for Thai food, but when he showed up (about 20 minutes late) he revealed that he was doing a cleanse - why bother meeting me for *dinner* then? I ate real food, while he got a bowl of broth. I had beer, he had hot water with lemon. Three: when the check came, I did the polite "can I contribute?" offer -- he said, "ok, we can split it, even though mine was less". Um... okay...

He was a bit too New Agey for me. He's not of this coast, and has only been living here a few months. The word "tantric" was bandied about. Interesting to talk to from a sociological stance, but no chemistry at all.


Onward!

*******
I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Another one bites the dust.

I did it. After waffling all weekend, I finally called Martin and ended things. (he restored my faith that he wasn't a total dillhole when, the day after he texted me at 1:30 am, he called and left a proper message).

It wasn't easy -- we have a good connection, and great chemistry, and I was torn between doing what feels good right now, vs what I want in the long run. This doesn't happen often with me, but logic won. Maybe I'm finally becoming a grown-up?

During this warmer-than-expected talk, he reminded me that during an earlier talk we'd had months ago, he told me that he was not long out of a serious relationship, which was preceded by another long-term relationship -- and thus, wasn't in a place to be serious right now. Oh yes... that. I remembered that, kind of.

He said he understood where I was coming from, but hoped we could still stay friends, and "we'll see what happens" down the road. So that's that. I'm missing him a little, but am still confident that this is for the best.

I'm just really ready to meet someone already who is crazy about me, whom I'm crazy about as well. Sigh.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

The wake-up call: Martin

Just got back from a business trip – on my last night there, I had an epiphany.

I was faffing around on the internet, checking out what people were up to on Facebook – out of curiosity, I checked out Mr Recurring’s page. I check out his page every so often to see if he’s still engaged to soon-to-be Mrs Recurring. So far, it appears that that’s still the case, with the wedding just a few weeks away. Allegedly.

I think there’s a part of me that wants to see that they’ve broken up. Not because I want to be with him… maybe I’m just a little jealous of these two people who seem so ecstatic to have found each other, and I just crave that feeling so much. I don’t even realize I’m craving it until I go to his (then her) Facebook page, and see all the updates (the first get-together with mutual friends, talk of moving in together), the happy photos together, gazing into each other’s eyes (well, THAT one is a bit puke-worthy).

So, this epiphany: I realized that if I want to find someone who is totally crazy about me, maybe I shouldn’t be wasting time with guys who AREN’T crazy about me. My best friend D will be the first to remind me of this: any night I spend on a date with someone like Martin is a night I could be potentially be going out with someone with whom there’s a future. Rocket science, I know.

I’ve been on the fence regarding how much I like Martin, pondering how right he is for me. One factor that’s pushing him further into the “not right” column: he’s been rather inconsistent. Before we both left on our trips, he told me he’d miss me – and yet we only exchanged one brief, not-very-warm text while I was away. Actions much louder than words, see?

Just tonight, a week and a half after our last brief text exchange, he texted me to say “hi” – at 1:30 am. Really, dude?

Alas, I think he needs to be 86’d. I’m going to miss the good chemistry, but I think it’s more important to focus on someone who may have potential.

What timing – I just read this on Evan Mark Katz’s website:
What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters - if you want a healthy relationship - is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”


Thanks for the reminder, EMK.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Bon voyage

Once again – not much of an update. Actually – scratch that – the update is that while my usual M.O. is that I stress excessively about guys and dating, and struggle with loneliness – lately I’ve been (mostly) the opposite of that (an exception outlined below). I'm feeling quite dating-ambivalent of late -- could be work stress (I have a business trip coming up this week), combined with the excitement of a very cool vacation I'm planning with a friend next month.

As mentioned above, I'm not 100% dating-stress-free. There was this one night last week: Martin and I spent a fun Sunday day and evening together, and we next talked a few days later. He was going to be leaving town the following weekend, and I was about to embark on a business trip -- this meant that if we didn't see each other again before our respective trips, it would be another two weeks before we'd be able to get together.

When we talked about making plans sometime that week (correction: when I talked about making plans) the only night that seemingly would have worked for both of us didn't work for him, he said, because he needed that night to pack for his trip. The night in question was *two* days before his trip. Harrumph!

Right after we hung up, my brain reeled -- hm, he must not like me that much if he's willing to pass up one last night with me before we both go out of town. I started a mental list of all the other signs that he was no longer that into me: I couldn't recall the last time he'd told me he thought I was beautiful, like he did in the beginning. It seemed that his texts were more of a subtle sexual tone of late, not romantic.

Then -- just as quickly as I turned on the crazy -- the switch went off once I put myself in his shoes: not long after, a friend asked to make plans for Sunday, and I said it would be difficult, as I had to pack for my trip... two days away. Oh. Maybe it also didn't hurt that Martin and I had a lovely conversation the night before his trip, and he told me he'd miss me, and gave some thoughtful advice when I told him about some family drama I was having.

So. The only thing I really know right now is that I don't really know anything!

Oh -- last time I wrote that I still had Mr Easy in the picture, but "probably not for much longer". We've had another date since, and had a great time - I enjoy his company, and at the moment, can't think of a reason to not date him. So he's still in the picture as well.

Enjoy your long holiday weekend -- updates to come when I'm back in town.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Nice and easy (?)

A month or so ago I wrote that there were two guys in the picture: Mr Easy and Martin. I liked them both, but knew that these things have a way of working themselves out, so I didn’t stress over the notion that I’d have to choose one over the other.

Update: I’m still seeing both of them, but I’ve been seeing Martin more frequently and have been more intimate with him – it just feels like a more natural connection. Actually, this is the most fun I've had with a guy in a long time.

And yet? I'm not stressing about "how-much-does-he-like-me" / "where-is-this-going" -- and the fact that I'm NOT stressing about this is throwing me off a bit! That's not my usual M.O. -- when I like a guy, I analyze it inside-out, upside-down til the cows come home, dammit!

Maybe I'm not stressing (yet) because:
1. maybe I'm not sure how much I like him at this early stage?
2. maybe because he's been reliable so far -- calls regularly (he's much more of a phone person than an e-mail person), and texts to let me know he's looking forward to seeing me again, etc.
3. maybe because -- *gasp* -- I'm getting older and wiser and am realizing that I DON'T have to stress about these things because I'm not 16 and waiting for a guy to ask me to the prom?
4. maybe, just maybe it's because I kind of, sort of still have Mr Easy in the picture -- but probably not for much longer.

Oh -- Martin also casually dropped in a phone conversation that he was recently out with a friend who happened to be a bit of a player, but by contrast, he's more of a relationship guy. Good to know.

Anyway -- give me a few more weeks with this guy and I'm sure I'll be back to my usual overthinking, overly-analytical self.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Holy crap! Newsflash!

Some of you may remember -- in March I wrote about a guy with whom I had three good dates (so I thought) -- Mr. Recurring. But he met another woman during that time, and decided he wanted to be exclusive with her. End of story.

Today, I found myself thinking about the qualities that I liked in a guy -- smart, sophisticated, well-traveled -- and remembered that he had those qualities. Hm, wonder if they've broken up yet, I thought to myself? So I checked his Facebook page (he's not a FB friend, but has no security blocks to prevent non-friends from reading all the details).

Guess what?!! They're ENGAGED! Not only engaged -- they're getting married in June, only three months after meeting for the first time! (I know this for a fact because she and I share a mutual acquaintance)

I'm not bothered by this on a personal level -- please, he and I only had three dates -- but I'm just gobsmacked at the stupidity of this! Why the rush?

Anyway, best of luck to them -- and thanks for providing great blog fodder!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

No news is good news...?

My friend M asked the other day when she was going to see the latest Loverville update (despite already getting, in person, what little dirt there was). I replied that there wasn't a whole lot of news to report... but maybe that in itself is the update. [Once again, I'm too tired to really put together coherent sentences -- I should not still be in the office at 10 pm! I'm just feeling too exhausted to make the trip home, been procrastinating for the past hour. Anyway.]

Martin and Mr Easy are both still in the picture. I feel that I have more of a cerebral connection with Mr Easy, but there is definitely more chemistry with Martin. Mr Easy is out of town this week, and I'm appreciating the time to hit that "pause" button.

I've been rather busy with work these days, as well as social and familial obligations -- happily, this has prevented me from engaging in my usual dating overthinking. At the moment, I'm not dating any new guys -- I just don't have the time. I have another business trip coming up in a few weeks, may consider cranking up the old J-date machine after that time. Will just have to see if / how things develop with the current contenders.

Not very exciting for a dating blog, eh?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Back in dating land.

During my ten-day business trip, I was so busy that I barely had time to think about guys and dating. In hindsight, it was very refreshing.

Before the trip, I had another date with each of the two guys who are currently in the picture: Martin and Mr Easy. They're both very nice guys, in different ways, but I think I feel more of a connection with Martin. There just seems to be more of a "click" there -- perhaps it's no coincidence that he's the one who communicated more frequently while I was away.

I have plans to see both of them later in the week, and I think I'll re-evaluate after the next date with each. I think it would be too soon to exclusively date Martin -- but at the same time, it doesn't feel right to continually date (and kiss) another guy. Obviously, I have no idea what he's up to -- for all I know, he could be planning a fifth date with another woman at this time. I just have to do what feels right for me.

If I did end things with Mr Easy, I think it would be a rather smooth break. We've had a fun time together, but I get a whiff of casual from him.

More eloquent writing next time... brain is still muddled from jetlag!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Not one, but two.

A guy named Walt recently posed a question in the comments section -- he was dating two women at once, and wasn't quite sure how to go about it. It spurred quite a heated discussion here -- I've never had so many comments on one post!

Walt, I'm currently in a similar situation -- saying that, I don't know how far along you were with both your dates. I've only had three dates each with these two guys.

The details:
Mr Easy: we had another date since I last wrote. Lots of laughs. He remains funny and smart. Not sure how much of a "romantic" vibe I'm getting from him, but maybe it's too soon to tell?

Martin: talk about unexpected! Background: I wrote here that Martin and I had a first date, now over a month ago. In the weeks that followed, we exchanged a few texts, e-mails and calls -- admittedly, we both flaked a bit on each other.

Finally had a second (and a third) date this past week. This was one of those very, very rare times that I felt the first date was just okay, but the second was absolutely great. The third as well. I *do* get a warm, romantic vibe from this guy (but not inappropriately sappy for this early stage).

I don't think I necessarily need to "choose" at this point -- and as a wise friend once said to me, these things have a way of working themselves out. On one hand, I'd like to get to know each of these guys a little better -- but at the same time, I don't want to pull the rug out from under anyone.

I'm happy that I actually have an opportunity to hit the "pause" button on both of these: later this week, I'll be going out of town for work for a week and a half. I'll just see what correspondence is like with each of these guys while I'm away, and think about it when I get home.

Walt, if you're still out there, would love to hear what's going on in your world, with your two "lady friends"!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

A little bit of advice for the guys...

Guys -- if you're doing the online dating thing: not only should you NOT send an overly cheesy e-mail as your initial e-mail... you should not then cut and paste that very same e-mail to multiple women!

My friend A and I just realized that we each got this exact same e-mail from the same guy -- I referenced him some time ago, Red Flag Guy. Please comment if you've received this same e-mail as well! (next thing you know, he'll be e-mailing us about his bank account in Nigeria)

Hmmmm, someone would make my week if I heard from her, hint, hint:)

Those eyes and that smile are doing a serious number on me...!!

So listen, I figure we can elope and then have a small ceremony for our nearest and dearest...Is Paris too cliched for the elopement?:)

Beyond Smitten,
[Cheesy Guy]


Hilarious.

I have some guy updates for you, but it will have to wait til tomorrow. Hint: I'm starting to like two different guys, and am feeling a bit flummoxed over it.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Date #127 / it's a small fricking world

I LOVE that for a big city, New York can be a very small world!

Last time, I wrote that that was going to be the very last mention of Mr Recurring -- but this story is worth mentioning, because it's such a crazy coincidence:

If you recall, only days after Mr R told me that he wanted to be exclusive with the other woman he'd been dating, I saw on Facebook that they were now "in a relationship". Of course, I had to check her out (who wouldn't?). She seemed smart, accomplished, etc -- and she and I shared a mutual Facebook friend -- let's call this friend Hannah.

Hannah and I are really just acquaintances -- we see each other at parties every so often, usually organized by our mutual friend, let's-call-her-Robin. I mentioned this coincidence to Robin -- her response:
Holy cow -- it gets better! Are you sitting down?

It just happened that she was at a party with Hannah and The Other Woman a few weeks ago -- it turns out that those two went to high school together, but were just reconnecting for the first time in years. Robin wrote about The Other Woman (whom she was meeting for the first time):

I have to tell you, I took a fairly strong dislike to her. I wanted to like her -- she's well-spoken and interesting -- but there was something about her that really rubbed me the wrong way. She seemed, well, a bit cold and a bit mean.

Here's the MOST interesting part: at a certain point in the evening we were talking about dating, and this woman said that she had maybe met someone. The sense I got was that they had been dating for a little while, maybe a month or two. She didn't seem to want to talk about him, which is understandable -- I know that feeling of not wanting to jinx something! -- but then someone asked how long they'd been seeing each other, and she said that they'd just had one date. I think she may have even said that they had just had it the night before, although I might be embroidering. One can only assume that that date was with [Mr R]!


Ahhh... small world indeed! I can't help but imagine the awkwardness if I'd been there as well, and we'd discovered that we were both excited about the same guy. Oof!

Moving on...

********

Had date #127 this week with Mr Easy -- I'll explain the name in a minute. Actually, we've already had two dates so far, will get to that as well.

Mr Easy and I had a good rapport via e-mail, and a fun connection on the phone. He mentioned that he'd done a bit of acting, and some of his comedy sketches were online. I looked up his videos -- they were cute and funny, and so was he.

Maybe it was because I had more visual information than I usually have going into a first date, but I just felt predisposed to liking this guy. It was a great date -- dinner, followed by drinks at a cozy lounge, with a nice amount of smooching. By the end of the date, he asked if I was free to get together over the weekend.

Date #2 was last night -- the good vibes continued over dinner. More good smooching. And again, before the date ended, he asked what my work schedule was like this week.

It just feels... easy. In a good way. So, we'll see.

******

Another update: after my date with Mr Sunday last week, I e-mailed him with some information I'd promised. He wrote back: thanks for the links, nice meeting you too. Take care, [Mr Sunday]

Ha! Diss! As Jerry Seinfeld says: when you say "take care", don't you really mean "take off"? Hilarious, very apt clip here.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Date #126: Sunday

Had a lunch date today (date #126 since my last serious relationship ended four years ago) -- I'm not feeling particularly creative with names right now, so for the moment, he'll just be known as Mr Sunday.

Sunday and I had a pretty good e-mail rapport, but when we first talked on the phone last week, the conversation felt a bit forced. Generally, in my experience, when I don't feel a connection by phone, it's rare that I'll have one in person. We wrapped up the convo by making lunch plans for today, but in the days that followed, I considered canceling -- and maybe this is wrong, but at the time, I thought that if a possible date with Mr R were to come up for today, then I'd cancel on Mr Sunday in order to see Mr R.

If you've been keeping up -- Mr R is now history. I decided to keep my date with Mr Sunday with the "you never know" mindset. Maybe we were just a bit nervous on the phone? It's a lot of pressure to say the "right" thing to a stranger during that initial conversation.

I'm glad I didn't cancel -- Mr Sunday was cute, and we had a nice, easy rapport -- we made each other laugh quite a bit. This was potentially telling - after lunch, there would have been the chance for one of us to bail if there was no interest at all. Instead, we took a stroll through the park and continued chatting.

Being a bright, sunny, sober afternoon, we wrapped up the date with a kiss on the cheek, and a mention that we should get together for a drink soon. Next time, at night. So -- we'll see.

********

Question: when you start dating someone new, do you search for whatever clues you can find about them? I sure do. Maybe Google, maybe Facebook -- probably both. I'm curious to see if we have any mutual friends, where they went to school (if they haven't already told me), etc.

DISCLAIMER: one last comment on Mr R, then he's going to be banished from these pages for good! I'll admit, after I met him, every so often I'd look at his Facebook page to see if there were any clues I could learn about him -- he has one of those pages where you can see all the information even if you're not his FB "friend".

Out of curiosity, I had a look at his FB page yesterday -- and he's already announced that he's "in a relationship" with this new woman! Whoa, Nelly! Just three days earlier, he had told me that they'd just had three dates together -- of course, there's a good chance that was a lie, and they'd gone out many more times than that.

But the fact remains... dude, you were telling me on Monday that you wanted to play strip poker with me, and we were planning our next dates... and by the weekend you're declaring to the world that you're in a relationship with someone else? This just reeks of "ew".

And let's not even mention the fact that relationships that take off really quickly often tend to crash and burn just as fast. Anyway: it's official -- that will be the last mention here of Mr R (unless he does something ridiculous, like contact me), because he really doesn't deserve any more typing energy.

Onward!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Four days of ups, downs, and ups again.

How can it only have been four days since I've updated here? I have so much info for you! I'll give you the play-by-play as if I were reporting it on each day.

Monday: feeling very happy and optimistic about Mr Recurring! We're back to our previous fun e-mail banter -- in a flirty moment, he joked about playing strip poker -- and interestingly, we have not only our next date planned, but the next two dates: a lunch date mid-week, then a proper weekend night out. Am very much looking forward to both, and it seems that he is as well.

Wednesday: my work day was off to a hectic start, so rather than the lunch date we had initially planned, I called Mr R to ask if he was free that night, maybe we could do a casual after-work thing instead. He started, "actually..."

He admitted to me that he's been on a few dates with someone else -- he feels that there's a special connection there, and he'd like to explore that... and as a result, feels we shouldn't be seeing each other any longer. He gave me more info than I really needed to hear: this felt like a one-in-a-million, and you can't control when this happens, blah blah blah.

I told him I appreciated his honesty, and that telling me this was preferable to him disappearing -- and wished him the best of luck.

(as written to a friend just after the call) I'm actually crying at my desk in my cubicle right now, hoping no one comes by -- maybe this dark cloud is a little bit about him, but more about the frustration of feeling that I had finally met someone I liked, only to have it go out the window -- and a little envy over the fabulous connection he seems to have with this other woman.

I'll be fine... but it just sucks right now.

Spend rest of the day brooding / crying in my cubicle / eating bad junk food. Several friends offered to take me out for a drink, and I wound up meeting M and her friend This Guy -- long time readers may remember that This Guy and I had a handful of dates about two years ago, but it never went anywhere. We run into each other occasionally at M's parties, and it has always been perfectly comfortable, no awkwardness whatsoever.

(strange -- just now, re-reading my almost two-year-old blog post about one of our early dates, I'm surprised -- I don't recall liking him as much as I seem to in this writeup! Anyway. I fall quickly sometimes -- surprise, surprise).

So -- M, TG and I went for a bite, and my spirits were lifted immediately thanks to their company and a few glasses of wine. We were about to walk to our respective subways when we passed by New Hip Restaurant -- M impulsively suggested we go there for just one more drink, which didn't take much convincing.

However -- at the door, the doorman / bouncer-type informed us: no reservation, no dice. We insisted, we just wanted to get a drink at the bar. Nope -- sorry.

M and I stood there looking at each other for a minute -- I wasn't ready to give up just yet, and just had a feeling that if we persevered or brainstormed, surely, there had to be a way in.

Just then, that "way" became apparent: the door swung open, and an acquaintance appeared -- let's call him Funny Guy. FG apparently had some connection there, and the fact that he knew me was all the doorman needed to know -- he whisked us inside, and insisted we join him and his friends. They generously shared some of their delicious apps with us (even though we just ate, we *had* to sample -- this restaurant is a bit pricey, and I probably won't be eating there anytime soon). Every so often, it's fun to pretend to be one of the Beautiful People.

Funny Guy and friends left before M, TG and I did -- when we asked for the check for our drinks, we were informed that it had been taken care of. I was touched by their generosity, and basked in the feeling that my day was finishing on a much better note than it had started.

But wait... it gets even better!

M hopped in a cab, and This Guy offered to walk me part of the way home. We then walked a bit more... and a bit more... until we were in front of my place, kissing. Then in my living room, kissing. And so on.

Thursday: did *not* get a good night of sleep at all... but it was 100% worth it. I thought this to myself as I said goodbye to This Guy at 9 am...