I'm a little tipsy on an empty stomach right now, so this is going to be blunt and very stream-of-consciousness.
Saw New Guy tonight -- we went out with our two mutual friends. Before the friends arrived, we were catching up, and he casually mentioned that he's been dating someone -- I think he said it's been going on a month or two. He's been clear with her that he doesn't know what he wants, and he's not exactly looking for a quote-unquote "relationship" right now (just to reiterate, he and I have been in the "friend zone" for a few months now... but the attraction pops up now and then -- we kissed the last time we saw each other, about a month ago).
Anyway... just hearing that he was dating someone put a knife in my heart, and it occurred to me: I still have feelings for this guy. He's really an amazing, exceptional guy, and it's hard for me NOT to have these feelings for him. It sucks.
It *does* help to know that even if he wasn't dating this other woman, we wouldn't exactly be in a "relationship" per se, since he's just not in that place. Still... I'd rather him not be dating anyone else, and for us to just have occasional dalliances... anyway... onward.
** and yes, I know it's hypocritical for me to not want him to date other people, when of course, I AM dating other guys. Did I ever claim to be rational in matters of love?
fyi -- as far as I know, he has no idea I have these feelings for him. Unless he somehow senses it intuitively... but I think I've been doing a pretty good job playing it cool.
But -- some good news:
Had a second date with Mr. Recurring -- the thought of him makes me smile. It was a fabulous date -- drinks, then dinner, then a bit of smooching. Towards the end of the date (I wish I could remember the context), he started listing the things he likes about me: he thinks I'm easy to talk to, smart, fun, easy on the eyes. Next date is set for this weekend -- I'm excited about him.
Had another first date (#125) this week. I'm not sure what to think of him yet -- good looking, smart, gregarious... and short. He's about my height. For now, let's call him Martin - as in, Martin Short. He left a message on my voicemail tonight -- I'd see him again.
No word from WTF after our second date last weekend -- 100% ok by me.
I'd been having that fun-flirty-single feeling since Camper and I broke up -- but only tonight, those pangs of wanting to be in a relationship came pounding on my door again.