Sunday, April 5, 2009

Not one, but two.

A guy named Walt recently posed a question in the comments section -- he was dating two women at once, and wasn't quite sure how to go about it. It spurred quite a heated discussion here -- I've never had so many comments on one post!

Walt, I'm currently in a similar situation -- saying that, I don't know how far along you were with both your dates. I've only had three dates each with these two guys.

The details:
Mr Easy: we had another date since I last wrote. Lots of laughs. He remains funny and smart. Not sure how much of a "romantic" vibe I'm getting from him, but maybe it's too soon to tell?

Martin: talk about unexpected! Background: I wrote here that Martin and I had a first date, now over a month ago. In the weeks that followed, we exchanged a few texts, e-mails and calls -- admittedly, we both flaked a bit on each other.

Finally had a second (and a third) date this past week. This was one of those very, very rare times that I felt the first date was just okay, but the second was absolutely great. The third as well. I *do* get a warm, romantic vibe from this guy (but not inappropriately sappy for this early stage).

I don't think I necessarily need to "choose" at this point -- and as a wise friend once said to me, these things have a way of working themselves out. On one hand, I'd like to get to know each of these guys a little better -- but at the same time, I don't want to pull the rug out from under anyone.

I'm happy that I actually have an opportunity to hit the "pause" button on both of these: later this week, I'll be going out of town for work for a week and a half. I'll just see what correspondence is like with each of these guys while I'm away, and think about it when I get home.

Walt, if you're still out there, would love to hear what's going on in your world, with your two "lady friends"!


Anonymous said...

You are not in the same situation as Walt at all, due to the different male-female dynamic. As the guy, he is the one to do the asking. You, on the other hand, wait for the guy to ask you out again.

It is entirely possible either or both of these guys will simply vanish. Such things have happened before! It is super unlikely you will end up "torn between two lovers" with the problem of having two equally wonderful guys booking tickets to Paris so you can elope!


walt said...

Hey LV - thanks for thinking of me again. I think I probably didn't explain my situation 100% accurately for fear of getting ultra-flamed, because in fact I was dating three women when I wrote before, between 2 and 5 dates each. The good news is that I made my choice, and am very very happy with my choice. We're in that heady "honeymoon" phase now. I told one of the other women of my choice, and she was very gracious about it, and thanked me for calling and not just blowing her off. I've been unable to tell the other, because she's been in Europe.

I would disagree with JAC. I do think your situation is the same as mine was. I think the question of who does the asking is immaterial (and you're free to ask a guy out in any case), as you are in a position to do the choosing. I think that you are on solid moral ground as long as you don't say or imply to either guy that you are in an exclusive relationship with them. I do think that sleeping with someone could be seen as implying an exclusive relationship, unless the context makes clear that that's not the case, so that's something to keep in mind. Otherwise, congrats on finding two good potential matches, and enjoy it!

Anonymous said...

Walt, your credibility has paled significantly now. As your questions and posts were anonymous basically, why lie or fear getting ultra-flamed, especially if you weren't doing anything wrong in your view? Makes no sense.

walt said...

OK Anon, if you really need to know, at the time I posted my question (about two weeks ago) I had been on multiple dates with two women, so I referred to them. I had also been on one date (not two, now that I think of it) with one other, so didn't think that situation had risen to the point of being worthy of mention. However, she is the one I ultimately went with, after two more dates. But seriously, this isn't even my blog. Is your attacking attitude really necessary? You don't even know me. I posted originally because I was seeking advice, not a scathing critique based on extremely limited information.

Anonymous said...

Walt, you got advice. You asked for it. You got it. Now you may not like it, but you got the feedback you asked for. And it was HONEST based on the information you shared. If you didn't want honest feedback, you shouldn't have posted. Also Loverville has already stated that she doesn't mind us discussing this, so I don't think that's an issue.

Anonymous said...

Hi Walt,
You know, I think after a certain age many women and men have dated someone who has strung them along. Someone who gave conflicting information and someone whose behavior was misleading. I think your posts reflect that, which is where the energy behind the responses come from. Maybe you aren't like that, but your posts do reflect someone who gives misleading information.
And while you state that you got a 'scathing critique based on extremely limited information', how can you ask for accurate advice based on that same 'extremely limited information'? I believe that the responses you got were in accordance to the information you provided. If that information wasn't accurate, that is unfortunately your fault. Good luck with your new relationship. I hope it works out.

one of the anons

walt said...

I think it's clear that the "energy behind the responses" comes from issues some of you have with the fact that I was dating multiple women, most likely stemming from your own experiences. I think it's very clear from my posts that there was no "misleading information" given to anyone. If some of you think it's a problem that I didn't mention in my first email two weeks ago that I had had one date with a third women, I think that is extremely picky. Yet, LV is also enjoying dating two men, and no one criticizes. So, these critiques from the Anons come across as very sexist to me.

Anonymous said...

"If some of you think it's a problem that I didn't mention in my first email two weeks ago that I had had one date with a third women, I think that is extremely picky."

Only one anon post referred to this issue and it was before you shared that you had one date with a third woman. To me, you are a classic semantics player, Walt. Your communication skills are all over the place. You change your tune to adjust to a situation. You have done it a number of times here. Loverville is not like that. She is very clear all of the time. And when I thought she needed to be called out on anything I have posted that on here.
My best friend is guy and he is dating a few gals right now. I don't have a problem with it, but he doesn't play with their feelings either. He is so direct and clear with everyone he knows. It's a great quality in a person. But I don't think you are going to understand so I'm going to give up. I hope I am wrong about you, but to me, there are red flags all over you.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't have make the comment, but YOU said that you didn't mention it because you didn't want to be ultra-flamed. The next post you said you didn't think it was worth mentioning. Fine, whatever. But how do I know what to respond to? The above anon is right, You ARE all over the place. Not that I care. It's weird though.
Anon 2:07

Anonymous said...

think the fact that Walt was worried about being critiqued/ultra-flamed when he originally posted is very telling. It shows he knew he was doing something wrong. Whatever that is. I'm just not feeling like he is on the up and up any more. It's a shame. We all need a good male perspective.

Guy Friend seems like a good guy. Loverville tell him to post more! :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with JAC about Loverville. I think the fact that LV thinks that she is torn between two lovers is laughable. They can and probably will disappear shortly.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Gotta be positive for Loverville! It's too early to tell, but anything could happen. Besides I think she is trying to relate to our friend Walt here. She has a big heart.

Loverville said...

To JAC and Anon at 9:20: I never said I was "torn between two lovers" -- I DID say that these things have a way of working themselves out (which is another way of saying that one or both of them could drop out of the picture at any time in this early stage). Trust me, I'm being very realistic about the situation.

But thanks for your dose of optimism... much appreciated!

To Anon at 10:08: a serious (not sarcastic, see above) thank YOU for your kind words!

Walt: ignore the negative comments... enjoy your new relationship! Best of luck.

Anon at 7:16: I agree, Guy Friend needs to update us more! I'll let him know.

Anonymous said...

I have no problem with the info Walt originally posted. He was asking about two particular women and he felt he liked both of them equally. He didn't need to complicate his question with extraneous and irrelevant detail.

My view is that he didn't really like either of them enough for either to be long-lasting. Otherwise, he wouldn't have needed to ask the question. His answer would have been clear.

Which is proved by the fact that he has now disentangled himself from both of them and gone with somebody new. It is clear he likes the somebody new better than both of the others.

As a general point, if there are two people you can't decide between, that is just temporary. It will certainly work itself out with a little bit of time, once everyone gets further along in the "getting to know you" process.

Walt: Rock On and keep us informed on Number 3, who is, at least for now, your Number 1!


Anonymous said...

PS: Walt, if you think who does the asking is immaterial, you are just dead wrong. It never works for a girl to do the asking, except if the guy is a passive wimp.

PPS: I don't see why you are unable to tell the woman in Europe that you will no longer be seeing her. They have e-mail in Europe.

PPPS: I didn't mean to imply I thought LV actually believed she was torn between two lovers. I meant it facetiously....that this is so completely not a thing to worry about because it doesn't happen except in the top of the pops.


walt said...

Thanks LV. And you Anons are really too much!! I can only imagine what you would say if I had ACTUALLY been playing with women's feelings, lying to them, blowing them off, etc. I'm sure you'll somehow claim that I was doing that, but I'm not going to comment on this any further.

JAC - I wasn't suggesting that a woman ask a guy out on a first date, but after they've gone out a couple of times (as LV has with her two men), you don't think she can make a suggestion? Almost everyone I've dated who had a real interest in me has done this. My date this Saturday with M was completely her idea, and arranged by her. What's wrong with that?

Tiny E said...

I think the takeaway is that if there are least two good men still out there, there has to be more. I know that after a particularly difficult dating run that it feels like there can't possibly one decent person left on the planet. We all KNOW that's not true, but sometimes it just FEELS true. This is the reassurance that it isn't. Enjoy them both while you figure it out.

And is it just me, or does Anon @ 9:20 sound like someone I know . . .

Beth said...

"I know that after a particularly difficult dating run that it feels like there can't possibly one decent person left on the planet. We all KNOW that's not true, but sometimes it just FEELS true."

Wow, that's how I feel. I had no idea that was a normal feeling. Glad to know I'm not alone. I'm soooo mistrustful now of everyone. But I was Ms. Gullible though for a long time.

Walt, good luck to you. I kinda see what the anons were saying, but it was too much.

Anonymous said...

Hi Walt!

"My date this Saturday with M was completely her idea, and arranged by her. What's wrong with that?"

Nothing is wrong with that. But you are coming from the position of having chosen this one (over two others you also sort of liked but not as much). You are talking about a girl you already know you like best making a suggestion/asking you out. This is very different from what you said before. You have added a whole new specific context to a general statement.

A girl you have been dating a few times and like a lot asking you out is very different from generally a girl asking a guy out when they don't know each other much. In the latter case, it is not immaterial who does the asking out. If the girl does, it just doesn't work!

You are pleased M asked you out. But what if the other girl -- the one without e-mail in Europe -- asked you out? You would be less thrilled. The fact you have already chosen this one is the difference.


walt said...

Hi JAC - I agree with you that my situation with M is different. However, I stand by my view that there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out, and in fact I would recommend that they do it more often. So, we will just have to agree to disagree. However, I believe that most men will agree with me, while women will likely be split on the subject. A much-discussed subject in the dating world!

*Juliette* said...

" feels like there can't possibly one decent person left on the planet..."
I'm also at that point right now, after 40 dates in 10 months. I'm taking a much-needed break from dating for a few weeks because I don't want to become mistrustful of men or too skeptical of their motives.
Good for you LV for finding two good ones! And enjoy your trip. Will you be posting while you are abroad?