Saturday, May 30, 2009

The wake-up call: Martin

Just got back from a business trip – on my last night there, I had an epiphany.

I was faffing around on the internet, checking out what people were up to on Facebook – out of curiosity, I checked out Mr Recurring’s page. I check out his page every so often to see if he’s still engaged to soon-to-be Mrs Recurring. So far, it appears that that’s still the case, with the wedding just a few weeks away. Allegedly.

I think there’s a part of me that wants to see that they’ve broken up. Not because I want to be with him… maybe I’m just a little jealous of these two people who seem so ecstatic to have found each other, and I just crave that feeling so much. I don’t even realize I’m craving it until I go to his (then her) Facebook page, and see all the updates (the first get-together with mutual friends, talk of moving in together), the happy photos together, gazing into each other’s eyes (well, THAT one is a bit puke-worthy).

So, this epiphany: I realized that if I want to find someone who is totally crazy about me, maybe I shouldn’t be wasting time with guys who AREN’T crazy about me. My best friend D will be the first to remind me of this: any night I spend on a date with someone like Martin is a night I could be potentially be going out with someone with whom there’s a future. Rocket science, I know.

I’ve been on the fence regarding how much I like Martin, pondering how right he is for me. One factor that’s pushing him further into the “not right” column: he’s been rather inconsistent. Before we both left on our trips, he told me he’d miss me – and yet we only exchanged one brief, not-very-warm text while I was away. Actions much louder than words, see?

Just tonight, a week and a half after our last brief text exchange, he texted me to say “hi” – at 1:30 am. Really, dude?

Alas, I think he needs to be 86’d. I’m going to miss the good chemistry, but I think it’s more important to focus on someone who may have potential.

What timing – I just read this on Evan Mark Katz’s website:
What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters - if you want a healthy relationship - is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

Thanks for the reminder, EMK.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Bon voyage

Once again – not much of an update. Actually – scratch that – the update is that while my usual M.O. is that I stress excessively about guys and dating, and struggle with loneliness – lately I’ve been (mostly) the opposite of that (an exception outlined below). I'm feeling quite dating-ambivalent of late -- could be work stress (I have a business trip coming up this week), combined with the excitement of a very cool vacation I'm planning with a friend next month.

As mentioned above, I'm not 100% dating-stress-free. There was this one night last week: Martin and I spent a fun Sunday day and evening together, and we next talked a few days later. He was going to be leaving town the following weekend, and I was about to embark on a business trip -- this meant that if we didn't see each other again before our respective trips, it would be another two weeks before we'd be able to get together.

When we talked about making plans sometime that week (correction: when I talked about making plans) the only night that seemingly would have worked for both of us didn't work for him, he said, because he needed that night to pack for his trip. The night in question was *two* days before his trip. Harrumph!

Right after we hung up, my brain reeled -- hm, he must not like me that much if he's willing to pass up one last night with me before we both go out of town. I started a mental list of all the other signs that he was no longer that into me: I couldn't recall the last time he'd told me he thought I was beautiful, like he did in the beginning. It seemed that his texts were more of a subtle sexual tone of late, not romantic.

Then -- just as quickly as I turned on the crazy -- the switch went off once I put myself in his shoes: not long after, a friend asked to make plans for Sunday, and I said it would be difficult, as I had to pack for my trip... two days away. Oh. Maybe it also didn't hurt that Martin and I had a lovely conversation the night before his trip, and he told me he'd miss me, and gave some thoughtful advice when I told him about some family drama I was having.

So. The only thing I really know right now is that I don't really know anything!

Oh -- last time I wrote that I still had Mr Easy in the picture, but "probably not for much longer". We've had another date since, and had a great time - I enjoy his company, and at the moment, can't think of a reason to not date him. So he's still in the picture as well.

Enjoy your long holiday weekend -- updates to come when I'm back in town.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Nice and easy (?)

A month or so ago I wrote that there were two guys in the picture: Mr Easy and Martin. I liked them both, but knew that these things have a way of working themselves out, so I didn’t stress over the notion that I’d have to choose one over the other.

Update: I’m still seeing both of them, but I’ve been seeing Martin more frequently and have been more intimate with him – it just feels like a more natural connection. Actually, this is the most fun I've had with a guy in a long time.

And yet? I'm not stressing about "how-much-does-he-like-me" / "where-is-this-going" -- and the fact that I'm NOT stressing about this is throwing me off a bit! That's not my usual M.O. -- when I like a guy, I analyze it inside-out, upside-down til the cows come home, dammit!

Maybe I'm not stressing (yet) because:
1. maybe I'm not sure how much I like him at this early stage?
2. maybe because he's been reliable so far -- calls regularly (he's much more of a phone person than an e-mail person), and texts to let me know he's looking forward to seeing me again, etc.
3. maybe because -- *gasp* -- I'm getting older and wiser and am realizing that I DON'T have to stress about these things because I'm not 16 and waiting for a guy to ask me to the prom?
4. maybe, just maybe it's because I kind of, sort of still have Mr Easy in the picture -- but probably not for much longer.

Oh -- Martin also casually dropped in a phone conversation that he was recently out with a friend who happened to be a bit of a player, but by contrast, he's more of a relationship guy. Good to know.

Anyway -- give me a few more weeks with this guy and I'm sure I'll be back to my usual overthinking, overly-analytical self.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Holy crap! Newsflash!

Some of you may remember -- in March I wrote about a guy with whom I had three good dates (so I thought) -- Mr. Recurring. But he met another woman during that time, and decided he wanted to be exclusive with her. End of story.

Today, I found myself thinking about the qualities that I liked in a guy -- smart, sophisticated, well-traveled -- and remembered that he had those qualities. Hm, wonder if they've broken up yet, I thought to myself? So I checked his Facebook page (he's not a FB friend, but has no security blocks to prevent non-friends from reading all the details).

Guess what?!! They're ENGAGED! Not only engaged -- they're getting married in June, only three months after meeting for the first time! (I know this for a fact because she and I share a mutual acquaintance)

I'm not bothered by this on a personal level -- please, he and I only had three dates -- but I'm just gobsmacked at the stupidity of this! Why the rush?

Anyway, best of luck to them -- and thanks for providing great blog fodder!