Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Date #135: DogMan

As Tiny E recently stated -- the best way to forget about someone is to go out with someone else. I did that tonight, and didn't think about Martin for a nanosecond.

Last night (post-breakup, post-karaoke) I forked over the $39.99 to subscribe to J-date again, my first time in months. I had kept my profile active the past few months, but since I wasn't a paying member, I couldn't read emails that were sent to me. Last night I played a bit of catch-up, writing back to guys who had written to me months ago.

After a few email exchanges, one of them IMd me today. I'm not much of an IM-er, but the timing was perfect -- I was in the process of responding to his email. Some nice chit chat, and next thing I knew, we had a date planned for tonight. (he's going out of town this weekend, and we had conflicting schedules for the rest of the week) He seemed just semi-decent looking in his pics, but I have to admit that I was partially won over by his adorable dog.

We met for a drink at a cocktail bar with good lighting -- very happy surprise, he was much cuter than his pics. (but not *too* cute to be intimidating) Interesting, smart, funny guy -- spent some time living abroad, which is always a plus. The time flew -- we both looked at our watches at one point and were shocked to see it was 11 pm -- we met at 8:30.

He walked me home, and there definitely would have been the opportunity for him to give me a nice kiss goodnight -- but he didn't. Even his body language at the bar earlier kept changing -- sometimes he'd face me, sometimes he'd face away a bit.

It would be nice to see him again, but I won't be heartbroken if I don't. He made a reference to "next time" we get together -- so we'll see.

I'm guessing -- if a guy doesn't grab the opportunity to kiss me at the end of the night when we're just chatting in front of my place -- chances are, he's just not that into me. Thoughts?
PS -- Just had to add this -- this email just came in from some new guy:
I like your profile so if the feeling is mutual, and you don't always wear that orange/red lipstick (sorry, just not a big fan of lipstick in general) then feel free to say hi sometime.

Dillhole! Dude needs some charm lessons.


midnite99 said...

Yay for new dates, yay for potential! Sometimes a guy won't go in for the first-date-kiss because he's not sure *you* want him to go in, sometimes he's just not sure he wants to. Hard to know until you see what happens next. As always, it seems like you have a great attitude!

And while I don't actually think you should waste a nanosecond on Lipstick Dude, part of me thinks you should e-mail him, arrange a date, and show up wearing either super-red or goth-black lipstick, just for kicks. ;)

walt said...

Hey - I think the best first kiss is an unpredictable one, not the boring goodnight kiss, so I wouldn't go for it at the end of a first date and might wait for a more opportune time on the second date. So, don't read too much into the lack of a goodnight kiss.

I don't like lipstick either, but you can't say that in an email!

Anonymous said...

Yay for you for getting right back in the game!

Don't overthink the no kiss thing -I think a lot of guys are either shy about that, want it to be natural or unforced (kind of like Walt said) or just actually like to wait a bit. It might be a sign of courtly, gentlemanly behavior. Or he might not be into you. Only time will tell. But don't write him off just on that. I'm glad you had a great time, it is the best way to get past weasels!

Elizabeth (anon from yesterday - forgot to sign my name)

Lost said...

I'm in agreement with everyone who has commented.

I really like Midnite99's idea of showing up with Non-lipstick guy and wearing tons of it.

Funny idea in theory, but I'd just cast him off as an asshole. Way to already control a woman, jerk!

Samantha said...

I definitely think you are reading too much into the no kiss thing. I don't think it means anything either way. Try looking at it from the guy's point of view - it takes balls to lean in for that first kiss, right? So if the guy was into you, then that means he cares what your response would be and that means he actually has something to lose if you reject the kiss. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to get the guts up enough to move in and possibly be rejected, especially if you like the girl.

Anonymous said...

The kiss thing is meaningless. Whether he contacts you for a second date is what counts.

I don't think the lipstick guy sounds too awful, at least on the basis of that one comment. He might be, but you cannot tell that from the info provided.

I think you are feeling particularly irritable because your lack of success is getting to you and you are feeling battle fatigue. Completely understandable. I know what that's like! I immediately assume every man will disappoint me in some way. Either he won't be as good as I want him to be, or he is but he is uninterested. It is exhausting indeed!


Tiny E said...

Woo hoo! Thanks for the shout out.

I agree with everyone else about the kiss. No biggie. Have you heard from him yet? That's the test.

As for the lipstick comment? Douche. No, it's not a lot of information to go on but it does tell me that he's picky, rigid and controlling. Not someone I'd really want to date.

And yes, men are allowed to hate lipstick but, unless you want to be judged, you're not allowed to condition a first date on its absence.

Anonymous said...

RE: lipstick

I once made it clear to an internet guy that I disliked facial hair, and asked if he would be willing to get rid of it for a woman he loved.

He (somehow!) misinterpreted this to believe I was telling him to shave off his beard.

That was not what I meant at all! I meant: Was he flexible enough to bend when it was important. Because if there were a man I loved, I wouldn't care if he had facial hair. Even though I don't like it. Some things are important and some things are not. The item (facial hair, lipstick, etc) is not important, but the willingness to negotiate is.

Needless to say, this guy and I never met.

(We spoke on the phone, and he still didn't get my point. I am generous enough to allow for the possibility that maybe I wasn't making myself clear! Maybe it was my fault he didn't understand!)

The lipstick guy didn't condition the date on the absence of lipstick. He was merely expressing a preference and throwing the ball back in LV's court. He was seeing whether LV would be flexible. Her response could have been: You sound great and I am negotiable about lipstick.

It wasn't, and that's fine. Chances are remote that they would have ended up in marital bliss. But I am not rigid enough to believe that lipstick guy's words give enough information to cross him off the list. (Further correspondence or a phone conversation might do that. But not this one comment.)


The Dauntless Dater said...

I wouldn't take a no kiss on the first date to mean no interest. It seems like a lot of online daters wait at least until the second date.

Love the email you got! Some guys are such morons!

Loverville said...

Right now, I'm not thinking *so* much about the kiss -- when I wrote that, that was an immediate response, just after the date.

True -- what matters is, will he get in touch? He hasn't yet, but it's still early -- we'll see.

Re: lipstick guy -- my feeling is, why put a negative out there right off the bat? That would be like me writing to a guy and saying, "hey, you seem cool, but if we meet up, I hope you don't wear that hair gel". You just have to accept someone for who they are (at least at first!). Even then, maybe months down the road, a nicer approach would be, "hey, that lighter lipgloss you wore today looked really pretty" -- positive reinforcement.

Hm. This could be an interesting social experiement! Maybe I WILL write back just to see what he's like! Stay tuned...

Anonymous said...

I agree that starting off with a negative is not the most agreeable or encouraging way for this guy to correspond with you.

But maybe he himself is suffering from dating fatigue? Maybe it is his way of screening, like to see how you react? His tone was otherwise fine. Maybe he is just being straightforward and honest, which I understand is a huge complaint of people doing online dating. ("He lied! I thought he was 6 feet tall with a full head of hair, a $200K salary and a liking for red lipstick!")

If -- BIG IF -- you were to get together with this guy and be together months down the road, I would hope you would no longer need to sugarcoat your likes and dislikes, and you would be laughing about the lipstick thing.

Again, I understand your original view, and the view of those commenters who agree his approach makes him a bad bet. But I don't think that is a sole reason to cross him off the list. I am sure you can find a better reason!


Ferris said...

First kiss didn't happen because he was afraid you would reject. Guy wouldn't have a lengthy conversation with you at your door unless he was interested... Guys don't bother with much unless they are interested.

Anonymous said...

LV you are getting porn spam. Yuck!


Loverville said...

JAC, thanks for the tip! I hadn't noticed that... it's gone.

Anonymous said...

LV, I'm all for social experiments, but is this one really worth your while?

Here's the thing, for all of you out there who've never had the pleasure of meeting LV in person: her smile is nothing short of incandescent. In other words, if a man looks at her smile and all he notices -- let alone comments on! -- is a shade of lipstick somehow unpleasing to him, well, that reveals something fundamental about his character.

Pass on this one, my dear.

mimi of 'sexagenarian and the city' said...


the comment from "American Girl"
is spam.

as for the lipstick guy, i'd be tempted to write back, "Your profile is great, but do you always wear that head?"

Anonymous said...

There is another thing off-putting about lipstick guy- he says "fee free to say hi." If he is contacting you, he should initiate some kind of exchange! Like ask a question to try to get to know you better, or even, "how was your weekend?" All he did was state a general "liking" of your profile and then made a somewhat negative remark. I suppose I can see the point someone else made about wanting to see if you'd be flexible, but I think it's really distasteful to "test" someone in an initial email. There was nothing light-hearted or fun about this email. Next!

Filipina Girl said...

I absolutely love your date series writings. Hope to read more for date #138 and so on and so forth. ;)