Sunday, September 27, 2009

Oy oy oy

I need to do something about Insta-BF soon. It seems like he's getting in deeper, while I'm sliding further away from him.

Time for a pros / cons list:

* He's sweet.
* He dotes upon me.
* He's reliable.
* When we have schedule conflicts, he tells me that he'll be the luckiest man in the world if he can take me out to dinner that week.
* We have pretty good chemistry, though I feel that it's starting to wane a bit on my end.
* We met in a "real life" situation, and have lots of mutual friends.
* Very open communication -- though maybe a little too open.

* He's unsettled -- he's in between jobs AND apartments right now. Currently crashing on a cousin's couch.
* He has a bit of an immature streak -- he has a tendency to mock other people. I've called him on this.
* other issues that I just can't go into here, of the "unsettled" nature. Just trust me on this.
* I'm going to sound elitist by saying this, but there's just a certain lack of sophistication. (and maybe I lack sophistication just by saying that -- so be it).

The other night, we were texting back and forth, trying to decide if we should meet at a mutual friend's party, or meet at my place and travel there together -- he mentioned that he wanted to come to my place first, because he wanted to talk.

Oh shit -- the talk! I was filled with dread -- really, were we going to have to do this right before going to a party together? Was he going to ask what I thought about "us"? I had a pit in my stomach for the next few hours until he arrived.

It turns out he was simply having some family issues, and just needed to vent to someone. Whew. But later, I realized that we really DO need to talk about "us", soon. I enjoy his company, but I'm not sure I see a future here -- meanwhile, he's already made references to birthday gifts he wants to buy for me, with my birthday being a few months away.

Ugh. I wondered about the feasibility of doing a gradual fade-away (don't initiate contact, take my time in replying, etc) -- but I think this situation will require A Talk after all. I have a very full week ahead with work and social engagements, so I'm considering having this talk over the phone. Face-to-face would be preferable, but I'm not sure we can get together before the weekend, and there's a chance we may both be going to our mutual friend's lake house over the weekend.

One of my social engagements this week is a date with Smooch. I'm excited to see him again -- our previous (first) date was over a month ago. His recent e-mails have been smart and funny, and I have a feeling our next date will follow along those lines.

Any advice regarding Insta-BF is most welcome. What would YOU do in this situation?


*Juliette* said...

My advice is to NOT talk before the weekend. When you do see him again, you can assess the situation. Ask a few good friends who will be there for their objective opinion of how much he's into you.
And, relax and enjoy all the attention!

mimi of sexagenarian and the city said...

I like the idea of a fadeout, perhaps not too gradual a one, *and* a talk! In the meantime, let him call all the shots, and see if the change in your energy level registers with him. But sooner or later, perhaps this weekend, you do need to Talk.

The most important thing is not to waste any more time worrying about him this week. He's almost'll let him down politely but firmly.

And meanwhile, hope things go well w. Smooch and any others in the pipeline.

jgo said...

Are you saying you want to dump him or you dont know yet? I think you should decide that first.

You could also try clarifying the status... saying something like, "I feel like things are moving too fast and Id just like to keep this casual now."

Either way, good luck!

Loverville said...

Here's the thing: I really don't know what I want to do about him right now! I do like his company, but I see this as more of a fun, temporary thing - I don't see him as someone I'd want to be with long term.

JGO, your advice feels appropriate. I'll give him the option: if he still wants to date casually, great. If he'd rather call it off, I'll understand. But I think I'll hold off on the talk as long as possible...

Asian dating said...

If you do not really feel a spark between the two of you then you should completely talk and air out your real feelings towards him especially if he is taking your situation seriously like absolutely wanting you to be his girlfriend. If you do like his company then staying friends with him is the best option. Just take things slowly, enjoy the attention and have fun with it!

Best of luck ;)

Anonymous said...

I have an Insta-BF situation...well...HAD. On paper, he seemed perfect, until I really began to scratch the surface.

I ended it...but I "ended" it the cowardly way. I took the not returning calls/texts route. I did not have the adult talk with him because I didn't know what to say, and I didn't think he would really understand.

My point are going to have to do what makes you the most comfortable. Do what you know you can live with.

Good luck!