Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Date #150: Claudius Interruptus

A wise person once told me: the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Ok -- I'm not rushing to get "under" anyone (or on top of him, etc) in the immediate future. But when I sensed that things were beginning to go downhill with Smiley this past weekend, I went into my Jdate archives and re-emailed a few guys with whom I'd previously lost contact.

One was Claudius -- name explanation will soon become apparent. His emails were funny and pleasant, and he was nice and smiley in the pics -- but in person, on tonight's date? I was considering blog-naming him Dour Dan, but I think Claudius Interruptus is more appropriate. I couldn't tell a fricking story without him interrupting me with his story. eg, he told me all about his marathon running, then asked if I'd ever run a marathon. I said I did a skate marathon, and before I could continue, he jumped in: "oh, I do roller hockey at Chelsea Piers, it's really different than ice hockey, blah blah blah".

And .. the Dour Dan name came from his negative take on just about everything: the false patriotism in this country since 9/11, he won't go to China because he heard they eat cats there, etc. "How can I go someplace that eats kittens?" I said they probably focus more on full-grown cats -- more meat. I don't think he found that very amusing.


Monday, December 28, 2009

Gray clouds, coming and going and coming

Let me start this on a sunny note: the fabulous Mimi invited me to her place for a lovely Christmas Day brunch (my family does a very casual Jewish Christmas Eve get-together -- ie, we just sit around and eat all day). I not only met her mom and a few friends -- I met the famous Funny Guy! He IS funny -- and charming and smart, as you might expect. They look so happy together, and I'm thrilled for them.

I wrote this on Saturday:
Thanks again for your words of support re: the situation with New Guy. Deep down, I still don’t think he’s a bad guy – but at this point, it feels rather pointless to try to continue a friendship with him. If I have even an inkling of feelings for him (which I guess I do, considering my reaction to the news about his girlfriend having their baby) – then I can only imagine how awful it would be to eventually MEET this girlfriend (and baby, in the future).

It’s as if a strong wind came along and blew away that dark cloud I was under – thankfully, it only lasted about 24 hours (and was exacerbated from the lousy night of sleep I had that night). I’m pretty much fine now – the funk has lifted. Life goes on!

In other news (also written on Saturday):

I have a feeling Smiley will soon be history. (hm, yet another one-month “relationship”, following Capt Awesome). I knew more or less from the start that he wasn’t looking for anything serious (he’s currently unemployed and considering a career transition, and needs to focus on himself right now). For a little while, I figured, we’re having such a good time, so it’s OK – a part of me was thinking, in a few months’ time he’ll have a job, and we’ll have grown closer, and all will be fabulous. We were spending so much time together that it certainly felt like the makings of a relationship.

But now – the little signs that he’s just not for me are adding up, and I’m finally paying attention to them. He can be very sweet and lovely – but he can also go on these 15-minute soliloquies, talking about whatever subject interests him at the moment (a certain type of music or the intricasies of brewing beer), without gauging MY interest. I do listen, and try to give input – but sometimes it’s just a bit much, a bit self-absorbed. I didn’t mind at first, but the fact that I DO now is quite telling. Just one example.

Even more telling: I’ve noticed that he seems a bit less into “us” than on previous dates. The last time or two I saw him (we had dinner a few nights ago), he didn’t seem as affectionate as in the past. I haven’t decided yet if we should have “the talk”, or if this will die of natural causes. Will feel it out.

Seeing Quentin again tonight – and even more exciting, I’m meeting his dog! I have a serious case of dog envy, as I can’t have one in my apartment. I’m sure I’ll absolutely adore his pooch, which will surely only garner points for me.

Today's update:
I did have the talk with Smiley after all -- you know when something is just building up inside you, and you just have to get it out? Yes -- that.

I don't have the energy to go into details right now, but to sum it up: same issue as from the start -- I want something serious, and he doesn't. There was more to it -- it was a very sweet, open, honest talk -- why do these talks usually seem to come at the end? Seriously.

We were at his place, and he asked if I'd like to spend one last night together -- I did. I'm having trouble putting this into words (maybe because I'm crying... again!), but it might have been the most romantic, warmest, most affectionate time we've had together. Saying goodbye this morning was quite bittersweet. We talked about maybe hanging out every so often, and he said he'd follow my lead -- but that might be tough, emotionally. We'll see.

Oh, how cliched, not appreciating something til it's gone! Or -- maybe it's just wanting what you can't have? Or both? I think I'm extra-emotional right now from not sleeping well, combined with a hefty dose of PMS -- what a lethal combination! AND combined with overall dating frustration / fatigue -- oy!

Then there's Quentin -- we had another date over the weekend. I met the dog, who was sweet as anything. But later, kissing Quentin, I realized -- we don't have very good kissing chemistry. Can't explain it... and I felt terrible, as I couldn't help but think of the wonderful chemistry I have (had) with Smiley. Anyway, it's not a deal-breaker. These things can sometimes work themselves out. Not sure if / when I'll see him again.

It's been a rough week. 2010 can only be better!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


A few weeks ago, I wrote this:

Blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...

New Guy and I wound up canceling those plans that night -- we were both exhausted from work -- and rescheduled for tonight. Being the wonderful, thoughtful person he is, he brought a belated birthday present for me. We had our usual, easy, fun banter about everything and nothing.

Until seemingly, out of nowhere, he mentioned that he had moved out of his place. Then came the news that he had moved in with his girlfriend (when I last saw him in June, he still wasn't quite ready for a "serious" relationship with her, even though he felt that he couldn't date anyone else).

Then -- the really big news -- they're expecting a baby together. It wasn't planned, but at the same time, he's excited about it. And this has made him really want to work on a healthy relationship with her, so they can be the best parents they can be for this baby.

I was rendered speechless. I told him I was very happy for him, gave my congratulations, and all that. I then walked home in a stupor. The second I walked through my door, the dramatic, heaving sobs began, and I went through a big pile of tissues.

One good thing, I guess (because it's all about "me", right?) -- at least now I can really, truly, officially close that door. I mean... it's actually been closed for a while. But now it's sealed firmly shut. I'm sure another will open... soon, I hope.

Smiley is still in the picture, still moving along as we were: seeing quite a bit of each other, but moving at a reasonable pace. Slow and steady. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, but am SO happy I already have the day planned with a friend first -- it would have been tough to go straight to a date with him without having a chance to properly rehash this news about New Guy first.

Then there's Quentin -- we had that second date last week (and a first kiss). Another date is set for this weekend.


Ok -- I just have to admit to myself that it's OK to be sad about New Guy. It's hard to describe here, but he's just one of the most amazing, remarkable, smartest, sweetest, most considerate guys I've ever met. Maybe I've inflated him in my mind because of his unattainability -- who knows.

I think a big part of my sadness is, in fact, frustration: I just want to meet someone fabulous, who also thinks I'm fabulous. It's just taking way too long.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Smiley, Quentin and Flirt

When I last wrote, I mentioned that I'd been out twice with someone as-yet-unnamed. I'm at a loss for a really creative blog name for him, so let's just call him Smiley. It's appropriate - he has a lovely smile that he flashes often. Suffice to say, I like this guy. He's smart and thoughtful, and we just seem to fit well together.

In the past three weeks, we've hung out quite a lot. We've been to parties together, we've cooked, we've become Facebook friends, we've smooched, etc. It was starting to feel a bit relationship-y, but I had to keep reminding myself: it's only been a few weeks. Seven (or eight?) dates does not a boyfriend make.

To try to keep the crazy at a manageable level, I thought it best to still see other guys. I had a date with a guy I'll call Quentin (#149) - he bears a strong resemblance to Tarantino (just a little better-looking). I was very much in a "Smiley" mindset when I met him, and while I thought he was a cool guy, I didn't exactly emit strong liking vibes his way. Regardless, he emailed the next day that he'd had a nice time, and we should hang out again soon.

I know myself -- I tend to get a bit too emotionally invested in a new guy too soon. I'm mindful of that, and have been doing my best to keep that in check with Smiley. With that in mind, I wrote back to Quentin: yes, let's plan another date soon. (second date is planned for later this week). However, I felt that I was just going through the motions, that this was something I "should" do, rather than something I was excited about doing.

And well -- I'm glad that my brain took the lead for once, rather than my heart. Smiley and I had a talk a few days ago (we'd had quite a bit of wine, so the details are fuzzy) -- it wasn't set up as "the talk", but we did cover some important ground: namely, that since he's in between jobs right now, he feels that he needs to get his life in order before he can really think about a relationship.

I'd had a feeling this might be the case, having been in similar situations before (see: Teen Crush, two years ago -- and there have been others). It's actually kind of a relief to know where we stand -- I feel that I can go on other dates with a clear conscience now. Before the talk, I had felt, by default, that we were on a relationship track – now, this actually makes me take a step back and assume nothing – just enjoy moment by moment. (which I should have been doing anyway... )


That could also be the reason I found myself kissing Flirt last night. I met Flirt through a mutual friend a few years ago, and while we sometimes wind up kissing in the corner of a party, we've never actually "dated".

We discovered through Facebook that we were both taking part in yesterday's SantaCon madness, and by coincidence, found ourselves in the same part of town at the same time. Our groups merged, and we spent the rest of the day (and evening) bar-hopping together. I can't remember when we started kissing -- it just seemed to happen.

Many hours (and drinks) later, my friend Red said she simply couldn't understand why Flirt and I aren't a couple: we're both great people, with similar interests, etc. For one, he's currently living in California -- so there's that. I guess I just never thought of him "that" way. Maybe it was the booze talking, but he and I decided that if / when he moves back to NY, if we're both available, we should give this a shot.


Last time I wrote that it seemed the mutual fade-away was happening with Capt Awesome, aka Ralph Furley. I finally decided: we'd been dating for a month -- I DID want some acknowledgment of "us" being no more. I emailed him that it seemed we were on the same page -- that we'd had a nice time, but sometimes these things just don't work out, but I thought he was a lovely person. He wrote back a similar message. I felt satisfied to have that closure.

Happy Hanukkah!