Wednesday, December 23, 2009


A few weeks ago, I wrote this:

Blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...

New Guy and I wound up canceling those plans that night -- we were both exhausted from work -- and rescheduled for tonight. Being the wonderful, thoughtful person he is, he brought a belated birthday present for me. We had our usual, easy, fun banter about everything and nothing.

Until seemingly, out of nowhere, he mentioned that he had moved out of his place. Then came the news that he had moved in with his girlfriend (when I last saw him in June, he still wasn't quite ready for a "serious" relationship with her, even though he felt that he couldn't date anyone else).

Then -- the really big news -- they're expecting a baby together. It wasn't planned, but at the same time, he's excited about it. And this has made him really want to work on a healthy relationship with her, so they can be the best parents they can be for this baby.

I was rendered speechless. I told him I was very happy for him, gave my congratulations, and all that. I then walked home in a stupor. The second I walked through my door, the dramatic, heaving sobs began, and I went through a big pile of tissues.

One good thing, I guess (because it's all about "me", right?) -- at least now I can really, truly, officially close that door. I mean... it's actually been closed for a while. But now it's sealed firmly shut. I'm sure another will open... soon, I hope.

Smiley is still in the picture, still moving along as we were: seeing quite a bit of each other, but moving at a reasonable pace. Slow and steady. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, but am SO happy I already have the day planned with a friend first -- it would have been tough to go straight to a date with him without having a chance to properly rehash this news about New Guy first.

Then there's Quentin -- we had that second date last week (and a first kiss). Another date is set for this weekend.


Ok -- I just have to admit to myself that it's OK to be sad about New Guy. It's hard to describe here, but he's just one of the most amazing, remarkable, smartest, sweetest, most considerate guys I've ever met. Maybe I've inflated him in my mind because of his unattainability -- who knows.

I think a big part of my sadness is, in fact, frustration: I just want to meet someone fabulous, who also thinks I'm fabulous. It's just taking way too long.


Anonymous said...

Oh no - I'm sorry! I don't care how great he is, or how ok you are with it, that is such a rotten feeling.

I'm sure he's great but frankly, he's a little insensitive to have dropped it on you that way (gift and everything?!) without giving you a heads up. On the good side -at least he obviously had no idea how you felt, so you can "save face".

Good for you for holding it together graciously until you got home.

Glad you have a couple of other prospects to at least keep you from wallowing too thoroughly. Hope they provide some fun/entertainment over the holidays!


mimi of sexagenarian and the city said...

I'm upset, too -- that New Guy went out for dinner with you without beforehand making his situation clear. That doesn't bode well for his relationship w. his baby's mother....and by the way, is he marrying her?

Whenever anyone has told me I've "dodged a bullet," I've hated the phrase, but that may be the case here.

Hang in there. I'm rooting for you.


Dating Trooper said...

Hi there LV,
Wow are you ever justified in having a sobfest over that little bomb. I agree with Mimi, he made a serious error in judgment in how he told you. And you deserve to wallow for just a little bit before picking yourself back up and keeping fighting the good fight. I know you will.

This news also confirms my belief that most men who are still single at this stage in their lives (I assume late 30s, early 40s?) probably need a push to commit. Like a baby. That being said, most respectable women wouldn't feel comfortable with that kind of heavy shove. Frustrating to say the least.

Hang in there girl.

Loverville said...

Thanks for all the lovely words of encouragement, all!

Here's the thing: is it better to be told that sort of thing via email / phone... or in person? Also: we're "technically" just friends, and have been for a while. I'm sure he has *some* clue that I have feelings for him, not sure how much.

DT, to answer your question, he's in his early 40s. And Mimi, I asked if they'd be getting married -- it sounds like at some point, yes.

After a restless night of sleep, feeling a bit better so far... no sobbing (yet!) today! :)

Thanks again... it really is cathartic to get this out there, and get this response.

Anonymous said...

This totally sucks.

To be objective: It sounds that he likes you a lot, he just likes her more. Or, rather, he is attracted to her more.

To be predictive: I would assume they will be married within two years. Why wouldn't they be? What would split them up at this point? Only a seriously disabled or medically fragile child, to be blunt.

Even if the pregnancy wasn't planned on his part, it probably was planned on hers, or at least not unplanned. If she really didn't want to be pregnant, she knows how to prevent it. From what he told you, he is fine with it, even if it is taking him a bit of time to warm to the idea.

I am so sorry. I know how much this hurts.

Simone Grant said...

Wow, that completely sucks. FWIW, I completely agree with the others. He should have disclosed his new relationship + baby on the way much earlier and the fact that he didn't makes him out to be kinda a jerk.

It's so easy to inflate how wonderful someone is once they become unattainable. We all do it. In this case, try focusing on how mad you'd be if you were his new, pregnant gf sitting at home while he was out having dinner with a girl he used to date. That's what I'd do.

You deserve better.

CoatMan said...

Hope that a new door will open soon? Haven't you just described two potentially open doors in this very post? Best wishes for both of them!