Blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)
Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...
New Guy and I wound up canceling those plans that night -- we were both exhausted from work -- and rescheduled for tonight. Being the wonderful, thoughtful person he is, he brought a belated birthday present for me. We had our usual, easy, fun banter about everything and nothing.
Until seemingly, out of nowhere, he mentioned that he had moved out of his place. Then came the news that he had moved in with his girlfriend (when I last saw him in June, he still wasn't quite ready for a "serious" relationship with her, even though he felt that he couldn't date anyone else).
Then -- the really big news -- they're expecting a baby together. It wasn't planned, but at the same time, he's excited about it. And this has made him really want to work on a healthy relationship with her, so they can be the best parents they can be for this baby.
I was rendered speechless. I told him I was very happy for him, gave my congratulations, and all that. I then walked home in a stupor. The second I walked through my door, the dramatic, heaving sobs began, and I went through a big pile of tissues.
One good thing, I guess (because it's all about "me", right?) -- at least now I can really, truly, officially close that door. I mean... it's actually been closed for a while. But now it's sealed firmly shut. I'm sure another will open... soon, I hope.
Smiley is still in the picture, still moving along as we were: seeing quite a bit of each other, but moving at a reasonable pace. Slow and steady. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, but am SO happy I already have the day planned with a friend first -- it would have been tough to go straight to a date with him without having a chance to properly rehash this news about New Guy first.
Then there's Quentin -- we had that second date last week (and a first kiss). Another date is set for this weekend.
Ok -- I just have to admit to myself that it's OK to be sad about New Guy. It's hard to describe here, but he's just one of the most amazing, remarkable, smartest, sweetest, most considerate guys I've ever met. Maybe I've inflated him in my mind because of his unattainability -- who knows.
I think a big part of my sadness is, in fact, frustration: I just want to meet someone fabulous, who also thinks I'm fabulous. It's just taking way too long.