Saturday, January 30, 2010

Sunday weigh-in, re-Match, and Mr 2010 is OUT

Today is the end of Week One of our "lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks" challenge -- how did everyone do??

I'm happy to report that I'm down exactly one pound -- this morning's weigh-in was 143, yay! It would have been better - I started off the week eating like a wee little sparrow, and ended with several dinners out where I stuffed myself silly. But as long as I'm heading in the right direction, I'll take it. Next week will be even better.

*********

And yes, I've got a few boy updates!

Mr 2010:
The short version is that he called (after I previously wrote him off), and we have plans for tomorrow.

The long version: yes, he called -- but after I called him first and left a message. I know, I should have waited for him to get back to me after he last texted me (a week before) that he was crazed with work. Anyway. I decided to be proactive / impatient.

When we talked, I felt like an awkward teenager, nervously chattering away to fill in the pauses. He apologized for having been out of touch (due to work), and asked immediately if I was free this weekend. He said he'd come up with a fun plan for us, and would touch base before then.

I have a tendency to not let my dates do much of the planning -- I keep a running list of bars and restaurants I want to try, or favorites I like to return to - but I've been trying to change this about myself. So tomorrow -- no suggestions will be coming from me. It's in his hands.

However, I'm not 100% convinced this date will actually happen tomorrow. Watch this space for an update about 24 hours from now! Or even earlier if it's 7 pm Sunday, and I've not yet heard from him -- this time, I am ABSOLUTELY waiting for him to contact me to confirm the evening.

Dog Man:
Named for his adorable canine companion, not because of his looks -- he's good-looking in a nice-Jewish-guy-from-NY way, which is my usual "type".

The funny story is, Dog Man and I first started communicating a looong time ago on Jdate -- maybe two or three years ago? -- but for whatever reason, we never met. We even became Facebook friends. At one point, I even tried to set him up with a friend (it never happened -- he was seeing someone at the time).

I recently re-joined Match (more on that in a minute), and came across his profile -- I immediately wondered, why did we never meet up? He's smart, cute, interesting, well-traveled -- just like me! :)

I wrote to him -- he wrote back -- we exchanged numbers, and had that first conversation today. Not a second of awkwardness -- it was a fun, easy conversation. A half-hour later, we had plans in place for this week. It's not every day that you go into a first date feeling predisposed to liking someone. I even feel like I want to talk to him again before then, but I'm going to just chill and sit on my hands til I hear from him again.

Smiley:
I wrote the last time that I probably shouldn't see him for a while. Looks like he feels the same way, because I haven't heard a peep from him since we last saw each other last weekend. Just as well. I'm not at all angry at him, and I don't miss him (the way I did when we first ended things). I guess I was just ready for that door to be closed.

Match:
I gave in. A few weeks of abstaining from online dating, and I was ready to dive in again. In the past I've done Jdate, Nerve, Plenty of (stinky) Fish, Ok Cupid (ack)... as well as Match. It had been a few years since I'd been on Match, and I was ready to give it another shot.

IMPORTANT! If you're thinking of joining one of these sites, CALL their customer service department, rather than joining online. By doing that, I saved 30% off a three-month plan. A friend recently did the same thing with Jdate.

Wow. I'm already noticing a big difference between the last time I did Match (about two years ago) to now. I just turned 40, and I'm not getting the same avalanche of emails that I did in the past. I know 40+ women bemoan this fact all over the blogosphere... but when it happens to you firsthand, it's a big wakeup call. And I refuse to lie about my age - let's see how long that lasts!

Of the seven guys I've written to so far, I've only heard back from one. Of the 15 guys who have emailed me, I'm only interested in replying to one. Then there's the 25 guys who have "winked" at me. I don't even bother with those -- I HATE winks. If you're not familiar: it's essentially a nudge that a person sends (like a "poke" on Facebook), but they don't write anything to go along with it. It implies: I'm making as little effort as I can possibly make here. Now come to my place and cook me some dinner while I loaf on my couch with a can of Bud and my hand down my pants!

SUNDAY UPDATE, 6:30 PM:
I'm shocked. No word from Mr 2010 about our date tonight -- I've officially been stood up. AND I even did what I said I wouldn't do -- I texted him nearly two hours ago to ask if we were still on. No response.

It's not that I'm upset about not seeing him -- at this point, I'm fine in that regard. It's just that I'm surprised that someone could be so rude, and have such a lack of common courtesy to do this. It doesn't take much to write back (or call) someone to say, "I just can't make it tonight".

His behavior is appalling regardless, but it feels especially wrong given that we have mutual friends, and chances are pretty good that I'll run into him at a party in the near future. Where my stiletto heel just might "accidentally" stab him in the foot. Oops!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Another "10 lbs in 10 weeks" challenge -- join me!

Twice in the past, on this blog I challenged myself to lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks -- all those posts here.

I often struggle with those few extra pounds, and for some reason, declaring my weight loss challenge on this blog really helped -- both times I reached my goal.

It's time for another one... unfortunately, this time my starting weight is a little higher: 144 as of this morning. (ack!) The plan is to lose a pound a week, on average. I'd actually like to lose about 15 - 20 lbs, but this is a good start.

Anyone else out there who wants to lose a few? Let's do this together! I'll report back here every Sunday with the weigh-in for that week.

10 lbs down by April 4 is the goal!

***********

I'm glad that I'm rather stressed with work these days to focus much on the guy situation, which is a bit sad at the moment.

Mr 2010:
I've written him off (again). Why bother texting me to check in, saying you'll call later, then never call? (as he did four days ago) And never bother responding to my email? That's just lame. Onward. I'm disappointed, but I know better than to hold out hope on someone who clearly isn't interested -- despite seeming very interested on all of our six dates.

Reminder: this guy and I share mutual friends. These friends have frequent parties, which is how I met Mr 2010 in the first place. Not sure when the next party is, but I'm going to work on my "look of disgust" and "steely gaze" before then.

Smiley:
I wrote earlier in the comments that I was OK with the idea of having him as a "friend with benefits", but after giving it some thought -- I'm not sure. I like him as a person (but wouldn't want him as a boyfriend, for several reasons) -- at the same time, casual sex can make me feel a bit... empty. (at other times, with the right person, it can be just right -- but I'm not sure this is one of those situations)

When I last saw him (um -- this afternoon, after spending the night at my place, and cooking brunch together) we didn't talk about when we'd see each other again, as we usually did when we were dating the first time around. I think I just need to not see him for a little while.

Smooch:
He's turning into one of those guys: the kind of guy who can never seem to make plans because he's soooo busy -- but will text me at 8:30 pm with "come meet me for a drink!". He did it again tonight. I texted back that I couldn't do tonight, but how about a night later in the week? Surprise! No response!

***********

I really do need a break from dating for now. I let my Jdate membership expire a few weeks ago, and checked out another dating site today, but felt no compelling reason to join that one either. Time out!

Also: I think losing a few pounds will boost my confidence, which certainly can't hurt in the dating arena.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Very quick updates.

Mr 2010:
After we talked over the weekend (when he canceled our plans for that same evening), I was ready to write him off, as a means of self-preservation. You know how a guy acts when he's into you? Yeah -- I wasn't getting that.

So when he texted me a few days later, I got a glimmer of hope. He was having a hellish week of work, and wanted to say hi -- if he wasn't working too late, he'd give me a call later. (he didn't.)

I later sent a breezy email, saying work was hectic for me as well, hang in there, blah blah blah. Eh, we'll see. (confession: I still really like this guy, and still want to give this a shot -- if there's a shot to be had. Just have to relax and bide my time.)

Smiley:
The guy I dated for a month or so from Nov - Dec, and ended because I knew he wasn't looking for anything serious right now. We still emailed once in a while, mostly light, friendly emails of the "have you tried that new pizza place?" variety.

When he suggested meeting for a bite and a movie, I figured, why not? I was very much in a Mr 2010 state of mind, and assumed it would be totally platonic. Yet, by the time Smiley and I met up, I was in the process of writing off Mr 2010. We had our usual fun and laughter, and I found myself thinking, "this is a blast! I ended this... why?". (yeah, I know the real answer, no need to remind me... he still doesn't want anything serious)

Let's just say we never made it to the movie that night...

Martin:
(again, Mr Past Disappointment)
He emailed me yesterday: NY Restaurant Week is approaching, we should take advantage of it.
Me: absolutely, soon! Once I'm feeling better, I'm a little under the weather.
Him: really sorry to hear that -- can I bring you some chicken soup?
Me: very nice of you to offer, but I'll be OK.

The next day, he called to see if I was feeling better, and reminded me that I'm one of his favorite people, and that he truly does love me. It was nice to hear, though I take everything he says with a grain of salt.

Smooch:
We've had 3 dates -- one in August, one in September, and one in November. Clearly, there's no great romance here, but I still smile when he calls. We had a lovely phone conversation earlier tonight -- he wanted to get together at the last minute, but I'm still a bit under the weather. So we had a very nice chat, catching up on each other's lives. Maybe we'll even go out again one of these days. His schedule was too hectic this coming week to make a plan (yes, one of those), but he said he really did want to go out again soon.

That's it! Really a whole lot of nothing. Oh - I (once again) got weepy watching a Jim and Pam montage on tonight's "The Office". I think I need to start seeing a therapist again.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Date #154: Michael Douglas meets Christopher Walken

Poor "Michael Douglas meets Christopher Walken" - he was just a bit socially awkward. The fidgeting. The admission that he doesn't go out much, and goes on an internet date every two or three months.

Note to self: if you SENSE someone may be a bit strange from their emails -- there's a good chance that they ARE!

The name comes from the fact that he was pretty decent looking (like a young Michael Douglas) ... but had the monotonous speaking patterns of Christopher Walken.

Really -- I tend to think that I have a tough time with dating in NY, but this guy seems to have it worse. I felt bad for him when he left a message the next day, asking if I'd like to get together again -- I emailed him, thanking him for his message, but I just didn't feel the kind of chemistry I'm looking for. It felt like the kind thing to do.

***

Speaking of dating trouble -- well, maybe it's a bit premature to say it's "trouble" just yet, but I'm not feeling as optimistic about Mr 2010 as I was earlier this week. No real communication after our last date until today, when he called to cancel our date for tonight -- he was under the weather, and he *did* actually sound sick. Still, my gut is now telling me: don't get your hopes up about this one.

I've been wrapped up in my head about this today -- disappointment over him, and dating in general -- and yet (as always), typing this out here is helping to make me feel just a bit better, and put things in perspective.

It sucks, but I'll be fine. If it doesn't work out with him? Then it wasn't meant to be, and I'll meet someone else. Still, saying that -- he "felt" more right than any other guy has in a long time. Sigh.

I've decided: the Michael Douglas etc guy is going to be my LAST internet date for a while. I've let my Jdate membership run out. I'm just DONE, at least for now. Exhausted. Looking forward to taking a break from the dating merry-go-round. I have a busy month of work ahead of me, so I'm going to let that consume me for now. (along with the many plans with friends that seem to be popping up left and right)

****
Final note: interestingly -- just now, who should lift me a bit out of this funk but Martin -- yes, THE guy who disappointed me more than once in the past. We've become friends of late -- have gone out to dinner a few times. Just moments ago, he texted me to say he was in a nearby bar, and did I want to meet for a drink?

I declined -- it's late, and I'm about to go to bed, and I'm in a bit of a funk anyway. He texted back: no funk, gorgeous! Be your badass self! Mwah!

That made me smile -- isn't it funny how the littlest things like this can help shoo away a dark cloud?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Still relaxing, still enjoying the ride of 2010.

Slight tipsy blogging right now (not quite drunk) -- just got in from yet another wonderful date with Mr 2010. He's lovely, smart, fabulous, thoughtful. We had one of those goodnight kisses on the street before I got on my subway -- the kind of kiss that just makes it hard to say goodbye.

I'm still (mostly) sticking to my new motto for this year: relax, and enjoy the ride. I'm feeling really good about him, and am just (trying to) take this moment by moment. Every so often I get a twinge of "this may be too good to last / the rug might get pulled out from under me", but then it usually disappears pretty quickly.

Thankfully, I'm NOT at all itching to ask what he's "looking for", the way I felt with Smiley early on. (I checked my notes: I first had a hint of a talk with Smiley on the subject on our eighth date). I think it's because I suspected that Smiley was similar to other in-career-limbo guys I've dated in the past -- the kind of guy who feels that he needs to sort out his own life first before he can think of sharing it with someone else. And I was right. You know what they say about trusting your gut.

Mr 2010 seems to be happy and successful in his career, so thankfully, no career limbo there. Of course that means nothing in terms of what he wants in a relationship, but it could potentially be one less obstacle.

For now, my gut is giving me two thumbs up (guts have thumbs...?). Next date already in place for this weekend. I have a new Jdate planned before then, but I feel that I'm just going through the motions right now.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

For Coatman: the dating updates

Coatman: a reward for your patience! Details of my dates so far this year -- as I mentioned, all these are guys who I met "in the wild", as opposed to online -- pretty miraculous for me these days!

(note: date numbers refer to the number of first dates I've had since my last *really* serious relationship ended -- oh my -- nearly five years ago).

Date #151: Mr 2010. I'm not sure yet if this is the "right" blog name for him -- our first date was the evening of New Years Day, so for now, this feels appropriate.

Mr 2010 and I first met in early December at a party thrown by mutual friends -- actually, I went to this party with Smiley (who could also be known as Mr December, just as Capt Awesome could be Mr November). I thought I sensed a slight bit of a connection with Mr 2010 at the party, but figured he was just a friendly guy. We became Facebook friends (I took lots of the pics at the party, and friended not only him, but a few other people).

After things ended with Smiley, I emailed Mr 2010 a question about another upcoming party -- the emails continued, and soon led to him suggesting that we meet for a drink sometime. I suggested getting together that Friday, and plans were soon in place.

Friday came, and we met at a cocktail lounge where he had thoughtfully made a reservation. After a little while, I managed to work into the conversation that I was no longer seeing Smiley -- he admitted that he'd been wondering about that.

More drinks over several hours, then he walked me home, and we had a lovely, if somewhat chaste, kiss goodnight at my door. I really enjoyed the evening together -- he's smart, cool, somewhat unconventional -- but I wasn't sure if he was really interested in me.

Our mutual friends were having another party just a few days later, and I knew I'd see him there. I was delighted when, the afternoon before the party, he texted me to say that he'd had a fabulous time on Friday, and was looking forward to seeing me again. I actually did a little happy dance.

At the party, I was suddenly back in high school -- I felt uncharacteristically awkward: how much attention should I give him around his friends? Should I seem cool and busy, or give him some attention to remind him that I'm interested? Once I got out of my silly head (and chilled out with a drink), all was fine. Chatted with him an appropriate amount, and was inwardly pleased when he put his arm around my waist at one point. Even more pleased when he told me he thinks I'm fantastic, and that he likes me. The feeling is very much mutual.

He walked me home -- a bit more kissing. We then had another date later in the week -- more smooching, this time in the subway. Another date planned for tomorrow -- very much looking forward to it.

Feeling happy and optimistic about this guy, and am certainly not-not-not going to ask anytime soon if he's looking for a long-term relationship! I'm hoping I've learned my lesson based on recent history with Smiley.

The other dates that didn't go quite as well:

Date #152: Rob-John. Years ago, I dated this guy Rob who just wasn't right for me, but he was "safe". He was very white bread -- maybe even a bit boring and provincial -- but he was a devoted boyfriend, and I probably kept him around longer than I should have. My friend D dated a very similar guy, named John. We now use "Rob-John" as a general description for that type of guy, as in, "nice guy, but he's just SO Rob-John".

Rob-John was a setup by my very sweet friend L -- she warned me that he's new to dating, as he just got out of a nine (nine!) year relationship. I wanted to like him -- he was actually quite good-looking, and slightly more interesting than I had anticipated. But it just wasn't enough - there was just something missing.

Date #153: The Diplomat. (not really, but he's lived all over the world) I met the Diplomat a month or two ago at a bar, where he awkwardly cast a rather wide net, as he gave his card to both me and my friend D after chatting with both of us for a while. She wasn't interested, and jokingly coached him on the "proper" way to ask out a woman, nudging him my way.

He and I exchanged a few texts and emails, but I remained noncommittal until I ended things with Smiley. Diplomat and I finally met for a drink, but the terrible cold that he'd thought was going away only seemed to get worse, so we cut the evening short after only an hour or so. He was a "maybe" -- I wasn't wowed, but I'd consider seeing him again if I heard from him. It's been a few days, and no word.

Well -- one reason may be: I saw him in a restaurant last night (and I know he saw me) -- and I happened to be with another guy***. Neither of us approached the other. No big whoop.

Funny: I've written here in the past that I'm always worried that I'll be out with a date, and will run into someone else I'm dating, and awkwardness will ensue. This wasn't quite that situation -- but the run-in IS possible, even in this big city. At this moment, I'd hate to be out with another guy and run into Mr 2010 (my primary interest right now).

*** The "other guy" I happened to be out with last night was none other than Martin. Yes, the guy who cheated on me twice last year, then proclaimed his love for me after I told him I couldn't see him any longer. After he asked me several times, I finally agreed to meet him for a drink a month or so ago, just as friends. We've had dinner a few times since -- occasionally with a bit of smooching -- but I absolutely know better than to attempt any semblance of a relationship with him again. But as a friend? I'm thinking that could be possible. Forgiving being divine, and all that.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Schrödinger's cat

Are you familiar with the concept of Schrödinger's cat? I wasn't until a week or so ago, when a friend brought it up in relation to dating.

She's a whole lot smarter than I am in this respect, and here's how she put it:
"Re: asking early on about a relationship, or whether someone is looking for something serious -- the Schrodinger's Cat thought experiment is the perfect metaphor here.

There's this thought experiment based in part on the fact that in Quantum Physics, whenever you try to measure a phenomenon, you affect its outcome. So Schrodinger set up this idea that there's a cat in a box simultaneously alive and dead (in multiple quantum states, with multiple possibilities)...until you open the box, and then he's only one or the other. So the act of opening the box is what provokes the outcome".

More info here if you feel so inclined.

In my simplistic way, after thinking about this, and thinking about what I've learned with Smiley, my new motto for the year is going to be, simply: just chill, and enjoy the ride.

This has reminded me of a boyfriend I had when I was 26 -- let's call him Mr X. He seemed like a pretty amazing guy from the start: cultured, sophisticated, successful, charming. Except -- he was just getting out of a serious relationship, and was open about the fact that he didn't want anything serious. No problem, I said -- let's keep this casual.

"Casual" eventually turned into a pretty solid two-year relationship (with dalliances for years afterwards). He's still one of my dearest friends to this day. And that relationship developed only because I was patient, and didn't put any pressure on him.

Saying that -- I was 26 at the time, and now I'm... not. These days, I don't have the patience to wait nine months for a guy to acknowledge that I'm his girlfriend. I think I need a happy medium: maybe don't bring up "the talk" in the first month, but also know when a relationship might not be going anywhere.

(Quick aside: I have no regrets about ending things with Smiley so soon. I still miss him a little, but I *do* think he should focus on himself and his career at this time. Ha -- I'm sure he'll have a serious relationship in no time. I seem to have that affect on guys!)

Updates to come: I've already been out with three new guys this year (yes, in 2010 -- as in, since last Friday). And I'm quite excited about one of them. Biggest shocker of all: I met all in "real life" -- none were internet dates.

Details next time!

PS. Quick update on Quentin -- after our third date (where I sensed that we didn't have kissing chemistry), I never heard from him again. Just as well. I should mention that when I left his place at 1 am to walk the four blocks home, he didn't walk me home. At the very least, he should have offered.

Friday, January 1, 2010

"One plus one equals everything"

Just a few gems that popped up in my Jdate in-box over the past few months:

Subject: i'd like stand beside you and bask in your light..
I don't imagine a man can be touched by a photo in any way greater than I am touched by you.

Were you to take a moment to know me, you'll know quickly, why it is you will wish to know more...

You will find all in me.

Warmly,
[Bizarre Guy]

*************

When I read your profile I knew you were different than the other women on this site. I knew there was something special about you.

I highly respect and am attracted to a smart woman. I am very attracted to one who is very pretty, and with a warm, bubbly personality such as yourself.

I am a special guy in my own right. I am old fashioned, yet enjoy modern things. I am of good character and integity and believe that a person's word is their bond. I also believe that actions speak louder than words. I don't like people who talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I am considered attractive to handsome (look better in person than my photos), tall, intelligent, funny, successful, kind-hearted and generous-sometimes to a fault.

I am looking for a serious relationship with a special lady. Once I find her, she will see that I know how to appreciate her and treat her in the special way that she deserves to be treated.

I hope that I have piqued your interest.

They say that if you don't take chances in life, you may miss out on something good.

I look forward to hearing from you.


Warmly,
J****
(does anyone else sense that this is a "copy and paste" job?)

**************

(a “flirt" -- for those too lazy to write up their own words -- kind of like the "fill in the box" postcards kids used to get for camp)
How is it that you haven't been snatched up yet?

*********

Subject: are you the destined woman for me?
Hello how are you doing i am D*** and am so sorry if I have intruded by writing you this little message of mine, the reason is i came in contact with your beautiful profile .. Your profile really looks awesome and I just decide to write a few words of introduction to say hello and probably get know more about you.

Hmm generally Am a cheerful and positive person, a MAN [note: caps his] with deep passion and great sense of humility, and I appreciate making good friends,and about the distance issue i believe that relationship never count on miles or distance it only measure by the heart and the feelings we have for each other really matters........

And In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing so i will be looking forward hearing from you,and get back to me with your e-mail so i can send you my photos and probably tell you more about me ok, mine is...........(xxx(at) yahoo dot com) and it is also my yahoo ID you can IM me on it anytime ok i will get back to you ok
Best regards
D*****


Happy New Year!