Friday, April 16, 2010

Farewell to Bond.

In the most recent comments, a few people thought that I wrote off Bond too soon, and didn't give him enough of a chance. I replied:

Trust me, I liked Bond a LOT, and was very hopeful about him. I don't think I articulated the timeline about him very clearly here -- I didn't want to write him off at all, but felt that I had to once I sensed that he was distancing himself (while I stayed hopeful, in the back of my mind).

He pretty much went from "we have a great connection" and "I see something here" ... to radio silence. How else could I react, but to write him off? When you know, you know.

Turns out my gut was right - I got some "closure" this week. Details to come!

I was serious about this guy from the get-go. I got that very rare feeling on the first date that this could be someone really special.

And -- confession time -- I was so excited that I took down my Match profile after our first date. THAT'S how much I was willing to focus on him and only him. Premature? Probably. It's not like I told him I was taking down my profile. If he freaked out about it, I could always say that since I was going out of the country, I felt no need to have it up. Or something like that.

Incidentally, he was the one, on our very first date, who suggested a timeline of one month: if things were still great after that time, he'd love for us to date exclusively and take down our profiles. I said we should simply play things by ear. I know, I know, beware of these rush hour guys -- but sometimes it's hard NOT to get swept up in the moment by this guy who seems crazy about you, n'est-ce pas? Live and learn. Again.

So -- as I've already written, we had a lovely second date, after which he started to pull away. He later wrote that he felt guilty for seeing other women -- I told him that at this early stage, there was no expectation for either of us *not* to date other people. And even though he didn't suggest getting together, I thought I'd put it out there, and asked if he was free Sunday or Monday.

Then - once again -- nothing.

Another week or so went by of total silence, which, of course, speaks volumes. I was annoyed that he couldn't take a second to just email or text back to acknowledge that I had asked him to get together -- but of course, there's the answer. He's just not interested. Someone who is interested will want to know when they're going to see you again.

The friends who knew about the situation from the start -- the near-daily emails and texts -- were surprised to hear that he had just up and disappeared. Not only did this guy want to see where I grew up, and couldn't wait to learn all about me... he stressed how much he values honesty and good communication, blah blah blah. Textbook case, huh?

We've all seen this guy before. The Urban Dater just wrote about this exact topic. It could have been addressed to Bond.

I felt annoyance and disgust welling up in me -- as much as I wanted to just write him off, I was having a hard time. I just needed to get this (and him) out of my system.

So I wrote to him, not expecting a reply - but it felt good just to get it out. I wrote that I "got" it that no answer IS sometimes the answer... but that I respect a guy so much more when he simply tells me that he's not interested. That it was a bit of a surprise to have him go from being very obviously interested, to dead silence.

And -- shocker -- he wrote back a few hours later. He apologized for the lack of communication, and said it was for a few reasons. Work has been particularly busy for him lately (I might as well tell you: he's an airline pilot, though he doesn't have his own regular route -- he has a hell of a schedule at times). He also mentioned that he's "out there" and dating -- I read this as, "I can squeeze other women in my schedule, but not necessarily you".

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I should still give him a shot -- lots of guys are really busy with work, and are presumably squeezing in other dates when they can. But something just doesn't feel right about this. Maybe if we had started off slow and steady, it might have been different. Maybe my ego is just slightly bruised -- he went from being very obviously into me, to... not so much.

Anyway. I wrote back, telling him that his response was appreciated, and that I wished him the best. If I hear from him in the future? I'll decide at that time what to do. For now, I feel that I have that rare "closure" thing we so often wish for, but rarely get.

Whew! This post is long enough. Next time I'll write about my new OK Cupid profile. I've never been hit on by so many 22-year-olds. I've also received not one, but two offers of a threesome. Thanks, but... no.


Anonymous said...

So confounding! What is in these guys' heads!

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Big mistake taking the profile down after one date - what kind of message does that send him? "My vagina is yours for however long you want it."
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Samantha said...

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. He was not into you. Actions speak louder than words, baby! Don't give men like this a chance - they don't deserve it. You clearly felt more strongly about him than he did about you (gimme a break - he felt guilty about seeing other women? Right. Then why was he doing it?). Thank your lucky stars you got out before you got any more emotionally invested!

Loverville said...

Anon: indeed.

Fishy: oy -- I know. Silly mistake on my part. *slaps head* WTF was I thinking? I was temporarily stoned on giddiness.

Samantha: exactly. Onward!

Anonymous said...

I agree - he's a total schmuck and you did the right thing to write him off. I hope you get the pleasure of hearing from him again so you can tell him to save it for someone w/ lower standards and less self respect!


Anonymous said...

Well, I know your ego is bruised, but don't take it personally. I really hate when anyone leads me on, too.
I always try to remember that the person that the guy is gushing on at the beginning of the date is the same person when he stops gushing.
His loss. :-)

Loverville said...

Exactly! And thank you!

One last thing I forgot to add: on our second date, he told me that he thought about surprising me at the airport, since he was going to be arriving around the same time -- but then the timing didn't work out.

How do you NOT fall (a little) for someone who says that??!

Of course in hindsight: them's just words! As we know: actions speak louder. And so they did.

Dating Trooper said...

Your situation is exactly why I started my blog over three years ago! I've decided that when they act as fishy as this guy (hot, cold, warm, etc) they must be cheating on a wife or girlfriend. That always makes me feel relieved instead of dumped. And who's to argue?!

*Juliette* said...

Ok Cupid...not for the faint of heart! I met the weirdest men on that site, and not one of them wanted an actual relationship. Something about the free dating sites like POF and OKC attract the kinkiest and cheapest men.

Loverville said...

DT: oh yes -- at this point, I'm very much relieved to have Bond out of the picture. Good riddance! Who needs the drama?

Juliette: that was my experience the first time I tried OKC about two years ago. Now the guys *seem* a little less weird, but it's too soon to tell. Will keep you posted!

mimi of sexagenarian and the city said...

Well, I'm disgusted with him, and I'm so glad you wrote him that message that he finally answered (though you were too polite and sensible all along). Schedule schmedule, work schmork: I just don't believe that excuse, Ever. How long does it take to text? Truly, that's just not an excuse any more. I think you were too kind to him at the end. Now if only it were possible to ensure you never met anyone like him to manage that? At any rate, good riddance to him.
So there!

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Work and 'out there' excuses sound like a cop-out to me! If you want to see someone, you will. I have all the hot and cold junk. My gut is he found someone he likes better. You deserve someone better than that! Disappointing though :(

Ruby said...

I love what Anon @1:16 said. So true! I must remember that.

Back when I started dating online (what, 8 years ago? Sheesh!) I remember I *always* screwed up the courage and told guys when I wasn't feeling it. But then I discovered that men just don't do that. Seriously, in all my years of dating, I don't remember a guy telling me (in a timely manner, anyway) that he wasn't interested. I decided that they must hope that silence is communication enough. Still, silence with no explanation seems just so chickensh*t to me.

Anonymous said...

Ruby, there's silence and there's silence. It's different if the guy vanishes after one meh date or after a few good dates/kisses and all the other interaction Bond had with LV. Does he "owe" her an explanation? That could be debated forever.

LV, you mentioned the thing about surprising you at the airport.
Quoting you: "How do you NOT fall (a little) for someone who says that??!"

Well, not to be contrary, but I HATE surprises! So I would easily not fall for a guy who says that. Surprises annoy me, they interfere with plans, they gum up the works and they leave me unprepared.

Bond being a pilot reminds me of Jake the Bachelor!


Taylor Cast said...

next time don't send the email. the best response is no response. that's why i wrote the letter to the disappearing man, because they know what they did, they are just too cowardly to face it.

men don't forget how much they like you or how much they want to see you. so when the radio silence starts take that as your cue to find a new one. nothing you say is going to change their mind.

just take to your blog, rant, vent and write and then let it go. you'll be better off. give him as much time as he thought about telling you the truth, none, and disappear as swiftly as he did. i wish you luck!!