In my last installment of Douchebaggery 101, my friend Rita and I discovered that a guy we'd met during speed dating was putting the moves on both of us -- hard. This was one smooth operator. For those who asked: OH yes, it was very clear at the event that he knew we were friends.
Once she told me the scoop of how their date went down, we both decided that neither of us wanted anything else to do with him. But we couldn't let him know that just yet -- it was time to play the player.
The morning after his date with Rita, Rico Suave emailed me to see if I was free for coffee that afternoon. I said yes, and also turned on the charm -- I started making suggestions for our upcoming date that weekend, suggesting a walk along the river, or we could even hang out at my place and watch a movie.
And -- well, whattaya know! -- I had to cancel our (supposed) coffee date about an hour beforehand because I had to go into a meeting. Sorry, dude. He said he understood, but was going to be in my area anyway, if I happened to be free before 6 pm. I later wrote back that our time window had closed, but we'd figure something out for Sunday.
I'm not a mean person by nature. I'm a believer (somewhat) in karmic retribution. So even though we knew that this guy was a smarmy liar, I didn't feel that I could go along with the "playing the player" game all that long.
Then Rita sent me the picture. During their date, they were chatting with a woman next to them at the bar, and this stranger asked to take a picture of Rita and Rico with her iPhone (Rita had no idea why the crazy lady wanted to do that, but she rolled with it). The woman then sent it to Rico, who sent it to Rita with a note:
the caption will read - [Rico] with beautiful woman on thursday night !! thanks once again for a lovely evening.
She and I both got a laugh out of that, and I decided the charade could go on a bit longer.
But by the next morning, I was ready to just be done with it. I thought about sending a dramatic email along the lines of: "I need to cancel tomorrow. You know why". But thought it better to just be straightforward. I wrote:
Just had to let you know -- it was nice meeting you, but I've decided to pursue other options and need to cancel our plans for tomorrow night.
Take care and good luck.
The whole day went by without a response from him. I figured, typical guy, silence is the answer, and was fine with it.
That night, I was on a first date with a new guy (details to come). At one point, I went to the restroom, and had a look at my phone. Within the prior two hours, Rico had sent three texts, left a voice message and sent an email.
Hm, is it inappropriate for me to reprint the email below...? Maybe. But in light of the situation, I think I have a free pass here, so there you go:
wow I went from your email below..to your last one..so much for doused expectations, I feel like I am missing something the switch was too big. Please let me know if I am wrong?
as i was running out the door to meet my friends tonight i looked at my bb and then read your email about pursuing other options. I felt like the rug was pulled under my feet i got so depressed I cancelled my plans and just came home.
its funny this whole week I was dating and I was thinking all I could think about was I would rather being seeing you - i just couldn't enjoy anyone else as much. don't get me wrong I had a good time but it was you I was looking forward to.
I was actually began to write an email to cancel Thurs date to tell her that i feel uncomfortable because I was interested in you then I stopped thinking that would be foolish. I only met you once, who knows what you really feel and even if we will see each other again, you might do a 360, and tell me you don't want to see me. and wow that's precisely what happened! Perhaps you met someone you liked allot better or an old flame or you heard something about me that probably is not true. I do dislike the not knowing what happened and just guessing.
I really would like to save this situation, can we talk about it, but only if you feel i might add value in your getting to know me as i would certainly like to get to know you. Best wishes. [Rico]
Keep in mind, this guy and I hung out ONCE before. For him to cancel his evening plans because I didn't want to see him again? That says much less about how awesome I am than it does about how unstable he must be. Then again, that could have been a lie as well.
The next day I wrote back that I'd try to call or email him later, but I had a busy day and didn't get around to it. He texted me that night that he was feeling really down, because he thought we'd had something. Ugh. I needed to nip this in the bud.
Meanwhile, he'd also texted Rita, asking her to call him, saying it was important. She texted back that she was at a family gathering, and couldn't call at that time.
Neither of us heard from him the whole day -- whew! -- til finally late that night, Rita got this email from him (please note, typos are HIS, not mine!):
Rita, i feel like i have become persona non gratta with you and [Loverville]. Unfortunately im not sure why and I really would prefer not to guess because left up to my own devices I am thinking of several possibilities. Normally I wont ever ask a woman why she dosnt want to go out with me. It seems once a guy asks he is labeled as a looser or someone who cant handle rejection.
But this time seemed a little too weird for me, I thought both of you had a nice time with me ( although LV perhaps? was more) please tell me if was I so completely off base?. Specifically If you could let me know if I was too disrespectful to you (I thought maybe I was) or there was simply no chemistry? or something completely different ( i have 3 ideas). Youre letting me know would really be so helpful to me for the future. thankfully certain major events have changed in my life this month so i really would so much like to start a committed relationship with someone and I don't want to make the same mistakes again that i must of done with the both of you. So please Rita i really would appreciate your input. Be as blunt as possible - if you think i was a jerk let me know. If you think i lied tell me. If you feel uncomfortable -please don't - you would be helping me. I want to improve my ways otherwise I will be left constantly making the same mistakes as before and getting hurt again. All the best and looking forward to hearing from you. Rico
As Rita added to me:
Um...How can he be so obtuse? The answer is right in front of your face, dude. YOU AND LV!!! He so doesn't get that he's not supposed to aggressively court TWO friends at once! On the same night even, via text and phone!!!
After some discussion, Rita and I decided that we'd let her take the reins and try to open this guy's eyes a bit. She wrote:
Rico, the reason LV and I have remained silent is that we're no longer interested in being in contact. So our worry is that if we explain things to you (or if I do, as proxy), then you will get back in touch with us, try to explain your side of the story, or even just try to apologize. And the truth is that we don't want to hear that. Actions have spoken loudly enough for us.
So if you would like to agree not to contact LV or me again--not even in response to whatever explanation I offer--then I will be willing to explain.
thank you for responding to my email. I am totally freaked out it sounds so ominous what could I of done to warrant becoming such a complete anathema that you are both worried that I may contact you ? Are you okay? So Let me say in advance I am so terribly sorry if I was physically or verbally abusive to either of you I honestly don't think I was but if am wrong I truly truly apologize. that's the only thing I can imagine would cause such strong negative feelings from anyone. so if you can please be clear about what I did it sounds terrible and as I have no choice I will not justify what I have done? Actions speak louder then words ?
She replied to him:
Rico, you don't need to consider my email ominous. No, there was no abuse, but you did act dishonestly and made some very poor decisions considering what your feelings may have been. Let's start with what you knew the night you met LV and me: We're good friends. Good friends talk, especially about guys. But when I "matched" with you, all I knew was that that night, you met us both-- LV is a more outgoing person, and I am more reserved, and so as far as I knew, you two had a chat. But you knew (and I would learn) that in fact you and LV had been kissing and forming some kind of connection after I left. AND you told her that although you were impressed by her friends, you would select only her as your "Match." I let LV know that you had lied when you said that. You obviously chose me as a match as well.
And then Thursday, on the same night, you're telling LV you'll call her at 10, telling me we'll meet at around 9:30 (although we know it was later--one assumes you were probably on another date!), trying to kiss me goodnight at 2:15, then texting LV a couple dozen minutes later that you can't wait to see her. I mean, come on Rico, that's super tacky! If you were so into LV, you should have never agreed to meet with me--or even asked for my number. But to talk to me about how you hate multiple dating and only want one girl, then to tell LV all your other dates were nothing compared to her, basically, Rico, whatever comes out of your mouth we won't believe.
Did you really think LV would think it's cool that after kissing her you're asking for her friend's number? Or I'd be excited that after you're texting what a nice time you had with me, you're immediately texting LV that you really want to see her? Really, that doesn't come to mind at all? And then add in that you lied to LV directly about matching with her friends? Ew, Rico.
So because we don't trust your words, and because we'd really just rather move on, we hope you'll accept this explanation and move on as well.
(Nicely said, huh? She has a way with words!)
Twenty minutes later, he replied:
Totally deserved. points well taken. it is to my complete loss that I did not end up with LV in a relationship and you Rita as a good friend. I really mean it. Thank you for the a lesson well learned I truly apreciate it. I needed to hear it and took it to heart. I am only responding to thank you both I will not bother you again. Best of luck in finding great guys for great women.
End of story. Whew! We were both relieved to have that book firmly shut. An entire Greek drama over the course of a week!
A part of me feels bad for him -- not bad enough to attempt to date him (nooosireee, Bob!). But I couldn't help but wonder how someone maintains that level of cluelessness about other human beings.
Other dating updates to follow soon. Preview: I've met a hot French guy. Two dates so far. The kissing chemistry is off the charts. The bad news? He's only going to be in NY for a few more weeks -- and I'm going to be out of town for ten days during that time. Argh.