Saturday, May 15, 2010

Um... come again? (so to speak)

I'm still out of town on business. A few days before I left, I started an email exchange with a new guy on OK Cupid -- let's call him Ron, as in Ron Jeremy.

"Ron's" emails were the usual at first -- some basics about him, questions for me, then wishes for a good trip, and he looked forward to seeing me when I got back.

Then this. WARNING: it's rather X-rated, so if you're at all sensitive to that sort of thing, click away now!

He wrote:

*******

A story for you...to read on the road, I suppose.

let's just say your pictures "inspired" me

...it's that unsure period between consciousness and dreaming, you press your naked backside to my front side. warm flesh nestled so perfectly together, i can hear your heavy breathing and yet my cock is slowly waking..your hand reaches back splitting us apart as you gently grab my swelling cock...your ass presses against me, rubbing, grinding, the rhythm arouses me to full consciousness

my hand drapes over your breasts seeking out your nipples with my expert fingertips...your eyes close as I pinch and tug...your lips part with a long sigh, it's the one thing you ache for, the intoxicating mixture of pleasure and pain pain I give you like a spoiled child, though at times the pain feels unbearable, you hiss and jerk your head grabbing the headboard, whimpering and begging for more

slowly my hand snakes its way to your hipbone and the flesh of your pussy, massaging you gently...you're so consumed with the thought of my fingers pushing inside you

I tease you relentlessly and want you to beg, so you whimper and grab my arm leading to your lust...a finger slides slowly into your wetness and pulls back to your hard clit and I rub until you begin panting and coming

"yesss" drips from my lips when you come hard

"fuck me..."

"fuck me," you plea

my body shifts upward, parts your legs and my cock gently begins to tease you ever so slightly...when I thrust inside you, you shudder at the relief of finally having your pussy properly filled, on my knees I drive into you and hold my place as your legs wrap around me to buck against my throbbing dick...I hit your insides just right, you flood my cock with your juices as they run onto me and soak the sheets beneath us

this all stops when when my seed spills deep inside you and you milk my cock, watching me jerk and moan as your siphon off every last drop

*******

Um -- really? Not only is it hella-cheesy, but dude, don't you at least want to buy me a drink first?

I'm not exactly sure how my pics "inspired" him. There's no nudity, and certainly no milking of cocks, in my pics.

I haven't written back yet. I'm not really interested in dating someone who thinks that this is the way to woo a woman, but I think a good comeback is in order. No pun intended.

Suggestions?

19 comments:

Dark Cloud Nine said...

wow. Looks like the guy would be more comfortable in the casual encounters of craigslist... and... he watches too much porn.

Anonymous said...

I suspect that there are some weirdo guys who really get off on sending pornographic stuff to women on dating sites. It's like a fetish thing. Kind of a mental illness. Because there ain't no rational explanation.

--PT

Anonymous said...

No offense, but somehow I think he sends that to everyone to see who will respond. Gross.

sjs said...

How about,"You little story inspired me, too. In that hazy moment between amusement and disgust, I slowly slide my hand until it curves expertly around my computer mouse, and I firmly block any future emails from you. Did you think I'd respond any other way?"

Loverville said...

Ha -- SJS, that's a good one! I might just have to use that. Still haven't responded yet. In the meantime, I'm just enjoying sharing the story with my friends.

marc said...

This is the male equivalent of "My name is Irina from Ukraine. I long to be with powerful man who is much pleasing to the eye as you." It's a total fishing expedition, but I think much like Irina, he'll get his share of bites. Not my MO, but I admire his ballsiness.

mimi of "sexagenarian and the city" said...

I'm still laughing at your "Don't you at least want to buy me a drink first?" -- and I agree with SJS.

d in the 51st state said...

Blimey, blog gold. While it would be tempting to reply with something akin to "blow yourself, f***face", I think the less satisfying (and less provocative) response suggested by SJS is the way to go. Maybe just the blocking bit...

KB in NYC said...

Oh my, I think I received the EXACT SAME email a while back. Yes, I'm sure of it. All that begging and pleading for his hard, throbbing cock is ringing some bells.

And then when I replied and asked if he had much luck with that approach and that, as lovely as it all sounded, I would have to pass, sadly, he responded by sending me a pic of his penis. I KID YOU NOT!

Same guy or not, it's just plain gross.

Loverville said...

KB, that's crazy! I haven't written back yet, but now I think I have to, with your same response... just to see if he sends the same dick pic!

Was this a guy from OK Cupid? 31, 32 years old? Profile name is Texicano? (hey, why not... he deserves to be called on this!)

Lost said...

Unbelievable. Just sort of freakish, aside from the obvious of it being inappropriate...and then (based on KB in NYC's comment) that it could be a CUT & PASTE????

Hello, men? Seriously????

jo said...

not that bad as literotica but terrible at an attempt to get a date. i'm with everyone who thinks that he's just mass sending that to see if that gets him any action.

Anonymous said...

it is actually really unsexy..does not turn me on at all. Guys are funny... this is not not the way to get us excited. Not sure who he will attract but no one good looking.

Kelli said...

LOL
AWEsomely bad! And I loved sjs' reply.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

I'm so with SJS! And to know that he might be mass e-mailing this?! I'm hoping he has a mental disorder. But sadly probably does not. You need to respond just for blog-worthiness! ;)

KB in NYC said...

I went back and found the email! I'll send it to you. Different wording, but pretty much the same gist. Definitely the same guy! My, he's been doing the rounds.

Write back for sure. Maybe you'll even get a penis pic. If you're really lucky.

Hehehe.....

XKB

cleanslate2010 said...

hahahahaha.

Not OK Cupid. Not OK. said...

I just got that same message from Texicano on OK Cupid. I showed it to a friend and she thought we should try googling it and we found this blog. So gross. WTF. I am very relieved that I didn't respond and get his follow up "message."

Anonymous said...

I just got that message from Texicano on Match. And this is exactly why I didn't want to go on a dating site. Glad I googled it, thanks ladies!!