Loverville

OMFG.

2009-12-23T00:20:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, I wrote this:

Blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...

New Guy and I wound up canceling those plans that night -- we were both exhausted from work -- and rescheduled for tonight. Being the wonderful, thoughtful person he is, he brought a belated birthday present for me. We had our usual, easy, fun banter about everything and nothing.

Until seemingly, out of nowhere, he mentioned that he had moved out of his place. Then came the news that he had moved in with his girlfriend (when I last saw him in June, he still wasn't quite ready for a "serious" relationship with her, even though he felt that he couldn't date anyone else).

Then -- the really big news -- they're expecting a baby together. It wasn't planned, but at the same time, he's excited about it. And this has made him really want to work on a healthy relationship with her, so they can be the best parents they can be for this baby.

I was rendered speechless. I told him I was very happy for him, gave my congratulations, and all that. I then walked home in a stupor. The second I walked through my door, the dramatic, heaving sobs began, and I went through a big pile of tissues.

One good thing, I guess (because it's all about "me", right?) -- at least now I can really, truly, officially close that door. I mean... it's actually been closed for a while. But now it's sealed firmly shut. I'm sure another will open... soon, I hope.

****
Smiley is still in the picture, still moving along as we were: seeing quite a bit of each other, but moving at a reasonable pace. Slow and steady. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, but am SO happy I already have the day planned with a friend first -- it would have been tough to go straight to a date with him without having a chance to properly rehash this news about New Guy first.

Then there's Quentin -- we had that second date last week (and a first kiss). Another date is set for this weekend.

****

Ok -- I just have to admit to myself that it's OK to be sad about New Guy. It's hard to describe here, but he's just one of the most amazing, remarkable, smartest, sweetest, most considerate guys I've ever met. Maybe I've inflated him in my mind because of his unattainability -- who knows.

I think a big part of my sadness is, in fact, frustration: I just want to meet someone fabulous, who also thinks I'm fabulous. It's just taking way too long.

Smiley, Quentin and Flirt

2009-12-13T16:31:00.006-05:00

When I last wrote, I mentioned that I'd been out twice with someone as-yet-unnamed. I'm at a loss for a really creative blog name for him, so let's just call him Smiley. It's appropriate - he has a lovely smile that he flashes often. Suffice to say, I like this guy. He's smart and thoughtful, and we just seem to fit well together.

In the past three weeks, we've hung out quite a lot. We've been to parties together, we've cooked, we've become Facebook friends, we've smooched, etc. It was starting to feel a bit relationship-y, but I had to keep reminding myself: it's only been a few weeks. Seven (or eight?) dates does not a boyfriend make.

To try to keep the crazy at a manageable level, I thought it best to still see other guys. I had a date with a guy I'll call Quentin (#149) - he bears a strong resemblance to Tarantino (just a little better-looking). I was very much in a "Smiley" mindset when I met him, and while I thought he was a cool guy, I didn't exactly emit strong liking vibes his way. Regardless, he emailed the next day that he'd had a nice time, and we should hang out again soon.

I know myself -- I tend to get a bit too emotionally invested in a new guy too soon. I'm mindful of that, and have been doing my best to keep that in check with Smiley. With that in mind, I wrote back to Quentin: yes, let's plan another date soon. (second date is planned for later this week). However, I felt that I was just going through the motions, that this was something I "should" do, rather than something I was excited about doing.

And well -- I'm glad that my brain took the lead for once, rather than my heart. Smiley and I had a talk a few days ago (we'd had quite a bit of wine, so the details are fuzzy) -- it wasn't set up as "the talk", but we did cover some important ground: namely, that since he's in between jobs right now, he feels that he needs to get his life in order before he can really think about a relationship.

I'd had a feeling this might be the case, having been in similar situations before (see: Teen Crush, two years ago -- and there have been others). It's actually kind of a relief to know where we stand -- I feel that I can go on other dates with a clear conscience now. Before the talk, I had felt, by default, that we were on a relationship track – now, this actually makes me take a step back and assume nothing – just enjoy moment by moment. (which I should have been doing anyway... )

****

That could also be the reason I found myself kissing Flirt last night. I met Flirt through a mutual friend a few years ago, and while we sometimes wind up kissing in the corner of a party, we've never actually "dated".

We discovered through Facebook that we were both taking part in yesterday's SantaCon madness, and by coincidence, found ourselves in the same part of town at the same time. Our groups merged, and we spent the rest of the day (and evening) bar-hopping together. I can't remember when we started kissing -- it just seemed to happen.

Many hours (and drinks) later, my friend Red said she simply couldn't understand why Flirt and I aren't a couple: we're both great people, with similar interests, etc. For one, he's currently living in California -- so there's that. I guess I just never thought of him "that" way. Maybe it was the booze talking, but he and I decided that if / when he moves back to NY, if we're both available, we should give this a shot.

***

Last time I wrote that it seemed the mutual fade-away was happening with Capt Awesome, aka Ralph Furley. I finally decided: we'd been dating for a month -- I DID want some acknowledgment of "us" being no more. I emailed him that it seemed we were on the same page -- that we'd had a nice time, but sometimes these things just don't work out, but I thought he was a lovely person. He wrote back a similar message. I felt satisfied to have that closure.

Happy Hanukkah!

In like with like?

2009-11-30T23:13:00.007-05:00

After a few weeks of mentally wanting to give Capt Awesome a chance, I finally had to admit to myself: I'm just not that into him. The attraction just isn't there. It doesn't help that he sometimes makes a facial expression that evokes Don Knotts -- aka, Ralph Furley from "Three's Company":

We haven't seen each other in nearly a week, and aside from a "Happy Thanksgiving" text, haven't been in touch. I thought about how I felt during our brief "honeymoon" period: I liked the attention he lavished on me, and how thoughtfully he planned our dates. But did I like him? I wasn't sure. I had a hunch that I was just enjoying the feeling of maybe liking someone, rather than liking the actual person. Does that make sense?

Now -- it seems like we may be having the mutual fade-away. I feel like maybe we'll have "the talk" soonish -- or maybe not? I'm actually fine with it either way. I generally prefer the "closure" of the talk, but if another week or so goes by with no communication -- well, there's the answer.

In the meantime: I've had two dates with someone new. It's too soon to say I'm feeling giddy about him, but he does make me smile. We have another date planned for this week -- maybe I'll have a blog name for him after that. A nice touch: we met on Jdate, but it turned out that we already knew some people in common -- he went to high school with one of my very good friends.

And -- blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...

Over the course of a week...

2009-11-15T12:05:00.004-05:00

Someone recently commented on here that I tend to get giddy quickly over guys I like. That's true -- if I meet someone with whom I sense a good connection, I like to focus on that person, and find it hard to get to know other guys while learning about the recipient of my giddiness.

And yet -- I also realize that the giddiness may be fleeting -- but I still like to enjoy that good feeling while it lasts. Better to have felt giddiness temporarily, than never to feel giddiness at all, to paraphrase Tennyson.

Saying that, the update on Capt Awesome: it seems that mutually, the giddiness seems to have waned somewhat. There was that one week where we were emailing and texting just about every day -- this week, not so much. We saw each other one night this week -- it continues to feel easy and comfortable. But when a friend asked if I was excited about him, I had to admit to myself: I wasn't, really. Can't explain why.

I'll continue to date him, and see if anything develops. In the meantime, Smooch and I have been exchanging messages, trying to make plans to get together. I've been exchanging emails with a new guy on Jdate. All very "wait and see" right now, and I'm just fine with that.

Last time I mentioned that Capt Awesome had taken down his Jdate profile. This week, it was back up. And that's OK too.

And in the lead...

2009-11-07T12:49:00.005-05:00

Things are feeling really good with Capt Awesome -- "really good", as in, I think I'm not going to date anyone else at the moment. I just can't get to know other guys when I really want to get to know just one guy in particular.

This was pretty evident on my date with Smooch the other night. I warned him earlier in the day that I was getting over a cold -- this was somewhat true (I seem to have had a mild cold for the past few weeks) -- but I mainly wanted to establish that this would be a relatively nookie-free night. (note: not sure what YOUR definition is of "nookie" -- in this case, I'm just referring to kissing)

I'm sure he sensed something was different -- it just wasn't as comfortable and easy as it had been on our two previous dates. Who knows - things might have been different if we had carried on dating consistently after our first date in the end of August. But it just is how it is. So.

Capt Awesome and I have been emailing and texting every day. We have a fabulous, long date planned for tomorrow... and he has already invited me to a party next week.

AND... I did a bit of cybersnooping, and discovered two things:
1. he took down his Jdate profile -- wow!
2. we're not Facebook friends, but he has no privacy settings up, which means I can read his wall, check out his pics, etc even though we're not FB "friends". In one status update, he wrote that he was having a particularly good week -- when a friend inquired about that, he responded that work was going well and he'd "met a new girl".

I'm just feeling giddy and smiley about him right now. And if I hear from Smooch again? I'm not sure. Do I tell him that I've met someone? (perhaps a bit premature) Or do I tell him that work / life is too busy right now, and maybe we can touch base in a few weeks? Hm. Will cross that bridge when I get to it. (interesting sidenote: it just happens that Smooch wrote to one of my friends on Jdate this week -- of course, he has no idea that she's my friend. Coincidence.)

Brace yourself

2009-11-05T00:11:00.004-05:00

In rough chronological order -- updates on the dates from the past few weeks. (I DID manage to have a social life in between episodes of "Mad Men"!)

Mr Cool: To recap: we'd had a great first date, with some back and forth followup, before he disappeared. I was disappointed, but quickly got over it -- I simply resigned myself to the fact that this sort of thing happens all the time.

Well -- surprise, surprise -- two weeks after I last wrote to him, he wrote back: he was very sorry that he'd lost touch. He had moved out of his place, and it turned out to be quite taxing. He's currently working in Another Country for a month or two, and wasn't sure when he could see me again -- "probably not til next year". He said he'd had a wonderful night with me, but it was a shame we met at such a crazy time in his life, and could we please stay in touch?

I took my time in writing back -- sure, let's stay in touch. Meanwhile, I still think it's rather lame -- if you like someone, you CAN find the 30 seconds to respond to their text message. Not giving him any further thought at the moment, but if / when he comes back, depending on what's going on in my life, I'd maybe -- MAYBE -- see him again.

Smooch: we have our third date tomorrow night. We're averaging one date per month (he was just out of the country the past few weeks, but did a pretty good job at staying in touch). I think it may have a bit of a "first date" feel, it's been that long... but there's also someone else on my mind at the moment... that would be:

Captain Awesome: (date #142) We've been out four times now -- he's a great guy. So why is there some part of me that's holding back? Details to come soon -- but first, the other dates that didn't progress further...

Date #143: Tom -- not his real name, he just looked like a "Tom" to me. Took me to a jazz show on our first and only date -- quite generous of him. Perfectly nice guy, just no spark on either end. He wrote a followup email saying as much a week later.

Date #144: Elvis (as in, Costello - not Presley) Smart, quirky guy -- just lacking a certain sophistication. It's hard to describe this without sounding elitist, so I'll just leave it at that. Saying that -- for some reason I felt that he's someone I could have as a friend. We'll see if that happens.

Date #145: the Sourpuss. I think he cracked half a smile in our 90 minutes spent together. Reminder to self: ALWAYS talk on the phone first to get a pulse on the guy before a date! (we kept missing each other, and the date was arranged via email and text)

Date #146: Kojak. A rare NON-internet date -- we met at a party, where we shared many mutual friends. We had our second (and last) date tonight, watching the World Series in a bar. I was excited about him at first because it was a nice change to have met someone where there was actually a personal connection -- but it just wasn't enough. Nice guy, a true gentleman, but the vibe just wasn't there.

Date #147: Opie. New to NY, his "gee, whiz", wide-eyed personality just didn't do it for me. Actually, it was quite painful for this cynical New Yorker -- the words "fucking agony" keep appearing in my mind during our brief brunch date.

Back to Captain Awesome - we have plans in place to see each other this weekend. Just the thought of him makes me smile -- and recalling all these other lame dates is certainly helping to put things in perspective. I'm just not getting that immediate giddy feeling that I had for Teen Crush and New Guy -- maybe I'm just more cautious these days?

More to come!

** note: his blog name came from some Mad Men-related blog. I just loved the name.

My new boyfriend.

2009-11-03T00:29:00.008-05:00

I have a new boyfriend, and he's been occupying nearly all my free time these past few weeks. His name is Don Draper.

I was a bit late to hop on the Mad Men phenomenon -- but once I did, it was full steam ahead. Netflix couldn't get the DVDs to me fast enough -- I had to start downloading them from iTunes. Every night, I was sucked into the goings-on at Sterling Cooper. On weekend days, entire afternoons were devoted to the latest drama between Don and Betty.

FINALLY, I'm caught up! I watched all three seasons in as many weeks, and I'm relieved to have my life back. I did manage to have a few real-life dates in the meantime -- updates to follow soon. There's even one guy who has my attention more than the others (besides Don Draper, that is -- our relationship has nearly run its course, as this season is about to end).

One last tidbit of amusement:

A few days ago, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I didn't pick up. I then received this text from the same number a few minutes later:

Hi, it's Joe Shmoe from a few years ago. I have a crazy idea, and would like to discuss if you have an open mind -- if you know what I mean.

Background: "Joe" and I dated about 3 years ago (pre-blog) for a few months, but it was never serious. It just didn't have the makings of a great romance. (or even a not-so-great one, for that matter)

I texted back asking for details, and he said it was easier to discuss on the phone. I called him, more out of curiosity than anything else -- he said that he got married last year, and he and his wife have been talking about having a threesome, and would I be interested?

I laughed out loud, and sarcastically thanked him for thinking of me, but it just wasn't my thing. It's especially bizarre because he does NOT seem like the kind of guy who would be into that at all -- I recall that he was a pretty straight-laced, button-up kind of guy.

Check back in a few days for updates on Mr Cool, Smooch, a new guy I shall dub "Captain Awesome", and someone who will simply be known as "Sourpuss". (just one guess on how well that date went!)

It's surprising, but it's not.

2009-10-15T22:01:00.002-04:00

Last time, I wrote that I'd had a wonderful date with Mr Cool. You know that feeling, when you're really "in the moment" with someone -- you find yourself thinking, wow, this could really be a good thing! This guy is fabulous! What could go wrong?

Which is why it's such a shock when that fabulous guy disappears. Even when you're used to dating in NY, and it happens all the time -- it's still a shock.

For a few days after the date, Mr Cool and I kept missing each other, leaving messages on each other's voicemails. I realized that medium of communication was proving difficult, so I last followed up with an email. Three days ago. That doesn't sound like a lot of time -- and check back with me in a week or so -- but I just have a feeling I'm not going to hear back from this guy. My gut usually tends to be spot on about these things.

Just to make sure -- maybe he didn't get my email?, as deluded people the world over ask themselves -- I tried one last ditch effort, and texted him this morning. Nothing.

Sure, I'm bummed. I also realize that you know nothing about a person after one date, and more likely, you're just subscribing to some fantasy of what you want this person to be. Saying that, I've been in a funk about this guy the past few days... but today I was thinking about the blog, and realized that posting about this would be my way of getting this out of my system. I'm feeling better already.

Is it some kind of karmic retribution that at the exact moment Mr Cool called for the last time, I was kissing another guy?

I mentioned the Young'Un once before -- we'd been emailing and IMing for months, but always seemed to have conflicting schedules. In one very candid conversation, we even established that we probably wouldn't be a match -- he wants kids, I most likely don't -- but there still seemed to be an attraction there.

Earlier this week, we were IMing, and it came up that we were both free that very evening. We met for a few glasses of wine. We kissed. We IMd the next day along the lines of, "that was fun, but we should just be friends". End of story. (he was date #141).

There's some early communication brewing with a few new J-guys, but no one I'm really excited about right now.

Oh -- pleasant surprise -- Smooch has been emailing from the foreign country where he's currently traveling for work, even including some pictures of his activities. Some flirtiness in the emails. Something to look forward to, his return in a few weeks.

Jim and Pam and dates #139 and #140

2009-10-10T13:33:00.005-04:00

Did you catch Jim and Pam's wedding on "The Office" this week? I just watched it -- and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I found myself bawling at the end. It was incredibly sweet -- and it hit home the fact that I really, really want to find that kind of love with someone. Yes, I know it's fictional. And yes, I know that no relationship is perfect. I'm just SO ready to meet someone amazing, and every so often, I just get tired of yet another failed date.

Whew -- with that rant over, let's recap the latest updates.

Date #139: Dr Foodie. Dr Foodie and I seemed to connect by email, then we had a very brief phone conversation -- he seemed a bit dry, but I was willing to take a shot. He was good-looking (in a clean-cut, boy-next-door way -- not my usual type), and the conversation flowed easily -- but there was just a certain warmth missing. When he said he had an early meeting and kissed me on the cheek goodnight, that pretty much sealed the deal that he wasn't interested. No big deal -- I would have gone on a second date with him, but wasn't exactly smitten.

Date #140: Mr Cool. While out with Mr Cool, I thought (for a second) about my date with Dr Foodie a few days earlier, and realized, "now THIS is what a great date feels like!".

Mr Cool was adorable, fun, funny, smart. And he seemed into me. We wandered all over the lower east side and the village, popping into one place for wine, then another for a bite. We eventually kissed. We walked some more. We flirted, we laughed. He texted me after we parted ways.

And -- he has texted a few times in the three days since that night, without making a suggestion of when we should see each other again. I'm trying really, really hard to leave this up to him, but I hate waiting.

I'm keeping in mind that despite a really fun night, and despite talks of next time, there's no guarantee that I'll see him again. That would be a bummer, but life would go on.

THIS sucks: even if I do see him again, sometime in the near future he's going to another country for a work project -- for a month.

Smooch update: the irony of Mr Cool telling me that he had this big international project coming up is that Smooch is also out of the country -- in his case, for three weeks. What's up with this?? Normally I'M the one leaving town!

As I mentioned last time, Smooch and I had a really fun second date. Then -- nothing for nearly a week, when he texted me that he'd been busy prepping for his trip, and he'd try to call me later. In the "Guys Are So Strange" department: Smooch called me one night, but didn't leave a message. I emailed him the next day, wishing him a good trip. He called the next night (when I happened to be out with Mr Cool) -- again, no message.

A very helpful reminder in this timely post by Moxie -- if he's not making much of an effort to get in contact, then he's not that interested. Period.

If he gets in touch when he's back in town, I'd be happy to see him again -- in the meantime, I'm not going to devote any mental energy towards him.

30 second update

2009-10-02T10:43:00.002-04:00

Busy work day, so just a quick summary:

* I ended things with Insta-BF -- it was actually a rather easy, civilized conversation. He followed up with a very thoughtfully written email, saying he'd like for us to remain friends. I'd like that as well -- and I'm relieved that we had this talk.

* Had a second date with Smooch -- a really fun time -- good chemistry there. He texted me the next day that he'd had fun, and we should do it again soon.

Unfortunately, he's going on a long business trip next week -- for three weeks. I'm hoping to see him before he leaves, but am waiting for him to initiate those plans. Get cracking, dude!

Oy oy oy

2009-09-27T19:53:00.005-04:00

I need to do something about Insta-BF soon. It seems like he's getting in deeper, while I'm sliding further away from him.

Time for a pros / cons list:

Pros:
* He's sweet.
* He dotes upon me.
* He's reliable.
* When we have schedule conflicts, he tells me that he'll be the luckiest man in the world if he can take me out to dinner that week.
* We have pretty good chemistry, though I feel that it's starting to wane a bit on my end.
* We met in a "real life" situation, and have lots of mutual friends.
* Very open communication -- though maybe a little too open.

Cons:
* He's unsettled -- he's in between jobs AND apartments right now. Currently crashing on a cousin's couch.
* He has a bit of an immature streak -- he has a tendency to mock other people. I've called him on this.
* other issues that I just can't go into here, of the "unsettled" nature. Just trust me on this.
* I'm going to sound elitist by saying this, but there's just a certain lack of sophistication. (and maybe I lack sophistication just by saying that -- so be it).

The other night, we were texting back and forth, trying to decide if we should meet at a mutual friend's party, or meet at my place and travel there together -- he mentioned that he wanted to come to my place first, because he wanted to talk.

Oh shit -- the talk! I was filled with dread -- really, were we going to have to do this right before going to a party together? Was he going to ask what I thought about "us"? I had a pit in my stomach for the next few hours until he arrived.

It turns out he was simply having some family issues, and just needed to vent to someone. Whew. But later, I realized that we really DO need to talk about "us", soon. I enjoy his company, but I'm not sure I see a future here -- meanwhile, he's already made references to birthday gifts he wants to buy for me, with my birthday being a few months away.

Ugh. I wondered about the feasibility of doing a gradual fade-away (don't initiate contact, take my time in replying, etc) -- but I think this situation will require A Talk after all. I have a very full week ahead with work and social engagements, so I'm considering having this talk over the phone. Face-to-face would be preferable, but I'm not sure we can get together before the weekend, and there's a chance we may both be going to our mutual friend's lake house over the weekend.

One of my social engagements this week is a date with Smooch. I'm excited to see him again -- our previous (first) date was over a month ago. His recent e-mails have been smart and funny, and I have a feeling our next date will follow along those lines.

Any advice regarding Insta-BF is most welcome. What would YOU do in this situation?

A little happy dance.

2009-09-20T09:50:00.005-04:00

Remember Smooch?

Recap: we had one great date a few weeks ago, then I was momentarily sidetracked by Insta-Boyfriend -- I'm still embarrassed to admit this, but all rational thinking went out the window, and with my head in the clouds, I wrote to Smooch and said I'd met someone else, and would like to explore that possibility. (he'd left a message and texted while I was feeling heady about Insta-BF, and I felt pressure to tell him something. Next time, a simple "work is busy right now" will suffice -- which happened to be true as well).

Once I came down to earth and started to realize that maybe Insta-BF wasn't going to be my beshert, I realized that I definitely wanted to give Smooch another shot. It had to be a perfectly crafted e-mail: humble yet confident, a little apologetic yet subtly sexy.

I guess it worked because he wrote back: at risk of seeming like a pushover, he'd love to see me again. Yay! I actually did a little happy dance in my office. Maybe I've built him up too much in my head, but I'm excited to see him again. Unfortunately, we have completely conflicting schedules right now: I'm going to be out of town this week, then he's away over the weekend. Hopefully that will be enough time for him to forget that I temporarily rejected him.

********
Insta-BF update: I'm not sure what to do here. He's definitely into me much more than I'm into him. I'm not sure I see this as a long-term thing, so maybe I should just enjoy his company for the moment, as long as it's fun...? At the same time, I really don't want to give him any false expectations.

I'm seeing him tonight for the first time in a week, will have to see what the vibe is like. Might just have to let this simmer quietly for the moment.

*******

Hey, Guy Friend, start planning our dinner out! I know I still have another month to go, but I don't anticipate seeing Martin any time soon! Our last e-mail exchange was a week ago, and I'm too busy to feel tempted by him these days.

So! Momofuku, or Ippudo, or the Redhead, or Hearth... Just throwing a few ideas out there.

The bet.

2009-09-16T23:53:00.007-04:00

Insta-Boyfriend still seems to be in the picture, though things have taken a much more chill pace. We haven't seen each other since the weekend, and won't have much time to see each other this weekend -- I'm really busy at the moment with work and a friend's wedding.

In the meantime, we've been emailing and texting here and there. He generally signs off with something sweet and sappy like, "good night, beautiful". I'm staying a bit cooler. No need to rush into anything, especially while I'm still trying to figure out what I think about him.
*********
Remember Martin? He's the guy I dated semi-casually twice this year, but I ended it most recently when he told me he'd slept with someone else while I was out of town. He was rather emotional when we had that breakup talk a few weeks back.

Nearly two weeks after the breakup, he emailed me:

Hi [LV],

I thought of writing earlier but thought it better to let more time pass.

When we spoke last, all the things I said to you, I just want to reiterate. I think the world of you and really adore you. I really, really miss you. I miss your company. You will always be one of my favorite people in the whole world and I want you to know that I would be there for you for almost anything.

My heart was broken before we met and I am still finding out it is not so easy to mend. But If I ever get down on the world and want to think of something good, I just need to think of you.

I would always do my best not to hurt or harm you so I might only commit to loving you like a sister. But please know that, easier and quicker than any woman I have met before, I fell for you.

I'll let you call the shots if and when you are ever ready.

Love always,
[Martin]

I'm still not sure what the "loving you like a sister" part meant. I happened to be with my wonderful but very cynical friend D when the email came in, and even she had to admit that it was nicely written. I just wasn't sure how I wanted to respond.

I wrote back nearly a week later, explaining that maybe we could be friends at some point, but he couldn't blame me for remaining skeptical. I pointed out that he had hurt me not once, but twice -- and to my recollection, I don't think I ever got an apology.

He wrote back:
Maybe I took it for granted that you should know how sorry I am for hurting you. I am sorry. Those were not crocodile tears of mine that night. I agonized and hated having to have that conversation with you. I do care for you much more than you know.

I am sorry. I never wanted to or meant to hurt you. I wish that love was easier.
[Martin]

I still didn't quite get the "love" reference, since we were never even close to that -- we hadn't even dated all that long. We'd had 17 dates in total (yes, I keep track of these things).

A few innocuous emails were exchanged after that -- a happy birthday wish (for him), what I'm doing at work these days, etc. He left a message on my phone (while I happened to be with Insta-Boyfriend), but I later emailed that I wasn't ready to move our friendship to phone lines just yet. I hate to admit, I do feel some kind of pull towards him, but I'm going to keep that can of worms closed.

I told Guy Friend about this most recent exchange, and he remarked that it's probably just a matter of time before I see Martin again. I insisted that I absolutely will NOT -- after all, I have *some* semblance of integrity and pride.

We now have a bet going: if I see Martin before Halloween, I lose, and I have to take Guy Friend to dinner at the restaurant of his choosing. If I stay strong and do NOT see Martin, I win, and GF pays for dinner.

Per Se, here we come! (or, more likely, some East Village noodle joint)

Insta-Boyfriend

2009-09-13T11:40:00.006-04:00

Oh my. Where to begin. For starters, I found myself a new boyfriend this week – yes, “boyfriend”, as in, someone who wants to date me exclusively and is already talking about the future. And no, this guy wasn’t around the last time I posted here.

Let’s go back a week or so…

Labor Day weekend. I had plans at a lake house with a large group of friends and many extended friends. Insta-Boyfriend was amongst them. After spending some time (with the rest of the group) hiking, biking and drinking over the long weekend, we kissed. He was a good kisser, very charming and sweet, seemed smart and interesting.

He drove me home on Monday, and we talked a lot during the drive. There was a real honesty about him – we both openly shared details of our past relationships, disappointments, failures, successes, etc. It was one of those giddy-making moments where I found myself thinking, “I like this guy! And he likes me! Yay, no more annoying dating websites and blind dates and uncertainty!”. I also thought to myself that if I knew a friend in this same situation, I'd warn her to slooooow the hell down -- but I was too wrapped up in my own head.

The excitement continued as we got together two more times during the week, with texts and phone conversations sprinkled throughout. He cooked me dinner (how thoughtful!) – he snuck a cute note in my bag (how sweet!). Sure, I knew he was just out of an intense relationship, but he assured me he wasn’t on the rebound.

I’m not sure of the moment when I came back down to earth – maybe it was when I realized that he has a slight immaturity about him. Maybe it was when I started to think that maybe it does matter that he doesn’t exactly seem settled right now – he’s in between jobs and apartments at the moment.

I finally had a talk with him and told him we needed to slow things down – it’s way too soon for us to even think about using words like “boyfriend / girlfriend”. He listened and said he'd follow my lead.

So – back to taking things at a slow, normal pace – in the meantime, maybe I’ll follow up with a few J-guys. I’m going to be crazy busy with work over the next few weeks, so most dating will be shelved anyway.

In the “I’m a complete moron” department: while my head was deep in the clouds over Insta-BF, I got a message from last week’s great date, Smooch, asking to get together again. I foolishly emailed him, saying that I’d had a great time with him, but I’d met someone new, and wanted to explore where it would go. No surprise – no response from him. And it seems doubly flaky to email him now to admit that I got carried away with giddiness for this new guy. Maybe I’ll write or call him again in a few weeks. We’ll see.

A yes (136), a no (137), and a maybe.

2009-09-01T22:59:00.008-04:00

Two recent dates to tell you about:

Date #136: Fabulous. Lots of fun, great conversation, wonderful chemistry. Drinks, dinner, lots of smooching while we walked along the street, or sat on a park bench, or rode in a taxi. He texted the next day, then called just to chat the next night. For an hour. A rarity indeed. I'm stuck on a blog name for him, so let's just call him Smooch for now.

The surprise for me: I've mentioned that a lot of my exes have had more or less the same look -- thick, curly hair, very Jewish-looking. (from the "David / Steven store", as dubbed by my buddy Brian) While Smooch is Jewish, it stops there -- he has more hair on his face than he does on top of his head. (but certainly not in a gone-crazy Joaquin Phoenix kind of way -- no big, furry beard here, thankfully) He's not my "usual" type, but I don't care -- I think he's adorable. (and smart, funny, vivacious, etc.) We're both going to be out of town for the holiday weekend, but hopefully we'll get together next week.

And -- he also has an old Jewish man's name -- again, it doesn't matter to me a whit. Rather, I find it somewhat endearing.

Date #137: Not so fabulous. Blog name "Wallace", because he reminds me of this guy:

I tried really hard to like him -- he's smart and semi-interesting -- but it just wasn't there for me. "Nebbish-y" was the word that came to mind. After an hour or so of milking my drink, I think I sent a clear message that there was no interest by announcing just how tired I was, and that I needed to call it a night.

Talked to a new guy tonight -- let's call him The Young'Un for now - he's five years my junior. We've been emailing on and off for a few months now, and might finally get around to meeting in person next week. This was a first for me: Young'Un and I talked via video IM tonight -- kind of surreal to talk to a potential date that way.

Welcome back, A&V! (and some non-updates)

2009-08-29T01:11:00.005-04:00

My old blog buddy, formerly known as Amore & Vino, has found herself a new URL home -- Single in the (Napa) Valley. Pay her a visit to say HI, and pass on a few words of encouragement!

Minor updates:

* I heard from Martin for the first time since the breakup early in the week -- a mass email, inviting me to his upcoming birthday party. No thanks -- no response necessary.

I felt a twinge of missing him for a half-day or so after the breakup -- but as I biked through his neighborhood a few days later, I realized that I was feeling relief to NOT be dating him any longer. He just wasn't right for me, but I was initially willing to overlook that for the sake of a good connection and fun companionship. Lesson learned, I hope.

* I'm convinced that DogMan isn't interested in me, despite hours of easy convo on our date the other night. I know -- "The Rules" dictate that a woman should wait for a man to make the first contact after a date, but I got impatient: two days after the date, I emailed him some info that I had promised I'd send, signing off with a breezy "have a great weekend -- talk soon". (eh, I've always been a rule-breaker anyway)

He wrote back a short while later, thanking me for the information, and wished me a great weekend as well. Polite, but not exactly warm. No suggestion of talking soon or getting together again. It's fine. Onward!

* As Guy Friend reminded me: it doesn't seem like it's a match with him, but you've got 5-6 other chickens in the oven, so to speak. It's true. I already have two dates planned in the next few days, in addition to communication with other J-guys simmering away. Details to come!

Date #135: DogMan

2009-08-26T00:33:00.006-04:00

As Tiny E recently stated -- the best way to forget about someone is to go out with someone else. I did that tonight, and didn't think about Martin for a nanosecond.

Last night (post-breakup, post-karaoke) I forked over the $39.99 to subscribe to J-date again, my first time in months. I had kept my profile active the past few months, but since I wasn't a paying member, I couldn't read emails that were sent to me. Last night I played a bit of catch-up, writing back to guys who had written to me months ago.

After a few email exchanges, one of them IMd me today. I'm not much of an IM-er, but the timing was perfect -- I was in the process of responding to his email. Some nice chit chat, and next thing I knew, we had a date planned for tonight. (he's going out of town this weekend, and we had conflicting schedules for the rest of the week) He seemed just semi-decent looking in his pics, but I have to admit that I was partially won over by his adorable dog.

We met for a drink at a cocktail bar with good lighting -- very happy surprise, he was much cuter than his pics. (but not *too* cute to be intimidating) Interesting, smart, funny guy -- spent some time living abroad, which is always a plus. The time flew -- we both looked at our watches at one point and were shocked to see it was 11 pm -- we met at 8:30.

He walked me home, and there definitely would have been the opportunity for him to give me a nice kiss goodnight -- but he didn't. Even his body language at the bar earlier kept changing -- sometimes he'd face me, sometimes he'd face away a bit.

It would be nice to see him again, but I won't be heartbroken if I don't. He made a reference to "next time" we get together -- so we'll see.

I'm guessing -- if a guy doesn't grab the opportunity to kiss me at the end of the night when we're just chatting in front of my place -- chances are, he's just not that into me. Thoughts?
*******
PS -- Just had to add this -- this email just came in from some new guy:
I like your profile so if the feeling is mutual, and you don't always wear that orange/red lipstick (sorry, just not a big fan of lipstick in general) then feel free to say hi sometime.

Dillhole! Dude needs some charm lessons.

Déjà-fucking-vu

2009-08-25T00:49:00.007-04:00

A few months ago, I wrote that I went on a business trip, and during that one week away, things went from "pretty nice" with Martin to "over". I should just copy and paste that exact same blog post -- it happened again.

Last week, during the first few days of my business trip he wrote lovely emails, saying that he missed me and looked forward to seeing me when I got home. Then... nothing. Four days of radio silence, which is a lot when you've been communicating nearly every day. I got the vibe that something was definitely up.

Tonight, the night after my return, we had plans to go to a party together. We met at my place, and that feeling that *something* was amiss was palpable. I sat next to him on my couch and came right out and asked: I was getting a strange vibe, and was anything wrong?

With difficulty, he finally spit it out: he'd hooked up with another woman last week, someone he used to date, and (I'm paraphrasing here), he's not sure if he's ready for a relationship at this time. We had never said that we were exclusive, but I was always straightforward about the fact that I couldn't be with someone who was sleeping with other people. Up until now, this wasn't an issue.

The strange thing: he was genuinely upset that I couldn't date him any longer. He told me that he adored me and really enjoyed spending time with me, but understood where I was coming from. It was a bizarrely heartfelt discussion -- he actually got a bit teary. I told him I wasn't exactly angry with him (since we'd never said we were exclusive) -- just hurt and disappointed.

The truth is -- this time around, there was always *something* I couldn't place about him -- I just never felt that I could trust him 100%. Sure, we had fun, and the sex was great -- but I just didn't get The Feeling that I had for New Guy. (and maybe still have. Sigh.). But I would have been willing to wait it out and see what developed -- anyway, it just wasn't meant to be.

I skipped the party, and instead met up with a group of friends from work who were out singing karaoke -- it was a great night, and I'm still a bit tipsy. "Love is a Battlefield" felt especially appropriate.

Onward! I'm going to re-join J-date for the first time in ages. There's a guy from J-date from months ago whom I've never met, who just happened to leave a message the other day -- I think it's time for us to finally get together.

PS. A THANK YOU to you readers in this little blogging community! I can't express how cathartic it is to put these words out there and get support, words of encouragement, etc. It just does.

Thanks for the blog material, Dillhole!

2009-08-13T01:01:00.003-04:00

I last wrote that I was considering a date with a new J-guy (now known as "Dillhole", for reasons revealed below) -- we IM'd, then talked, then made a plan to get together a few days later.

I decided to cancel the day before. I wrote to him that I'd met someone new, and wanted to see where it would go -- this being only a small part of the real reason that I decided to cancel on him. He just didn't seem all that interesting, but being the tactful person that I am, I didn't feel the need to state that.

He, on the other hand? Not so tactful. His response:

No issue here - I wasn't going to come into the city to meet you anyway. As cool as the IM we exchanged was, as soon as we got on the phone the conversation felt dead. I have enough experience with JDate to know not to expend the effort to meet someone with whom any kind of initial connection is missing.

It's all part of the process. Best wishes on your quest to find a mate.

- Dillhole

Note: this was *after* he'd already made plans to meet me... so does this mean he was simply planning on standing me up? Don't know, and don't care at this point.

*****

In other news -- things seem to be going nicely with Martin. I'm trying not to read into the fact that he just emailed me info on an event that's taking place in October with a note that read, "this looks like fun!". Nosirree, no thoughts along the lines of, "does this mean he still sees us dating then?" Nope, nothing of the sort. Just cool as a cucumber. More or less.

I have a business trip coming up -- will take a temperature when I'm back in town in a week.

Martin, Part Two

2009-08-08T00:08:00.004-04:00

A few weeks (and a few more dates) in -- still enjoying Martin's company. It doesn't seem like the casual fling that I had envisioned -- go figure, I'm starting to like like the guy! And the feeling seems to be mutual. Over a lovely dinner this week, he told me that he was really happy to be at that place at that very moment... with me.

I still have my guard up, but at the moment, I'm just taking this day by day, and enjoying it.

This dilemma always seems to come up in the early days of dating someone: we're nowhere close to declaring exclusivity with each other, but it just doesn't feel right to date other guys at this time. This mainly comes from my ridiculous paranoia, imagining the awkwardness of being out with Some New Guy, and running into Martin (after having said goodbye to him maybe ten hours prior, that very morning). I know -- New York is a big city, and it's unlikely -- but not impossible.

Saying that -- I recently talked to a new J-guy, and while I'm not exactly wowed by him, I'm contemplating a drink with him this week. I've been trying to think of places to meet for a drink where I'm unlikely to run into Martin... but I'd rather not shlep up to the Upper East Side unless absolutely necessary.

Out with the new, in with the old.

2009-07-26T23:35:00.004-04:00

Thanks to Dating Trooper for the suggestion -- McC is now Blaine. Love it -- finally, a name that fits! (though he is not an appliance)

Then again: this will most likely be his last blog appearance. After nearly a week of silence after our last date, I sent an innocuous email along the lines of, hey, are you going to that get-together our mutual friends are having? He responded in a not-exactly-warm fashion: not sure, I'm going to try.

I decided not to beat around the bush. Sent another email with my real question, noting that his previous interest had seemed to have morphed into silence, and that if he was no longer interested, he should feel free to say so. He wrote back thanking me for the opportunity to be honest (um, the opportunity was always there, dude...) -- I was the first girl he was really interested in since his last breakup a few months ago, but he needed more time off, and work is really busy, etc etc. Said he wanted to chat -- we've played phone tag since then, but I feel like I've already heard what he has to say. So that's that.

****

Blast from the past: Martin seems to be back.

If you recall, we dated rather casually a few months back -- I ended things because one, he had gotten somewhat flaky with communication, and two, because he said he wasn't in a mindset for a serious relationship.

Well -- he's been contacting me rather regularly since then (we had said we'd stay friends), and we wound up getting together a few days ago. That same chemistry is still there. I enjoy his company -- he's a fun, smart, affectionate guy.

My friend D, bless her heart, was very skeptical when I told her that he's back in the picture -- I wrote this to her:
To be honest, I see HIM as someone to have fun with right now, and don't really see us getting serious. Yes, I DO want something serious, when I find the right guy... but I think I can enjoy the attention of someone else (for now, him) in the meantime. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. At least for the moment, he's fulfilling some need in me -- the need to be affectionate, the need to have fun with a cool guy, etc.

It's only been a few days since that most recent date, and maybe it's because my expectations are so low, but I've been pleasantly surprised so far. He's been calling and texting on a regular basis, making plans for this week and beyond. (eg, did I mind that he made a reservation for us for a fabulous restaurant that he's been wanting to try?)

So -- we'll see.

"The Dude" is now McCarthy.

2009-07-17T15:32:00.005-04:00

"The Dude" just didn't feel like the right moniker for him -- it sounds slightly obnoxious (he's anything but), and evoked images of Jeff Bridges's stoner character in the film "The Big Lebowski". (great movie, by the way).

I was describing this new guy to a friend the other day, and mentioned that he looks a bit like Andrew McCarthy -- so his blog name is now McCarthy, or McC for short.

This is a big departure for me -- my general "type" is a guy who is on the short side, is Jewish-looking, with dark, curly hair. A friend once commented that I shop for my guys at the David / Steven Store (named after two exes of mine who perfectly embody this type. Not their real names).

If I'd come across McC on a dating site, would I have written to him? Maybe not. I'm delighted about the way we did actually meet -- naturally, in a "non-date" setting (at a weekend house out of town). I met a number of his friends that weekend as well, so it was nice to see him in that setting.

We had a break of a few weeks while I was out of town (with a few emails and texts exchanged during that time), and had our first reunion date this week. It was as fun and easy as I'd hoped it would be -- he wanted to plan a really nice date for us, and he did a great job of it.

From the little I know about him at this early stage, he seems like the kind of smart, fun, unconventional guy I've been hoping to meet. Trying to keep my excitement under wraps -- as usual, it's the old "wait and see" game. We have another date planned for this weekend.

I haven't yet decided if I should go out with SexyBoy again when he's back in town next week (that is, assuming he contacts me). That old dilemma of wanting to give one person a chance, vs not putting all your eggs in one basket -- I think I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it. (my, I'm just spouting out the clichés today!)

PS. Update a few days later: I wrote the above while slightly tipsy from an afternoon drink with the fabulous Tiny E -- yes, she's as cool as she seems from her blog! Alas, work is about to get busier, so E, I won't be able to help you resurrect the three-martini-lunch. Yet.

Other update: had another date with McC. Maybe too soon to tell, but he didn't seem quite as warm as he did the last time. Eh, once again, wait and see -- but I'm feeling more level-headed than just a few days ago, and will be willing to go on dates with other guys if asked. (well, no one is asking just yet...)

Back in town.

2009-07-12T23:03:00.006-04:00

Just back in town after a lovely time away in a Somewhat Exotic Country. Barely thought about NY dating life while I was away... a refreshing change from my usual MO. And it didn't even occur to me to have a casual vacation fling -- it just wasn't that kind of trip.

Just before I left, I met two guys in "real life" circumstances (meaning, not through online dating). One could be a casual summer fling -- he's a few years younger than I am, and very sexy, but not someone I could really see as a long-term boyfriend. Let's call him SexyBoy.

The other, I think I'd want as more than just a fling. There's something about this guy -- he's quirky, cool, unconventional, cute, smart. I'm intrigued. We e-mailed a few times while I was away, and have a date planned for this week. (these guys are dates #133 and 134, respectively) I'm having trouble coming up with an appropriate blog name for him -- at least for now, "The Dude" feels right.

More to come -- I need to write about context. I wonder if there would have been a click if I'd met either of these guys online? In both cases, we have mutual friends -- that goes a long way.

Update on previous post: I seem to have once again filed away those feelings for New Guy. Maybe for good this time? We'll see.

George: after that really fun first date, never heard from him again. Only mildly surprising.

Sigh.

2009-06-15T01:10:00.003-04:00

Several months ago, I wrote about an evening out with New Guy (I really need to come up with a better name for him) -- a refresher: he and I dated for a few months last fall, but he was just out of a serious relationship (and a long marriage just before that), and needed to have some solo time. We stopped dating, but remained friends.

On that last night out (platonic, with mutual friends), he mentioned that he was dating someone new, but was clear with her that he absolutely was not looking for anything serious. I realized at that time that I couldn't help myself: I still had feelings for this guy.

He and I have remained friends, but hadn't seen each other since then -- until this weekend. We've been meaning to catch up for ages, but one of us always seems to be traveling lately, so we finally picked a date a month in advance and made plans to cook dinner at his place.

It was a fabulous night, eating in his yard on a perfect, balmy summer evening -- but holy cow -- I realized that I *still* have feelings for him. He's just one of the most remarkable guys I've ever met -- smart, considerate, a great listener, funny (and he happens to be a good cook) -- we just click.

And yet -- very appropriate that the issue of timing has come up on this blog of late -- maybe it's bad timing, maybe he's just not into me. Whatever it is -- it's a sucky feeling that I still care for him (a lot), but he's just not available right now.

Oy… for so long, I had done such a good job of filing him away in the recesses of my mind. Seeing him brought all those feelings back to the surface, maybe more so because I’m in a frustrating place right now. Nothing I can really do about it, except try to stifle these feelings (again) and hope they stay buried. And maybe meet someone equally amazing who IS available.

*******
The next day, I had lunch plans with a new J-guy -- let's call him George, since he resembles my high school boyfriend with that name (he's First Date #132 since March 2005). I went into the date feeling physically heartsick over the situation with New Guy, and found myself thinking that if this was a bad date, that would only drive me deeper into the black hole I'd dug for myself.

Thankfully, George was a good distraction. Funny, cute, fun. He expressed interest in seeing me again, so I'm hoping that happens sometime this week.

And then -- another good distraction from New Guy, and the NY dating scene in general -- as of next week, I'm going to be out of town for almost three weeks, on vacation with a good friend to Some Exotic Country. The timing couldn't be better! (for a change)

And another one's gone, and another one's gone...

2009-06-12T00:56:00.003-04:00

Just a few days ago, I wrote:

I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.

I came to the conclusion: fun and easy wasn't enough. Tonight, I ended it with Mr Easy. He was disappointed, but in the honest discussion that followed (we'd never talked about "us" before), he said he's not in a place for anything serious at the moment. And truthfully, while I enjoyed his company, I'm not sure I was feeling a future with him. We had a lovely hug goodbye (along with what seemed like one of our most passionate kisses ever), and that was that.

I know I made the right decision, but I'm just in a funk right now. I'm really, really sick of dates that don't go anywhere. I had dates #130 and 131 this week -- I wasn't swept off my feet by either of them, but I'd consider a second date if I hear from them. Thankfully, neither was doing the Master Cleanse during the date.