Loverville

Run, don't walk.

2011-12-14T23:04:00.006-05:00

Last time, I wrote about the Awesome First Date I'd had the night before.

WELL -- by the third date, I couldn't get away from the guy fast enough.

Date #1: fun, open, communicative guy -- possibly too open (um, considering he's a shrink...??!). Still, it felt really nice to have what was clearly a good connection with someone, along with very good kissing compatibility.

** in between dates 1 and 2: at one point we were texting -- something light and casual, and led to him saying how he was really happy he met me and was excited about getting to know me. I wrote back that this was really nice, but of course, we should take things slowly, and so on. Well -- I must have mentioned later in the convo (still texing, mind you) about taking it slowly, and he suddenly got all, "why do you keep saying that, about moving slowly? Are you afraid I'm going too fast?". I took a step back, and said this wasn't a conversation one should have by text.

Date #2: we talked about that weird text exchange, and he reiterated that he's an open book. I managed to change the conversation. Nice enough night out, but by this time, the red flags had been raised.

Date #3, a few nights later, out to dinner: I'd already seen the previews, but on this night all this guy's insecurities rose up to the surface. He went to take off his sweater, then paused, saying he was worried I might not like the shirt he had on underneath. (?!) When the waiter came for our order, he said, "why don't you give him our order, since I'll probably mispronounce the dishes". And a few other whiney things along those lines.

Oh my -- it was painful. After dinner, I dashed to a taxi, saying I had an early morning the next day. I emailed him two days later, telling him I didn't think we were a match. No reply. Done and done. All that in the span of a week.

A few recent blasts from the past:
* Jacques! We had a five-date fling back in the spring. On a whim, I emailed him recently, and we met for a drink one night last week -- I remembered that I really enjoyed his company, even if it didn't seem to have the makings of a great romance.

Er -- when I say "A" drink, I mean two and a half bottles of wine. Oh yes. We wound up back at my place, and while there was no actual sexytime, we had a grand old time indeed. The next day, my hangover lasted until well into the evening.

He was about to head out of town, but emailed me the next day to say he'd call when he was back in NY.

* Guy #172: we had a lunch date last spring (as in, 2010), but that was just before I met Jon Hamm, which led to an eight-month relationship. His profile recently popped up on Match, and I found myself wondering how we'd left things off. I checked my old notes -- I'd had a nice time with him, but in subsequent emails, I was the one who dropped the ball.

I dropped him a line, and he seemed quite happy to hear from me. We met for a drink a few nights ago -- it was a really nice time, with very easy flowing conversation. He walked me home, and went to kiss me goodnight -- and I discovered that he was a terrible kisser. Oh my -- it was just awful -- I wanted to ask, "WHY is your large open mouth trying to swallow my head like that??!".

After only a minute or so of kissing, he said, "OK, I've got to go, goodnight!", and quickly took off. No mention of "talk soon", or "we should do this again soon". Nothing.

I would have been happy to give it another shot, despite the awkward kissing -- but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to hear from him. Meh, that's fine.

And now - I have three new dates on tap for next week. Probably too much. I'll be sure to complain about that later. But if any of them leads to a successful second, or even third, date -- well, wouldn't that be something?

Richie Rich, Don Corleone, and the Carioca

2011-11-24T01:31:00.007-05:00

Once again - I've been lax in writing. One, I had a long, stressful work trip last week. Two, I just had nothing to write about. I was even going to write here the other day that I really had nothing going on in the man department.

Well -- some funny / interesting updates as of this week.

First -- some backtracking. I hinted the last time that there was a hot young Brazilian in the picture. And there was -- for a whole three dates. The Carioca was 29, and was really into me - he'd text me how psyched he was that we'd met, he thought I was fun, smart, beautiful, etc. I enjoyed the attention, but also took it with a grain of salt.

Good thing, because after the third date, he texted the next day that he'd had a great time, and I texted back -- then radio silence. Not a peep from him after that, even after I sent one last note a few days later.

Surprise, surprise, that a hot 20-something Brazilian (living in NY) would be flaky -- you don't say??!

Fast-forward to this week -- a date with a guy I'll call Richie Rich (#203). Seemed a bit nebbishy and socially awkward, but I was still willing to get a second drink and give him a shot. He mentioned that he'd been written up in the Times earlier this month - seems he recently came into some money. About five million dollars' worth. Er, thanks, but you can't buy my interest. After the second drink, I knew there wouldn't be a second date.

Don Corleone: (spitting image). There will not even BE a first date with this one, but I had to share this gem of an email from him:

Cancel whatever you were doing Friday night because your plans just got better.

You'll meet me in midtown - there is nothing more enjoyable than Manhattan this time of year. My friend So-And-So just opened BlahBlah restaurant (website) - a really sexy, upscale and intimate place. We'll meet there for a cocktail at 8:00. I'll get us a cozy table where we can sit close to each other, talk, look at each other, touch (a little - or a lot) and get to know one another.

We'll have a couple of drinks and then walk holding hands uptown to Herald Square and check out all the city has to offer this time of year with the holiday spirit. We'll window shop and then go into one of my favorite stores, Victoria Secret. There we can flirt with all of the sexy lingerie and if you play your cards right I may even buy you a little something :)

We'll end the date by me either escorting you to the subway or driving you home. Either way, we will part with the sexiest, hottest, most romantic kiss we've ever had on a first date, and we won't be able to wait to meet again :)

No. No, we won't. Creepy much?

After all this? An awesome first date last night -- #204. (clarification: NOT with Don Corleone!) Cute, smart, fun, open, good chemistry. Before we said goodnight, we had plans in place for this weekend. I'm smiling now, replaying this in my head. Very much looking forward to seeing him again.

But let's wait another date or two before I write any more about him. Managing expectations, and all that. Plus, I still need to come up with an appropriate blog name for him -- it's so much easier to name the bad dates than it is the good ones!

86 Mr 99... and Euro Lover

2011-10-22T09:00:00.015-04:00

To start: things are over with Agent 99. I didn't want to admit this to myself at the time, but he was just a bit... weird. It became apparent that he didn't have many friends. Other red flags popped up, that I'd rather not mention here. I think I was so excited (at first) that here was a guy who really wanted to be someone's boyfriend, that I allowed myself to overlook the fact that he just wasn't for me.

The always eloquent Dating Trooper perfectly summed it up this way: we're both looking for a guy who is dynamic, smart, and confident. This guy was smart, but not the other two qualities. Onward.

This month, I had a work trip to Some European Country -- when I travel, it's usually with four other colleagues, and we work with a few locals in a given location. I knew that one of the locals happened to be a rather hot 33-year-old guy (one of my guy colleagues even commented on this beforehand... sort of a "hey, LV, look at this one...").

Yes, very cute, but as they say: don't shit where you eat. In nine years of doing this type of work, I'd only ever had two flings on the road, and neither were guys we were working with (one was a guy I had dated in NY when I was 25, and had moved to Miami).

Well -- never say never. On the third night of the trip, after we'd all had dinner, and everyone else had gone back to their rooms, Hot Euro asked if I wanted to get a drink at the hotel bar. Sure. Turns out the bar was closed (really? at midnight on a Sunday? The nerve!) -- so we each grabbed a few beers from our minibars, and met up at the empty terrace outside the bar. It was a gorgeous, crisp night, and I loved being out there under the stars and nearly-full moon.

It's worth mentioning that he's somewhat of a local celebrity in this country, but he really only became famous this year. Still, he was recognized just about everywhere we went, all week. He's especially popular with the ladies.

I'd heard all the guy talk between him and my colleagues in the previous days, and it was clear that Hot Euro has no shortage of women interested in him. Over our minibar beers, we wound up talking for hours -- I even noticed that the moon was setting.

Amongst other talk of work and life in general, it came out that he ended a long-term relationship earlier this year, and admitted that he dates a lot. I'm sure this new-found fame doesn't hurt.

Our chairs eventually moved closer and closer, and he finally went in for the kiss. Lots of kissing, out there for hours. We finally went up to my room, though I warned him beforehand: we absolutely would not be having sex that night. And we didn't.

(in truth: I might have slept with him that night, but I was just starting to get my period. But he didn't have to know that...).

This was a particularly memorable moment: in the morning, with Hot Euro still in my bed, I went downstairs to briefly meet with my colleagues. It just felt so illicit, so sexy, to have this secret: here we were talking work, while this naked man was upstairs in my bed! I went back upstairs and we (snogged? cuddled? fooled around? can't decide on the terminology here), before I told him he HAD to get out, as we had to get ready and get the day moving.

That day, amongst my colleagues - business as usual. I'd told him that I didn't want anyone to know about us, and he was fine with that.

After that, we hooked up about every other night, eventually sleeping together. Oh my -- it was really, really hot sex. A little rough. And there was the added thrill of having this secret tryst. Though there was a night when we only got three hours of sleep, which made the next day very difficult indeed.

By the end of the week, it became clear that Hot Euro was losing interest in our evening trysts. Our last night in town, I texted him, asking if he wanted to meet for a drink. No reply. He later zipped past me and my colleagues in the hotel bar, saying he was heading out to a friend's party. I didn't care so much about him making other plans, but I was annoyed that he didn't have the courtesy to reply to my text and simply say so.

I was fuming. I knew that this was just a fling, and had a clear expiration date -- but just a little courtesy, please. I felt that it would be pointless to talk to him about it, and tried to just let it go.

We flew home the next day, and I found that I was still annoyed. And I was annoyed with myself for not being able to drop this.

So I emailed him. And to my surprise, he emailed back: he apologized, saying he hadn't intended to do anything wrong, and hoped we could meet up again someday -- and added that it had been a really fun week.

That email swept away the dark cloud that had been over my head, and I felt satisfied that I could just go back to remembering the fun times of the week. Case closed. (though I do get no small amount of delight in sharing stories of the week with my friends, and showing them pictures of him!)

Now back home in NY. There's a hot young Brazilian currently in the picture... but I've already rambled enough for one day, will save him for next time. Let's just say that I'm officially a cougar.

*** ps. good news! I've lost even more weight! Now down to 139.4 -- a total loss of 13.4 lbs! At least five more to go... but I'm already feeling extra confident and fabulous!

Agent 99: exclusive by default?

2011-09-27T21:38:00.006-04:00

For the past few weeks, I've mostly had a string of first dates that didn't lead to a second -- some of these were seemingly very good dates: good connection, went beyond the polite-one-drink-minimum, wound up with some smooching. But for whatever reason, I never heard from J (#196) again... and despite a telling me "I like you" several times on our first date, and sending many followup texts, the second date just never happened with D (#197). With #198, B, it was clear that there was no mutual attraction, so there wasn't even a mention of getting together again -- that was pretty clear when, as he said goodnight to me, his eyes were already searching for a taxi.

Then there was #199 -- let's call him Agent 99 for now (and yes, I'm aware that part was played by a woman). His profile was very up front about the fact that he's looking for a serious relationship, not a fling. I thought it was pretty bold to lay that out there - and he just sounded smart and interesting (and I liked his pictures as well, naturally).

I wrote to him, and only after I wrote did it occur to me that he looked vaguely familiar. When he wrote back, he recalled that we had exchanged a few emails about a year and a half ago, but apparently, I dropped the ball.

I checked that time period -- that was right around the time I was smitten by Bond, James Bond. And shortly after, began a serious relationship with Jon Hamm.

So, a year and a half after our first email, Agent 99 and I had a first date, which went really well. Then a second. He told me that he was going to take down his profile -- I warned him that we should move slowly. He said that it didn't matter to him if I kept up my profile, but he just preferred to focus on one woman at a time.

We've now had five dates, and while I wouldn't say I'm feeling "giddy", I definitely sense potential here. It's a really good feeling. I get excited when I think about seeing him again (this weekend), and I look forward to learning more about him.

Funny -- in the past few weeks, I continued to exchange emails with a few new guys online -- even had dates planned, but either I had to cancel, or the guy did. It's as if Agent 99 has an "in" with the Dating Gods that's keeping me from going out with anyone else.

So I'm stopping. I'm going to focus just on him, and not meet anyone new. I'm not ready to remove my profile just yet -- let's see where we are after a month or so.

And... as tends to be my pattern, I'm going out of town later next week, and I'll be gone for 10 days. Fingers crossed that he's still around when I get back!

*** ps: Some very good news! I went back on Weight Watchers this summer (after hitting my highest weight ever), and am just down just over ten pounds! (I went from 152.8 to my current 142.4) I have at least another 5-10 to go, but it's a start. I recently hit a plateau, but am trying to bust through that. Any suggestions are most welcome!

30 second update

2011-09-25T23:26:00.003-04:00

A few quick updates:

* Just like Hurricane Irene in NYC, Storm (the guy) came and went without much ado. We saw each other once after the hurricane, then nothing. Which was fine.

* I had an fabulously, unexpectedly sexy Labor Day weekend. Skinny dipping, naked jacuzzi-ing, a fun fling...

* I'm now a few dates in with a new guy who is very clear about wanting a serious relationship. I'm moving much more slowly, but I see some potential there.

* I met the awesome Dating Trooper in real life! She's as fabulous, smart and awesome as she sounds. We had dinner with the wonderful Mimi (who I'd met before, several times, but DT hadn't).

Details to come soon, I promise!

Goodbye Dorian, hello Storm.

2011-08-29T00:01:00.006-04:00

Wow, I can't believe I haven't written in over a month! Bad, lazy Loverville.

Part of the delay is because I was on the fence about Dorian, and it just didn't feel right to put it "out there" until I had sorted it out. Long story short -- I ended it with him, just short of two months after our first date.

I ended it for a number of reasons -- simply put, I wasn't feeling the kind of chemistry one *should* feel for someone in the early days of dating. I felt that I was dating him just for the sake of having that companionship with someone -- anyone. That really wasn't fair to him.

Since then, I've been out with two new guys -- both fun first dates. The second date with one of them was last night -- during the hurricane. For that reason, let's call him Storm. (date #195)

Storm and I went out earlier in the week -- a fun, easy date with some smooching towards the end. He texted me yesterday, checking on me in advance of Hurricane Irene, asking if I was evacuating. I wrote that I was staying local, and was planning a small dinner party with some friends - after contemplating it a bit, I thought -- why not invite him? So I did, and he accepted. (he's a ten-minute walk from me).

He came by, and brought an excellent wine -- nicely done. He hit it off with my friends. Most of my friends left on the early side to avoid the worst of the weather, except one -- we'd already made plans for her to spend the night since she lives in a Zone A evacuation zone. Storm stayed on the later side, and by then, the rain was coming down with a vengeance. Normally I wouldn't have a guy spend the night on a second date, but you know -- different rules apply in a hurricane.

Zone A friend crashed early -- I told her to take my bed. Storm and I later slept on my pull-out couch. Some smooching, not much more.

Zone A told me the next day that she felt terrible for "crashing" my date (she's overly polite) -- I thought it was actually a good thing that she was there -- it probably helped to put the brakes on any potential too-soon sexy activity with Storm, even though Zone was in another room, with the door closed.

In general, right now I'm not feeling especially motivated to date these days. I'm pretty busy with other social events. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm not exactly focused on meeting "the one". These days it's more about me -- I've been exercising a lot more lately, and have lost a few pounds. (yay!) If I meet someone amazing, that's great. If not? I still plan to have a good time along the way.

Sophie's Choice.

2011-07-18T12:04:00.004-04:00

A week or so ago, I started writing a post in my head -- it would have read something like this:
So -- the two guys are still in the picture -- the Brit and Dorian Gray -- I've had four dates with each. I'm thinking that Dorian and I are a better "fit", but I keep reminding myself that it's too soon to tell.

However, things are starting to get more intimate with Dorian (I've been deliberately moving much more slowly with the Brit). I can't, in good conscience, have sex with two different guys in the same week, so a decision should be made soon-ish. It's pretty telling that as I kissed the Brit on our last date, I found myself thinking of Dorian.

As I wrote the last time -- these things have a way of taking care of themselves.

On my last date with the Brit, over a week ago, he asked what the following week looked like for me -- he said he'd be working late just about every night, but could meet after 9 or so some night. We kissed goodnight outside my door, and when he suggested coming inside, I told him I had an early morning the next day, so maybe another time.

And I haven't heard from him since.

I realized after the fact -- I think I'd been the one to generally make the plans for our four dates together, and I was going to let him take the initiative this time. Since he didn't -- well, there you have it. Easy peasy.

I've since had two more dates with Dorian, and it's going at a nice, chill pace. He's fun, smart, cute, thoughtful. He stays in touch between dates. When I had an upset stomach the last time I saw him, he texted the next day, asking how I was feeling.

I can't say I'm feeling butterflies, but I'm simply... happy. Overall, I'm having a great summer, and he's a welcome part of that. I'm not actively seeking other dates at the moment, but I'm not ready to declare exclusivity either. Just letting it be.

In other news: caught up with a college friend for the first time in about 20 years. Inevitably, the conversation turned to dating -- when I mentioned that I had an anonymous dating blog, she said, "Me too!".

Let me introduce Romantic Comedy Girl! Check in, say hi, buy her a cup of coffee.

Happy summer!

2011-06-30T01:22:00.004-04:00

Yowza -- so much can happen in a month!

(except Weight Watchers - I'm the same there, but that's better than gaining weight, which I would have expected after a 10-day trip Down South). Need to get back on that pony.

Where to begin? Maybe with:
* Cousin Oliver (thanks for the name, Brian!). Not my cousin, ew -- but my friend Shmutti's cousin, who was living in Hot Southern City, but was about to move home to the NW for the summer. Shmutti suggested we meet up. We did. It was hot -- very good for the soul.

* then there was Teen Crush. Or not. On that same Southern Trip, he seemed all excited to see me. We had dinner with my colleagues, where he was sweet and charming and flirty towards me. He and I got another drink after we peeled off from the others. And ... he drove me back to my hotel with a brusque "good night!", and a very clear friend-kiss on the cheek. All very confusing. Til the next day, in the sober light of day, I realized that it was better to get the friend-treatment, as opposed to kissing, THEN finding out he only thought of me as a pal. Whatever light switch I had for him in the ON position went firmly OFF.

* then there's The Brit. (date #193) A setup by a work friend. We have fun -- we've had three dates so far. In typical stoic British fashion, I'd have no idea that he was interested in me if it weren't for the passionate kisses we've had at the end of each date. I'm determined to move realllly slowly here -- partially because of...

* Dorian Gray. (date #194) He's ten years my senior, but looks my age (without visible Botox). One date down so far, another planned for tomorrow. Just feels like a great connection there, but I keep reminding myself -- how much can you know after just one date? There's been daily emails (which I forced myself to slow down) – and I feel like that has given me more of a hint of who he is. Of course, I could be wrong. Anyway, I'm just looking forward to seeing him again.

I find myself worrying about liking two guys (who both seem to like me)... til I step outside myself and remind myself: these things tend to take care of themselves. It’s pretty unlikely that I’ll be deeply involved with both of them in six month’s time, so why stress out about it now?

I’m officially in summer vacation mode – I have some time off work, and am going to spend some of that time at a nearby beach – enjoy this gorgeous weather, ya’ll!

WW and The Crush.

2011-05-30T20:17:00.003-04:00

Weight Watchers update:
Been (mostly) religiously sticking to it for the past two weeks, and am pleased as (nonfat) punch to announce that I'm down 4.2 lbs! Yes! Started at 150.8, am now 146.6.

Short-term goal is to be below 140 by July 4th - a huge challenge, since I have a ten-day trip down south before then. Just have to keep the mindset going.

Boy updates:
Up to 191 dates now, with a few new ones over the past few weeks. Tell you what -- if any of them lead to a second date, I'll tell you about it at that time. For now, nothing really worth mentioning... except...

Daniel Craig: I was on a work trip last week, and after three days of working with some new people, I found myself crushing on this one guy -- he's a better-looking Daniel Craig. Smart, charming, sexy - but also seems very sweet and very humble. There was some mild flirting, but nothing happened.

But there's an issue, and it's a mighty big one: he typically travels across the globe for work, and when he's home (which is in Florida, harrumph), his time is occupied by his two young children.

So -- while there's really no relationship potential there, there MAY be a chance for a one-night fling (which I'd be 100% open to): even though he's been everywhere from Albania to Zimbabwe, he's never been to New York -- but he has a 12-hour overnight stopover here in two weeks. I've graciously offered to show him around. Can. Not. Wait.

While I'm working on losing this weight for myself first and foremost - this is very, very good incentive. It's been a month since I've had sex (that was with the disappearing Austin Powers), and I'm thinking about it wayyyy too much these days!

Copy and paste.

2011-05-15T12:06:00.003-04:00

Every so often, I'll discover that a guy on Match or OK Cupid has written the EXACT same email to me and another friend. I'm just amused by the sheer laziness of this.

Let me know if you've gotten this one -- this guy has sent me this same message... twice. A week or so apart.

I was thinking there aren’t any cute girls on this site, I come across your profile! Care to drop me a line? ps well endowed here! Cheers, D

Well, nice to know in advance that someone is well-endowed. Anyway -- no response from me -- he lives too far away, somewhere in NJ. Delete.

Weight Watchers update: I went to a meeting a few days ago, and weighed in at 150.8. Ouch. For most of my thirties I was about 140, and even then, I felt a bit chubby. For the past few days, I've been doing mostly well on program -- I made the mistake of eating a whole bag of Jelly Bellys at the movies last night -- but I'm writing everything down, and overall eating less / healthier than I'd been recently.

Weigh-in day is Thursday -- will keep you posted! I'm committed to this. I HAVE to do this.

It's not you, it's me.

2011-05-12T00:28:00.002-04:00

It IS me in the sense that I'm (still) at my highest weight ever, and surely that's effecting my self-esteem. Hard to say if my dates sense this -- there was a new guy last week (#186) who wanted a second date (I didn't). Had another first date tonight (#187), where the mutual lack of interest was pretty clear.

Sidenote: to tonight's date -- when the bartender says, "that's $18" -- and you pull out a $10, and wait for me to pay the rest...?? Tacky.

Updates:
* Austin Powers. We went out twice more after I last wrote. During the last date, ie, number 7 or 8, it came up that the next date would be tough to plan due to both of our work schedules. I emailed him about five days later. He emailed back the next morning, saying he was about to get on a plane to the Caribbean for the weekend (!!!), but would touch base when he was back in town.

Really...? A last-minute jaunt to the Caribbean sounds like a romantic tryst to me, doncha think? Needless to say, I never heard from him again. Granted, it didn't seem like we were potentially on a romantic track -- but to go out with someone 7 or so times, and just play the disappearing game? Asshole. Good riddance.

* Teen Crush, who I dated over 3 years ago (more info in last blog post) -- and still carry a torch for -- may be in NY as soon as two weeks from now.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow. Certainly not for him, but right now, I'll take whatever incentive I can find.

A few times in the past, I've announced a "lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks" plan here -- and announcing it like that seems to work. So I'm announcing it again. It starts NOW.

Anyone else need to drop a few pounds, and want to join the challenge?

A 2nd date... a 6th date... a first date... and a blast from the past.

2011-04-26T00:12:00.004-04:00

Since last time:

* date #2 with James Beard. Still on the fence about him. Kissed for the first time at the end of the date. He asked if I'd like to get together over the weekend - said he'd touch base the next day. Didn't hear from him til Sat, the day of the supposed date. I replied that I couldn't make it, but we'd "figure out something soon". Felt like a mutual brush-off, which was just fine.

* Had another date with Austin Powers, our 6th or so? Nice mellow evening. Seeing him again later this week, making it three weeks since we'll have seen each other. Feeling nice and easy -- there's an attraction there, but no crazy fireworks. And maybe that's OK? Anyway -- I'm enjoying taking it slowly.

* had date #185 -- ie, the 185th new guy I've gone out with since March 2005. First met this guy last summer -- he asked me out then, but I had a boyfriend. As soon as he saw my "single" status on Facebook when Jon Hamm and I broke up, he asked me out again. It took til this week to get together. I had a feeling he might not really be my type -- seemed a bit nebbish-y -- and I was right. Nice guy, but SO not for me.

* Teen Crush. We dated for a few months in late 2007, then he moved 1500 miles away. We occasionally emailed in a friendly, platonic way -- but I've never quite stopped having some kind of lingering feeling for him.

Well -- he's planning spending some of the summer in NY, and said he'd "love love love" to get together. When he and I were dating, I was at least 15 lbs thinner -- huge incentive to go to bed NOW so I can go for that run in the morning...

I told my shrink about him earlier tonight, and she told me: "The way you just smiled about him? I haven't seen you talk about any other guy like that". Sigh!!

Trip slightly delayed.

2011-04-02T15:50:00.004-04:00

Semi-good news: my work trip was delayed for a week -- which has both good and bad repercussions. The bad only has to do with work -- and the good involves dating:

This means I'll get to see Austin Powers one more time before I go away. And we'll not see each other for two weeks, rather than three. I'm happy about that.

Had another date with him since I last wrote -- spent the evening in my neighborhood. He saw my apartment for the first time. Another really fun night together. He told me about a difficult work situation he had going on, then texted the next day to tell me it had been sorted out. I like hearing about these details of his life.

When I mentioned that my trip had been postponed, I asked if he was free to get together in the coming week. He was pretty booked up, but said he'd definitely rearrange something so we could see each other again -- then later confirmed a night.

It's feeling fun and easy and warm. I sense that he likes me (and I know I like him) -- but it's not foolishly gushy. Last year, on my second date with Jon Hamm, he told me he was smitten. I told him that I didn't want to hear that at the time, when he barely knew me... wait another six months, when it would really mean something. (six months later, things were starting to go downhill, so...)

Jacques update: or should I say, Jacques who? Not a peep from him since I last saw him a week ago -- and that's perfectly fine. I got the sense that that was just a fun fling, with no boyfriend potential.

There was a first date this week -- #184 -- with let's-call-him-James. As in James Beard -- he's very well-connected in the restaurant industry. And he's about ten years my junior.

James and I first started communicating on Match about a year ago, but it quickly took on a platonic, we-know-some-people-in-common vibe. Then I started dating Jon Hamm, and we lost touch. When I re-checked my dating email after Jon and I broke up, I saw a several months old email from James -- he'd met someone I knew, and thought of me.

I recently wrote back to him, and again, we had some nice banter with no mention of getting together. He mentioned parties and restaurant openings he often went to -- I half-joked, "let me know if you ever need a plus-one". He wrote back: how about next week? And the plan was set.

He chose a rather pricey new restaurant where he knew the chef -- we got the royal treatment: a great table, extra courses sent out, the chef coming out to say hello. The food was excellent, and James was nice enough (and rather cute -- great hair)... but as much as I tried, I couldn't veer the conversation away from the restaurant industry. It was interesting at times, but for all-night conversation? It gets a bit monotonous.

We went for another drink after dinner. During dinner, there seemed to be no chemistry at all. Then over a drink, with our barstools facing each other, there was a bit of leg caressing -- just a little. Rather subtle. Might have been the booze talking. When I mentioned that I needed to call it a night, he hailed a taxi for me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said goodnight.

I was surprised when he emailed the next day that he'd had a great time, and we should try Some New Place we'd talked about for a drink when I was back in town. I'd see him again -- and this time, would try even harder to diversify the conversation.

Funny -- I told a British co-worker about Austin this past week, and mentioned that I had a new date the following night (with James). She asked if I liked Austin -- I said yes. She said that, in England, it was assumed that if you'd had a few dates with someone, it was assumed you weren't dating anyone else.

Ahhh... so, so different here in NY! (and would anyone with British dating experience care to comment / verify that?)

Going away, again.

2011-03-27T18:36:00.007-04:00

I've mentioned here before -- I feel lucky that I travel to interesting places for work (even if it's most certainly NOT a vacation). However, there have been a few times when I felt that my work life was thwarting my dating life. More than once, I'd meet a seemingly great guy, only to have to go out of town, and said guy would have disappeared by the time I came home. (yeah, I know, if it was meant to be, he wouldn't have disappeared, and so on).

It's been a month and a half since Jon Hamm and I broke up, and my plan was just to go out and have as much fun as possible. Which I've been doing, very successfully. However... after four dates with Austin Powers, I'm starting to get that tingle of actually liking someone.

And it's making me nervous.

Nervous, because we're about to go through a three-week stint of not being able to see each other -- I'm going away for the first half of April, and as sucky luck would have it, he heads out of town the day I get back, for a week. Sigh.

I've been having a lot of fun with him -- he's smart, funny, thoughtful -- and the chemistry is fabulous. Even before our last date, as we were making plans by phone, he wanted to know what my next week looked like, so we could be sure to get together one last time before I leave town.

So -- we'll see. He thoughtfully planned our last few dates, so I've come up with a fun evening for our next date, later this week. (and -- it'll be his first time seeing my apartment -- major cleanup time).

Then there's Jacques. After he returned from his latest out-of-town trip, we got together this past weekend. Before going out, I gave myself a pep talk - NO sex with him tonight. Do NOT go back to his place, and don't let him come to mine. I'd simply tell him that on the previous date, things had moved too quickly.

I even made sure to wear un-sexy underwear as a reminder to myself.

As always, we had a really good time. We ate wonderful food (how is it that Spanish tapas can be so sexy??), drank fabulous wine, talked to the other people around us in the restaurant. He told me that he was still rather banged up from the ski trip from which he'd just returned, but he was fine to go dancing as planned. We kissed in the taxi en route, and I felt my resolve of a chaste evening begin to dissipate.

However, when we got to the club, he was too achy to dance. After a short while, he said he should call it a night, and needed to go home and ice his aching hip. We shared a taxi, kissed goodnight, and that was that. As I went home alone, I was happy that although I probably would have caved and gone home with him, HE was the one who suggested that we not spend the night together!

I'm having fun with Jacques, but definitely don't feel that same pre-date excitement that I have with Austin. Naturally, it's too soon to tell where this will go, but I can honestly say that I'm very happy with the NOW right now.

Possible distraction this week: dinner at a trendy new place with a 29-year-old who is well-connected in the restaurant industry. Or not. It's been a few days since I've heard from him, so... win-win either way: if I see him, then fabulous dinner with a cute guy. If I don't, then I'll eat something more fitting with my diet. And maybe I'll even work on my taxes and clean my apartment.

Oh! I almost forgot to add: I had a second date with a guy this week -- Mr Cool -- our first date was back in October 2009.

After that really great first date, he went to work in Brazil for nearly a year. I recently saw on Facebook that he was back in NY, and suggested we meet for a drink.

We did. And that spark that was so apparent on our first date? No sign of it this time, for either of us. Nice guy, but I just couldn't remember what the appeal was that time! Funny how that sort of thing can change so drastically.

Today's forecast.

2011-03-22T00:33:00.005-04:00

This morning in NYC, we had some seriously heavy sleet (I love waking up to that sound!). Even snow in some parts. Which made me think of these most recent dates in weather-related terms:

The Professor:
He emailed me the day after our date saying he'd had fun -- he'd like to see me next time he's in NY, but didn't say when that would be. It's hard to say if there's potential, but I'd definitely see him again... he said he'd like to move back to NY at some point, so we'll see.

Forecast: foggy.

Austin Powers:
Sent a nice text just to say HI the other day. When he landed in a foreign country today (where he's spending the week for work), he dropped a line to say hello.

Forecast: sunny, I think.

Jacques:
I guess I preemptively wrote him off the other day, in the name of self-preservation. He texted me that night, and before I replied, he emailed the next day. There's been some nice banter. He asked if we were still on for this weekend -- an event he'd invited me to weeks ago.

Forecast: mostly sunny? Could be a warm front moving in.

Smooch:
Past from the past. Smooch and I had 3 dates in 3 months in late 2009 -- we kept in touch now and then, on friendly terms. I contacted him after Jon Hamm and I broke up, and it was nice to hear his familiar voice.

He joined me and a few of my friends on Saturday night, before he and I went off for a drink on our own. I like him as a fun smooching buddy, but really nothing more... I just don't feel it.

Forecast: save for a rainy day.

Beach Boy:
This guy I've been mildly crushing on, but I haven't been able to figure out if I like him, or the fact that he's rather forbidden fruit. (he runs the beach house where I'm spending some time this summer, and it would be just plain awkward if we hooked up, and things didn't work out).

This weekend, we went to visit a mutual friend and her family on Long Island for the day. Said friend asked me: WHY aren't you two dating? You'd be such a great couple!

I admitted that that could be fun, but wasn't sure it was such a great idea. The next day, via email, I suggested that she ask HIM that same question.

The answer came back: he likes me, but just as a friend.

So, that's that! And the fact that I'm perfectly fine with that answer must mean that I was more interested in the forbidden factor than I was in him.

Forecast: just clear. No thunder and lightning -- ie, no excitement -- there!

Overall, I'm feeling pretty sunny at the moment... but I have my umbrella at the ready, should I need it.

A lot can happen in a week!

2011-03-19T13:17:00.011-04:00

Last time, I mentioned that by our third date, the sexual tension with Jacques was building. We had a plan set for date #4 by the end of our third date, but it had to wait for two weeks, since we were both going to be out of town.

He kept up the fun, flirty emails while we were both away... and in hindsight, I realized they began to taper off towards the end. The planned SexyDate was on a Tuesday -- and I hadn't heard from him since Monday morning. Not exactly the actions of a guy who is excited to see a woman.

I should have just left it alone (as later discussed with my shrink) -- maybe I should have just NOT contacted him, to see if HE'd reach out to me at all. But I'm impatient, and finally emailed him at 4:30 Tuesday afternoon. He emailed back an hour later, and a plan was in place. Still, I was annoyed, and went to his place determined NOT to sleep with him.

Well -- the best laid plans often go astray, don't they? When I went to his place, the fun, interesting / interested guy was back. We chatted over wine on his couch for a good hour. We eventually started kissing. One thing led to another. I have to say - it was one of the hottest, most intense, slightly kinky nights I've ever had with a man.

I stayed over, and the next day, had to dash home to get ready for work. Jacques was leaving town again that day -- another ski trip, for another week. Sweet kiss goodbye. I told him that it had been quite an adventure -- he liked that.

And -- I haven't heard from him since, and I have a feeling he's out of the picture. I was a bit upset about this at first -- but simply need to use this as a learning experience. It WAS a hot night -- and safe. However, would I have changed anything? In this case, maybe not. As I wrote earlier, after months of not-very-inspired sex (or none at all) in my relationship with Jon Hamm, it was exciting to be turned on by someone.

However: the lesson I took away from this - the usual trust-your-gut. If a guy isn't making an effort to see me, and I have to initiate the plan? Fuck him. (ie, in the "forget him" meaning, not the sexual meaning!)

Austin Powers update: funnily enough, I almost didn't expect to hear from HIM after our intense little dalliance last weekend. Pleasant surprise -- he called, and asked about getting together. He could only get together Thursday night -- I already had dinner plans in place with gal pal A -- then he's going out of town for work next week. He asked me to get together the night after his return -- date set.

When Jon Hamm and I broke up, I revisited my separate email address that I only use for potential dates -- and discovered a four-month old email from The Professor. Prof and I had never actually met -- he lives in another city a few hours away, which doesn't help -- but we'd been emailing on and off for about two years.

Turns out he was going to be in NY this weekend. I already had plans for both nights with friends, but knew that on Friday night, my bestie D wouldn't be able to stay out late due to crazy early morning the next day. I asked Prof if he'd like to join us both for a drink, before D went home for the night. (note: date #183)

Who knew that it would be so much fun to have a date with both your best friend and a new guy? It just seemed to add an extra dose of fun and levity, which continued after D left. The freakishly warm evening meant the Prof and I could have a lovely stroll around the neighborhood, stopping to kiss once in a while. He's sweet and smart. Living a few hours away doesn't help, but he wants to move back to NY at some point. So, we'll see.

A few other blasts from the past may make an appearance in the near future -- stay tuned!

Spring Awakening!

2011-03-14T00:53:00.006-04:00

After I last wrote, I had another date with Jacques (our third) -- lots more fun and laughs, this time the conversation got quite sexy. Let's just say, I get the impression that he's in touch with his sexuality, and knows how to please a woman. Oh my.

This was two weeks ago, and looking back now, I find myself wondering, HOW is it that we didn't wind up back at my place or his??! Ah yes, now I remember -- I was about to leave on my trip, then HE was going to be out of town, so I didn't want to jump in the sack just before we'd have this two-week gap of not seeing each other. Before the night was over, we had our next date set, for the night after he returned to NY. I found myself very much looking forward to the sexytime. (still a few days away, as of this writing)

As is typical in relationships that are going downhill, towards the end of my time with Jon Hamm, I found myself completely uninterested in sex. To say that I'm experiencing a fabulous Spring Awakening right now is an understatement.

Which might explain the events of this weekend...

While I was out of town, Let's-Call-Him-Austin-Powers (International Man of Mystery) wrote to me. I'm a sucker for an interesting, well-traveled guy, and he certainly fit the bill. After a few emails, a date was in place for Friday, the night after my return.

We had a blast. He was fun, there was chemistry, and we simply hit it off. After the second cocktail in a dark, sultry lounge he told me that he really wanted to kiss me, but wasn't sure he could in public like that. I said, "why not?", which led to hours of kissing in the bar, on the street, in a restaurant. He suggested getting pizza and wine and going back to my place, but I told him, no way - not on a first date.

As we said goodbye (on my corner), he said that he'd love to cook dinner for me -- the next night. He was going to be heading out of town during the week, and really wanted to see me again before then. I told him I had tentative plans, and I'd let him know in the morning... but that if I DID come to his place, that I wanted to take things slowly, and he shouldn't take that as an assumption that we'd be sleeping together. He agreed.

He later texted me that he'd had a wonderful time, and that he had no expectations -- he just wanted to see me, and be able to kiss me without worrying about having other people around.

It turned out -- I was free to see Austin that night, and texted him the next morning. (I couldn't remember if I'd planned a date with someone else for Saturday or Sunday, and it turned out to be Sunday -- more on that shortly).

I'm certainly not a snob, but it's always nice to show up at a guy's place and discover that he has a proper adult apartment -- not one that looks like that of a frat boy. Austin's was lovely -- well-decorated and super-clean. Yes, these things count.

We quickly started on cocktails, and it was one of those one-thing-led-to-another moments -- next thing I knew, my too-tight skirt was on the floor, and we were in his bedroom with a gorgeous downtown view. (***funny story about the skirt coming up!)

When we finally came up for air, he finished cooking dinner for us -- fabulous. I spent the night, and there was more sexytime this morning. He offered to make me breakfast, but I had plans with friends, and had to get going -- as he walked me to the subway, I realized I wasn't quite "feeling the love" -- there wasn't the same urgency to see me again that there had been two nights prior -- we talked about getting together soon, and kissed goodbye.

Tonight: the aforementioned Sunday date with a new guy -- let's call him Vanilla. I guess I'm a bit rusty after having been out of the dating loop for 8 months, but I got a harsh reminder: if someone SEEMS uninteresting by email / phone, trust your gut -- chances are, he'll be like that in person. And he was. And I'd broken one of my other rules: don't meet for dinner on a first date. I couldn't wait for it to be over. He wasn't just boring, he interrupted me constantly. Fail!

*** Funny skirt story from last night: I went "shopping" in my closet for my date with Austin, and was excited to re-discover a hot pencil skirt I'd only worn maybe once, a while ago. Seems I've gained a pound or two since then, and the skirt was on the tight side, but I could still zip it up. It was a mild night, and I decided to wear the skirt with boots, no stockings -- and realized, as I dashed for the subway, that my thighs were rubbing together so much, they were chafing. Ouch! I must have been quite a sight, dashing for the subway, trying to straddle some imaginary horse to keep my thighs separated from each other.

Maybe that's why I got naked with him so quickly -- I just needed to get out of that damn skirt!

Jacques, encore

2011-02-28T00:35:00.002-05:00

In the days after the first date with Jacques, we exchanged a few short emails about the plan for the next date. He asked if I’d like to go to a burlesque show. Sure – I’m game to try anything once -- and I appreciated his creativity in planning.

Friday night rolled around – it had been a busy week at work, and I’d been out with friends every single night – by that time, my ideal evening would have involved lounging in front of the TV, catching up on Jersey Shore. But there was no way I’d consider canceling on Jacques on such short notice, so I put on a cute outfit and some red lipstick and headed out.

It turned into a fabulous night – one of those classic THIS-IS-WHY-I-LOVE-NEW-YORK nights. The burlesque show was fun and sexy – I loved that most of the women were on the curvy side. When I mentioned this to Jacques, he said that was typical in traditional burlesque… and that he happened to prefer women who weren’t rail-thin. Score one for me! (though I really, really am planning to lose at least 15 lbs in the near future… more on that another time).

After the show, we hopped in a taxi and went to the restaurant where he’d made a reservation. (He had asked earlier in the week if I liked this particular spot). The little voice inside my head was whoo-hoo-ing with excitement that he’d planned this – he thought of something, and took action. [note: Jon Hamm almost never took initiative like this...]

Great dinner, sexily rustic atmosphere, fabulous wine. It was about midnight when we finished, and I contemplated going home. In lieu of dessert, we decided to hit another bar for one last cocktail. En route to the intended cocktail lounge, we passed a bar with a dance floor that played all 80s music – we just HAD to go in. I hadn’t been to this bar in over ten years, and had fond memories there.

We danced up a storm. I didn’t care that I was becoming a sweaty mess – this was just way too much fun. After an hour or so of this, we found our faces coming closer together, and finally had a very sexy first kiss. This led to lots more snogging, shamelessly standing in the middle of the dance floor … til the music stopped, and we realized we were the last customers in the place, as the bar was closing.

More smooching out on the sidewalk, til Jacques escorted me home in a taxi. A bit more kissing outside my building, til I said I had to call it a night. He did not ask to come in, and I liked him all the more for that.

He texted me the next day, saying he’d had a great time, and hoped we could see each other again before I go out of town for work later this week. A few texts back and forth, increasingly becoming more and more flirty, and plans were put in place.

It’s really refreshing – a year ago at this time, when I was aching for a serious relationship and saw every potential new guy through those kind of tinted glasses, I might have viewed Jacques in that light. Now? Right now, I really just want to have fun, with a fun guy. Or guys, plural. Haven’t sussed out any other potential candidates just yet. In time. Or not.

Work trip coming up this week to an exciting, warm-weather spot… so dating (and related stories) will have to be put on hold til the end of next week. Do stand by!

Date #180: Jacques

2011-02-26T13:07:00.006-05:00

A few days after the breakup with Jon Hamm, I logged back onto the dating website, to see what was out there -- but was really in no hurry to start dating again. I saved a few "favorites", but marked them as private. (for those not familiar with the system, you can mark a "favorite" so the recipient gets a note informing them that they've been chosen - kind of a nudge that you're interested, without actually going through the effort of writing a note. I did this with Jon Hamm way back when -- I saw it as simply a way to bookmark a profile, but he took it as a nudge that I wanted him to make the first move.)

Anyway. That has nothing to do with this story, so...

Let's-call-him-Jacques (oui, a Frenchman) wrote to me. I can't recall why, but I wasn't particularly interested, and deleted his email. A week or so later, he wrote again, joking that our scores had risen, and maybe we should see if there was some truth to the science -- he seemed interesting and charming, and after a few email exchanges, we had a date set.

It was my first "first date" in over eight months. It was a strange feeling -- like I was repeating a familiar pattern from long ago. I wasn't nervous -- more like, self-conscious about the fact that I've put on a few pounds of late, and I'm not thrilled with the way I look right now.

Overall, a nice enough date -- lots to talk about, though I found myself getting bored after the second drink (but that may have been just me being tired). He walked me home, kiss on both cheeks, asked if I was free for dinner sometime during the week -- I said I'd let him know.

The next day, I worried that I came across as standoff-ish. I wrote to him suggesting a night to get together later in the week.

Next time: details on how the "kiss on both cheeks" evolved into us being in a room with mostly-naked women, drinking lots of wine, then smooching on an empty dance floor...

I really really really want to kiss this guy.

2011-02-14T23:49:00.008-05:00

Went to a fun dinner party with the wonderful, amazing Lucky Girl tonight. Always a great time, these dinner parties. Ridiculously good food, friendly people, wine flowing like oxygen.

And I ran into this guy there -- let's call him Beach Boy, til I come up with a more creative name. I met BB last summer, when I started going to his beach house on occasional weekends. We realized we had lots of friends in common, from random locations -- I worked with his junior high friend, and so on. And from the start, I sensed that there may have been a bit of a connection, and maybe he was a bit flirty... then a friend told me that he just tends to be flirty with lots of women.

Shortly after, I started seeing Jon Hamm, and soon paid no mind to other guys. I also heard that BB had a policy of not dating women in his house -- smart man. Over the winter, I found that that after the summer, he started dating someone from the house -- well, so much for that rule, but whatever. Good for them.

A few weeks ago, I saw BB when we got together so I could give him my payment for the beach house for this summer -- nice to see him, but it was all business. Mostly. As always, he gave me a big, close hug goodbye. Mmm, I like his hugs.

So -- tonight. It was a pleasant surprise to see him at tonight's dinner party. I typically enjoy mingling at these parties, meeting new people, but also was enjoying just talking to *him* for a while. Only a minute or so after we started talking, he mentioned: "I don't know if you heard about me and E" (the woman he'd been dating). I said, "you mean that you're dating, right?". He said: "well, actually, that we broke up". I mentioned that Jon Hamm and I had also broken up.

At the dinner, we sat next to each other. There may have been some brushing of legs against each other. There may have been some sitting closer than was really necessary. I might have fed him some pâté.

Things seemed to cool when we walked to the subway together with Lucky. Back to normal, back to as it "should" be. But the second he left, I just *had* to tell Lucky about this tension, this buildup. I really wanted to kiss this guy. And Lucky said she got the feeling that he wanted to kiss me as well.

Most likely, nothing will happen here. I'm better off NOT having anything happen. If we started fooling around and / or dating, and broke it off by the summer... well, that would be really awkward to constantly see him in his house. And even if we DID date into the summer... well, that could be awkward as well.

It's probably better to just let this flirty tension hang in the air. To just enjoy the way he smiles at me. The big hugs he gives me when we say "hello" and "goodbye". And NOT imagine the excitement of that first kiss...

Oy.

Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.

2011-02-13T22:55:00.002-05:00

This Village Voice article has been a real eye-opener -- very timely, given my breakup with Jon Hamm.

This part especially:

If you're like me (and I think a lot of us are), you might say you can't stand drama and that all you want is a nice, stable relationship with someone who loves and treats you well, but "nice" and "stable" have hardly the appeal of words like "exciting" or "passionate" or, well, "drama." Our status as single, independent, financially solvent New York City women in the year 2011 has us sitting on a mountain of unprecedented options.

Options: Those are exciting. So we want all the options, bigger and better and faster and shinier, or taller or sexier or stronger or smarter, and yet somehow also different and completely our own. We want the tippy-top of what we can get —- why shouldn't we? And we want to push those boundaries.

I need to think about this more.

The end.

2011-02-10T01:19:00.002-05:00

Not "the end" as in happily-ever-after for me and Jon Hamm.

More like -- the end of "us", which brings me back to this blog.

It was my doing. Only now can I admit here (and especially to myself) that I had been having doubts about us for some time. I just can't explain it -- he's (generally) a sweet, wonderful guy, but IT just wasn't there for me. And it didn't feel right to post anything here (or really mention it to anyone for that matter -- that would have made it "real"). Denial much?

My friend Shmuttie Weber hit the nail on the head:
It's so hard, when things don't feel right, to figure out whether it's this-isn't-perfect-but-overall-it's-working or this-just-isn't-right.

That doubt grew quickly over the past few weeks, and once I began to express that to him, things quickly snowballed downhill. Naturally, he was hurt, upset and angry. And when he began to use mean, bitter words towards me, that sealed the deal. This was not someone I wanted to be with for another day.

So I ended it -- yesterday. I sobbed for about ten minutes, then immediately began to feel relief that I had absolutely done the right thing.

I'm in NO hurry to get back "out there". I'm really looking forward to some alone time for a while -- some time for self-reflection -- and even a return to therapy.

So - there we are. Sorry not to have kept up on all YOUR blogs - will be working on that post-haste!

Hiatus

2010-10-17T13:45:00.002-04:00

Just a quickie -- I'm working from home today, when I'd much rather be out enjoying this unseasonably beautiful day -- it's currently 67F and sunny!

Mainly here to announce that I think it's time for a hiatus from Loverville for a while. I'm hella-busy with work (about to go on a business trip tomorrow for two weeks) -- but also happy to announce that things are still lovely and easy and fun with Jon Hamm.

Next week will mark five months that we're together. He's going to meet some of my family at a bar mizvah in a few weeks... and I might join his family for Thanksgiving.

Sure, it's not perfect, but what is? Occasionally, I find myself wondering if it's *too* easy -- I've had a smattering of boyfriends in the past who posed more of a challenge. Often, in life, we tend to value the things we've had to fight for.

I've been trying to get out of this mindset. A relationship *shouldn't* be that much work. You shouldn't be kept wondering if this person cares about you.

Jon Hamm continues to tell me I'm gorgeous and amazing, and when I'm out of town, he's clear about the fact that he misses me. This is all good -- I feel the same about him. I last saw him an hour ago, and I'm already excited to see him again tonight -- though a little bittersweet, as this is our last night together for almost two weeks.

I might pop by here for occasional updates, and the odd milestone here and there -- but for now, I'll simply have to say: see you soon. Thanks for reading, and for continuously offering words of advice and support!

The boyfriend.

2010-09-23T23:27:00.005-04:00

Apologies for being MIA for so long. Work is hella-busy, AND I've started taking a language class twice a week after work -- it feels like one of those semesters in college where I took on an absurdly heavy courseload. (is that what it's called? I seem to have forgotten college lingo -- it's been a long time!)

I'm happy to report that things are REALLY good with Jon Hamm. I wrote early on that he simply felt like he "fits", and that's still the case... and more. It just feels so easy, that I have to remind myself that this is quite a rare thing for me, and shouldn't be taken for granted. It just seems to be happening so... naturally.

In past relationships, I've often found myself anxious, wondering and waiting when I can refer to the guy as my "boyfriend". With Jon, I didn't worry - I just felt that it would come in time.

A few weeks ago, we revealed that neither of us was dating anyone else -- I'd already sensed that that was the case, since we typically spend 2 - 3 nights a week together -- but it still felt nice to hear him acknowledge that.

Then -- just last weekend -- the BF / GF talk came up unexpectedly. Here's how it went down: earlier in the week, he was at my place when I got an invitation to an upcoming family event. He hinted that he could come along as my date -- I said I'd have to see if I could bring a guest.

A few days later, we were away for the weekend, surrounded by fun people, and feeling warm and fuzzy from the martinis we'd just started drinking. I suddenly remembered: I had talked to my mom that day, and she said I could indeed bring a guest to this event.

Jon asked something along the lines of, "how will you introduce me at this event?". We'd already joked in the past that he was my gentleman caller, and said as much. He said, "Or -- you could just call me your boyfriend.". I said, "well, in that case, would you like to call me your girlfriend?". He said he would.

It was an incredibly sweet, giddy-making moment, and we stepped outside to have a moment alone. We hugged and kissed and I was touched at how happy he seemed to arrive at this point in our relationship. We later had fabulous sex on the beach and went skinny-dipping, but let's gloss over those details, shall we?

Overall, all good. Very, very good indeed. I feel truly lucky to have met him. I'm a bit bummed that I'm going to be out of town for work for most of October, but I feel like we'll be just fine, regardless.

PS Last time, I wrote that I was getting serious about losing weight. Yeah... that hasn't happened yet. I'll work on getting back in that mindset. Soon. Meh.

"A little fat".

2010-08-16T01:18:00.004-04:00

Holy cow. It is really time to get my act together, and get my (growing) ass back to Weight Watchers.

I gained some weight during a few delicious international trips earlier this year, and have yet to take it off. That, combined with the fact that I've been having a fun, decadent summer complete with food-and-wine-filled beach excursions hasn't helped. My weight is way up, and I'm not happy about it.

I'm 5'4" -- my "I can live with this" maximum weight is about 140. Lately, I've been hovering about 145 - 149. I keep meaning to lose the weight, but have just been lazy and unmotivated to do so. Until today.

Today, I was in my local grocery store, chatting with the older neighborhood Italian guy who sometimes hangs out there. I understand basic Italian, and mentioned the fact that the store was out of skim milk, so I was buying 1%. He mentioned that I was "un grasso poco" -- a little fat.

I was rendered speechless. It's one thing for ME to think I'm carrying a few extra pounds, but for someone else to mention it? Ouch.

[It only occurred to me just now that maybe he was referring to the milk as having just "a little fat", and not me. Regardless, I need to take action.]

It's high time for me to nip this in the bud, and do some healthy food shopping, start cooking more and eating out less (I have a pile of Cooking Light magazines and Weight Watcher cookbooks), and amp up the exercise. Going to Weight Watcher meetings helps to keep me in check -- I haven't been to any since earlier this year, and must start again. I really have to cut down on eating out of boredom, as well as excessive snacking.

I've mentioned my weight concerns to Jon Hamm -- he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am, and feels that I don't need to lose an ounce. I absolutely appreciate this, but right now I'm not feeling comfortable in my own skin, and need to do something about it.

I've done this in the past, where I've lost 10 lbs in 10 weeks. I'm going to shoot for Sunday or Monday weigh-ins. Next Sunday, Aug 22, will be the end of week one, and so on. At this rate, I should be down 10 lbs by Halloween. I'd like to lose more than that, but that's a start right now.

Anyone else care to join in the challenge?

What does a relationship "look like"?

2010-08-03T23:28:00.005-04:00

Evan Mark Katz seems to be a mindreader.

Every so often, I'll find myself mulling over some relationship-related thought, and BAM! An email on the topic shows up in my in-box. It's kind of kooky.

One recent one was titled All You Know Is That You Don't Know Anything. I can't find this on his blog, but the line that hit home for me was:

I questioned the relationship because it wasn't what I thought it was supposed to look like.

(he's referring to the early days of dating the woman who is now his wife)

This was how I'd been feeling about Jon Hamm. While he IS a fabulous guy, as I recently mentioned, a few things gave me pause: He makes less money than I do. He's a much hairier guy than I'm used to dating. When I show up on a date wearing a dress, he's typically in shorts and sneakers. (albeit, it's a neat, "preppy going sailing" kind of look, though he's neither a preppy nor a sailor)

And yet...the more I get to know him, the less these things are an issue. Again, it's too soon to know where this will go, but in the past two-plus months, he has consistently made me laugh, has helped me with home improvements and is always ready to give a foot massage when needed. He's thoughtful and smart and affectionate. The chemistry is fabulous.

And -- I find that I'm thinking about him more and more in between dates. Even missing him a little bit.

AND -- the craziest part of all this? I'm not stressing out about him, as I so often do in the early days of dating. It just feels easy. I never wonder when I'm going to hear from him. I haven't been worrying about how to label this, or wondering when I can call him my "boyfriend".

One more thing, perhaps the most telling -- I have no desire to smooch anyone else. Just tonight, I decided to take my Match profile down (I hadn't logged on in weeks anyway).

This is feeling really good.

30 second update

2010-07-23T11:03:00.003-04:00

My friend Lucky Girl and I were emailing this morning, and I mentioned that I had fallen way behind on the blog -- she reminded me, you're still a Kissing Bandit. :)

The quick update is that, since that weekend three weeks ago, I haven't kissed any other guys besides Jon Hamm. We're still taking things slowly -- this is largely my doing, as I've been going out of town a lot, enjoying fun summer destinations.

Without making a big deal of it, one night last week I organized a bar night out and invited not only my close friends, but also Jon. Lucky Girl wrote this to me the next day:
I REALLY like Jon Hamm. He's got great eyes and a warm smile. He seems smart and has a good sense of humor and is engaging and seems crazy about you. At first impression he appears to be a really good guy. I'm glad you're feeling positive abut him again. He might be a keeper :-)

He IS an amazing guy -- but there's still something that's giving me pause. I can't really go into it now -- maybe at some point down the road. He's not a convicted felon, or a Republican, or anything like that.

Right now, I'm just taking things slowly, and trying to be patient. More to come!

Kissing bandit

2010-07-10T20:12:00.003-04:00

I kissed two new guys last weekend.

I know - I recently mentioned that I wasn't planning to date new guys. This is still semi-true. And I'm not planning to *date* either of the guys I kissed -- I was away for the weekend, and each one was kind of a one-off.

[Note: this weekend location is one of those summer destinations where people tend to hook up left and right. I've been going here for a few years, and have kissed maybe three guys there in all that time -- which is nothing compared to the hooking up that most people engage in. If you're interested in details about this summer fun spot, write me at loverville@gmail.com ]

Friday's guy: eight years my junior. Cute, and funny, but not the kind of guy you'd swoon over. We kissed til about 4 am.

I saw him out the next night -- we chatted a bit, then went back to hanging out with our respective friends. I later saw him and his friend with two new women, and (foolishly) felt a little stab in the ego when I noted that "his" woman was quite a bit younger and thinner than I. Then I went back to having a blast with my friends, and decided that's what I'd rather be doing anyway.

He later walked me home, and we had a five-minute kiss goodnight... and I realized this was something that would never work in "real life". But it was fun while it lasted. (ha - all 5 hours of it...)

The next day, I decided that I wanted to kiss someone new, and identified the perfect candidate: a sweet, cute, but somewhat shy guy who didn't live in NY. Perfect! Let's call him Sunday Guy. By 1 am, we were bouncing on a trampoline while wearing togas, before laying back in said trampoline, gazing at the stars and smooching. A perfect summer night.

What of Jon Hamm, you ask? He's still in the picture -- though I must admit, at the moment I'm feeling summery and flirty and noncommittal. At the same time, I'm enjoying hanging out with him -- it's been once a week, on average -- perfect. He's still sweet and thoughtful and gives great foot rubs. No need to wonder where this is going right now -- there will be time for that, if this continues.

Ah, summer!

Jon Hamm: stop and go

2010-07-02T14:30:00.005-04:00

After I last wrote, I went on a business trip for nearly a week. Jon Hamm and I had plans to get together upon my return, which he had to cancel because he wasn't feeling well. Plans made a few days later were canceled as well. In the meantime, I felt that his warm, sweet emails were tapering off.

I was disappointed, but tried not to dwell on it -- I knew that I simply had to wait until I saw him again to get an idea of his level of interest -- and I had to give him an extra dose of leeway because he hasn't been well lately.

In the meantime, I thought that maybe I'd start dating other guys again. He and I haven't discussed exclusivity -- it's way too soon -- but after our first date, I just wanted to get to know him more, and take a break from the dating merry-go-round.

On our next date -- nearly two weeks after we'd previously seen each other -- he greeted me with a big hug and a sexy, warm kiss hello. He still *seemed* interested -- but I felt a little off, perhaps a result of the longer-than-usual time between seeing each other. I just needed to get a feel for him all over again. That *off* feeling stayed with me most of the evening.

The next day, I had a busy day at work, which I'd anticipated, and had told him about the night before. That night, he called. Just to say "hi", and ask about my day. And, just like that, I felt that I got my groove back with him -- something about that call just made me feel warm and fuzzy.

His thoughtful emails have resumed -- they're not treacly, more of the vein of "here's that link to that thing we talked about the other night". There's an occasional "can't wait to see you again". Our last date was a few days ago -- a mellow night with a few drinks. And now, I'm about to go out of town for the holiday weekend -- we have plans to see each other early next week, if he's feeling up to it.

Some *good* news: it seems that he may have a diagnosis for this malady that's been giving him a lot of discomfort (and often pain) these past few weeks. Fingers crossed!

I mentioned that last week I was contemplating dating other guys -- I think I'm going to shelve that thought for now. One, I'm too busy with work right now... and two, I really like Jon Hamm, and it seems that he likes me as well. For what it's worth: I noticed that he hasn't logged onto the dating site in about 3 weeks. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, but still made me smile.

Ha -- in the meantime -- lately, there's been a pattern emerging of guys from my past popping up. Smiley sometimes texts, asking if I'm free for a drink -- it's always last minute, and never good timing. Hoffman (from about 4 months ago) recently got back in touch -- I told him I'm seeing someone. Smooch (with whom I had maybe 3 dates over a period of 4 months) recently got back in touch. Must be this warm weather!

Hair crush... and then, this

2010-06-20T09:20:00.006-04:00

I may have mentioned here before -- I just love a guy with a full, thick head of hair -- that's just my "thing".

I was on the road for work this week, and one guy I was working with had just that kind of hair. I briefly crushed on... those lush, full follicles. He was a pretty good-looking guy, but it was the hair that got me. Anyway, I know better than to hit on a co-worker, and soon realized his personality wasn't really my type anyway. But oh... that hair.

I've also been swooning a bit over this guy -- I'm a new fan of GLEE, having watched all the episodes over the past few weeks.

Then there's Jon Hamm (not the "real" Jon Hamm, but the guy I've been out with about 7 or 8 times) -- he has what one might determine a "pretty good" head of hair for a 40-something guy -- but with him, it's more about the whole picture. He is cute, but more important, he's warm, sweet, smart, affectionate. AND he thinks I'm beautiful, and tells me so.

Taking a slightly serious turn here right now - I can't go into details, but he seems to be having a bit of a medical "thing" going on at the moment. It's not as dire as cancer (heaven forbid) -- but it's more than a simple headache.

He's in the process of having some tests done. He's had to cancel at least one date with me because he wasn't feeling up to it. I completely understand that he probably has bigger things on his mind right now than thinking about anything to do with "us" (is there even an "us" yet, this early? It's been nearly a month since our first date).

Anyway. I've told him that I'm here to help in any way possible -- and right now, if that simply means sending along good wishes and funny YouTube links as a distraction, then so be it. He shows his appreciation by telling me things like, "you're as sweet as you are lovely.". (awww!)

I still don't want to date anyone else. I still have a good feeling about him... and I just know, in my gut, that he's going to be okay. Soon, I hope.

New design.

2010-06-10T22:04:00.004-04:00

Like it? I'm not as tech-y as most other bloggers, with their cool custom designs. But when Blogger offered up a few easy peasy new designs on a platter, this one called to me.

Update on Jon Hamm to come soon... I'm getting a slightly weird vibe from him today for the first time, and I hope that either, one, I'm wrong -- or, two, it passes. Details to come.

UPDATE: newer design. Simple, black text on light background. Better?

And... thankfully, the "weird vibe" I thought I was getting from Jon has passed. We met for a drink last night, and he brought up the fact that he's stressed with work... but seemed to be his sweet, fun self again. I'm going to see him at some point this weekend before I go out of town for the week.

What started off as rather giddy for both of us seems to have mellowed into a more realistic (but still warm) vibe.

To answer a question in the recent comments -- no, we haven't slept with each other yet. But we'll see what the vibe is like by the time I'm back from my trip -- by then, it'll be about a month since our first date... so... we shall see.

What's this "calm" I'm feeling??

2010-06-05T16:46:00.004-04:00

I had another wonderful date with Jon Hamm this week, bringing us up to four dates so far. The usual fun time: lots of talking, laughing, eating, drinking, smooching. It's still feeling fun and easy. By the end of the date, we had plans in place to see each other again a few days later.

The next day, I found myself thinking about him -- in the interest of taking things slowly and following his lead, I had decided to let him make contact next. That afternoon, he called. Yes, called. An old-fashioned phone call -- so rare in this day and age of texts and emails. It was just a call to say "hi". So refreshing.

When I told my best friend D about this, her response was, "I can't remember the last time a guy called me!". Isn't it funny / sad that this is what our expectations are these days?

Overall, I'm feeling really good about this guy, while realizing it's too soon to know anything. I'm much calmer than I normally am in this kind of situation, and it just feels good to NOT be stressing over him. It helps that he's sending encouraging vibes my way in between dates, in the form of sweet (but not treacly) calls and texts.

Earlier this year, I had decided that my dating motto for the year was going to be:
RELAX, AND ENJOY THE RIDE.

And that's exactly what I'm doing with him.

In the meantime: remember Francois, the adorable Frenchie? We had two dates a few weeks ago, just before I went out of town. After that time, he was rather flaky about being in touch, so I wrote him off.

He got back in touch this week. We talked about getting together to go biking, but then the weather didn't cooperate, so we canceled.

The next day I got a surprise text from him: he was offering me four free tickets for the show he works for -- but it had to be for that night. (I'd rather not write the actual name of the show here, but think "circus" and "sun"). I wrangled a few friends, and off we went.

The show was enjoyable enough, and he gave us a backstage tour after. A part of me was hoping he'd be able to hang out for a drink, but he had a friend's going-away party that he had to go to. We made plans (once again) to go biking the next day -- plans that he called to cancel because of a work conflict. And he's leaving town in a few days, so that would have been our last chance to see each other.

While I found myself swooning after seeing him again, my friend C offered up the wise words that while Francois would have been just a fun boy toy, Jon is "real life". That works for me.

AND... I finally got around to emailing both Sparky and Austin Powers, stretching the truth somewhat by saying I'd reconnected with someone from my past, and would like to see where it might go. Gracious replies by each. I'm glad to have both those chapters closed -- both were very nice guys, but "the" feeling just wasn't there.

Getting off the dating carousel.

2010-06-01T13:07:00.002-04:00

Since my first date with Jon last week, we had another wonderful evening together -- a picnic in the park -- plus a quick coffee just before I went out of town for the weekend.

It / he just feels... right. Way too soon to tell where this might go, but right now, I'm enjoying the ride. I'm very excited to get to know him better, and he seems equally giddy as well. Saying that -- while his emails and texts have been quite enthusiastic, I'm trying to keep mine a bit more subdued. If this continues, there will be time for that. Later.

I must say, he gives VERY good email! While I was away over the weekend, we exchanged a few emails and texts. He's funny, smart, sweet and flirty. Definitely made me excited about seeing him again -- we have plans later this week.

In the meantime, I've decided to get off the dating merry-go-round that I've been riding of late. This isn't to say that I've decided to date him exclusively... I just don't want to date anyone else right now. It feels really good to have more time to go out with my friends, or just more time alone.

I still have to officially cancel things with Sparky -- after five dates, I feel that I should do this via phone, which seems more courteous than email. Still, I keep postponing it -- I hate making this type of call, though I'm sure he won't exactly be heartbroken. Chances are, he won't even be surprised -- I canceled our date last week, and cut short the one prior to it.

I can't wait to see Jon again. Am trying not to think about him too much. Trying to stay distracted, and *not* continuously reread his emails and texts. Trying.

A little bit giddy.

2010-05-25T22:46:00.004-04:00

So -- last night's date. I wrote this about him a few weeks ago:

* I got an email the other day from a new guy on OK Cupid -- well, not so new. I *knew* he looked familiar, but couldn't place him. Let's call him Curly, due to his hair. I searched my dating Word docs from the past five years -- no mention of Curly in recent years. (I only started keeping notes on my dating life in 2005)

I wrote back to him, saying I just KNEW that we'd met before, but couldn't place him. He wrote back -- he'd figured it out -- an old friend of mine is his cousin, and we met while I was out with her one night about ten years ago. He said that we seemed to hit it off at the time, but we never went out again -- I was about to leave the country for a few weeks.

I have a new, improved blog name for him. Rather than Curly, I'd rather call him Jon -- he bears a slight resemblance to Jon Hamm, aka Don Draper. Especially that fabulous smile.

So -- Jon it is.

When "Jon" and I met for our date at a local wine bar, there was an immediate ease. This definitely wasn't my average anonymous online date, and I liked it. He admitted that I'd made quite an impression when we met that last time. We both found ourselves smiling quite a lot.

After drinks, we strolled around the neighborhood for what felt like hours. We smooched. We made plans for later in the week.

He emailed me today -- a very sweet followup. I emailed back. I smiled at my computer as I wrote to him.

And... I'm feeling a bit, well, superstitious, about writing too much about him just yet. I'm cautiously optimistic about him. The best way to describe this? He just feels like he "fits". Again, it's only been ONE date, but you know how it is. Sometimes you get that feeling, sometimes you don't.

It made me realize -- the two recent guys who I've been trying to make fit -- Sparky and Austin -- they just don't. It's only been two dates with Austin -- but I've now been out with Sparky five times, and I think it's time to finally acknowledge that the connection just isn't going to happen.

*******
Tonight I had a drink with Guy Friend, and I told him about my evening with Jon, and mentioned his last name. Crazy coincidence: turns out Guy Friend dated Jon's sister a few years ago -- actually, for a period of a few months. Another kooky example that, for a big city, New York can be a very small town indeed.

Ten years later...

2010-05-25T00:55:00.003-04:00

Just got in from a truly fabulous first date -- with a guy I initially met ten years ago.

Details to come...

NY, I've missed you!

2010-05-22T13:00:00.008-04:00

I'm back in NY, and thus, back in DatingLand.

In the past few days:

* I had a fifth date with Sparky. A few weeks ago, I blogged:
I'm still on the fence about him... I like him, but there's something missing. A friend once said: I want someone who can run faster than I can (metaphorically speaking). And I don't think he's that guy.

And... I'm still not sure. I'm not getting the "zing", but I'm also wondering just how important that really is. I've decided that I don't need to decide anything right now -- as long as I continue to enjoy his company and still want to see him again, that's all I need to know.

This made me like him just a little bit more yesterday -- in his profile pics, he was clean shaven in some, and slightly bearded in the others. His current look is bearded, though he said he'll shave it all off about once a year. I mentioned that I was curious about seeing him clean shaven -- so he showed up that way on our last date. I thought that was very thoughtful.

* I had a first date with a dapper older gentleman -- let's call him Dapper Dan. (date #176) Dan and I began emailing while I was out of town -- oh, he was a charmer! He asked to meet up shortly after my return -- we set a date for the night after I got home.

Dan's profile stated that he was 46, but a quick search revealed that he was actually 52 -- generally outside my dating range, but he seemed fun and youthful, and thus worth a drink. As far as lying about his age, I decided that if it went beyond a first date, I'd bring it up.

Dan wanted to plan a special night for us: he picked me up in his expensive sporty car (his self-admitted midlife-crisis purchase), and took me to a pricey steakhouse. He looked very good for his age, and he quickly fessed up the truth about his real age -- and I confessed that I already knew.

We started with cocktails, and quickly moved onto wine. We had oysters, ribeyes, truffled creamed spinach, dessert. We began kissing an hour later. (the restaurant was quite dark, and we were at a back table) We talked quite openly about what we were both looking for. We kissed more in his car after he drove me home.

And the next morning, he emailed that while he'd had a lovely time, he just sensed that this just wasn't the "it" that we were both looking for. I would have been happy to try for a second date, but was fine to leave it at that. There was just *something* amiss that I can't quite put my finger on - maybe the age difference? Eh, at this point, it doesn't matter anyway.

* before I went out of town, I had a date with Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. Actually, "Austin" doesn't seem all that mysterious so far -- but he was born in Europe, raised in Africa, and has been a New Yorker for the past ten years. So -- he's got the "international" part going. (he also has much better teeth than his film namesake)

I'm having trouble describing Austin -- during the first date, I sensed a sweetness, a certain naïvité -- but I could be way off. We had a brief kiss goodnight. We exchanged a few emails while I was away, and have plans again tomorrow.

Maybe I'm getting that impression of him because he lacks the edge that many native New Yorkers (and / or Americans) seem to possess...? Who knows. I'll get more of a read after our next date. I DO know that he's smart, seems funny and is definitely adorable.

* François, my little French crush. We exchanged a few emails while I was away -- he wrote, we definitely should get together when you're back in town. I suggested Monday or Tuesday. No response. C'est la vie.

He's only in New York for another two weeks or so... so really, who needs a fling with a very sexy... adorable... charming guy... who has ridiculous chemistry with me...? Um...

* Curly -- the guy from OKC who I originally met ten years ago through a friend -- and I have a date set for this week. It'll be nice to have a first date that isn't completely anonymous.

* I'm not considering going out with this guy, though he did make me laugh. From a 26-year-old: After a careful analysis of your profile, I came to a conclusion that you should go for younger men. You might as well -- we never mature anyway. ;)

So. A lot of options at the moment. Not enough time.

Um... come again? (so to speak)

2010-05-15T16:14:00.003-04:00

I'm still out of town on business. A few days before I left, I started an email exchange with a new guy on OK Cupid -- let's call him Ron, as in Ron Jeremy.

"Ron's" emails were the usual at first -- some basics about him, questions for me, then wishes for a good trip, and he looked forward to seeing me when I got back.

Then this. WARNING: it's rather X-rated, so if you're at all sensitive to that sort of thing, click away now!

He wrote:

*******

A story for you...to read on the road, I suppose.

let's just say your pictures "inspired" me

...it's that unsure period between consciousness and dreaming, you press your naked backside to my front side. warm flesh nestled so perfectly together, i can hear your heavy breathing and yet my cock is slowly waking..your hand reaches back splitting us apart as you gently grab my swelling cock...your ass presses against me, rubbing, grinding, the rhythm arouses me to full consciousness

my hand drapes over your breasts seeking out your nipples with my expert fingertips...your eyes close as I pinch and tug...your lips part with a long sigh, it's the one thing you ache for, the intoxicating mixture of pleasure and pain pain I give you like a spoiled child, though at times the pain feels unbearable, you hiss and jerk your head grabbing the headboard, whimpering and begging for more

slowly my hand snakes its way to your hipbone and the flesh of your pussy, massaging you gently...you're so consumed with the thought of my fingers pushing inside you

I tease you relentlessly and want you to beg, so you whimper and grab my arm leading to your lust...a finger slides slowly into your wetness and pulls back to your hard clit and I rub until you begin panting and coming

"yesss" drips from my lips when you come hard

"fuck me..."

"fuck me," you plea

my body shifts upward, parts your legs and my cock gently begins to tease you ever so slightly...when I thrust inside you, you shudder at the relief of finally having your pussy properly filled, on my knees I drive into you and hold my place as your legs wrap around me to buck against my throbbing dick...I hit your insides just right, you flood my cock with your juices as they run onto me and soak the sheets beneath us

this all stops when when my seed spills deep inside you and you milk my cock, watching me jerk and moan as your siphon off every last drop

*******

Um -- really? Not only is it hella-cheesy, but dude, don't you at least want to buy me a drink first?

I'm not exactly sure how my pics "inspired" him. There's no nudity, and certainly no milking of cocks, in my pics.

I haven't written back yet. I'm not really interested in dating someone who thinks that this is the way to woo a woman, but I think a good comeback is in order. No pun intended.

Suggestions?

Eyjafjallajökull sucks.

2010-05-09T14:59:00.005-04:00

That damn Icelandic volcano is a thorn in my side. I have a flight tomorrow for a work trip, and that ash-hole just might disrupt my plans. Deep breath -- serenity now!

In the meantime, a few quick dating updates:

* I had three lunch dates last week. I've since decided that I hate lunch dates. I just don't like having my work day disrupted like that -- seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway. Two were definite NO's, and one is a strong MAYBE.

* I've now had four dates with Sparky. I'm still on the fence about him... I like him, but there's something missing. A friend once said: I want someone who can run faster than I can (metaphorically speaking). And I don't think he's that guy. Anyway -- I don't need to decide anything right now - will see what it feels like when I'm back in town.

* Sigh! Then there's François...oooh, mon petit amour! Well -- not amour, but I don't know how to say "object of lust" in French. HELLA hot, tres sexy French guy -- we've had two dates so far -- BUT he's only working in NY temporarily, leaving in a few weeks. The kissing chemistry? Ohhh la la. The other day, after date number two, he wrote to me: next time, I will keep you for the night. Oui, s'il vous plaît! Alas, "next time" will have to wait about two weeks, after my trip...

* I got an email the other day from a new guy on OK Cupid -- well, not so new. I *knew* he looked familiar, but couldn't place him. Let's call him Curly, due to his hair. I searched my dating Word docs from the past five years -- no mention of Curly in recent years. (I only started keeping notes on my dating life in 2005)

I wrote back to him, saying I just KNEW that we'd met before, but couldn't place him. He wrote back -- he figured it out -- an old friend of mine is his cousin, and we met while I was out with her one night about ten years ago. He said that we seemed to hit it off at the time, but we never went out again -- I was about to leave the country for a few weeks.

IF my hazy memory is correct, I think I was distracted by a hot young Brazilian guy at the time, and maybe that's why I didn't go out with Curly again. Anyway - we have a nice email rapport now, so we'll see if there's a connection when I'm back in town in a few weeks.

Have a great next-two-weeks -- and wish me luck with this damn volcano!

Adventures in Speed Dating -- the Grand Finale

2010-05-06T00:17:00.008-04:00

Sorry to keep you waiting ... it's been a busy week! Get ready for possibly my longest post ever...

In my last installment of Douchebaggery 101, my friend Rita and I discovered that a guy we'd met during speed dating was putting the moves on both of us -- hard. This was one smooth operator. For those who asked: OH yes, it was very clear at the event that he knew we were friends.

FRIDAY:
Once she told me the scoop of how their date went down, we both decided that neither of us wanted anything else to do with him. But we couldn't let him know that just yet -- it was time to play the player.

The morning after his date with Rita, Rico Suave emailed me to see if I was free for coffee that afternoon. I said yes, and also turned on the charm -- I started making suggestions for our upcoming date that weekend, suggesting a walk along the river, or we could even hang out at my place and watch a movie.

And -- well, whattaya know! -- I had to cancel our (supposed) coffee date about an hour beforehand because I had to go into a meeting. Sorry, dude. He said he understood, but was going to be in my area anyway, if I happened to be free before 6 pm. I later wrote back that our time window had closed, but we'd figure something out for Sunday.

I'm not a mean person by nature. I'm a believer (somewhat) in karmic retribution. So even though we knew that this guy was a smarmy liar, I didn't feel that I could go along with the "playing the player" game all that long.

Then Rita sent me the picture. During their date, they were chatting with a woman next to them at the bar, and this stranger asked to take a picture of Rita and Rico with her iPhone (Rita had no idea why the crazy lady wanted to do that, but she rolled with it). The woman then sent it to Rico, who sent it to Rita with a note:

the caption will read - [Rico] with beautiful woman on thursday night !! thanks once again for a lovely evening.

She and I both got a laugh out of that, and I decided the charade could go on a bit longer.

SATURDAY:
But by the next morning, I was ready to just be done with it. I thought about sending a dramatic email along the lines of: "I need to cancel tomorrow. You know why". But thought it better to just be straightforward. I wrote:

Rico,
Just had to let you know -- it was nice meeting you, but I've decided to pursue other options and need to cancel our plans for tomorrow night.

Take care and good luck.
LV

The whole day went by without a response from him. I figured, typical guy, silence is the answer, and was fine with it.

That night, I was on a first date with a new guy (details to come). At one point, I went to the restroom, and had a look at my phone. Within the prior two hours, Rico had sent three texts, left a voice message and sent an email.

Hm, is it inappropriate for me to reprint the email below...? Maybe. But in light of the situation, I think I have a free pass here, so there you go:

Hi
wow I went from your email below..to your last one..so much for doused expectations, I feel like I am missing something the switch was too big. Please let me know if I am wrong?

as i was running out the door to meet my friends tonight i looked at my bb and then read your email about pursuing other options. I felt like the rug was pulled under my feet i got so depressed I cancelled my plans and just came home.

its funny this whole week I was dating and I was thinking all I could think about was I would rather being seeing you - i just couldn't enjoy anyone else as much. don't get me wrong I had a good time but it was you I was looking forward to.

I was actually began to write an email to cancel Thurs date to tell her that i feel uncomfortable because I was interested in you then I stopped thinking that would be foolish. I only met you once, who knows what you really feel and even if we will see each other again, you might do a 360, and tell me you don't want to see me. and wow that's precisely what happened! Perhaps you met someone you liked allot better or an old flame or you heard something about me that probably is not true. I do dislike the not knowing what happened and just guessing.

I really would like to save this situation, can we talk about it, but only if you feel i might add value in your getting to know me as i would certainly like to get to know you. Best wishes. [Rico]

Keep in mind, this guy and I hung out ONCE before. For him to cancel his evening plans because I didn't want to see him again? That says much less about how awesome I am than it does about how unstable he must be. Then again, that could have been a lie as well.

SUNDAY:
The next day I wrote back that I'd try to call or email him later, but I had a busy day and didn't get around to it. He texted me that night that he was feeling really down, because he thought we'd had something. Ugh. I needed to nip this in the bud.

Meanwhile, he'd also texted Rita, asking her to call him, saying it was important. She texted back that she was at a family gathering, and couldn't call at that time.

MONDAY:
Neither of us heard from him the whole day -- whew! -- til finally late that night, Rita got this email from him (please note, typos are HIS, not mine!):

Rita, i feel like i have become persona non gratta with you and [Loverville]. Unfortunately im not sure why and I really would prefer not to guess because left up to my own devices I am thinking of several possibilities. Normally I wont ever ask a woman why she dosnt want to go out with me. It seems once a guy asks he is labeled as a looser or someone who cant handle rejection.

But this time seemed a little too weird for me, I thought both of you had a nice time with me ( although LV perhaps? was more) please tell me if was I so completely off base?. Specifically If you could let me know if I was too disrespectful to you (I thought maybe I was) or there was simply no chemistry? or something completely different ( i have 3 ideas). Youre letting me know would really be so helpful to me for the future. thankfully certain major events have changed in my life this month so i really would so much like to start a committed relationship with someone and I don't want to make the same mistakes again that i must of done with the both of you. So please Rita i really would appreciate your input. Be as blunt as possible - if you think i was a jerk let me know. If you think i lied tell me. If you feel uncomfortable -please don't - you would be helping me. I want to improve my ways otherwise I will be left constantly making the same mistakes as before and getting hurt again. All the best and looking forward to hearing from you. Rico

As Rita added to me:

Um...How can he be so obtuse? The answer is right in front of your face, dude. YOU AND LV!!! He so doesn't get that he's not supposed to aggressively court TWO friends at once! On the same night even, via text and phone!!!

After some discussion, Rita and I decided that we'd let her take the reins and try to open this guy's eyes a bit. She wrote:

Rico, the reason LV and I have remained silent is that we're no longer interested in being in contact. So our worry is that if we explain things to you (or if I do, as proxy), then you will get back in touch with us, try to explain your side of the story, or even just try to apologize. And the truth is that we don't want to hear that. Actions have spoken loudly enough for us.

So if you would like to agree not to contact LV or me again--not even in response to whatever explanation I offer--then I will be willing to explain.

-Rita

He replied:

thank you for responding to my email. I am totally freaked out it sounds so ominous what could I of done to warrant becoming such a complete anathema that you are both worried that I may contact you ? Are you okay? So Let me say in advance I am so terribly sorry if I was physically or verbally abusive to either of you I honestly don't think I was but if am wrong I truly truly apologize. that's the only thing I can imagine would cause such strong negative feelings from anyone. so if you can please be clear about what I did it sounds terrible and as I have no choice I will not justify what I have done? Actions speak louder then words ?

She replied to him:

Rico, you don't need to consider my email ominous. No, there was no abuse, but you did act dishonestly and made some very poor decisions considering what your feelings may have been. Let's start with what you knew the night you met LV and me: We're good friends. Good friends talk, especially about guys. But when I "matched" with you, all I knew was that that night, you met us both-- LV is a more outgoing person, and I am more reserved, and so as far as I knew, you two had a chat. But you knew (and I would learn) that in fact you and LV had been kissing and forming some kind of connection after I left. AND you told her that although you were impressed by her friends, you would select only her as your "Match." I let LV know that you had lied when you said that. You obviously chose me as a match as well.

And then Thursday, on the same night, you're telling LV you'll call her at 10, telling me we'll meet at around 9:30 (although we know it was later--one assumes you were probably on another date!), trying to kiss me goodnight at 2:15, then texting LV a couple dozen minutes later that you can't wait to see her. I mean, come on Rico, that's super tacky! If you were so into LV, you should have never agreed to meet with me--or even asked for my number. But to talk to me about how you hate multiple dating and only want one girl, then to tell LV all your other dates were nothing compared to her, basically, Rico, whatever comes out of your mouth we won't believe.

Did you really think LV would think it's cool that after kissing her you're asking for her friend's number? Or I'd be excited that after you're texting what a nice time you had with me, you're immediately texting LV that you really want to see her? Really, that doesn't come to mind at all? And then add in that you lied to LV directly about matching with her friends? Ew, Rico.

So because we don't trust your words, and because we'd really just rather move on, we hope you'll accept this explanation and move on as well.

(Nicely said, huh? She has a way with words!)

Twenty minutes later, he replied:

Totally deserved. points well taken. it is to my complete loss that I did not end up with LV in a relationship and you Rita as a good friend. I really mean it. Thank you for the a lesson well learned I truly apreciate it. I needed to hear it and took it to heart. I am only responding to thank you both I will not bother you again. Best of luck in finding great guys for great women.

End of story. Whew! We were both relieved to have that book firmly shut. An entire Greek drama over the course of a week!

A part of me feels bad for him -- not bad enough to attempt to date him (nooosireee, Bob!). But I couldn't help but wonder how someone maintains that level of cluelessness about other human beings.

Other dating updates to follow soon. Preview: I've met a hot French guy. Two dates so far. The kissing chemistry is off the charts. The bad news? He's only going to be in NY for a few more weeks -- and I'm going to be out of town for ten days during that time. Argh.

Adventures in Speed Dating, part III

2010-05-02T15:50:00.006-04:00

When Rita told me that Rico had asked for her number, my immediate (naive) thought was, she probably told him she's a big Yankee fan, and maybe he is as well, and they're going to talk baseball! Because of COURSE he wouldn't think of macking on my friend... would he?

I wrote back to her:
Of course -- let's just feel it out. True -- you are more reserved, and gave no indication whatsoever that you might have liked him!

... but at that moment I didn't have time to give her all the details. I had a busy day of work, and it wasn't until much later that day that I got around to emailing Rita the details of the post-speeddating drinks and smooching with Rico.

Her bombshell:
I didn't realize until just now that he was kissing you all night, but he DID call a little while ago -- and he asked if I could hang out tonight.

She was due to meet him within the hour.

On one hand -- we did both meet him at speed dating, which pretty much makes anyone fair game. On the other hand: he KNEW she was my friend. And she and I now knew that he had lied to me about not choosing any other women from the event.

By this point, we were both pretty amused that this guy could be so clueless. I encouraged her to still meet him, but to be sure to report the details. Interestingly, just before all this went down, he called me. I was just finishing work, and asked if I could call him back 20 minutes later -- he said he'd be busy from about 8:30 - 10 pm, but he'd love to talk after that time.

I later found out from Rita that she wasn't due to meet him until about 9:30, which meant that he was likely seeing her after his previous date. Classy. (Ok, true, I did that once... guilty as charged!)

Meanwhile, I had decided that I was still going to play along -- I texted him around the time we were due to talk, and said I was still busy with work, but I'd call him within the hour. He texted back that he couldn't believe I was still at work, but he'd love to talk whenever I was free. And yes, he texted this while he was still on the date with Rita.

He later texted me at 2 am: I love the way you make me feel. Seriously. Ew.

Later that night, Rita texted me:
He's a fascinating guy. A troubled guy. And a two-faced guy. He probably believes both faces. I think we can give him a verdict of smarmy. But neither of us would have known that if not for the other. He comes on strong, and seems sincere.

The next day, she gave me the full scoop:

"Well, ten minutes before he texted you at 2 am, he texted me about what a good time he had. And he had tried to kiss me goodnight--three times, while his arms were around my waist. He got a tap kiss, very chaste. But man, trying three times! Let me tell you, he says all the right things. All the right things, that is, if you can trust him. Which one obviously can not. If I were able to trust the things he'd said last night, I'm sure I would have let him kiss me -- but it felt totally wrong for a whole mess of reasons, including you!

First of all, a major topic of his conversation--I shit you not--was how much he hates "multiple dating." How he just wants to date one girl and have that one girl date just him. But of course that's so hard in the city, so he HAS to date multiple women, even though it's not what he wants. Meanwhile, he's telling me I'm perfect. I'd make the perfect companion at all the events he has to go to. He name dropped -- so-and-so is a client, etc. And I was saying all the WRONG things--I was thinking, I don't care, let's see what happens. So I was like--oh, this is not really first date conversation, but one of the reasons I multiple date is that I really want a family and a husband and a kid, and it seems in my best interest not to put all my proverbial eggs in one basket. And he's like, Wow, that's so honest, you're perfect.

And yes, you are exactly right--this is more than a reminder, it's EVIDENCE how careful we must be with the guys who come on strong. This one is off the wall! Man, it's almost a psychological/sociological exercise I'm glad we went through just so we KNOW what can happen! Everything out of his mouth was, oh, I want this to be a good date for you, I'm so glad we did this, I was like an eager puppy when you called me back, etc.

So I don't want to see him again because he's TOTALLY untrustworthy. But I texted him back that I had a nice time too. Like you, I'm just curious to see what happens."

But wait... there's more! To be continued...

Adventures in Speed Dating, II

2010-04-30T16:34:00.003-04:00

I wasn’t very impressed with the selection of guys. There was the Low Talker, the Sloucher, the Chubby Kosher Guy.

Then there was Rico Suave – he didn’t exactly come off as a smooth operator, but we immediately hit it off. Funny, a little goofy, vivacious. He said I was a breath of fresh air. The six minutes flew by, and after our “date” it was time for a fifteen-minute break. He bought me a drink, we ate mini burgers together and simply enjoyed each other’s company until it was time to return to “date” the others.

The rest of the dates were duds compared to the colorful Rico. After the event ended, a few of us wound up back in the bar area, until he and I gradually found our own corner. My friends left one by one. He asked if I’d like to get another drink elsewhere – I said I’d be delighted. Or something a little less corny than that.

I don’t spend that much time in that part of the city, so when we walked past the Plaza Hotel fountain, I said we had to stop to admire it for a minute. He then confessed that he'd wanted to kiss me back in the bar – I said this would actually be a much better place for that. He remarked that it was a lovely, cinematic moment, and we kissed.

We went to a nearby bar for another drink. Earlier we’d started with wine, and had moved onto Manhattans. Hm, this could be dangerous. We talked, we smooched, we flirted. And before we knew it, it was 1:30 am, and definitely time to go home.

He insisted – he had to know when he could see me again. How about next Monday? A restaurant he really liked had a special event going on -- once he’d learned that I was a bit of a foodie, he knew instantly that he had to take me there. Nice – I like a man with some good city knowledge in his back pocket.

He texted me as soon as he got home, and for the next two days we exchanged texts, emails and (in his case) a phone message. He said he’d been thinking about me. He didn’t want to wait until Monday to see me.

At some point during the post speed-dating “date”, he mentioned that he thought my friends were really cool, and maybe he could set them up with some of his friends. He also volunteered the information that he was planning on choosing only me via the online matching system of the speed dating organizers. Aw, nice.

This morning, my friend Rita emailed me (we hadn’t spoken since the event):

We probably should have anticipated that there'd be ONE great guy at that speed dating thing, and we'd all want to at least see if it's a "match." I could see you liked Rico -- knowing my personality is more reserved I'm not sure if you could tell I liked him too.

Just wanted to let you know he asked if he could call me, and I gave him my number. Of course that could lead to nothing, as it usually does, or friendship or whatever, but I wouldn't want to keep that info from you. Not sure what we should do going forward--want to feel it out and see how it goes?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Adventures in Speed Dating

2010-04-29T22:57:00.002-04:00

My friend "Rita" and I had been talking about doing a speed dating event for ages - she had never been, and was encouraged when I had three matches at a recent event (never mind that none of those guys have remained in the picture...).

We set the date. She asked if she could invite another mutual friend, Stella. Sure. A few days later -- pure coincidence -- I found out that another friend, Mary, had signed up. And when I found out that Lucky Girl had never done one of these milestones-in-NY-dating? Well -- come along! The more the merrier!

There are some pros and some cons to doing a speed dating event with a gaggle of friends.

Pros: you can rehash over the lame dates afterwards.

Cons: you might like the same guy. And he might like both of you. Or all of you.

TO BE CONTINUED...

My name is Loverville, and I'm a dateaholic (and date #167)

2010-04-25T23:33:00.006-04:00

As I learned a few weeks ago: three dates in one day was overkill. I won't be doing that again anytime soon.

However: I'm already finding myself a bit overwhelmed with scheduling dates for this week. Here's what happened: a few weeks ago, I found that things seemed to be drying up on Match. Then the very fabulous Lucky Girl mentioned that she was on OK Cupid -- last time I tried that site, about two years ago, I didn't have much luck. Kooky guys wearing top hats and 21-year-olds living in mom's basement in Ronkonkoma just didn't appeal to me. I know, I'm so picky.

But it seems that the site - and the guys - have grown up a bit. The site is free, so what did I have to lose? I signed up, and started "favorite"-ing a few cute, interesting guys.

The first few guys I wrote to never wrote back. I wrote to a few more. In the meantime, I had some correspondence with a few more Match guys. Started talking about planning drinks.

Then -- I wouldn't exactly call it an avalanche, but thus began a small landslide of guys writing to me. Many of them seemed smart, interesting, cute -- they seemed more appropriate for me than the "maybe" guys I had already agreed to go out with, but it didn't feel right to cancel on those other guys.

So -- I'm currently looking at five dates planned for this week -- some of those will be lunch or coffee dates. I *do* realize that any of those could fall through at any given moment. In addition, there may be more dates added to the roster, but I'm going to try to avoid that.

I've come to realize something about myself: I think I like the planning and anticipation as much as the actual dates. (and sometimes more, if it turns out to be a lame date). I like that giddy feeling when I get a well-written, funny email from a new guy.

I know for sure that if one of these guys really pushed my buttons, I'd certainly be happy to give up the shopping. But for now? Well, a girl has to make the most of a situation, yes?

Why not put some of these off, you might ask? Actually -- for a few, I am. But for others, I worry that if I postpone them too long, they might lose interest. You know, strike while the iron is hot, and all that.

UPDATES:

Date #167. "Neo" (seen above) was the first of my afternoon, mid-week coffee dates. I've decided that this is a great idea for those guys I'm not quite sure about -- this way, I don't lose an entire evening to a bad date. And if it turns out to be a decent date, I'd be happy to make date number two a proper grown-up date, as in, after dark and boozy.

Neo looked just like Keanu here -- dark hair, dark glasses (which was fitting -- it was sunny outside). Interesting guy. Some commonalities. A minus: he seemed to talk quite a lot, without always gauging my level of interest. Worth another shot, though.

He has emailed me since about getting together -- I just have to see where I can squeeze him in.

I've also had a second date with Sparky -- he planned a fun, thoughtful evening for us. I realized over a drink just how nice it was to have that dose of familiarity. Spent a fun few hours with him. Again, I'm still not really feeling fireworks, but I like him enough to see him again, which is all I need to know right now.

However: the best night of the week may have been with the fabulous Red (in town from the Left Coast) and her posse, along with Lucky Girl. A grand old time was had by all! See LG's hilarious writeup for all the lurid details.

Dates #165 & 166

2010-04-21T23:12:00.006-04:00

I'm still a bit tipsy from tonight's date, so for the moment, I'm just going to throw this out there and see what sticks. Note: it just took about six attempts to spell the word "moment" correctly. Blame it on the wine.

Earlier this week: date #165. I'm blanking on a descriptive name for him, so let's just call him 165 for now. Good enough conversation. He's likable. A bit of smooching at the end. He asked me to get together this weekend, and I said yes.

There were no crazy fireworks the way there were on that first date with Bond (formerly known as BEST FIRST DATE EVER) -- but maybe that's okay? Maybe it's better to start with a small spark, rather than explosive pyrotechnics? We'll see.

It just hit me: he will now be known as Sparky.

Tonight's date, #166. Let's call him Tom -- I'll explain why in a moment. Tom and I started writing a week or so ago, and immediately had this fabulous online connection. We were intrigued by one another, and wanted to uncover every stone, but because of our schedules, we wouldn't be able to meet til tonight, Wednesday.

No problem -- the anticipation was fun. I just counted: in the course of a week, he sent me about 60-something emails, and I probably replied back each time. One day, we IMd for about two hours. At the same time, we were realistic in realizing that though we might like each other on paper, the in-person chemistry would either be there... or it wouldn't. And if it wasn't, we sensed we'd remain friends anyway.

Today was the day. I got my first email from him at 8 am -- he seemed as excited as I was. I even went out and bought a new dress, a very hot red wrap thing. As I walked to the wine bar to meet him, I realized I was nervous -- I couldn't remember the last time I was nervous about a date.

Long story short: we spent three hours talking, drinking, eating. We told stories, jokes, anecdotes. At times, I found myself wondering: how do you *know* when the chemistry is there? The fact that I was asking myself that meant that it was clearly lacking. I'm sure he felt the same way -- and that's fine.

Why the blog name Tom? He happens to look like my friend Shmutti's friend Tom, is all. "Her" Tom happens to be bald, gay and very dapper - I don't think my guy tonight was gay, but he certainly was dapper.

I DID have one really fabulous date this week: I met some of my favorite fellow bloggers, and had a blast! I met Lucky Girl (who already felt like an old buddy, as we'd been emailing quite a bit), Simone of Sex, Lies & Dating, KB in NYC, and Celeste of the Big Girl Blog. They all rock, big time -- smart, fun, vivacious. Ladies, if you're reading this -- great to meet you all, and hope to do it again soon!

Farewell to Bond.

2010-04-16T00:12:00.006-04:00

In the most recent comments, a few people thought that I wrote off Bond too soon, and didn't give him enough of a chance. I replied:

Trust me, I liked Bond a LOT, and was very hopeful about him. I don't think I articulated the timeline about him very clearly here -- I didn't want to write him off at all, but felt that I had to once I sensed that he was distancing himself (while I stayed hopeful, in the back of my mind).

He pretty much went from "we have a great connection" and "I see something here" ... to radio silence. How else could I react, but to write him off? When you know, you know.

Turns out my gut was right - I got some "closure" this week. Details to come!

I was serious about this guy from the get-go. I got that very rare feeling on the first date that this could be someone really special.

And -- confession time -- I was so excited that I took down my Match profile after our first date. THAT'S how much I was willing to focus on him and only him. Premature? Probably. It's not like I told him I was taking down my profile. If he freaked out about it, I could always say that since I was going out of the country, I felt no need to have it up. Or something like that.

Incidentally, he was the one, on our very first date, who suggested a timeline of one month: if things were still great after that time, he'd love for us to date exclusively and take down our profiles. I said we should simply play things by ear. I know, I know, beware of these rush hour guys -- but sometimes it's hard NOT to get swept up in the moment by this guy who seems crazy about you, n'est-ce pas? Live and learn. Again.

So -- as I've already written, we had a lovely second date, after which he started to pull away. He later wrote that he felt guilty for seeing other women -- I told him that at this early stage, there was no expectation for either of us *not* to date other people. And even though he didn't suggest getting together, I thought I'd put it out there, and asked if he was free Sunday or Monday.

Then - once again -- nothing.

Another week or so went by of total silence, which, of course, speaks volumes. I was annoyed that he couldn't take a second to just email or text back to acknowledge that I had asked him to get together -- but of course, there's the answer. He's just not interested. Someone who is interested will want to know when they're going to see you again.

The friends who knew about the situation from the start -- the near-daily emails and texts -- were surprised to hear that he had just up and disappeared. Not only did this guy want to see where I grew up, and couldn't wait to learn all about me... he stressed how much he values honesty and good communication, blah blah blah. Textbook case, huh?

We've all seen this guy before. The Urban Dater just wrote about this exact topic. It could have been addressed to Bond.

I felt annoyance and disgust welling up in me -- as much as I wanted to just write him off, I was having a hard time. I just needed to get this (and him) out of my system.

So I wrote to him, not expecting a reply - but it felt good just to get it out. I wrote that I "got" it that no answer IS sometimes the answer... but that I respect a guy so much more when he simply tells me that he's not interested. That it was a bit of a surprise to have him go from being very obviously interested, to dead silence.

And -- shocker -- he wrote back a few hours later. He apologized for the lack of communication, and said it was for a few reasons. Work has been particularly busy for him lately (I might as well tell you: he's an airline pilot, though he doesn't have his own regular route -- he has a hell of a schedule at times). He also mentioned that he's "out there" and dating -- I read this as, "I can squeeze other women in my schedule, but not necessarily you".

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I should still give him a shot -- lots of guys are really busy with work, and are presumably squeezing in other dates when they can. But something just doesn't feel right about this. Maybe if we had started off slow and steady, it might have been different. Maybe my ego is just slightly bruised -- he went from being very obviously into me, to... not so much.

Anyway. I wrote back, telling him that his response was appreciated, and that I wished him the best. If I hear from him in the future? I'll decide at that time what to do. For now, I feel that I have that rare "closure" thing we so often wish for, but rarely get.

Whew! This post is long enough. Next time I'll write about my new OK Cupid profile. I've never been hit on by so many 22-year-olds. I've also received not one, but two offers of a threesome. Thanks, but... no.

Bond Who? - Or – I Am Officially A Dating Machine

2010-04-10T09:01:00.003-04:00

Three dates in one day. Sounded like a fun idea at first...

Date #1: Mr Nice Guy, #162
Nice was a setup by my friend D – actually, I think she may have met him through a setup, wasn’t attracted to him, but thought he might be good for me. She insisted that he’s a great, standup guy.

We had lunch, because neither of our schedules would allow otherwise. And I DID think that he was a sweet, cool, well-mannered guy. I’d like to see him again, but his schedule seems to have him traveling a lot in the coming weeks. So – we’ll see.

Date #2: Adorable Hipster Boy, #163
(he’s 28. I have ten (ish) years on him)
I met Hipster when he came to visit a co-worker in my office last week. Co-worker was showing him around, and when he came by my office, Hipster saw a book on my shelf on a topic that he had some expertise in. I said we should discuss this further. He added me as a Facebook friend later that day, and the email convos flowed easily. I soon said we should discuss this over a drink, and we soon had a plan.

Or did we? We’d decided on a day and time, but not a place. The ball was in his court – I had emailed him last, a day earlier, saying that 5 pm on Friday worked for me, and did he have any place in mind?

By late afternoon Friday, I still hadn’t heard from him, and was convinced the date was a wash, which was fine. Thus my surprise when he called – he apologized for not calling earlier (busy busy, yadda yadda) – he was having drinks at the Soho House with a friend, and would I like to join them there? Why yes – yes I would. And proceeded to tear apart my closet in search of an appropriate outfit.

I hit it off with Hipster’s friend, a fabulous gay guy – we all work in the same industry, and it turns out that Friend and I knew some people in common. Friend left after a while, and while Hipster seemed to enjoy talking to me, I wasn’t getting “the vibe” from him.

I finally said I had to get going, as I was meeting “a friend” (actually, date #3, which I was regretting having set at this point – I was really enjoying being with Hipster). We left Soho House and at one point peered into a dark, closed store – and had one of the hottest makeout sessions I’ve ever had.

Why was it so hot? Maybe because we were hiding in a dark doorway. Maybe because he’s this adorable young thing. Maybe because it felt sneaky – he’s my co-worker’s friend. He asked if I could meet my friend a bit later – I said it was too late, as she’d already be on her way to meet me.

He walked me home (I wanted to change before meeting my friend), and we kissed more outside my doorway. He wanted to come in for “just a minute”. I said, maybe another time. When I said goodnight, he said something like, “well, I’ll talk to you”. I won’t be surprised if I don’t. And that’s okay.

Date #3: Speed Dater, #164
I met Speed at (you got it) a speed dating event a few weeks ago. Very cute, very interesting guy – but by this point, my dating energy was gone. And I was sleepy from the two glasses of red wine I’d had at the Soho House. Poor guy – I yawned half the time we were together. He seemed to have a good sense of humor about it – when he walked me home, he said he hoped we could spend another night yawning together soon.

I’m on the fence about Speed, but it could have been a case of bad timing – but if he calls, I’d see him again.

Quick Bond update… is that there really is no update. He wrote that nice email the other day. I wrote back. And nothing since. I’m definitely thinking about him less and less (yesterday’s dating marathon helped). I’m about 99% ready to write him off. It’s just what my gut is telling me to do. Life goes on.

*******

And – I nearly forgot – I recycled a past date the other night. As in, three years past. I may have a new summer fling. Details to come!

Backtrack -- date #2 with Bond:

2010-04-08T12:38:00.005-04:00

Before he disappeared, then resurfaced, I had this wonderful second date with Bond -- I wrote this account a day or two later, then got too busy to post it:

We made plans to meet up at my place first, then we’d decide where to go out for a bite or a drink. As soon as he walked through the door, we had a passionate, long, deep, close kiss. Rather, kisses. There had been a lot of buildup in the two weeks since we'd seen each other, through almost-daily emails. After a few minutes of this, we both laughed and said we should cool down a bit.

I gave him a tour of my place – he admired it, and said he could definitely tell that a woman lived here. It’s not especially girly, just neat and tidy.

We sat on my couch to talk about my trip, and I showed him pics on my laptop. With the monsoon rains outside, we decided to just hang out at my place – neither of us were hungry. We laughed about our previous date, when we smooched shamelessly in public in the corner of a (mostly empty) bar.

We kissed, we talked, we looked at pictures, we kissed some more. His hand began to wander up my skirt and I told him it was too soon. We had a very frank discussion about sex, and about the importance of waiting – as he put it, “let’s see if there’s something here first”.

Ever since that electric first kiss on that first date, I’ve been thinking about what sex would be like with him – only thinking about it, mind you. When I like a guy, there’s definitely extra incentive to hold off on doing the deed.

Lucky Girl wrote this very eloquent post on the virtues of waiting to sleep with someone – LG, seriously, thank you – you put together the words that had been swimming around my head, but couldn’t come together in a cohesive manner, especially this part:

Sex can be an important part of falling in love with someone, but it can also be a pair of blinders. I’ve learned that having sex before I really know a person confuses me. It clouds my judgment, makes me feel love that has no foundation.

So – we’ll see. At this point, my goal is to try to wait til at least date 4 or 5 – not that we’ll be “in love” yet (far from it), but we’ll hopefully have more of a vibe about each other.

I wish I had a videotape of this last date – as it is, I’ve been replaying moments of it in my head, like when he told me he wanted to visit my old neighborhood with me. When he asked genuine questions about my family, my job, my life. I also wouldn’t mind seeing some video of those sexy kisses.

He left after 2 am.

Staying optimistically cautious.

********
So... after that, he disappeared, then emailed me that he was feeling guilty about dating other women. I wrote back that I never assumed I'd be exclusive with someone after only two dates.

Update: he then wrote back with a thank you, and he appreciated my positive attitude. He's out of town for a few days for work, but he hoped I was enjoying the beautiful NY weather. He did NOT suggest scheduling another date.

So -- I do hope I'll see him again, but I'm more cautious than optimistic at the moment. Several other dates lined up in the near future, some new guys, some guys from the past -- stay tuned for info!

********
Speaking of guys from the past: I went to a baseball game with Martin last night. Although "dating" in the conventional sense didn't work for us in the past, I do enjoy his company as a friend. With occasional benefits. Ahem -- you could say there were several home runs last night. And this morning.

I do want a boyfriend. But with this gorgeous weather, spring / summer flings are also sounding good to me right now...

30 second update

2010-04-07T00:12:00.003-04:00

My friend Shmutti told me that my "fans" (awww!) are waiting with bated breath to find out what happened with Bond -- I know I should continue to build suspense, and I'll write more details later, but here's the condensed update:

* date #2: wonderful. Great connection. I'm really digging this guy, and it seems he feels the same.

* the following days: his emails have gone from warm and sweet, to short and perfunctory. I have a momentary freakout (not on him, of course -- just venting to any friend who will listen). I blame it on the jetlag.

* a week after the second date, he writes to apologize for distancing himself -- he wanted to admit that he was still dating other women, and felt like a jerk for it, because he thinks I'm really cool.

* I'm like -- whoa, dude needs some dating lessons. Sure, we had a great connection -- but not enough to ever assume that that made us exclusive (you know what they say about assuming...). I write back saying we just need to chill, and while I appreciate his honesty, he should know that I haven't stopped dating others either.

* So -- I haven't exactly been "dating" others (I haven't had time -- was just on a brief roadtrip with my best friend the past few days) -- I'm "in talks" with new guys.

* AND -- something about spring -- so many of my past guys are coming out of the woodwork! Smiley and I exchanged a few texts and emails this weekend ... Smooch (we had 3 dates in the fall) wants to make me dinner... and Martin just texted about getting together soon.

* AND -- when I was in a funk over Bond a few days ago, I found the perfect distraction: this adorable, smart, 28-year-old guy, a friend of a co-worker's. He's new to the city. There have been talks of getting a drink soon.

* About two years ago, I had two dates with a new guy (will have to dig up his blog name). I liked him enough, but he emailed that he didn't feel the connection he was looking for. Fair enough. Fast forward to a few days ago: he wrote to me on Match (I think we first met on Jdate) -- he likes my profile, my energy, my interests. He clearly doesn't recognize me. I'm thinking of "not recognizing" him either.

I'm back!

2010-03-31T00:22:00.003-04:00

I’m back – and very happy that I’ve returned to a spring-like NYC, with trees blossoming all over the place! (Ok, there are monsoon rains outside right now, but it's better than dealing with temperatures in the upper 90s, which is what I've been sweltering through the past two weeks!)

I’m also happy to report that while I was away in that very hot Other Country, Bond and I communicated nearly every day via email or text – we considered trying to talk via Skype, but with the time difference, it was tough (not to mention that I’d want to look my best if I was going to be video chatting with him – and I generally look like death at 7 am, which would have been the best time to talk).

Several times, we exchanged pics of how we were spending our days – I especially liked when he sent me a video of him biking in the park on one of those beautiful, sunny days that NYC has been enjoying lately. Our emails didn’t have an especially romantic tone – I thought that was a good thing, since we’d only had one date. Romanticism would have seemed premature – but I thought it was telling that he kept in touch, and even told me that he appreciated the fact that I was able to email him regularly, given my busy work schedule.

I received a "welcome home" text from him the second I landed -- I'm still smiling about that!

We made plans for the evening of my return – I knew there was a good chance I’d be jetlagged, but was willing to take the chance…

(to be continued)

Best. First. Date. EVER!

2010-03-15T21:37:00.009-04:00

I'm serious -- I write that with no sarcasm whatsoever. I really am smitten with this guy. (#161) I'm giddy and smiling and speechless -- it's a surreal feeling!

I'm at a loss for a blog name for him, so for now he'll simply be Bond -- James Bond. He IS kind of an international man of mystery -- and yet, he comes from humble NYC beginnings, just like me. His life has spanned many countries, and several careers that melded from one to the next.

Seriously, when he first told me about the very interesting life he's had, there was a part of me that was skeptical -- until I Googled him, and found the proof right there on the interweb. Good stuff indeed -- I really wish I could share it with you!

And even more important -- he's warm, and (from what I learned from a five-hour date and several phone convos) very communicative. He's straightforward. He's incredibly polite. And -- this doesn't hurt -- he's very, very easy on the eyes. To be blunt, he's hot. BUT I get the impression that he's the rare person who doesn't realize just how good-looking he is. Did I mention that he's a fabulous kisser? Icing on the cake.

AND he seems equally smitten by me, and by the end of the date he was telling me that he was excited to see where this could go. Really -- everything was perfect.

Except...

Except for the fact that I'm about to go on a business trip to another country for two fricking weeks!

Argh. This has happened to me a few times in the past, where I'd meet someone just before going out of town -- and a few times, by the time I'd return, the guy would be history for whatever reason.

So -- wish me luck. Bond said he looks forward to staying in touch, and we'll get together as soon as possible after my return. Sigh.

*******

And what of Hoffman, you ask? Despite the fact that he "couldn't wait" to see me again, I barely heard from him all week. We had a date planned for Saturday -- that morning he emailed and texted that he was under the weather, and had to cancel. He asked when I was going out of town, but didn't ask if I wanted to get together before then.

I admitted to myself then - I had been on the fence about him. If he'd seemed interested, I would have tried to come along for the ride. But since he's obviously not? No problem at all. I'd even contemplate setting him up with a friend (Shmutti, you reading?).

*******
In other news -- I went speed dating with a friend this weekend. I'm hoping to convince her to write a guest post -- stand by!

Blog fodder on a silver platter!

2010-03-11T01:17:00.007-05:00

I talked to new Jdate guy last night -- let's call him Mr Sensitive for reasons that will soon become apparent. (I know, I know -- I claim to be on dating hiatus. I guess I'm taking a hiatus from that hiatus!)

We made a plan for Sunday night. I don't know why I agreed to go out with him -- I got a weird vibe about him. He only had one blurry pic on his profile, and was realllly reluctant to give me his real email address. When I'd ask him a question, he just seemed a bit scattered.

Today I decided to cancel, and wrote a very nice email:
My apologies -- I'm going to have to reschedule -- my mom is arranging a family dinner for Sunday night, and I really should go. I'm then leaving town on Tuesday for two weeks for work -- can we reschedule after I get back?

Sorry for any inconvenience!

True -- the thing about the family dinner was a little white lie, but I saw no harm in that.

He emailed back (verbatim):
We cannot, but an hour tomorrow is ok... Otherwise things get Too non-immediate and lose their flavor

Huh? Flavor....? And who said anything about tomorrow?

Before I had a chance to respond, he texted me (again, verbatim -- I can't make this shit up!):
Incredibly poor form (and clearly not my type person) to cancel a date via text. I rescind all date offers. Thank u.

For the record, I canceled via email, not text -- and I think that's absolutely acceptable -- especially when it's FOUR DAYS before said "date". Dude, I didn't cancel our WEDDING via email / text, for Christmas sakes!

I wrote back, being sweetly diplomatic:
Was just about to write back -- I agree. We're just not a match. However, thank you for the excellent blog material.

There you have it. On a silver platter, with a doily and some decorative flowers thrown in.

UPDATE: the next morning, he wrote back:
I couldnt be happier that we arent a match, as by definition, i'm a match for class, grace and beauty. Blog away!

I was tempted to write back to tell him to grow some balls, but by this point, we were like two kids on the playground, yelling, "YOU're stupid!"... "No, YOU're stupid!". Sometimes the best answer is just NO answer. I shall take the high road, and be done with it.

Unless of course, you have a fabulously witty retort -- comment away!

Still (kind of) on that dating hiatus...

2010-03-09T22:47:00.007-05:00

I wasn't ready to admit this the last time I wrote (as I was still grappling with it): at the end of my second date with Hoffman, he came back to my place. The connection was REALLY good, and he was completely respectful when I told him that we really shouldn't sleep together -- til I finally said, "oh, fuck it!". And so we did.

My issues with him having a few pounds? I didn't seem too bothered by it in the moment. We talked about having him spend the night, but I didn't think it was a good idea -- I had to be up early the next day, and I never sleep well when I spend the night with a new guy. So he left, and sent me a very sweet text when he got home.

During our next date a few days later, we had a very candid talk -- the sex was fun, but it was too soon. We continued to have a fabulous, intimate night -- dinner, followed by fun live music in the east village, followed by separate taxis home. We had talked about getting together again over the weekend (ie, this past weekend), but he had a friend coming to visit from out of town, and wasn't sure what they were doing yet. He emailed the next day to confirm as much -- the weekend wouldn't work, but he'd contact me early in the week to make plans.

Over the weekend, he sent a very sweet text -- I had sent him a link to something I'd written (something work-related), and he wanted to let me know how much he'd enjoyed it, adding "you don't cease to amaze me!". Very thoughtful. This meant a lot to me -- there have been times in the past when I've wanted to share some of my work with guys I've dated, and when I'd ask if they'd read it, I'd often hear a sheepish, "Not yet -- I've been soooo busy...". I got it.

By today, I still hadn't heard from him in terms of making plans -- with most other guys, I would have sat back and waited to hear from them, but with Hoffman? I can't explain it, I just feel a certain level of comfort with him. So I emailed him info on a new bar / lounge I'd read about, adding, "we should check this out!". He wrote back suggesting this weekend, and that he "couldn't wait". Nice.

I DO look forward to seeing him again, but am too overwhelmed with work at the moment to really think much about him or any other guys. I'm leaving for a business trip next week that's going to keep me out of town for nearly two weeks, so dating isn't very high on my priority list right now. Just fine by me.

*******

And now: the Awkward Moment That Wasn't.

My friends (let's call them Mr and Ms Cool) were having an Oscar party -- these are the same people who threw the party where I met Mr 2010, aka The Invisible Man (after he, well, disappeared). This would be my first party at their place since his Great Disappearing Act of 2010 -- I saw that he was on the invite list.

I wanted to have backup troops with me, but none of my close friends could make it. I then had a brilliant idea: why not invite Smiley, the guy I dated in December? He knows Mr and Ms Cool as well -- I'd brought him to a few of their parties while we were dating. And oh yes -- there might be that added little jab to Mr 2010. When I told a friend, she said, "I LOVE bringing a guy to a party where an "ex" of some sort will be!". I felt the same way.

Saying that, Smiley and I ARE still just friends, at least in theory. Since we last slept together a month or so ago, he has texted me for a last-minute movie or drink, but I've been unable to make it. Not because I didn't want to see him, but (as anyone who knows me can attest) -- I'm a major planner. It's generally very hard for me to do last-minute stuff. If I'm at home after work in my sweats on the rare night I don't have plans to go out, and someone calls me for a spur of the moment drink? It's NOT easy to get me out of those sweats and into makeup.

But I digress.

I was nervous about seeing Mr 2010 at the party, even with Smiley there with me, and tried to inwardly rehearse how I'd talk to him - I thought cordial-but-cold was best. Turns out the only Oscar-worthy performances were on the TV, as he never showed. I was relieved.

I must admit -- it felt pretty nice to sit next to Smiley on the couch, as we gradually sat closer and closer, and his arm went around my shoulder, eventually playing with my hair, while his other hand caressed mine. He walked me home, and there was some sexy smooching. If things don't work out with Hoffman, I may have to consider some future sexytime with Smiley.

Hm, what's that, you say? Oh, you mean about my recent blog post about not sleeping with a guy again until we're in what may lead to a serious relationship? Well - spring is in the air, yada yada yada... I'm hopeful about Hoffman, but it's always good to have a Plan B.

Please kill me now.

2010-03-02T22:32:00.007-05:00

... is what I found myself thinking just now on the phone, as I tried to figure out a polite way to extricate myself from the conversation with Mr Yawnzers, a new Match guy. Why I agreed to talk on the phone is beyond me, after this morning's email, where he photoshopped a picture of me, so I appeared to be next to him in his profile picture. The name of the attached pic was [Mr Yawnzers] + [Loverville]. Hot, right?

I've decided: I'm (mostly) taking a break from dating for the next few weeks -- it's just getting too agonizing. I'm burned out. Done. Last night I had a second date with a new guy -- let's call him Joe, as in Average Joe (date #160). The small talk / chit-chat became unbearable. The sad thing is: when I got home and looked at the new guys who were waiting in my in-box, "Joe" was looking pretty good.

In the past, even if I had a less-than-stellar first phone conversation with a guy, I'd still give him the benefit of the doubt, and would usually meet him because "you never know" -- not these days. The other day, I had such a conversation: the highlight may have been when we discussed the distance between certain towns in New Jersey. I managed to avoid making plans when I said I left my calendar in the office -- if he follows up, I'll just tell the truth and let him know that I didn't sense a connection.

*******
Then there's Hoffman -- when we met up for our date this weekend, I was already writing the blog in my head: he's not as big as I seemed to recall!

We had a really nice time -- he's incredibly open and honest and hella-interesting -- there seemed to be good chemistry (kissing on the street just after we left the restaurant). And yet -- a part of me is still on the fence. One of those things you just can't explain. We have another date planned for this week - I just need more time to assess what I'm thinking / feeling about him.

I do realize -- all these boring guys I'm complaining about - the thing they have in common is ME. Could I be the boring one? Perhaps. Could it just be that I'm sick of one "interview" after the next? Definitely. My best friend D, a news reporter, put it this way: It's like me covering too many murders, it makes each one impact me less.

So. It's time for a big exhale, and some "me" time. No new dates for a while - I'm on hiatus. I'll still see what happens with Hoffman. Then there's a guy who's a setup by a friend. He's had my number for a few days now -- maybe he'll call, maybe not. IF he calls (and if I don't want to slit my wrists after 15 minutes on the phone with him), I'll go out with him. But no other new, anonymous guys for a while -- not for a few weeks.

**********

Oh! How could I forget to share this winner with you? Two weeks ago, just after Valentine's Day, I got a text from a guy I'd just sent my number to: it was a photo of a bunch of stuffed animals on a bed (his?), with the words: Happy Valentine's Day, from my family to yours.

I was so gobsmacked, I just didn't know how to respond.

The Big Plush Button

2010-02-26T22:39:00.007-05:00

If you lived in Manhattan in the mid to late 90s, you may recall an Upper West Side coffee shop called Drip. This was before there was a Starbucks on every corner, so this type of place was quite unique: you could linger over your coffee for hours, just like on Friends! (what's the font for sarcasm?)

There was an added draw: a free dating service. You'd fill out a questionnaire, they'd stick it in a book, and if someone perusing the book liked what they read about you, Drip would put you in touch (and you'd ostensibly give Drip even more business by having your first Drip date there). Unfortunately, there were no pics involved, so you had to decide if you wanted to meet someone based on their words alone -- which sounds so archaic now!

This guy requested a date with me, and something I read in his profile gave me pause: he wrote, "I'm as cute as a button -- a big, plush button". Being the eternal optimist that I am (or just a sucker for a good story), I still decided to meet him.

And he was right -- he was a big, plush button. He was a large, round fella, quite a few pounds overweight. Not really my type. There was no second date, but the expression "a big plush button" has become part of my vernacular with my best friend D to this day.

Fast-forward to February 2010. Date #159. I knew from his pics that he had a few extra pounds, but he was still rather good-looking and seemed exceptionally interesting: had traveled all over the world, had a job that he loved, and other positive stuff.

We hit it off. Drinks led to dinner, which led to kisses in the street, which led to plans for this weekend even before the date was over. He thinks I'm smart and gorgeous, and tells me so. His email to confirm our weekend date was appropriately enthusiastic.

He's not exactly a "big plush button" -- but yes, he does have a little extra around the middle, more than I'm used to. A bit like this guy, which is why I'm now blog-naming him Hoffman.

I'm certainly no twig (and oy -- not doing well in the weight-loss department, but more on that later) -- but I'm trying to wrap my head around Mr Teddy Bear Man's girth. Um, maybe just get past date two first, and take it from there? Thanks for the advice, self.

*********

Since I last wrote, I've had two more dates with Einstein. I can't figure him out: he's fun and funny one minute, and a bit strange and pedantic the next. On our second date, we wound up at his place for a bit of kissing and more drinking. He wanted me to stay over (note: we were fully clothed the whole time) -- it just felt too soon. I left his place at 2:50 am, a bit tipsy and tired.

It was only when I was already in the taxi on my way home that it occurred to me: he didn't walk me downstairs to said taxi, and he really should have. He did offer a half-hearted, "you'll be OK?", and my automatic response was simply to say yes. I decided that wasn't a deal-breaker, but a lesson to myself: ask for what you want, especially when it comes to personal safety at 2:50 am.

Date #3 with Einstein: easy-flowing conversation over drinks, then a bite, then back to my place. More smooching, this time shirts were removed. I had to work early the next morning, so at about 11 pm, I started to mention that we really should start to wrap things up...

You would have thought I'd put a gun to the guy's head. He leapt up, quickly put his shirt on and within a minute was at the door, fiddling with the locks -- I half-joked about at least giving me a kiss goodnight. He did, but seconds later was out the door, with a terse "bye".

I mentioned this to Best Friend D, and her feeling was: "when someone wants me to go, I'd be out the door quickly too!". But something about this just didn't feel right.

Overall, something about HIM just didn't feel right, and this was magnified on my first date with Hoffman days later. THIS was a sweet, warm, not-strange-seeming guy. You know how meeting someone new can show you what was wrong with the last one? Yeah -- that.

*********
Anyone else have Drip date stories? Let's hear them!

Feeling like Switzerland.

2010-02-20T15:00:00.004-05:00

Work is starting to heat up these days, which means I don't have much time or energy to think about dating. I have a few guys in my Match in-box who seem interesting -- and I'll get around to writing back to them at some point, once I catch my breath. Overall, I'm feeling rather neutral about dating these days -- I'm in a Switzerland state of mind.

And -- I'm about to contradict myself when I tell you that I kissed five different guys in the past week. Yes, five.

Number one: last week, I had dinner with Martin, and there was a bit of smooching afterwards. We're officially "just friends", but I've decided that I need to start phasing him out, or only seeing him in group situations.

Two: This Guy and I were at the same party last weekend. (background: he and I dated casually two years ago, and have occasionally fooled around since then. He's a sweet, smart guy, a bit quirky, but not someone I see as a potential boyfriend).

We shared a taxi downtown together, and wound up kissing. When we discussed whether to go for another drink at a bar or at my place, we wound up at my apartment. He spent the night, sans sex -- actually, it didn't really go beyond kissing -- it was rather late, and we crashed pretty quickly. Hot, huh?

Three: A first date (#157) -- I've dubbed him "Murray" -- he looked like a combination of Kevin Spacey and a younger Bill Murray. (in a good way -- I like that look) He was a Match date, but it turns out we knew some people in common, which is always a nice way to take off the edge of anonymity.

I enjoyed the date -- we had dinner, then drinks in a dark, sultry cocktail lounge where we smooched for a bit. I would have been very happy to see him again, but I got an email from him two days later, saying that while he had a very nice time, he was trying to deal with a past relationship that he hadn't quite gotten over yet, and apologized if he led me on. Very respectfully written -- anyway, que sera, sera.

Four: Another first date (#158) - let's call him "Einstein". Yes, he's a very smart guy, but at first (by email, then by phone) I felt that he was trying a bit too hard to prove to me just how smart he was. He'd describe something as "byzantine", when "complicated" or "intricate" would have sufficed -- or he'd mention something about the apartment in which he "resided", when most people would have simply used "lived".

Something interesting happened when we met up: he dropped the pompous git act, and was a cool, interesting, normal guy. (I wonder if that was his way of screening out the dummies, perhaps). We had a fun time, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again this weekend.

Five: date number two with Dog Man, after our first date two weeks ago. There's something a bit strange about this guy, based on his body language. Over dinner, I felt that he was pointedly looking around the room as if the mafia was after him. After, we played a quick game of pool -- he seemed to warm up a bit more, and was rather flirty as he gave me pointers. Quick kiss goodnight on the street as he hailed a taxi for me. If he calls, I'd give him another shot, but wouldn't go out of my way to make anything happen.

This coming week, I really do have too many social obligations to really think about dating. Really. Ok, we'll see...

Vow of celibacy.

2010-02-14T14:37:00.004-05:00

I generally don't intentionally engage in casual sex, but looking back at my most recent escapades, you wouldn't guess as much.

I suppose Smiley could have been characterized as a "casual relationship" -- we saw each other a few times a week during our six weeks or so of dating. The sex was really, really good with him (possibly one of the best I've ever had) -- however, he was clear rather early on that he wasn't in a place for a serious relationship, yet I still continued to date him til I finally admitted to myself that it was pointless.

I last saw him three weeks ago -- we had two more dates, after which I decided: we really are just best off as friends.

Then there's Martin. We've been *mostly* just friends, with occasional smooching -- except for one night, shortly after I ended things with Smiley. We had dinner, drinks, and one thing led to the another. Since then, we've been out a few more times, going back to the "just friends / smooching" thing. It's better that way.

I enjoy the familiarity of his company, but I think I need to limit seeing him to group situations, like a party or happy hour. Any night I spend alone with him is a night I could be with someone who actually has potential.

Which brings me to: my vow of celibacy. I've made a promise to myself: I'm not going to sleep with anyone again unless it's with a guy who seems to have potential as a boyfriend. True -- you can't always know this from the start. "Seems" is the operative word here. I generally don't sleep with someone til at least the 5th date anyway -- usually by that point, you have some idea if this person is looking for just a quick fling or something more substantial.

So -- no more recycling of past lovers. Wish me luck in meeting someone with potential!

I have two dates with new guys this week, as well as a second date with Dog Guy -- we'd talked about getting together last week, but he had to go out of town. I'm not getting the warmest "into you" vibes from him, but I'm trying to stay neutral for now.

"Dominic" -- the brunch date from last week -- never called. Just as well.

Sunday weigh-in, week three: argh! Not good! I'm loath to admit this, but my weight is back up to 142.8 -- which means I've only lost a pound since I began this challenge three weeks ago. Time to get serious! I want to feel thin and confident for myself first and foremost -- but also for when I eventually get around to having sex again...

Date #156... and an apology.

2010-02-10T22:16:00.002-05:00

This snowy weather is making me tired and lazy, so I'm going to make this short and sweet and get back to some quality TV-watching and Match-surfing!

Date #156: "Dominic"
Dominic was an English guy in my circle of friends in my 20s, and I had a HUGE crush on him for ages. We smooched once or twice, but it never went further than friendship.

This past weekend I had a brunch date with a British guy who now lives here in NY. I'm normally skeptical about a brunch date -- I generally think it's a good idea to have some darkness and booze to relax a bit around someone new -- but it seemed like it was the only time that worked for both of us. Let's-call-him-Dominic was smart and perfectly nice and had the kind of charming smile that I like -- but I'm just not sure the zing was there.

If I hear from him, I'd be happy to go out with him again -- if not, no harm done.

*******
Shocker of the week -- I got this email from Mr 2010 (and since I don't particularly care if he discovers the blog, here it is in its entirety):

Hi, yes, I am safely alive, thanks. I'm really sorry about last Sunday. I don't have a worthy explanation... I barely got out of bed all day, and then when I saw your text it was already late and I felt like a big jerk. I've been trying to figure out how to talk to you about it since then, but not very successfully, obviously.

It's a longer, bigger story than I can do via email right now, but I've been a bit of a mess recently. It's not something I'd want to inflict on anyone else. I like you, but I have to deal with my crap right now. I hope you understand, and I hope you can forgive me for being such an inconsiderate ass.

I hope you're well. Thank you for the concern, too.

[Mr 2010]

So -- that's that. Better late than never, I suppose? Anyway, my main thought was: whew! Dodged THAT bullet.

I haven't felt a need to write back. Done.

Sunday weigh-in... Date #155... "karma is a bitch, and so am I!"

2010-02-06T17:36:00.004-05:00

Sunday Weigh-in -- Week Two:
I'm a day early, but I'm not sure the scale will be so forgiving tomorrow. Today's numbers: 140.8 -- down 2.2 since last week, for a total of 3.2 lost! Yes!

True, part of that was because of a stomach bug that caused me to eat much less for a few days -- but I'll take it! Let's keep this train going!

********

Date #155 -- Dog Man:
Maybe because we'd "known" each other through Facebook for something like two years -- I just felt comfortable with him right away. He thoughtfully arranged for us to have dinner at a restaurant where his good friend is the chef -- oh my, way too much good food. I tried to restrain myself. Not easy!

After, we went to another spot for a drink, gradually sitting closer and closer. Eventually led to some sweet kisses -- not enough that we'd be implored to "get a room", but enough to know that we seem to have good kissing chemistry.

He emailed me a few days later, asking to make plans for this coming week. Looking forward to it -- he just "feels" like a good fit, for whatever that's worth.

*********

Mr 2010
I know -- pretty ridiculous that he's still being mentioned here. As I wrote last time, we were supposed to have plans on Sunday -- I texted him about 4 pm asking if we were still on, and he never responded.

A friend reminded me of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie was stood up by a guy, but he had a very good excuse: he died. I certainly wouldn't wish death on anyone, even someone who stood me up -- but out of curiosity, I just had to find out if this guy was dead, in the hospital, or in jail. After all, why else would he NOT call me back? (please see the sarcasm here!)

A few days later, I emailed him, asking if he was still alive, and to please give me the courtesy of a return email -- he didn't even have to call. Nothing.

The next day, I wrote to our mutual friend, D, and mentioned my concern. She was surprised, and said that was completely unlike him, even though he was sometimes flaky, and forgot plans previously made. She texted him at 7 that night, and when she didn't hear from him by 1 am, she started getting worried as well.

The next day she finally talked to him (without mentioning me): turned out he'd been hella-stressed with his divorce. He's been separated for about a year, and lately his ex-wife has been giving him a hard time about who-knows-what. (ha -- maybe he hasn't been returning her calls...)

My first thought was: that means you can't take 10 seconds to text someone to let them know you need to cancel your plans? Dillhole.

My second thought (with a slightly evil grin on my face): Good. I'm GLAD you're having a hard time with this. Karmic retribution sucks, doesn't it?

I’m glad to hear that he’s alive, but a little happy that he’s going through a rough time with his ex – karma’s a bitch, isn’t it? I know one has nothing to do with the other, but in my mind: dude, that’s your payback for standing me up. What goes around, comes around. I feel a lot better!

Sunday weigh-in, re-Match, and Mr 2010 is OUT

2010-01-30T23:50:00.011-05:00

Today is the end of Week One of our "lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks" challenge -- how did everyone do??

I'm happy to report that I'm down exactly one pound -- this morning's weigh-in was 143, yay! It would have been better - I started off the week eating like a wee little sparrow, and ended with several dinners out where I stuffed myself silly. But as long as I'm heading in the right direction, I'll take it. Next week will be even better.

*********

And yes, I've got a few boy updates!

Mr 2010:
The short version is that he called (after I previously wrote him off), and we have plans for tomorrow.

The long version: yes, he called -- but after I called him first and left a message. I know, I should have waited for him to get back to me after he last texted me (a week before) that he was crazed with work. Anyway. I decided to be proactive / impatient.

When we talked, I felt like an awkward teenager, nervously chattering away to fill in the pauses. He apologized for having been out of touch (due to work), and asked immediately if I was free this weekend. He said he'd come up with a fun plan for us, and would touch base before then.

I have a tendency to not let my dates do much of the planning -- I keep a running list of bars and restaurants I want to try, or favorites I like to return to - but I've been trying to change this about myself. So tomorrow -- no suggestions will be coming from me. It's in his hands.

However, I'm not 100% convinced this date will actually happen tomorrow. Watch this space for an update about 24 hours from now! Or even earlier if it's 7 pm Sunday, and I've not yet heard from him -- this time, I am ABSOLUTELY waiting for him to contact me to confirm the evening.

Dog Man:
Named for his adorable canine companion, not because of his looks -- he's good-looking in a nice-Jewish-guy-from-NY way, which is my usual "type".

The funny story is, Dog Man and I first started communicating a looong time ago on Jdate -- maybe two or three years ago? -- but for whatever reason, we never met. We even became Facebook friends. At one point, I even tried to set him up with a friend (it never happened -- he was seeing someone at the time).

I recently re-joined Match (more on that in a minute), and came across his profile -- I immediately wondered, why did we never meet up? He's smart, cute, interesting, well-traveled -- just like me! :)

I wrote to him -- he wrote back -- we exchanged numbers, and had that first conversation today. Not a second of awkwardness -- it was a fun, easy conversation. A half-hour later, we had plans in place for this week. It's not every day that you go into a first date feeling predisposed to liking someone. I even feel like I want to talk to him again before then, but I'm going to just chill and sit on my hands til I hear from him again.

Smiley:
I wrote the last time that I probably shouldn't see him for a while. Looks like he feels the same way, because I haven't heard a peep from him since we last saw each other last weekend. Just as well. I'm not at all angry at him, and I don't miss him (the way I did when we first ended things). I guess I was just ready for that door to be closed.

Match:
I gave in. A few weeks of abstaining from online dating, and I was ready to dive in again. In the past I've done Jdate, Nerve, Plenty of (stinky) Fish, Ok Cupid (ack)... as well as Match. It had been a few years since I'd been on Match, and I was ready to give it another shot.

IMPORTANT! If you're thinking of joining one of these sites, CALL their customer service department, rather than joining online. By doing that, I saved 30% off a three-month plan. A friend recently did the same thing with Jdate.

Wow. I'm already noticing a big difference between the last time I did Match (about two years ago) to now. I just turned 40, and I'm not getting the same avalanche of emails that I did in the past. I know 40+ women bemoan this fact all over the blogosphere... but when it happens to you firsthand, it's a big wakeup call. And I refuse to lie about my age - let's see how long that lasts!

Of the seven guys I've written to so far, I've only heard back from one. Of the 15 guys who have emailed me, I'm only interested in replying to one. Then there's the 25 guys who have "winked" at me. I don't even bother with those -- I HATE winks. If you're not familiar: it's essentially a nudge that a person sends (like a "poke" on Facebook), but they don't write anything to go along with it. It implies: I'm making as little effort as I can possibly make here. Now come to my place and cook me some dinner while I loaf on my couch with a can of Bud and my hand down my pants!

SUNDAY UPDATE, 6:30 PM:
I'm shocked. No word from Mr 2010 about our date tonight -- I've officially been stood up. AND I even did what I said I wouldn't do -- I texted him nearly two hours ago to ask if we were still on. No response.

It's not that I'm upset about not seeing him -- at this point, I'm fine in that regard. It's just that I'm surprised that someone could be so rude, and have such a lack of common courtesy to do this. It doesn't take much to write back (or call) someone to say, "I just can't make it tonight".

His behavior is appalling regardless, but it feels especially wrong given that we have mutual friends, and chances are pretty good that I'll run into him at a party in the near future. Where my stiletto heel just might "accidentally" stab him in the foot. Oops!

Another "10 lbs in 10 weeks" challenge -- join me!

2010-01-24T22:20:00.009-05:00

Twice in the past, on this blog I challenged myself to lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks -- all those posts here.

I often struggle with those few extra pounds, and for some reason, declaring my weight loss challenge on this blog really helped -- both times I reached my goal.

It's time for another one... unfortunately, this time my starting weight is a little higher: 144 as of this morning. (ack!) The plan is to lose a pound a week, on average. I'd actually like to lose about 15 - 20 lbs, but this is a good start.

Anyone else out there who wants to lose a few? Let's do this together! I'll report back here every Sunday with the weigh-in for that week.

10 lbs down by April 4 is the goal!

***********

I'm glad that I'm rather stressed with work these days to focus much on the guy situation, which is a bit sad at the moment.

Mr 2010:
I've written him off (again). Why bother texting me to check in, saying you'll call later, then never call? (as he did four days ago) And never bother responding to my email? That's just lame. Onward. I'm disappointed, but I know better than to hold out hope on someone who clearly isn't interested -- despite seeming very interested on all of our six dates.

Reminder: this guy and I share mutual friends. These friends have frequent parties, which is how I met Mr 2010 in the first place. Not sure when the next party is, but I'm going to work on my "look of disgust" and "steely gaze" before then.

Smiley:
I wrote earlier in the comments that I was OK with the idea of having him as a "friend with benefits", but after giving it some thought -- I'm not sure. I like him as a person (but wouldn't want him as a boyfriend, for several reasons) -- at the same time, casual sex can make me feel a bit... empty. (at other times, with the right person, it can be just right -- but I'm not sure this is one of those situations)

When I last saw him (um -- this afternoon, after spending the night at my place, and cooking brunch together) we didn't talk about when we'd see each other again, as we usually did when we were dating the first time around. I think I just need to not see him for a little while.

Smooch:
He's turning into one of those guys: the kind of guy who can never seem to make plans because he's soooo busy -- but will text me at 8:30 pm with "come meet me for a drink!". He did it again tonight. I texted back that I couldn't do tonight, but how about a night later in the week? Surprise! No response!

***********

I really do need a break from dating for now. I let my Jdate membership expire a few weeks ago, and checked out another dating site today, but felt no compelling reason to join that one either. Time out!

Also: I think losing a few pounds will boost my confidence, which certainly can't hurt in the dating arena.

Very quick updates.

2010-01-21T23:43:00.007-05:00

Mr 2010:
After we talked over the weekend (when he canceled our plans for that same evening), I was ready to write him off, as a means of self-preservation. You know how a guy acts when he's into you? Yeah -- I wasn't getting that.

So when he texted me a few days later, I got a glimmer of hope. He was having a hellish week of work, and wanted to say hi -- if he wasn't working too late, he'd give me a call later. (he didn't.)

I later sent a breezy email, saying work was hectic for me as well, hang in there, blah blah blah. Eh, we'll see. (confession: I still really like this guy, and still want to give this a shot -- if there's a shot to be had. Just have to relax and bide my time.)

Smiley:
The guy I dated for a month or so from Nov - Dec, and ended because I knew he wasn't looking for anything serious right now. We still emailed once in a while, mostly light, friendly emails of the "have you tried that new pizza place?" variety.

When he suggested meeting for a bite and a movie, I figured, why not? I was very much in a Mr 2010 state of mind, and assumed it would be totally platonic. Yet, by the time Smiley and I met up, I was in the process of writing off Mr 2010. We had our usual fun and laughter, and I found myself thinking, "this is a blast! I ended this... why?". (yeah, I know the real answer, no need to remind me... he still doesn't want anything serious)

Let's just say we never made it to the movie that night...

Martin:
(again, Mr Past Disappointment)
He emailed me yesterday: NY Restaurant Week is approaching, we should take advantage of it.
Me: absolutely, soon! Once I'm feeling better, I'm a little under the weather.
Him: really sorry to hear that -- can I bring you some chicken soup?
Me: very nice of you to offer, but I'll be OK.

The next day, he called to see if I was feeling better, and reminded me that I'm one of his favorite people, and that he truly does love me. It was nice to hear, though I take everything he says with a grain of salt.

Smooch:
We've had 3 dates -- one in August, one in September, and one in November. Clearly, there's no great romance here, but I still smile when he calls. We had a lovely phone conversation earlier tonight -- he wanted to get together at the last minute, but I'm still a bit under the weather. So we had a very nice chat, catching up on each other's lives. Maybe we'll even go out again one of these days. His schedule was too hectic this coming week to make a plan (yes, one of those), but he said he really did want to go out again soon.

That's it! Really a whole lot of nothing. Oh - I (once again) got weepy watching a Jim and Pam montage on tonight's "The Office". I think I need to start seeing a therapist again.

Date #154: Michael Douglas meets Christopher Walken

2010-01-17T00:27:00.005-05:00

Poor "Michael Douglas meets Christopher Walken" - he was just a bit socially awkward. The fidgeting. The admission that he doesn't go out much, and goes on an internet date every two or three months.

Note to self: if you SENSE someone may be a bit strange from their emails -- there's a good chance that they ARE!

The name comes from the fact that he was pretty decent looking (like a young Michael Douglas) ... but had the monotonous speaking patterns of Christopher Walken.

Really -- I tend to think that I have a tough time with dating in NY, but this guy seems to have it worse. I felt bad for him when he left a message the next day, asking if I'd like to get together again -- I emailed him, thanking him for his message, but I just didn't feel the kind of chemistry I'm looking for. It felt like the kind thing to do.

***

Speaking of dating trouble -- well, maybe it's a bit premature to say it's "trouble" just yet, but I'm not feeling as optimistic about Mr 2010 as I was earlier this week. No real communication after our last date until today, when he called to cancel our date for tonight -- he was under the weather, and he *did* actually sound sick. Still, my gut is now telling me: don't get your hopes up about this one.

I've been wrapped up in my head about this today -- disappointment over him, and dating in general -- and yet (as always), typing this out here is helping to make me feel just a bit better, and put things in perspective.

It sucks, but I'll be fine. If it doesn't work out with him? Then it wasn't meant to be, and I'll meet someone else. Still, saying that -- he "felt" more right than any other guy has in a long time. Sigh.

I've decided: the Michael Douglas etc guy is going to be my LAST internet date for a while. I've let my Jdate membership run out. I'm just DONE, at least for now. Exhausted. Looking forward to taking a break from the dating merry-go-round. I have a busy month of work ahead of me, so I'm going to let that consume me for now. (along with the many plans with friends that seem to be popping up left and right)

****
Final note: interestingly -- just now, who should lift me a bit out of this funk but Martin -- yes, THE guy who disappointed me more than once in the past. We've become friends of late -- have gone out to dinner a few times. Just moments ago, he texted me to say he was in a nearby bar, and did I want to meet for a drink?

I declined -- it's late, and I'm about to go to bed, and I'm in a bit of a funk anyway. He texted back: no funk, gorgeous! Be your badass self! Mwah!

That made me smile -- isn't it funny how the littlest things like this can help shoo away a dark cloud?

Still relaxing, still enjoying the ride of 2010.

2010-01-12T23:38:00.008-05:00

Slight tipsy blogging right now (not quite drunk) -- just got in from yet another wonderful date with Mr 2010. He's lovely, smart, fabulous, thoughtful. We had one of those goodnight kisses on the street before I got on my subway -- the kind of kiss that just makes it hard to say goodbye.

I'm still (mostly) sticking to my new motto for this year: relax, and enjoy the ride. I'm feeling really good about him, and am just (trying to) take this moment by moment. Every so often I get a twinge of "this may be too good to last / the rug might get pulled out from under me", but then it usually disappears pretty quickly.

Thankfully, I'm NOT at all itching to ask what he's "looking for", the way I felt with Smiley early on. (I checked my notes: I first had a hint of a talk with Smiley on the subject on our eighth date). I think it's because I suspected that Smiley was similar to other in-career-limbo guys I've dated in the past -- the kind of guy who feels that he needs to sort out his own life first before he can think of sharing it with someone else. And I was right. You know what they say about trusting your gut.

Mr 2010 seems to be happy and successful in his career, so thankfully, no career limbo there. Of course that means nothing in terms of what he wants in a relationship, but it could potentially be one less obstacle.

For now, my gut is giving me two thumbs up (guts have thumbs...?). Next date already in place for this weekend. I have a new Jdate planned before then, but I feel that I'm just going through the motions right now.

For Coatman: the dating updates

2010-01-10T00:22:00.011-05:00

Coatman: a reward for your patience! Details of my dates so far this year -- as I mentioned, all these are guys who I met "in the wild", as opposed to online -- pretty miraculous for me these days!

(note: date numbers refer to the number of first dates I've had since my last *really* serious relationship ended -- oh my -- nearly five years ago).

Date #151: Mr 2010. I'm not sure yet if this is the "right" blog name for him -- our first date was the evening of New Years Day, so for now, this feels appropriate.

Mr 2010 and I first met in early December at a party thrown by mutual friends -- actually, I went to this party with Smiley (who could also be known as Mr December, just as Capt Awesome could be Mr November). I thought I sensed a slight bit of a connection with Mr 2010 at the party, but figured he was just a friendly guy. We became Facebook friends (I took lots of the pics at the party, and friended not only him, but a few other people).

After things ended with Smiley, I emailed Mr 2010 a question about another upcoming party -- the emails continued, and soon led to him suggesting that we meet for a drink sometime. I suggested getting together that Friday, and plans were soon in place.

Friday came, and we met at a cocktail lounge where he had thoughtfully made a reservation. After a little while, I managed to work into the conversation that I was no longer seeing Smiley -- he admitted that he'd been wondering about that.

More drinks over several hours, then he walked me home, and we had a lovely, if somewhat chaste, kiss goodnight at my door. I really enjoyed the evening together -- he's smart, cool, somewhat unconventional -- but I wasn't sure if he was really interested in me.

Our mutual friends were having another party just a few days later, and I knew I'd see him there. I was delighted when, the afternoon before the party, he texted me to say that he'd had a fabulous time on Friday, and was looking forward to seeing me again. I actually did a little happy dance.

At the party, I was suddenly back in high school -- I felt uncharacteristically awkward: how much attention should I give him around his friends? Should I seem cool and busy, or give him some attention to remind him that I'm interested? Once I got out of my silly head (and chilled out with a drink), all was fine. Chatted with him an appropriate amount, and was inwardly pleased when he put his arm around my waist at one point. Even more pleased when he told me he thinks I'm fantastic, and that he likes me. The feeling is very much mutual.

He walked me home -- a bit more kissing. We then had another date later in the week -- more smooching, this time in the subway. Another date planned for tomorrow -- very much looking forward to it.

Feeling happy and optimistic about this guy, and am certainly not-not-not going to ask anytime soon if he's looking for a long-term relationship! I'm hoping I've learned my lesson based on recent history with Smiley.

The other dates that didn't go quite as well:

Date #152: Rob-John. Years ago, I dated this guy Rob who just wasn't right for me, but he was "safe". He was very white bread -- maybe even a bit boring and provincial -- but he was a devoted boyfriend, and I probably kept him around longer than I should have. My friend D dated a very similar guy, named John. We now use "Rob-John" as a general description for that type of guy, as in, "nice guy, but he's just SO Rob-John".

Rob-John was a setup by my very sweet friend L -- she warned me that he's new to dating, as he just got out of a nine (nine!) year relationship. I wanted to like him -- he was actually quite good-looking, and slightly more interesting than I had anticipated. But it just wasn't enough - there was just something missing.

Date #153: The Diplomat. (not really, but he's lived all over the world) I met the Diplomat a month or two ago at a bar, where he awkwardly cast a rather wide net, as he gave his card to both me and my friend D after chatting with both of us for a while. She wasn't interested, and jokingly coached him on the "proper" way to ask out a woman, nudging him my way.

He and I exchanged a few texts and emails, but I remained noncommittal until I ended things with Smiley. Diplomat and I finally met for a drink, but the terrible cold that he'd thought was going away only seemed to get worse, so we cut the evening short after only an hour or so. He was a "maybe" -- I wasn't wowed, but I'd consider seeing him again if I heard from him. It's been a few days, and no word.

Well -- one reason may be: I saw him in a restaurant last night (and I know he saw me) -- and I happened to be with another guy***. Neither of us approached the other. No big whoop.

Funny: I've written here in the past that I'm always worried that I'll be out with a date, and will run into someone else I'm dating, and awkwardness will ensue. This wasn't quite that situation -- but the run-in IS possible, even in this big city. At this moment, I'd hate to be out with another guy and run into Mr 2010 (my primary interest right now).

*** The "other guy" I happened to be out with last night was none other than Martin. Yes, the guy who cheated on me twice last year, then proclaimed his love for me after I told him I couldn't see him any longer. After he asked me several times, I finally agreed to meet him for a drink a month or so ago, just as friends. We've had dinner a few times since -- occasionally with a bit of smooching -- but I absolutely know better than to attempt any semblance of a relationship with him again. But as a friend? I'm thinking that could be possible. Forgiving being divine, and all that.

Schrödinger's cat

2010-01-07T00:23:00.006-05:00

Are you familiar with the concept of Schrödinger's cat? I wasn't until a week or so ago, when a friend brought it up in relation to dating.

She's a whole lot smarter than I am in this respect, and here's how she put it:
"Re: asking early on about a relationship, or whether someone is looking for something serious -- the Schrodinger's Cat thought experiment is the perfect metaphor here.

There's this thought experiment based in part on the fact that in Quantum Physics, whenever you try to measure a phenomenon, you affect its outcome. So Schrodinger set up this idea that there's a cat in a box simultaneously alive and dead (in multiple quantum states, with multiple possibilities)...until you open the box, and then he's only one or the other. So the act of opening the box is what provokes the outcome".

More info here if you feel so inclined.

In my simplistic way, after thinking about this, and thinking about what I've learned with Smiley, my new motto for the year is going to be, simply: just chill, and enjoy the ride.

This has reminded me of a boyfriend I had when I was 26 -- let's call him Mr X. He seemed like a pretty amazing guy from the start: cultured, sophisticated, successful, charming. Except -- he was just getting out of a serious relationship, and was open about the fact that he didn't want anything serious. No problem, I said -- let's keep this casual.

"Casual" eventually turned into a pretty solid two-year relationship (with dalliances for years afterwards). He's still one of my dearest friends to this day. And that relationship developed only because I was patient, and didn't put any pressure on him.

Saying that -- I was 26 at the time, and now I'm... not. These days, I don't have the patience to wait nine months for a guy to acknowledge that I'm his girlfriend. I think I need a happy medium: maybe don't bring up "the talk" in the first month, but also know when a relationship might not be going anywhere.

(Quick aside: I have no regrets about ending things with Smiley so soon. I still miss him a little, but I *do* think he should focus on himself and his career at this time. Ha -- I'm sure he'll have a serious relationship in no time. I seem to have that affect on guys!)

Updates to come: I've already been out with three new guys this year (yes, in 2010 -- as in, since last Friday). And I'm quite excited about one of them. Biggest shocker of all: I met all in "real life" -- none were internet dates.

Details next time!

PS. Quick update on Quentin -- after our third date (where I sensed that we didn't have kissing chemistry), I never heard from him again. Just as well. I should mention that when I left his place at 1 am to walk the four blocks home, he didn't walk me home. At the very least, he should have offered.

"One plus one equals everything"

2010-01-01T11:41:00.003-05:00

Just a few gems that popped up in my Jdate in-box over the past few months:

Subject: i'd like stand beside you and bask in your light..
I don't imagine a man can be touched by a photo in any way greater than I am touched by you.

Were you to take a moment to know me, you'll know quickly, why it is you will wish to know more...

You will find all in me.

Warmly,
[Bizarre Guy]

*************

When I read your profile I knew you were different than the other women on this site. I knew there was something special about you.

I highly respect and am attracted to a smart woman. I am very attracted to one who is very pretty, and with a warm, bubbly personality such as yourself.

I am a special guy in my own right. I am old fashioned, yet enjoy modern things. I am of good character and integity and believe that a person's word is their bond. I also believe that actions speak louder than words. I don't like people who talk the talk but don't walk the walk. I am considered attractive to handsome (look better in person than my photos), tall, intelligent, funny, successful, kind-hearted and generous-sometimes to a fault.

I am looking for a serious relationship with a special lady. Once I find her, she will see that I know how to appreciate her and treat her in the special way that she deserves to be treated.

I hope that I have piqued your interest.

They say that if you don't take chances in life, you may miss out on something good.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
J****
(does anyone else sense that this is a "copy and paste" job?)

**************

(a “flirt" -- for those too lazy to write up their own words -- kind of like the "fill in the box" postcards kids used to get for camp)
How is it that you haven't been snatched up yet?

*********

Subject: are you the destined woman for me?
Hello how are you doing i am D*** and am so sorry if I have intruded by writing you this little message of mine, the reason is i came in contact with your beautiful profile .. Your profile really looks awesome and I just decide to write a few words of introduction to say hello and probably get know more about you.

Hmm generally Am a cheerful and positive person, a MAN [note: caps his] with deep passion and great sense of humility, and I appreciate making good friends,and about the distance issue i believe that relationship never count on miles or distance it only measure by the heart and the feelings we have for each other really matters........

And In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing so i will be looking forward hearing from you,and get back to me with your e-mail so i can send you my photos and probably tell you more about me ok, mine is...........(xxx(at) yahoo dot com) and it is also my yahoo ID you can IM me on it anytime ok i will get back to you ok
Best regards
D*****

Happy New Year!

Date #150: Claudius Interruptus

2009-12-29T21:29:00.004-05:00

A wise person once told me: the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Ok -- I'm not rushing to get "under" anyone (or on top of him, etc) in the immediate future. But when I sensed that things were beginning to go downhill with Smiley this past weekend, I went into my Jdate archives and re-emailed a few guys with whom I'd previously lost contact.

One was Claudius -- name explanation will soon become apparent. His emails were funny and pleasant, and he was nice and smiley in the pics -- but in person, on tonight's date? I was considering blog-naming him Dour Dan, but I think Claudius Interruptus is more appropriate. I couldn't tell a fricking story without him interrupting me with his story. eg, he told me all about his marathon running, then asked if I'd ever run a marathon. I said I did a skate marathon, and before I could continue, he jumped in: "oh, I do roller hockey at Chelsea Piers, it's really different than ice hockey, blah blah blah".

And .. the Dour Dan name came from his negative take on just about everything: the false patriotism in this country since 9/11, he won't go to China because he heard they eat cats there, etc. "How can I go someplace that eats kittens?" I said they probably focus more on full-grown cats -- more meat. I don't think he found that very amusing.

Onward!

Gray clouds, coming and going and coming

2009-12-28T22:48:00.006-05:00

Let me start this on a sunny note: the fabulous Mimi invited me to her place for a lovely Christmas Day brunch (my family does a very casual Jewish Christmas Eve get-together -- ie, we just sit around and eat all day). I not only met her mom and a few friends -- I met the famous Funny Guy! He IS funny -- and charming and smart, as you might expect. They look so happy together, and I'm thrilled for them.

I wrote this on Saturday:
Thanks again for your words of support re: the situation with New Guy. Deep down, I still don’t think he’s a bad guy – but at this point, it feels rather pointless to try to continue a friendship with him. If I have even an inkling of feelings for him (which I guess I do, considering my reaction to the news about his girlfriend having their baby) – then I can only imagine how awful it would be to eventually MEET this girlfriend (and baby, in the future).

It’s as if a strong wind came along and blew away that dark cloud I was under – thankfully, it only lasted about 24 hours (and was exacerbated from the lousy night of sleep I had that night). I’m pretty much fine now – the funk has lifted. Life goes on!

In other news (also written on Saturday):

I have a feeling Smiley will soon be history. (hm, yet another one-month “relationship”, following Capt Awesome). I knew more or less from the start that he wasn’t looking for anything serious (he’s currently unemployed and considering a career transition, and needs to focus on himself right now). For a little while, I figured, we’re having such a good time, so it’s OK – a part of me was thinking, in a few months’ time he’ll have a job, and we’ll have grown closer, and all will be fabulous. We were spending so much time together that it certainly felt like the makings of a relationship.

But now – the little signs that he’s just not for me are adding up, and I’m finally paying attention to them. He can be very sweet and lovely – but he can also go on these 15-minute soliloquies, talking about whatever subject interests him at the moment (a certain type of music or the intricasies of brewing beer), without gauging MY interest. I do listen, and try to give input – but sometimes it’s just a bit much, a bit self-absorbed. I didn’t mind at first, but the fact that I DO now is quite telling. Just one example.

Even more telling: I’ve noticed that he seems a bit less into “us” than on previous dates. The last time or two I saw him (we had dinner a few nights ago), he didn’t seem as affectionate as in the past. I haven’t decided yet if we should have “the talk”, or if this will die of natural causes. Will feel it out.

Seeing Quentin again tonight – and even more exciting, I’m meeting his dog! I have a serious case of dog envy, as I can’t have one in my apartment. I’m sure I’ll absolutely adore his pooch, which will surely only garner points for me.

Today's update:
I did have the talk with Smiley after all -- you know when something is just building up inside you, and you just have to get it out? Yes -- that.

I don't have the energy to go into details right now, but to sum it up: same issue as from the start -- I want something serious, and he doesn't. There was more to it -- it was a very sweet, open, honest talk -- why do these talks usually seem to come at the end? Seriously.

We were at his place, and he asked if I'd like to spend one last night together -- I did. I'm having trouble putting this into words (maybe because I'm crying... again!), but it might have been the most romantic, warmest, most affectionate time we've had together. Saying goodbye this morning was quite bittersweet. We talked about maybe hanging out every so often, and he said he'd follow my lead -- but that might be tough, emotionally. We'll see.

Oh, how cliched, not appreciating something til it's gone! Or -- maybe it's just wanting what you can't have? Or both? I think I'm extra-emotional right now from not sleeping well, combined with a hefty dose of PMS -- what a lethal combination! AND combined with overall dating frustration / fatigue -- oy!

Then there's Quentin -- we had another date over the weekend. I met the dog, who was sweet as anything. But later, kissing Quentin, I realized -- we don't have very good kissing chemistry. Can't explain it... and I felt terrible, as I couldn't help but think of the wonderful chemistry I have (had) with Smiley. Anyway, it's not a deal-breaker. These things can sometimes work themselves out. Not sure if / when I'll see him again.

It's been a rough week. 2010 can only be better!

OMFG.

2009-12-23T00:20:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, I wrote this:

Blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...

New Guy and I wound up canceling those plans that night -- we were both exhausted from work -- and rescheduled for tonight. Being the wonderful, thoughtful person he is, he brought a belated birthday present for me. We had our usual, easy, fun banter about everything and nothing.

Until seemingly, out of nowhere, he mentioned that he had moved out of his place. Then came the news that he had moved in with his girlfriend (when I last saw him in June, he still wasn't quite ready for a "serious" relationship with her, even though he felt that he couldn't date anyone else).

Then -- the really big news -- they're expecting a baby together. It wasn't planned, but at the same time, he's excited about it. And this has made him really want to work on a healthy relationship with her, so they can be the best parents they can be for this baby.

I was rendered speechless. I told him I was very happy for him, gave my congratulations, and all that. I then walked home in a stupor. The second I walked through my door, the dramatic, heaving sobs began, and I went through a big pile of tissues.

One good thing, I guess (because it's all about "me", right?) -- at least now I can really, truly, officially close that door. I mean... it's actually been closed for a while. But now it's sealed firmly shut. I'm sure another will open... soon, I hope.

****
Smiley is still in the picture, still moving along as we were: seeing quite a bit of each other, but moving at a reasonable pace. Slow and steady. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, but am SO happy I already have the day planned with a friend first -- it would have been tough to go straight to a date with him without having a chance to properly rehash this news about New Guy first.

Then there's Quentin -- we had that second date last week (and a first kiss). Another date is set for this weekend.

****

Ok -- I just have to admit to myself that it's OK to be sad about New Guy. It's hard to describe here, but he's just one of the most amazing, remarkable, smartest, sweetest, most considerate guys I've ever met. Maybe I've inflated him in my mind because of his unattainability -- who knows.

I think a big part of my sadness is, in fact, frustration: I just want to meet someone fabulous, who also thinks I'm fabulous. It's just taking way too long.

Smiley, Quentin and Flirt

2009-12-13T16:31:00.006-05:00

When I last wrote, I mentioned that I'd been out twice with someone as-yet-unnamed. I'm at a loss for a really creative blog name for him, so let's just call him Smiley. It's appropriate - he has a lovely smile that he flashes often. Suffice to say, I like this guy. He's smart and thoughtful, and we just seem to fit well together.

In the past three weeks, we've hung out quite a lot. We've been to parties together, we've cooked, we've become Facebook friends, we've smooched, etc. It was starting to feel a bit relationship-y, but I had to keep reminding myself: it's only been a few weeks. Seven (or eight?) dates does not a boyfriend make.

To try to keep the crazy at a manageable level, I thought it best to still see other guys. I had a date with a guy I'll call Quentin (#149) - he bears a strong resemblance to Tarantino (just a little better-looking). I was very much in a "Smiley" mindset when I met him, and while I thought he was a cool guy, I didn't exactly emit strong liking vibes his way. Regardless, he emailed the next day that he'd had a nice time, and we should hang out again soon.

I know myself -- I tend to get a bit too emotionally invested in a new guy too soon. I'm mindful of that, and have been doing my best to keep that in check with Smiley. With that in mind, I wrote back to Quentin: yes, let's plan another date soon. (second date is planned for later this week). However, I felt that I was just going through the motions, that this was something I "should" do, rather than something I was excited about doing.

And well -- I'm glad that my brain took the lead for once, rather than my heart. Smiley and I had a talk a few days ago (we'd had quite a bit of wine, so the details are fuzzy) -- it wasn't set up as "the talk", but we did cover some important ground: namely, that since he's in between jobs right now, he feels that he needs to get his life in order before he can really think about a relationship.

I'd had a feeling this might be the case, having been in similar situations before (see: Teen Crush, two years ago -- and there have been others). It's actually kind of a relief to know where we stand -- I feel that I can go on other dates with a clear conscience now. Before the talk, I had felt, by default, that we were on a relationship track – now, this actually makes me take a step back and assume nothing – just enjoy moment by moment. (which I should have been doing anyway... )

****

That could also be the reason I found myself kissing Flirt last night. I met Flirt through a mutual friend a few years ago, and while we sometimes wind up kissing in the corner of a party, we've never actually "dated".

We discovered through Facebook that we were both taking part in yesterday's SantaCon madness, and by coincidence, found ourselves in the same part of town at the same time. Our groups merged, and we spent the rest of the day (and evening) bar-hopping together. I can't remember when we started kissing -- it just seemed to happen.

Many hours (and drinks) later, my friend Red said she simply couldn't understand why Flirt and I aren't a couple: we're both great people, with similar interests, etc. For one, he's currently living in California -- so there's that. I guess I just never thought of him "that" way. Maybe it was the booze talking, but he and I decided that if / when he moves back to NY, if we're both available, we should give this a shot.

***

Last time I wrote that it seemed the mutual fade-away was happening with Capt Awesome, aka Ralph Furley. I finally decided: we'd been dating for a month -- I DID want some acknowledgment of "us" being no more. I emailed him that it seemed we were on the same page -- that we'd had a nice time, but sometimes these things just don't work out, but I thought he was a lovely person. He wrote back a similar message. I felt satisfied to have that closure.

Happy Hanukkah!

In like with like?

2009-11-30T23:13:00.007-05:00

After a few weeks of mentally wanting to give Capt Awesome a chance, I finally had to admit to myself: I'm just not that into him. The attraction just isn't there. It doesn't help that he sometimes makes a facial expression that evokes Don Knotts -- aka, Ralph Furley from "Three's Company":

We haven't seen each other in nearly a week, and aside from a "Happy Thanksgiving" text, haven't been in touch. I thought about how I felt during our brief "honeymoon" period: I liked the attention he lavished on me, and how thoughtfully he planned our dates. But did I like him? I wasn't sure. I had a hunch that I was just enjoying the feeling of maybe liking someone, rather than liking the actual person. Does that make sense?

Now -- it seems like we may be having the mutual fade-away. I feel like maybe we'll have "the talk" soonish -- or maybe not? I'm actually fine with it either way. I generally prefer the "closure" of the talk, but if another week or so goes by with no communication -- well, there's the answer.

In the meantime: I've had two dates with someone new. It's too soon to say I'm feeling giddy about him, but he does make me smile. We have another date planned for this week -- maybe I'll have a blog name for him after that. A nice touch: we met on Jdate, but it turned out that we already knew some people in common -- he went to high school with one of my very good friends.

And -- blast from the past -- I'm seeing New Guy this week for a belated birthday dinner. Refresher: New Guy and I dated for a few months about a year ago, stayed in touch now and then, and I realized that I still had feelings for him. (d'oh! Freudian slip? Just now I typed out "HAVE feelings" rather than the past tense "HAD feelings". Interesting!)

Anyway -- the plan is for a casual, platonic, birthday dinner -- he told me on the phone that we have loads to catch up on. ("Oh, you just remembered that you're crazy about me?", I thought hopefully) It will be lovely to see him -- maybe we'll have one (or more) of those fabulous, passionate kisses -- well, that wouldn't be so terrible...

Over the course of a week...

2009-11-15T12:05:00.004-05:00

Someone recently commented on here that I tend to get giddy quickly over guys I like. That's true -- if I meet someone with whom I sense a good connection, I like to focus on that person, and find it hard to get to know other guys while learning about the recipient of my giddiness.

And yet -- I also realize that the giddiness may be fleeting -- but I still like to enjoy that good feeling while it lasts. Better to have felt giddiness temporarily, than never to feel giddiness at all, to paraphrase Tennyson.

Saying that, the update on Capt Awesome: it seems that mutually, the giddiness seems to have waned somewhat. There was that one week where we were emailing and texting just about every day -- this week, not so much. We saw each other one night this week -- it continues to feel easy and comfortable. But when a friend asked if I was excited about him, I had to admit to myself: I wasn't, really. Can't explain why.

I'll continue to date him, and see if anything develops. In the meantime, Smooch and I have been exchanging messages, trying to make plans to get together. I've been exchanging emails with a new guy on Jdate. All very "wait and see" right now, and I'm just fine with that.

Last time I mentioned that Capt Awesome had taken down his Jdate profile. This week, it was back up. And that's OK too.

And in the lead...

2009-11-07T12:49:00.006-05:00

Things are feeling really good with Capt Awesome -- "really good", as in, I think I'm not going to date anyone else at the moment. I just can't get to know other guys when I really want to get to know just one guy in particular.

This was pretty evident on my date with Smooch the other night. I warned him earlier in the day that I was getting over a cold -- this was somewhat true (I seem to have had a mild cold for the past few weeks) -- but I mainly wanted to establish that this would be a relatively nookie-free night. (note: not sure what YOUR definition is of "nookie" -- in this case, I'm just referring to kissing)

I'm sure he sensed something was different -- it just wasn't as comfortable and easy as it had been on our two previous dates. Who knows - things might have been different if we had carried on dating consistently after our first date in the end of August. But it just is how it is. So.

Capt Awesome and I have been emailing and texting every day. We have a fabulous, long date planned for tomorrow... and he has already invited me to a party next week.

AND... I did a bit of cybersnooping, and discovered two things:
1. he took down his Jdate profile -- wow!
2. we're not Facebook friends, but he has no privacy settings up, which means I can read his wall, check out his pics, etc even though we're not FB "friends". In one status update, he wrote that he was having a particularly good week -- when a friend inquired about that, he responded that work was going well and he'd "met a new girl".

I'm just feeling giddy and smiley about him right now. And if I hear from Smooch again? I'm not sure. Do I tell him that I've met someone? (perhaps a bit premature) Or do I tell him that work / life is too busy right now, and maybe we can touch base in a few weeks? Hm. Will cross that bridge when I get to it. (interesting sidenote: it just happens that Smooch wrote to one of my friends on Jdate this week -- of course, he has no idea that she's my friend. Coincidence.)

Brace yourself

2009-11-05T00:11:00.005-05:00

In rough chronological order -- updates on the dates from the past few weeks. (I DID manage to have a social life in between episodes of "Mad Men"!)

Mr Cool: To recap: we'd had a great first date, with some back and forth followup, before he disappeared. I was disappointed, but quickly got over it -- I simply resigned myself to the fact that this sort of thing happens all the time.

Well -- surprise, surprise -- two weeks after I last wrote to him, he wrote back: he was very sorry that he'd lost touch. He had moved out of his place, and it turned out to be quite taxing. He's currently working in Another Country for a month or two, and wasn't sure when he could see me again -- "probably not til next year". He said he'd had a wonderful night with me, but it was a shame we met at such a crazy time in his life, and could we please stay in touch?

I took my time in writing back -- sure, let's stay in touch. Meanwhile, I still think it's rather lame -- if you like someone, you CAN find the 30 seconds to respond to their text message. Not giving him any further thought at the moment, but if / when he comes back, depending on what's going on in my life, I'd maybe -- MAYBE -- see him again.

Smooch: we have our third date tomorrow night. We're averaging one date per month (he was just out of the country the past few weeks, but did a pretty good job at staying in touch). I think it may have a bit of a "first date" feel, it's been that long... but there's also someone else on my mind at the moment... that would be:

Captain Awesome: (date #142) We've been out four times now -- he's a great guy. So why is there some part of me that's holding back? Details to come soon -- but first, the other dates that didn't progress further...

Date #143: Tom -- not his real name, he just looked like a "Tom" to me. Took me to a jazz show on our first and only date -- quite generous of him. Perfectly nice guy, just no spark on either end. He wrote a followup email saying as much a week later.

Date #144: Elvis (as in, Costello - not Presley) Smart, quirky guy -- just lacking a certain sophistication. It's hard to describe this without sounding elitist, so I'll just leave it at that. Saying that -- for some reason I felt that he's someone I could have as a friend. We'll see if that happens.

Date #145: the Sourpuss. I think he cracked half a smile in our 90 minutes spent together. Reminder to self: ALWAYS talk on the phone first to get a pulse on the guy before a date! (we kept missing each other, and the date was arranged via email and text)

Date #146: Kojak. A rare NON-internet date -- we met at a party, where we shared many mutual friends. We had our second (and last) date tonight, watching the World Series in a bar. I was excited about him at first because it was a nice change to have met someone where there was actually a personal connection -- but it just wasn't enough. Nice guy, a true gentleman, but the vibe just wasn't there.

Date #147: Opie. New to NY, his "gee, whiz", wide-eyed personality just didn't do it for me. Actually, it was quite painful for this cynical New Yorker -- the words "fucking agony" keep appearing in my mind during our brief brunch date.

Back to Captain Awesome - we have plans in place to see each other this weekend. Just the thought of him makes me smile -- and recalling all these other lame dates is certainly helping to put things in perspective. I'm just not getting that immediate giddy feeling that I had for Teen Crush and New Guy -- maybe I'm just more cautious these days?

More to come!

** note: his blog name came from some Mad Men-related blog. I just loved the name.

My new boyfriend.

2009-11-03T00:29:00.008-05:00

I have a new boyfriend, and he's been occupying nearly all my free time these past few weeks. His name is Don Draper.

I was a bit late to hop on the Mad Men phenomenon -- but once I did, it was full steam ahead. Netflix couldn't get the DVDs to me fast enough -- I had to start downloading them from iTunes. Every night, I was sucked into the goings-on at Sterling Cooper. On weekend days, entire afternoons were devoted to the latest drama between Don and Betty.

FINALLY, I'm caught up! I watched all three seasons in as many weeks, and I'm relieved to have my life back. I did manage to have a few real-life dates in the meantime -- updates to follow soon. There's even one guy who has my attention more than the others (besides Don Draper, that is -- our relationship has nearly run its course, as this season is about to end).

One last tidbit of amusement:

A few days ago, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I didn't pick up. I then received this text from the same number a few minutes later:

Hi, it's Joe Shmoe from a few years ago. I have a crazy idea, and would like to discuss if you have an open mind -- if you know what I mean.

Background: "Joe" and I dated about 3 years ago (pre-blog) for a few months, but it was never serious. It just didn't have the makings of a great romance. (or even a not-so-great one, for that matter)

I texted back asking for details, and he said it was easier to discuss on the phone. I called him, more out of curiosity than anything else -- he said that he got married last year, and he and his wife have been talking about having a threesome, and would I be interested?

I laughed out loud, and sarcastically thanked him for thinking of me, but it just wasn't my thing. It's especially bizarre because he does NOT seem like the kind of guy who would be into that at all -- I recall that he was a pretty straight-laced, button-up kind of guy.

Check back in a few days for updates on Mr Cool, Smooch, a new guy I shall dub "Captain Awesome", and someone who will simply be known as "Sourpuss". (just one guess on how well that date went!)

It's surprising, but it's not.

2009-10-15T22:01:00.002-04:00

Last time, I wrote that I'd had a wonderful date with Mr Cool. You know that feeling, when you're really "in the moment" with someone -- you find yourself thinking, wow, this could really be a good thing! This guy is fabulous! What could go wrong?

Which is why it's such a shock when that fabulous guy disappears. Even when you're used to dating in NY, and it happens all the time -- it's still a shock.

For a few days after the date, Mr Cool and I kept missing each other, leaving messages on each other's voicemails. I realized that medium of communication was proving difficult, so I last followed up with an email. Three days ago. That doesn't sound like a lot of time -- and check back with me in a week or so -- but I just have a feeling I'm not going to hear back from this guy. My gut usually tends to be spot on about these things.

Just to make sure -- maybe he didn't get my email?, as deluded people the world over ask themselves -- I tried one last ditch effort, and texted him this morning. Nothing.

Sure, I'm bummed. I also realize that you know nothing about a person after one date, and more likely, you're just subscribing to some fantasy of what you want this person to be. Saying that, I've been in a funk about this guy the past few days... but today I was thinking about the blog, and realized that posting about this would be my way of getting this out of my system. I'm feeling better already.

Is it some kind of karmic retribution that at the exact moment Mr Cool called for the last time, I was kissing another guy?

I mentioned the Young'Un once before -- we'd been emailing and IMing for months, but always seemed to have conflicting schedules. In one very candid conversation, we even established that we probably wouldn't be a match -- he wants kids, I most likely don't -- but there still seemed to be an attraction there.

Earlier this week, we were IMing, and it came up that we were both free that very evening. We met for a few glasses of wine. We kissed. We IMd the next day along the lines of, "that was fun, but we should just be friends". End of story. (he was date #141).

There's some early communication brewing with a few new J-guys, but no one I'm really excited about right now.

Oh -- pleasant surprise -- Smooch has been emailing from the foreign country where he's currently traveling for work, even including some pictures of his activities. Some flirtiness in the emails. Something to look forward to, his return in a few weeks.

Jim and Pam and dates #139 and #140

2009-10-10T13:33:00.005-04:00

Did you catch Jim and Pam's wedding on "The Office" this week? I just watched it -- and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I found myself bawling at the end. It was incredibly sweet -- and it hit home the fact that I really, really want to find that kind of love with someone. Yes, I know it's fictional. And yes, I know that no relationship is perfect. I'm just SO ready to meet someone amazing, and every so often, I just get tired of yet another failed date.

Whew -- with that rant over, let's recap the latest updates.

Date #139: Dr Foodie. Dr Foodie and I seemed to connect by email, then we had a very brief phone conversation -- he seemed a bit dry, but I was willing to take a shot. He was good-looking (in a clean-cut, boy-next-door way -- not my usual type), and the conversation flowed easily -- but there was just a certain warmth missing. When he said he had an early meeting and kissed me on the cheek goodnight, that pretty much sealed the deal that he wasn't interested. No big deal -- I would have gone on a second date with him, but wasn't exactly smitten.

Date #140: Mr Cool. While out with Mr Cool, I thought (for a second) about my date with Dr Foodie a few days earlier, and realized, "now THIS is what a great date feels like!".

Mr Cool was adorable, fun, funny, smart. And he seemed into me. We wandered all over the lower east side and the village, popping into one place for wine, then another for a bite. We eventually kissed. We walked some more. We flirted, we laughed. He texted me after we parted ways.

And -- he has texted a few times in the three days since that night, without making a suggestion of when we should see each other again. I'm trying really, really hard to leave this up to him, but I hate waiting.

I'm keeping in mind that despite a really fun night, and despite talks of next time, there's no guarantee that I'll see him again. That would be a bummer, but life would go on.

THIS sucks: even if I do see him again, sometime in the near future he's going to another country for a work project -- for a month.

Smooch update: the irony of Mr Cool telling me that he had this big international project coming up is that Smooch is also out of the country -- in his case, for three weeks. What's up with this?? Normally I'M the one leaving town!

As I mentioned last time, Smooch and I had a really fun second date. Then -- nothing for nearly a week, when he texted me that he'd been busy prepping for his trip, and he'd try to call me later. In the "Guys Are So Strange" department: Smooch called me one night, but didn't leave a message. I emailed him the next day, wishing him a good trip. He called the next night (when I happened to be out with Mr Cool) -- again, no message.

A very helpful reminder in this timely post by Moxie -- if he's not making much of an effort to get in contact, then he's not that interested. Period.

If he gets in touch when he's back in town, I'd be happy to see him again -- in the meantime, I'm not going to devote any mental energy towards him.

30 second update

2009-10-02T10:43:00.003-04:00

Busy work day, so just a quick summary:

* I ended things with Insta-BF -- it was actually a rather easy, civilized conversation. He followed up with a very thoughtfully written email, saying he'd like for us to remain friends. I'd like that as well -- and I'm relieved that we had this talk.

* Had a second date with Smooch -- a really fun time -- good chemistry there. He texted me the next day that he'd had fun, and we should do it again soon.

Unfortunately, he's going on a long business trip next week -- for three weeks. I'm hoping to see him before he leaves, but am waiting for him to initiate those plans. Get cracking, dude!

Oy oy oy

2009-09-27T19:53:00.006-04:00

I need to do something about Insta-BF soon. It seems like he's getting in deeper, while I'm sliding further away from him.

Time for a pros / cons list:

Pros:
* He's sweet.
* He dotes upon me.
* He's reliable.
* When we have schedule conflicts, he tells me that he'll be the luckiest man in the world if he can take me out to dinner that week.
* We have pretty good chemistry, though I feel that it's starting to wane a bit on my end.
* We met in a "real life" situation, and have lots of mutual friends.
* Very open communication -- though maybe a little too open.

Cons:
* He's unsettled -- he's in between jobs AND apartments right now. Currently crashing on a cousin's couch.
* He has a bit of an immature streak -- he has a tendency to mock other people. I've called him on this.
* other issues that I just can't go into here, of the "unsettled" nature. Just trust me on this.
* I'm going to sound elitist by saying this, but there's just a certain lack of sophistication. (and maybe I lack sophistication just by saying that -- so be it).

The other night, we were texting back and forth, trying to decide if we should meet at a mutual friend's party, or meet at my place and travel there together -- he mentioned that he wanted to come to my place first, because he wanted to talk.

Oh shit -- the talk! I was filled with dread -- really, were we going to have to do this right before going to a party together? Was he going to ask what I thought about "us"? I had a pit in my stomach for the next few hours until he arrived.

It turns out he was simply having some family issues, and just needed to vent to someone. Whew. But later, I realized that we really DO need to talk about "us", soon. I enjoy his company, but I'm not sure I see a future here -- meanwhile, he's already made references to birthday gifts he wants to buy for me, with my birthday being a few months away.

Ugh. I wondered about the feasibility of doing a gradual fade-away (don't initiate contact, take my time in replying, etc) -- but I think this situation will require A Talk after all. I have a very full week ahead with work and social engagements, so I'm considering having this talk over the phone. Face-to-face would be preferable, but I'm not sure we can get together before the weekend, and there's a chance we may both be going to our mutual friend's lake house over the weekend.

One of my social engagements this week is a date with Smooch. I'm excited to see him again -- our previous (first) date was over a month ago. His recent e-mails have been smart and funny, and I have a feeling our next date will follow along those lines.

Any advice regarding Insta-BF is most welcome. What would YOU do in this situation?

A little happy dance.

2009-09-20T09:50:00.006-04:00

Remember Smooch?

Recap: we had one great date a few weeks ago, then I was momentarily sidetracked by Insta-Boyfriend -- I'm still embarrassed to admit this, but all rational thinking went out the window, and with my head in the clouds, I wrote to Smooch and said I'd met someone else, and would like to explore that possibility. (he'd left a message and texted while I was feeling heady about Insta-BF, and I felt pressure to tell him something. Next time, a simple "work is busy right now" will suffice -- which happened to be true as well).

Once I came down to earth and started to realize that maybe Insta-BF wasn't going to be my beshert, I realized that I definitely wanted to give Smooch another shot. It had to be a perfectly crafted e-mail: humble yet confident, a little apologetic yet subtly sexy.

I guess it worked because he wrote back: at risk of seeming like a pushover, he'd love to see me again. Yay! I actually did a little happy dance in my office. Maybe I've built him up too much in my head, but I'm excited to see him again. Unfortunately, we have completely conflicting schedules right now: I'm going to be out of town this week, then he's away over the weekend. Hopefully that will be enough time for him to forget that I temporarily rejected him.

********
Insta-BF update: I'm not sure what to do here. He's definitely into me much more than I'm into him. I'm not sure I see this as a long-term thing, so maybe I should just enjoy his company for the moment, as long as it's fun...? At the same time, I really don't want to give him any false expectations.

I'm seeing him tonight for the first time in a week, will have to see what the vibe is like. Might just have to let this simmer quietly for the moment.

*******

Hey, Guy Friend, start planning our dinner out! I know I still have another month to go, but I don't anticipate seeing Martin any time soon! Our last e-mail exchange was a week ago, and I'm too busy to feel tempted by him these days.

So! Momofuku, or Ippudo, or the Redhead, or Hearth... Just throwing a few ideas out there.

The bet.

2009-09-16T23:53:00.007-04:00

Insta-Boyfriend still seems to be in the picture, though things have taken a much more chill pace. We haven't seen each other since the weekend, and won't have much time to see each other this weekend -- I'm really busy at the moment with work and a friend's wedding.

In the meantime, we've been emailing and texting here and there. He generally signs off with something sweet and sappy like, "good night, beautiful". I'm staying a bit cooler. No need to rush into anything, especially while I'm still trying to figure out what I think about him.
*********
Remember Martin? He's the guy I dated semi-casually twice this year, but I ended it most recently when he told me he'd slept with someone else while I was out of town. He was rather emotional when we had that breakup talk a few weeks back.

Nearly two weeks after the breakup, he emailed me:

Hi [LV],

I thought of writing earlier but thought it better to let more time pass.

When we spoke last, all the things I said to you, I just want to reiterate. I think the world of you and really adore you. I really, really miss you. I miss your company. You will always be one of my favorite people in the whole world and I want you to know that I would be there for you for almost anything.

My heart was broken before we met and I am still finding out it is not so easy to mend. But If I ever get down on the world and want to think of something good, I just need to think of you.

I would always do my best not to hurt or harm you so I might only commit to loving you like a sister. But please know that, easier and quicker than any woman I have met before, I fell for you.

I'll let you call the shots if and when you are ever ready.

Love always,
[Martin]

I'm still not sure what the "loving you like a sister" part meant. I happened to be with my wonderful but very cynical friend D when the email came in, and even she had to admit that it was nicely written. I just wasn't sure how I wanted to respond.

I wrote back nearly a week later, explaining that maybe we could be friends at some point, but he couldn't blame me for remaining skeptical. I pointed out that he had hurt me not once, but twice -- and to my recollection, I don't think I ever got an apology.

He wrote back:
Maybe I took it for granted that you should know how sorry I am for hurting you. I am sorry. Those were not crocodile tears of mine that night. I agonized and hated having to have that conversation with you. I do care for you much more than you know.

I am sorry. I never wanted to or meant to hurt you. I wish that love was easier.
[Martin]

I still didn't quite get the "love" reference, since we were never even close to that -- we hadn't even dated all that long. We'd had 17 dates in total (yes, I keep track of these things).

A few innocuous emails were exchanged after that -- a happy birthday wish (for him), what I'm doing at work these days, etc. He left a message on my phone (while I happened to be with Insta-Boyfriend), but I later emailed that I wasn't ready to move our friendship to phone lines just yet. I hate to admit, I do feel some kind of pull towards him, but I'm going to keep that can of worms closed.

I told Guy Friend about this most recent exchange, and he remarked that it's probably just a matter of time before I see Martin again. I insisted that I absolutely will NOT -- after all, I have *some* semblance of integrity and pride.

We now have a bet going: if I see Martin before Halloween, I lose, and I have to take Guy Friend to dinner at the restaurant of his choosing. If I stay strong and do NOT see Martin, I win, and GF pays for dinner.

Per Se, here we come! (or, more likely, some East Village noodle joint)

Insta-Boyfriend

2009-09-13T11:40:00.006-04:00

Oh my. Where to begin. For starters, I found myself a new boyfriend this week – yes, “boyfriend”, as in, someone who wants to date me exclusively and is already talking about the future. And no, this guy wasn’t around the last time I posted here.

Let’s go back a week or so…

Labor Day weekend. I had plans at a lake house with a large group of friends and many extended friends. Insta-Boyfriend was amongst them. After spending some time (with the rest of the group) hiking, biking and drinking over the long weekend, we kissed. He was a good kisser, very charming and sweet, seemed smart and interesting.

He drove me home on Monday, and we talked a lot during the drive. There was a real honesty about him – we both openly shared details of our past relationships, disappointments, failures, successes, etc. It was one of those giddy-making moments where I found myself thinking, “I like this guy! And he likes me! Yay, no more annoying dating websites and blind dates and uncertainty!”. I also thought to myself that if I knew a friend in this same situation, I'd warn her to slooooow the hell down -- but I was too wrapped up in my own head.

The excitement continued as we got together two more times during the week, with texts and phone conversations sprinkled throughout. He cooked me dinner (how thoughtful!) – he snuck a cute note in my bag (how sweet!). Sure, I knew he was just out of an intense relationship, but he assured me he wasn’t on the rebound.

I’m not sure of the moment when I came back down to earth – maybe it was when I realized that he has a slight immaturity about him. Maybe it was when I started to think that maybe it does matter that he doesn’t exactly seem settled right now – he’s in between jobs and apartments at the moment.

I finally had a talk with him and told him we needed to slow things down – it’s way too soon for us to even think about using words like “boyfriend / girlfriend”. He listened and said he'd follow my lead.

So – back to taking things at a slow, normal pace – in the meantime, maybe I’ll follow up with a few J-guys. I’m going to be crazy busy with work over the next few weeks, so most dating will be shelved anyway.

In the “I’m a complete moron” department: while my head was deep in the clouds over Insta-BF, I got a message from last week’s great date, Smooch, asking to get together again. I foolishly emailed him, saying that I’d had a great time with him, but I’d met someone new, and wanted to explore where it would go. No surprise – no response from him. And it seems doubly flaky to email him now to admit that I got carried away with giddiness for this new guy. Maybe I’ll write or call him again in a few weeks. We’ll see.

A yes (136), a no (137), and a maybe.

2009-09-01T22:59:00.009-04:00

Two recent dates to tell you about:

Date #136: Fabulous. Lots of fun, great conversation, wonderful chemistry. Drinks, dinner, lots of smooching while we walked along the street, or sat on a park bench, or rode in a taxi. He texted the next day, then called just to chat the next night. For an hour. A rarity indeed. I'm stuck on a blog name for him, so let's just call him Smooch for now.

The surprise for me: I've mentioned that a lot of my exes have had more or less the same look -- thick, curly hair, very Jewish-looking. (from the "David / Steven store", as dubbed by my buddy Brian) While Smooch is Jewish, it stops there -- he has more hair on his face than he does on top of his head. (but certainly not in a gone-crazy Joaquin Phoenix kind of way -- no big, furry beard here, thankfully) He's not my "usual" type, but I don't care -- I think he's adorable. (and smart, funny, vivacious, etc.) We're both going to be out of town for the holiday weekend, but hopefully we'll get together next week.

And -- he also has an old Jewish man's name -- again, it doesn't matter to me a whit. Rather, I find it somewhat endearing.

Date #137: Not so fabulous. Blog name "Wallace", because he reminds me of this guy:

I tried really hard to like him -- he's smart and semi-interesting -- but it just wasn't there for me. "Nebbish-y" was the word that came to mind. After an hour or so of milking my drink, I think I sent a clear message that there was no interest by announcing just how tired I was, and that I needed to call it a night.

Talked to a new guy tonight -- let's call him The Young'Un for now - he's five years my junior. We've been emailing on and off for a few months now, and might finally get around to meeting in person next week. This was a first for me: Young'Un and I talked via video IM tonight -- kind of surreal to talk to a potential date that way.

Welcome back, A&V! (and some non-updates)

2009-08-29T01:11:00.005-04:00

My old blog buddy, formerly known as Amore & Vino, has found herself a new URL home -- Single in the (Napa) Valley. Pay her a visit to say HI, and pass on a few words of encouragement!

Minor updates:

* I heard from Martin for the first time since the breakup early in the week -- a mass email, inviting me to his upcoming birthday party. No thanks -- no response necessary.

I felt a twinge of missing him for a half-day or so after the breakup -- but as I biked through his neighborhood a few days later, I realized that I was feeling relief to NOT be dating him any longer. He just wasn't right for me, but I was initially willing to overlook that for the sake of a good connection and fun companionship. Lesson learned, I hope.

* I'm convinced that DogMan isn't interested in me, despite hours of easy convo on our date the other night. I know -- "The Rules" dictate that a woman should wait for a man to make the first contact after a date, but I got impatient: two days after the date, I emailed him some info that I had promised I'd send, signing off with a breezy "have a great weekend -- talk soon". (eh, I've always been a rule-breaker anyway)

He wrote back a short while later, thanking me for the information, and wished me a great weekend as well. Polite, but not exactly warm. No suggestion of talking soon or getting together again. It's fine. Onward!

* As Guy Friend reminded me: it doesn't seem like it's a match with him, but you've got 5-6 other chickens in the oven, so to speak. It's true. I already have two dates planned in the next few days, in addition to communication with other J-guys simmering away. Details to come!

Date #135: DogMan

2009-08-26T00:33:00.006-04:00

As Tiny E recently stated -- the best way to forget about someone is to go out with someone else. I did that tonight, and didn't think about Martin for a nanosecond.

Last night (post-breakup, post-karaoke) I forked over the $39.99 to subscribe to J-date again, my first time in months. I had kept my profile active the past few months, but since I wasn't a paying member, I couldn't read emails that were sent to me. Last night I played a bit of catch-up, writing back to guys who had written to me months ago.

After a few email exchanges, one of them IMd me today. I'm not much of an IM-er, but the timing was perfect -- I was in the process of responding to his email. Some nice chit chat, and next thing I knew, we had a date planned for tonight. (he's going out of town this weekend, and we had conflicting schedules for the rest of the week) He seemed just semi-decent looking in his pics, but I have to admit that I was partially won over by his adorable dog.

We met for a drink at a cocktail bar with good lighting -- very happy surprise, he was much cuter than his pics. (but not *too* cute to be intimidating) Interesting, smart, funny guy -- spent some time living abroad, which is always a plus. The time flew -- we both looked at our watches at one point and were shocked to see it was 11 pm -- we met at 8:30.

He walked me home, and there definitely would have been the opportunity for him to give me a nice kiss goodnight -- but he didn't. Even his body language at the bar earlier kept changing -- sometimes he'd face me, sometimes he'd face away a bit.

It would be nice to see him again, but I won't be heartbroken if I don't. He made a reference to "next time" we get together -- so we'll see.

I'm guessing -- if a guy doesn't grab the opportunity to kiss me at the end of the night when we're just chatting in front of my place -- chances are, he's just not that into me. Thoughts?
*******
PS -- Just had to add this -- this email just came in from some new guy:
I like your profile so if the feeling is mutual, and you don't always wear that orange/red lipstick (sorry, just not a big fan of lipstick in general) then feel free to say hi sometime.

Dillhole! Dude needs some charm lessons.

Déjà-fucking-vu

2009-08-25T00:49:00.007-04:00

A few months ago, I wrote that I went on a business trip, and during that one week away, things went from "pretty nice" with Martin to "over". I should just copy and paste that exact same blog post -- it happened again.

Last week, during the first few days of my business trip he wrote lovely emails, saying that he missed me and looked forward to seeing me when I got home. Then... nothing. Four days of radio silence, which is a lot when you've been communicating nearly every day. I got the vibe that something was definitely up.

Tonight, the night after my return, we had plans to go to a party together. We met at my place, and that feeling that *something* was amiss was palpable. I sat next to him on my couch and came right out and asked: I was getting a strange vibe, and was anything wrong?

With difficulty, he finally spit it out: he'd hooked up with another woman last week, someone he used to date, and (I'm paraphrasing here), he's not sure if he's ready for a relationship at this time. We had never said that we were exclusive, but I was always straightforward about the fact that I couldn't be with someone who was sleeping with other people. Up until now, this wasn't an issue.

The strange thing: he was genuinely upset that I couldn't date him any longer. He told me that he adored me and really enjoyed spending time with me, but understood where I was coming from. It was a bizarrely heartfelt discussion -- he actually got a bit teary. I told him I wasn't exactly angry with him (since we'd never said we were exclusive) -- just hurt and disappointed.

The truth is -- this time around, there was always *something* I couldn't place about him -- I just never felt that I could trust him 100%. Sure, we had fun, and the sex was great -- but I just didn't get The Feeling that I had for New Guy. (and maybe still have. Sigh.). But I would have been willing to wait it out and see what developed -- anyway, it just wasn't meant to be.

I skipped the party, and instead met up with a group of friends from work who were out singing karaoke -- it was a great night, and I'm still a bit tipsy. "Love is a Battlefield" felt especially appropriate.

Onward! I'm going to re-join J-date for the first time in ages. There's a guy from J-date from months ago whom I've never met, who just happened to leave a message the other day -- I think it's time for us to finally get together.

PS. A THANK YOU to you readers in this little blogging community! I can't express how cathartic it is to put these words out there and get support, words of encouragement, etc. It just does.

Thanks for the blog material, Dillhole!

2009-08-13T01:01:00.003-04:00

I last wrote that I was considering a date with a new J-guy (now known as "Dillhole", for reasons revealed below) -- we IM'd, then talked, then made a plan to get together a few days later.

I decided to cancel the day before. I wrote to him that I'd met someone new, and wanted to see where it would go -- this being only a small part of the real reason that I decided to cancel on him. He just didn't seem all that interesting, but being the tactful person that I am, I didn't feel the need to state that.

He, on the other hand? Not so tactful. His response:

No issue here - I wasn't going to come into the city to meet you anyway. As cool as the IM we exchanged was, as soon as we got on the phone the conversation felt dead. I have enough experience with JDate to know not to expend the effort to meet someone with whom any kind of initial connection is missing.

It's all part of the process. Best wishes on your quest to find a mate.

- Dillhole

Note: this was *after* he'd already made plans to meet me... so does this mean he was simply planning on standing me up? Don't know, and don't care at this point.

*****

In other news -- things seem to be going nicely with Martin. I'm trying not to read into the fact that he just emailed me info on an event that's taking place in October with a note that read, "this looks like fun!". Nosirree, no thoughts along the lines of, "does this mean he still sees us dating then?" Nope, nothing of the sort. Just cool as a cucumber. More or less.

I have a business trip coming up -- will take a temperature when I'm back in town in a week.

Martin, Part Two

2009-08-08T00:08:00.004-04:00

A few weeks (and a few more dates) in -- still enjoying Martin's company. It doesn't seem like the casual fling that I had envisioned -- go figure, I'm starting to like like the guy! And the feeling seems to be mutual. Over a lovely dinner this week, he told me that he was really happy to be at that place at that very moment... with me.

I still have my guard up, but at the moment, I'm just taking this day by day, and enjoying it.

This dilemma always seems to come up in the early days of dating someone: we're nowhere close to declaring exclusivity with each other, but it just doesn't feel right to date other guys at this time. This mainly comes from my ridiculous paranoia, imagining the awkwardness of being out with Some New Guy, and running into Martin (after having said goodbye to him maybe ten hours prior, that very morning). I know -- New York is a big city, and it's unlikely -- but not impossible.

Saying that -- I recently talked to a new J-guy, and while I'm not exactly wowed by him, I'm contemplating a drink with him this week. I've been trying to think of places to meet for a drink where I'm unlikely to run into Martin... but I'd rather not shlep up to the Upper East Side unless absolutely necessary.

Out with the new, in with the old.

2009-07-26T23:35:00.005-04:00

Thanks to Dating Trooper for the suggestion -- McC is now Blaine. Love it -- finally, a name that fits! (though he is not an appliance)

Then again: this will most likely be his last blog appearance. After nearly a week of silence after our last date, I sent an innocuous email along the lines of, hey, are you going to that get-together our mutual friends are having? He responded in a not-exactly-warm fashion: not sure, I'm going to try.

I decided not to beat around the bush. Sent another email with my real question, noting that his previous interest had seemed to have morphed into silence, and that if he was no longer interested, he should feel free to say so. He wrote back thanking me for the opportunity to be honest (um, the opportunity was always there, dude...) -- I was the first girl he was really interested in since his last breakup a few months ago, but he needed more time off, and work is really busy, etc etc. Said he wanted to chat -- we've played phone tag since then, but I feel like I've already heard what he has to say. So that's that.

****

Blast from the past: Martin seems to be back.

If you recall, we dated rather casually a few months back -- I ended things because one, he had gotten somewhat flaky with communication, and two, because he said he wasn't in a mindset for a serious relationship.

Well -- he's been contacting me rather regularly since then (we had said we'd stay friends), and we wound up getting together a few days ago. That same chemistry is still there. I enjoy his company -- he's a fun, smart, affectionate guy.

My friend D, bless her heart, was very skeptical when I told her that he's back in the picture -- I wrote this to her:
To be honest, I see HIM as someone to have fun with right now, and don't really see us getting serious. Yes, I DO want something serious, when I find the right guy... but I think I can enjoy the attention of someone else (for now, him) in the meantime. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. At least for the moment, he's fulfilling some need in me -- the need to be affectionate, the need to have fun with a cool guy, etc.

It's only been a few days since that most recent date, and maybe it's because my expectations are so low, but I've been pleasantly surprised so far. He's been calling and texting on a regular basis, making plans for this week and beyond. (eg, did I mind that he made a reservation for us for a fabulous restaurant that he's been wanting to try?)

So -- we'll see.

"The Dude" is now McCarthy.

2009-07-17T15:32:00.006-04:00

"The Dude" just didn't feel like the right moniker for him -- it sounds slightly obnoxious (he's anything but), and evoked images of Jeff Bridges's stoner character in the film "The Big Lebowski". (great movie, by the way).

I was describing this new guy to a friend the other day, and mentioned that he looks a bit like Andrew McCarthy -- so his blog name is now McCarthy, or McC for short.

This is a big departure for me -- my general "type" is a guy who is on the short side, is Jewish-looking, with dark, curly hair. A friend once commented that I shop for my guys at the David / Steven Store (named after two exes of mine who perfectly embody this type. Not their real names).

If I'd come across McC on a dating site, would I have written to him? Maybe not. I'm delighted about the way we did actually meet -- naturally, in a "non-date" setting (at a weekend house out of town). I met a number of his friends that weekend as well, so it was nice to see him in that setting.

We had a break of a few weeks while I was out of town (with a few emails and texts exchanged during that time), and had our first reunion date this week. It was as fun and easy as I'd hoped it would be -- he wanted to plan a really nice date for us, and he did a great job of it.

From the little I know about him at this early stage, he seems like the kind of smart, fun, unconventional guy I've been hoping to meet. Trying to keep my excitement under wraps -- as usual, it's the old "wait and see" game. We have another date planned for this weekend.

I haven't yet decided if I should go out with SexyBoy again when he's back in town next week (that is, assuming he contacts me). That old dilemma of wanting to give one person a chance, vs not putting all your eggs in one basket -- I think I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it. (my, I'm just spouting out the clichés today!)

PS. Update a few days later: I wrote the above while slightly tipsy from an afternoon drink with the fabulous Tiny E -- yes, she's as cool as she seems from her blog! Alas, work is about to get busier, so E, I won't be able to help you resurrect the three-martini-lunch. Yet.

Other update: had another date with McC. Maybe too soon to tell, but he didn't seem quite as warm as he did the last time. Eh, once again, wait and see -- but I'm feeling more level-headed than just a few days ago, and will be willing to go on dates with other guys if asked. (well, no one is asking just yet...)

Back in town.

2009-07-12T23:03:00.006-04:00

Just back in town after a lovely time away in a Somewhat Exotic Country. Barely thought about NY dating life while I was away... a refreshing change from my usual MO. And it didn't even occur to me to have a casual vacation fling -- it just wasn't that kind of trip.

Just before I left, I met two guys in "real life" circumstances (meaning, not through online dating). One could be a casual summer fling -- he's a few years younger than I am, and very sexy, but not someone I could really see as a long-term boyfriend. Let's call him SexyBoy.

The other, I think I'd want as more than just a fling. There's something about this guy -- he's quirky, cool, unconventional, cute, smart. I'm intrigued. We e-mailed a few times while I was away, and have a date planned for this week. (these guys are dates #133 and 134, respectively) I'm having trouble coming up with an appropriate blog name for him -- at least for now, "The Dude" feels right.

More to come -- I need to write about context. I wonder if there would have been a click if I'd met either of these guys online? In both cases, we have mutual friends -- that goes a long way.

Update on previous post: I seem to have once again filed away those feelings for New Guy. Maybe for good this time? We'll see.

George: after that really fun first date, never heard from him again. Only mildly surprising.

Sigh.

2009-06-15T01:10:00.003-04:00

Several months ago, I wrote about an evening out with New Guy (I really need to come up with a better name for him) -- a refresher: he and I dated for a few months last fall, but he was just out of a serious relationship (and a long marriage just before that), and needed to have some solo time. We stopped dating, but remained friends.

On that last night out (platonic, with mutual friends), he mentioned that he was dating someone new, but was clear with her that he absolutely was not looking for anything serious. I realized at that time that I couldn't help myself: I still had feelings for this guy.

He and I have remained friends, but hadn't seen each other since then -- until this weekend. We've been meaning to catch up for ages, but one of us always seems to be traveling lately, so we finally picked a date a month in advance and made plans to cook dinner at his place.

It was a fabulous night, eating in his yard on a perfect, balmy summer evening -- but holy cow -- I realized that I *still* have feelings for him. He's just one of the most remarkable guys I've ever met -- smart, considerate, a great listener, funny (and he happens to be a good cook) -- we just click.

And yet -- very appropriate that the issue of timing has come up on this blog of late -- maybe it's bad timing, maybe he's just not into me. Whatever it is -- it's a sucky feeling that I still care for him (a lot), but he's just not available right now.

Oy… for so long, I had done such a good job of filing him away in the recesses of my mind. Seeing him brought all those feelings back to the surface, maybe more so because I’m in a frustrating place right now. Nothing I can really do about it, except try to stifle these feelings (again) and hope they stay buried. And maybe meet someone equally amazing who IS available.

*******
The next day, I had lunch plans with a new J-guy -- let's call him George, since he resembles my high school boyfriend with that name (he's First Date #132 since March 2005). I went into the date feeling physically heartsick over the situation with New Guy, and found myself thinking that if this was a bad date, that would only drive me deeper into the black hole I'd dug for myself.

Thankfully, George was a good distraction. Funny, cute, fun. He expressed interest in seeing me again, so I'm hoping that happens sometime this week.

And then -- another good distraction from New Guy, and the NY dating scene in general -- as of next week, I'm going to be out of town for almost three weeks, on vacation with a good friend to Some Exotic Country. The timing couldn't be better! (for a change)

And another one's gone, and another one's gone...

2009-06-12T00:56:00.003-04:00

Just a few days ago, I wrote:

I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.

I came to the conclusion: fun and easy wasn't enough. Tonight, I ended it with Mr Easy. He was disappointed, but in the honest discussion that followed (we'd never talked about "us" before), he said he's not in a place for anything serious at the moment. And truthfully, while I enjoyed his company, I'm not sure I was feeling a future with him. We had a lovely hug goodbye (along with what seemed like one of our most passionate kisses ever), and that was that.

I know I made the right decision, but I'm just in a funk right now. I'm really, really sick of dates that don't go anywhere. I had dates #130 and 131 this week -- I wasn't swept off my feet by either of them, but I'd consider a second date if I hear from them. Thankfully, neither was doing the Master Cleanse during the date.

Date #129: the Guru

2009-06-08T01:57:00.006-04:00

This was my first "first date" in over two months, and I was a bit nervous. The Guru and I had nearly missed each other, like the proverbial two ships in the night: we'd had a few encouraging e-mails via Match, until he said he was getting off the site, and to write to him at his real email address.

I did -- no response. I was a little surprised, but not so much -- it's not unusual for a Great Connection Guy to go MIA on the internet.

About a week ago, I got an alert that he wrote to me again via Match (I couldn't read the content, as I was no longer a paying member). Again, I wrote to him at his e-mail address. Nothing.

I finally did a bit of detective work, and discovered that I'd misspelled his e-mail address. Once I realized this, I let him know, and he quickly wrote back, and a date was planned. I couldn't help but think that if we hit it off, what a great story that would be -- the romance that almost didn't happen, thwarted by technology!

However, that was not to be.

My request to talk on the phone prior to the date was met with "I'm not much of a phone person, but ok...". We wound up leaving messages for one another, and went into the date un-talked. Had I talked to him beforehand, I might not have had to write to this e-mail to a friend immediately after the date:

So... the date with (Mr Guru): for one, those pics on his profile are really old. Two: he suggested we meet for Thai food, but when he showed up (about 20 minutes late) he revealed that he was doing a cleanse - why bother meeting me for *dinner* then? I ate real food, while he got a bowl of broth. I had beer, he had hot water with lemon. Three: when the check came, I did the polite "can I contribute?" offer -- he said, "ok, we can split it, even though mine was less". Um... okay...

He was a bit too New Agey for me. He's not of this coast, and has only been living here a few months. The word "tantric" was bandied about. Interesting to talk to from a sociological stance, but no chemistry at all.

Onward!

*******
I recently stopped dating Martin because I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I made a decision to actively seek a meaningful relationship. So why am I still dating Mr Easy, even though it doesn't feel like it has the makings of a great romance? Good question. It is easy, and we do have a good time. But is that enough? I think I need more time to figure it out.

Another one bites the dust.

2009-06-01T22:37:00.004-04:00

I did it. After waffling all weekend, I finally called Martin and ended things. (he restored my faith that he wasn't a total dillhole when, the day after he texted me at 1:30 am, he called and left a proper message).

It wasn't easy -- we have a good connection, and great chemistry, and I was torn between doing what feels good right now, vs what I want in the long run. This doesn't happen often with me, but logic won. Maybe I'm finally becoming a grown-up?

During this warmer-than-expected talk, he reminded me that during an earlier talk we'd had months ago, he told me that he was not long out of a serious relationship, which was preceded by another long-term relationship -- and thus, wasn't in a place to be serious right now. Oh yes... that. I remembered that, kind of.

He said he understood where I was coming from, but hoped we could still stay friends, and "we'll see what happens" down the road. So that's that. I'm missing him a little, but am still confident that this is for the best.

I'm just really ready to meet someone already who is crazy about me, whom I'm crazy about as well. Sigh.

The wake-up call: Martin

2009-05-30T03:00:00.001-04:00

Just got back from a business trip – on my last night there, I had an epiphany.

I was faffing around on the internet, checking out what people were up to on Facebook – out of curiosity, I checked out Mr Recurring’s page. I check out his page every so often to see if he’s still engaged to soon-to-be Mrs Recurring. So far, it appears that that’s still the case, with the wedding just a few weeks away. Allegedly.

I think there’s a part of me that wants to see that they’ve broken up. Not because I want to be with him… maybe I’m just a little jealous of these two people who seem so ecstatic to have found each other, and I just crave that feeling so much. I don’t even realize I’m craving it until I go to his (then her) Facebook page, and see all the updates (the first get-together with mutual friends, talk of moving in together), the happy photos together, gazing into each other’s eyes (well, THAT one is a bit puke-worthy).

So, this epiphany: I realized that if I want to find someone who is totally crazy about me, maybe I shouldn’t be wasting time with guys who AREN’T crazy about me. My best friend D will be the first to remind me of this: any night I spend on a date with someone like Martin is a night I could be potentially be going out with someone with whom there’s a future. Rocket science, I know.

I’ve been on the fence regarding how much I like Martin, pondering how right he is for me. One factor that’s pushing him further into the “not right” column: he’s been rather inconsistent. Before we both left on our trips, he told me he’d miss me – and yet we only exchanged one brief, not-very-warm text while I was away. Actions much louder than words, see?

Just tonight, a week and a half after our last brief text exchange, he texted me to say “hi” – at 1:30 am. Really, dude?

Alas, I think he needs to be 86’d. I’m going to miss the good chemistry, but I think it’s more important to focus on someone who may have potential.

What timing – I just read this on Evan Mark Katz’s website:
What’s most important is not how a guy makes you feel on a date. Sure, it’s great when you’re tipsy and tingling with excitement in anticipation of his kiss. But that feeling is useless if he doesn’t make a consistent effort to see you.

Literally ALL that matters - if you want a healthy relationship - is how quickly he follows up to say, “When can I see you again?”

Thanks for the reminder, EMK.

Bon voyage

2009-05-18T00:36:00.005-04:00

Once again – not much of an update. Actually – scratch that – the update is that while my usual M.O. is that I stress excessively about guys and dating, and struggle with loneliness – lately I’ve been (mostly) the opposite of that (an exception outlined below). I'm feeling quite dating-ambivalent of late -- could be work stress (I have a business trip coming up this week), combined with the excitement of a very cool vacation I'm planning with a friend next month.

As mentioned above, I'm not 100% dating-stress-free. There was this one night last week: Martin and I spent a fun Sunday day and evening together, and we next talked a few days later. He was going to be leaving town the following weekend, and I was about to embark on a business trip -- this meant that if we didn't see each other again before our respective trips, it would be another two weeks before we'd be able to get together.

When we talked about making plans sometime that week (correction: when I talked about making plans) the only night that seemingly would have worked for both of us didn't work for him, he said, because he needed that night to pack for his trip. The night in question was *two* days before his trip. Harrumph!

Right after we hung up, my brain reeled -- hm, he must not like me that much if he's willing to pass up one last night with me before we both go out of town. I started a mental list of all the other signs that he was no longer that into me: I couldn't recall the last time he'd told me he thought I was beautiful, like he did in the beginning. It seemed that his texts were more of a subtle sexual tone of late, not romantic.

Then -- just as quickly as I turned on the crazy -- the switch went off once I put myself in his shoes: not long after, a friend asked to make plans for Sunday, and I said it would be difficult, as I had to pack for my trip... two days away. Oh. Maybe it also didn't hurt that Martin and I had a lovely conversation the night before his trip, and he told me he'd miss me, and gave some thoughtful advice when I told him about some family drama I was having.

So. The only thing I really know right now is that I don't really know anything!

Oh -- last time I wrote that I still had Mr Easy in the picture, but "probably not for much longer". We've had another date since, and had a great time - I enjoy his company, and at the moment, can't think of a reason to not date him. So he's still in the picture as well.

Enjoy your long holiday weekend -- updates to come when I'm back in town.

Nice and easy (?)

2009-05-10T23:51:00.002-04:00

A month or so ago I wrote that there were two guys in the picture: Mr Easy and Martin. I liked them both, but knew that these things have a way of working themselves out, so I didn’t stress over the notion that I’d have to choose one over the other.

Update: I’m still seeing both of them, but I’ve been seeing Martin more frequently and have been more intimate with him – it just feels like a more natural connection. Actually, this is the most fun I've had with a guy in a long time.

And yet? I'm not stressing about "how-much-does-he-like-me" / "where-is-this-going" -- and the fact that I'm NOT stressing about this is throwing me off a bit! That's not my usual M.O. -- when I like a guy, I analyze it inside-out, upside-down til the cows come home, dammit!

Maybe I'm not stressing (yet) because:
1. maybe I'm not sure how much I like him at this early stage?
2. maybe because he's been reliable so far -- calls regularly (he's much more of a phone person than an e-mail person), and texts to let me know he's looking forward to seeing me again, etc.
3. maybe because -- *gasp* -- I'm getting older and wiser and am realizing that I DON'T have to stress about these things because I'm not 16 and waiting for a guy to ask me to the prom?
4. maybe, just maybe it's because I kind of, sort of still have Mr Easy in the picture -- but probably not for much longer.

Oh -- Martin also casually dropped in a phone conversation that he was recently out with a friend who happened to be a bit of a player, but by contrast, he's more of a relationship guy. Good to know.

Anyway -- give me a few more weeks with this guy and I'm sure I'll be back to my usual overthinking, overly-analytical self.

Holy crap! Newsflash!

2009-05-01T15:39:00.002-04:00

Some of you may remember -- in March I wrote about a guy with whom I had three good dates (so I thought) -- Mr. Recurring. But he met another woman during that time, and decided he wanted to be exclusive with her. End of story.

Today, I found myself thinking about the qualities that I liked in a guy -- smart, sophisticated, well-traveled -- and remembered that he had those qualities. Hm, wonder if they've broken up yet, I thought to myself? So I checked his Facebook page (he's not a FB friend, but has no security blocks to prevent non-friends from reading all the details).

Guess what?!! They're ENGAGED! Not only engaged -- they're getting married in June, only three months after meeting for the first time! (I know this for a fact because she and I share a mutual acquaintance)

I'm not bothered by this on a personal level -- please, he and I only had three dates -- but I'm just gobsmacked at the stupidity of this! Why the rush?

Anyway, best of luck to them -- and thanks for providing great blog fodder!

No news is good news...?

2009-04-30T22:18:00.002-04:00

My friend M asked the other day when she was going to see the latest Loverville update (despite already getting, in person, what little dirt there was). I replied that there wasn't a whole lot of news to report... but maybe that in itself is the update. [Once again, I'm too tired to really put together coherent sentences -- I should not still be in the office at 10 pm! I'm just feeling too exhausted to make the trip home, been procrastinating for the past hour. Anyway.]

Martin and Mr Easy are both still in the picture. I feel that I have more of a cerebral connection with Mr Easy, but there is definitely more chemistry with Martin. Mr Easy is out of town this week, and I'm appreciating the time to hit that "pause" button.

I've been rather busy with work these days, as well as social and familial obligations -- happily, this has prevented me from engaging in my usual dating overthinking. At the moment, I'm not dating any new guys -- I just don't have the time. I have another business trip coming up in a few weeks, may consider cranking up the old J-date machine after that time. Will just have to see if / how things develop with the current contenders.

Not very exciting for a dating blog, eh?